Friday, November 20, 2009

Today's Finding Faith Friday article has really helped me. Lately I have really struggled with the idea of birth grandparents. Not that I don't want them in our lives, I do. What is bothering me, is the thought of them talking their daughter out of adoption.

I know I can't truly understand how tough it must be for them. It must be hard when their child announces they are expecting. But I'm sure with the pain of "What if" and "Why now, like this" there is also the excitement. What parent doesn't get excited after hearing they are going to be a grandparent?

What kind of heartache do they face when their child announces they want to place their child for adoption? I'm sure most parents spend years dreaming about their someday grandchildren and to learn that their grandchild will be placed with another family must be hard.

Today there seems to be so many single mothers raising children and grandparents raising grandchildren. I have a hard time with that. Josh and I believe so strongly in forever families and the importance of a child having a mother and father in their lives. A child raised in a single parent home won't get those eternal blessings that we are striving so hard to provide. Grandparents shouldn't have to raise their grandchildren. They did that once, now their reward should be getting to spoil the grandchildren and then send them home for their parents to raise and discipline.

I should correct myself. I do see a difference between single mothers who conceive out of wedlock and single mothers forced into single motherhood by divorce or death. To me a single mother that chooses to raise her child by herself, loves herself more than her child. I do not feel the same about a single mother through divorce or death. They didn't choose those circumstances. Even in a divorce, I'm sure they didn't marry thinking one day they might have to do it alone. I admire those mother. They didn't choose to be single parents, but now that they are, they do their very best for their children. I know several single mothers (mostly through divorce) and I love and admire them.

I seem to have gotten off track. Right now I am not in an emotionally stable frame of mind when it comes to the birth grandparents. My deepest fear is that when we are chosen she will later change her mind because her parents talk her out of it. It happens all the time. I'm sure this is because they fear losing their grandchild. I understand that.

But I wish I could help them see the beauty of open adoption. They aren't losing a grandchild. They are gaining more family members that will do the very best for that child. They are gaining a loving, stable, environment for their grandchild to grow up in and a forever family in the eternities. There is nothing wrong with having more people love this child.

We are so excited about open adoption and we hope that both birth parents and their parents can be involved in our child's life. I look forward to inviting them to big events like birthday's and baptisms. But right now I am just terrified of them ruining our chances of having a family.

Maybe I shouldn't even post this, because now I am scared of the backlash. Sometimes I have a hard time expressing myself.

Monday, October 26, 2009

DeJa Vu?

Today I had to go see the doctor about a PCOS related issue. A few years ago we had a lady doctor move to the area, so I had switched to her, but she moved this spring and referred me back to the OBGYN. I put off this appointment for a little while, mostly because I miss having a Mrs. before the doctor's name.

Last week I paused in my waiting to become to a mother to remind myself that even though I don't care for the wait, at least I am beyond that "monthly meltdown". No more pregnancy test = no more negative pregnancy tests. My stress and depression was so greatly reduced when we realized a pregnancy was not meant to be. I don't miss that. When trying to conceive that four week wait was killer! Am I pregnant? My period is two days late, does that mean something? Oh, how I HATED those moments. Infertility literally tears a person apart as they wait for those two little lines or the plus sign to appear.

Sure, we have waited 21 (gulp) months, but not once in that time have I had to break down and cry because once again I'm not pregnant. With our adoption wait the time seems to pass differently. It's not like it's a more pleasant wait, because it isn't, but at least I don't have a mental and emotional breakdown every 4 weeks.

So back to today. I didn't know how to react when I went to the doctor. I walked in and there was 7 very pregnant bellies staring at me. Do I sit by the door so everyone coming and leaving walks past me, their belly eye level with me, or do I sit at the front and face the same dilemma? Sadly, there was not a lot of room and I sat right under the TV so they all stared at me. It wasn't traumatic to me, just odd.

But it reminded me of all my friends still trying to conceive, they are still living that nightmare of month to month negative tests. Maybe I needed that little reminder to humble me and remind me that even though I am at peace, some of my friends aren't. My heart goes out for you and you are in my daily prayers. And I can say that with full conviction, because I've been there.

The funny ending to my appointment was my doctor tried to suggest Clomid and I immediately said no because I've heard how horrible that stuff can be. When I tried to explain our zero sperm count, he suggested a donor. I'm so glad that I am in a comfortable place that I knew the answer without even having to think about it. I know for us, personally, adoption is our answer. But I'm also glad to know I have a new, caring doctor.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Faith can move mountains

Even though 1 out 6 couples suffer from infertility, it is still a lonely world. It's hard to live in a world when babies continue to enter your life from every direction. It hard to trudge forward with your head held high, when you feel so misunderstood. It's hard to hope on the unknown.

It's just as hard to live as an expectant parent after being approved for adoption. In January 2008 our paperwork was approved and we became a waiting couple. We became expectant parents. We started our own, be it long and drawn out, pregnancy.

I try to not murmur about our trial of infertility. I've tried to remain positive and uplifting to those around me. I've tried to share my excitement, but that's hard to do when there is no end in sight.

Infertility and waiting on adoption is met with lots of advice.
*You just need to relax.
*Be patient, your time will come, it will happen.
*You need to have more faith.

Those three statements are what I dread THE MOST to hear. But they are what I hear the most often. But right now, it's the third one that is troubling me today. "You just need to have more faith."

I'm sorry, I didn't realize that we didn't have faith. Each morning I get up and check our adoption email account, hoping to finally see a message. Seventeen times now, I have opened my email to see that I have a new message. Seventeen times I have thought, "What if its another scam?" But, seventeen times I have clicked on new message hoping against the odds. Seventeen times I have been wrong, but I continue to check this email account on a regular basis. Is that not a sign of my faith?

Each day I watch couples with their children and each day I dare to think, "that will be me someday." Is that not faith? Each night I find myself in deep prayer. Praying for our birth parents; for their health, for their comfort, for their love. Each night I pray that our time will come soon that we will become parents. Is that not faith?

Each day I try to hand out our adoption pass along cards. Sometimes I am met with comments that they won't make a difference. Sometimes I am told it's a waste of my efforts. But I continue to hand them out! I feel that even if our cards don't result in a baby for us, if they help a young women choose adoption, than I am making a difference. Is that not faith?

Sometimes I dare to dream big and I start to talk about those dreams, only to to met by opposition. It comes in many forms, but always it is heartbreaking and I promise myself I will not subject myself to that again. And yet, faith lives on, and down the road I start to try to share those dreams once again.

I know these people mean well, and I know they don't mean to hurt my feelings. I know they say things out of love, I just don't hear it that way.

A week ago I took the biggest leap of faith in regards to our adoption. I told a girl we weren't the parents for her precious baby. Is that not faith? It is so hard to say no. It's hard to think that we could be parents now. But because of my faith, I knew it was what we needed to do. I said no, because I have faith that something better will happen to our family.

I have several friends who are exercising faith while they wait for their families to grow. One friend tried for 18 months to get pregnant. 18 months! I never once would have dreamed of telling her to have more faith. I've had friends struggle to get pregnant and then a few short weeks later have a miscarriage. Would you caution them to have faith? (If you would, than you are not a nice person.)

In our church we are taught that faith CAN move mountains. I've probably heard that a thousand times. And yet, I don't think I've heard that faith WILL move mountains. To me, that is a significant difference. Faith CAN move mountains. If a mountain needs moved, a person can have faith enough to do so. But I don't believe that any faithful person can just move a mountain after having faith to do so. That mountain will move if and when it needs to.

Infertility is our mountain. If my faith alone was enough, then I should have been able to become pregnant. But that was a mountain that didn't need to be moved. It could have, but instead it was a mountain I needed to go over. It's a mountain that needs to stay where it is. My faith could have moved it, but it didn't.

Our adoption wait is our next mountain. I have faith that this mountain can and will be overcome. I also have faith that it will happen on the Lord's timetable, not mine. Even though I continue to pray everyday for our child doesn't mean I lack faith. My prayers are ways of telling my Father that although I am still waiting, I have faith that it can happen. My prayers are said each night so I can feel the peace from my Father in Heaven. My prayers are NOT a lack of faith, rather they are a sign of my faith. If I didn't have faith our adoption would happen, I wouldn't pray for it.

I may get down at times, but I am not broken. Infertility didn't kill me and the adoption wait won't either.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009


Broken by Lindsey Haun

Wake up to a Sunny Day
Not a cloud up in the sky
And then it starts to rain
My defenses hit the ground
And they shatter all around
So open and exposed
But I found strength in the struggle
Face to face with my troubles

When you're broken
In a Million little pieces
And your tryin'
But you can't hold on any more
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believin' in your self
When you're broken

Little girl don't be so blue
I know what you're going through
Don't let it beat you up
Hittin' walls and gettin' scars
Only makes you who you are
Only makes you who you are
No matter how much your heart is aching
There is beauty in the breaking

When you're broken
In a Million little pieces
And your tryin'
But you can't hold on any more
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believin' in your self
When you're broken

Better days are gonna find you once again
Every piece will find it's place
When you're broken
When you're broken

When you're broken
In a Million little pieces
And your tryin'
But you can't hold on any more
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believin' in your self
When you're broken
Oh When you're broken
When you're broken
When you're broken

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Article - All Things Shall Work Together for Your Good

While I was working on my Finding Faith Friday, I found this article. Its a really good article, but it didn't feel right to be my Friday feature so I thought I would share it now. I've highlighted by favorite parts, but the entire article is pretty good, I just didn't feel that the entire thing applied to me. If you would like to read the full article, please click on the title. Tune in tomorrow for my regular schedule article.

All Things Shall Work Together for Your Good

Susan W. Tanner
Young Women General President
May 2004 Ensign

In a sense all of us are in the middle of our own novels, our own life stories. Sometimes our stories feel very intense, and we would like to read ahead to know our own end, to make sure that everything is going to turn out all right. While we don’t know the particular details of our life’s experiences, fortunately we do know something about our futures, if we live worthily.

We are given this insight in Doctrine and Covenants 90:24: “Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good, if ye walk uprightly.” This stunning promise from the Lord that all things shall work together for our good is repeated many times in the scriptures, particularly to people or prophets who are suffering through the trials of their own life stories.

I sense that this promise comes from a tender, caring Father who desires to bless us and give us reason to hope through our earthly journey. Knowing that eventually all things will work together for our good will help us endure affliction like the faithful people from the scriptures who knew of His promises and trusted in them, “having seen them afar off, and were persuaded of them, and embraced them” (Heb. 11:13). We too can embrace this promise.

Sometimes we see immediate fulfillment of the promise. Other times we plead for years before we see the desired promises fulfilled.

Everywhere there are young women who are in the middle of their own stories, facing dangers and hardships. As with Peter there will be “angels round about you, to bear you up” (D&C 84:88). They will sustain us as we carry our earthly burdens. Often in our lives, those angels are the people around us, the people who love us, those who allow themselves to be instruments in the Lord’s hands. President Spencer W. Kimball said: “God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs. Therefore, it is vital that we serve each other in the kingdom”

Answered Prayers

A few months ago my prayers changed. I still kept my plea, "please let a birth mom choose us, and please let it be soon". But I could feel my self sinking and I needed something to change, to keep me from dropping down into despair. So in addition to my pleas for a child I also added, "please just let us know that we are at least being looked at."

After a few months, it felt like a repetition to my prayers, but I needed something to restore my confidence, something to let us know we were making an appearance in the adoption world.
Of course, with all prayers, the Lord knew when I would really need this prayer answered. Only He would know that I was strong enough to struggle on further. Only He could really see when I would need that answer.

Saturday night was just another normal night for us. Josh was grilling dinner outside and I was blogging online when the phone rang. A young woman was looking at Parent Profiles; she was looking at OUR profile. I was so nervous and found it hard to talk so I asked her to first tell us about her. What a delightful person who has been placed in such a tough place. She loves her little girl and wants to give her the world. She liked us because we looked so happy. I had a nice time visiting with her, and the excitement I felt was amazing. Could this be our little girl?

By the next morning we knew that this was not our little girl. It was heartbreaking. We knew that morning we needed to tell this brave young woman to keep looking for a family and yet it took us hours to finally write the email and then even a few more hours to send it. It's so hard to say no.

It was another learning experience for us. We still aren't sure when we will finally get to adopt, but we know that this wasn't our time. Josh said it perfectly when he reminded me we are looking for our child and if this girl isn't ours than we would be taking someone else's baby and that wouldn't be fair.

I never could have had the strength to say no if I wasn't so sure of the comfort and peace I knew my Heavenly Father would give me. I knew that when we said no, I would not be alone. I knew He would be right there to carry until I find the strength to move on.

I also remembered those prayers I have been sending heavenward for so long now. I thought I needed that answer months ago and even weeks ago. But this last week has been so trying. This past week was one of the times where for a brief moment I said, "I can't do it. I'm ready to give up." I don't have those extreme moments often, but when I do, my Savior is there to give me a push and a reminder that I can do this. I'm so grateful He waited until now to answer my prayers.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Empty Arms

Infertile followers, check out this link. It leads to a video about infertility.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Taking a break from sanity to battle some demons...

*Warning, this is a LONG post. I've actually been working on it since May. I would get frustrated and add to it, then calm down and edit it some more. With the return of my recent demons I became determined to finish this post and hopefully be able to move beyond these issues.

I love telling people we are looking to adopt. I don't mind telling people that we are infertile, I can even joke about it (we have no sperm in our marriage!). But that's about all I can do. I wish I could find the words to describe our infertility, how it makes us feel, how it has changed us and how it affects our day to day life. Maybe if I could talk about it, then people could understand us better, why we have hard days, what causes them, why I sometimes get angry and why I sometimes (okay, all the time) get offended so easily.

A few years ago I dropped into a deep, dark place. I wasn't a mother and thought my life was over. What was the point of living if I couldn't be a mother? I wasn't happy. I would go days with endless crying and other days just feeling numb so I wouldn't cry. It was hard to function. When I was around people I was angry, mean, hurtful, (please continue this list as you like). I thought I could never be happy again, unless I was a mother, but who would give a baby to a bitter person like me?

One of the biggest things that helped turn my life around was joining some support groups. I started meeting other people like me. They too couldn't have babies, and therefore their dreams couldn't come true. I heard stories very similar to mine and stories that were more painful than mine. But I also gleamed hope and faith from these friends. They had found a way to move on with their lives and I could too.

Prayer, hope, faith, time and a loving husband are what pulled me through. I was able to find other reasons to be happy. I was able to restore my faith that I can still be a mother someday. I was able to repair some of the damaged relationships I had sabotaged. I was able to rejoice with my friends as I watched their dreams come true.

I have come a long ways, but infertility is not something you can ever recover from. It will always be a part of my life, it will always be my demon. I have reached the point where I can celebrate new births. I don't think I celebrate them as much as others do, but I no longer dread them. I no longer try to ignore them. I no longer fall apart when they happen. But even as I smile to welcome a new little life, silently my heart is breaking inside of me.

I think that is where some of the misunderstanding comes from. "She must be okay, or she wouldn't have come," is what I fear they say behind my back. But those milestones that pregnant women get to celebrate are road blocks that I have to navigate past. I'm okay that I can't get pregnant... until they start talking about the good moments like hearing the heart beat of the very first time, feeling them kick, seeing them move on an ultrasound and talking about their first moments in this world. Then my demons start to haunt me again.

When families around me started to grow and therefore things started to change, I became angry. They didn't do those kind of things before! They didn't own stuff like that before! I let this eat me up for a long time. I convinced myself that this stuff was happening because they loved these people more than us. It took me a long time to realize what it was really about.

Of course they didn't have toys or traditions like that before. They had no children in their lives before so what was the point. Of course things would change after babies started to enter the family, with those new additions came changes to how things were.

Each time I come to these new revelations, I just have to battle my demons. I just can't immediately accept these new understandings. They make sense and I know I should be okay, but I still have to fight my way to acceptance and peace. Sometimes it takes days and sometimes it takes weeks.

Entering into the adoption world brought so many insecurities. The first (and biggest) stress is, will a birth mom ever find us, fall in love with us, and choose us to parent her child? But those thoughts led to others and eventually I started to question EVERYTHING about myself. What do I know about being a mom? Why do I have to wait for someone to think I am good enough to raise a child? What if they don't like (insert odd quirks here) about me? What if we never get chosen? I'm not cool/pretty/smart/talented/etc. to be chosen. Why must the waiting be so long? Why must the waiting be so HARD?

I was thinking of those issues the other day and I am struggling to over come them. When we did our paperwork, the hardest thing to do was the birth mom letter. We had two pages to talk about ourselves and why we thought we could be great parents. We agonized over the letter and I think we rewrote each line about a dozen times. I kept thinking that if our families read it they would point things out that they didn't like.

After it was finished I had a few copies and a friend picked one up and started reading. My heart jumped out of my chest. I DIDN'T want her to read it. I couldn't understand why. I knew that strangers would be reading my letter and I was okay with it, but I was afraid of what this person would think. When we had family proof read it, I was terrified of what they would say. "That's not exactly true", "Why would you describe stuff that way", "Do you really do that?"

I also started to stress over what people would think when our family grew through adoption. Would they love our children just as much as they would have if they had been physically born into our family? What if biological children were loved more than our adopted children. I really struggled with this. My heart broke over the "what ifs".

Which leads to my newest battle. I just assume that people should care about how we are doing and that they should do something to show they are thinking about us. Then when that doesn't happen, I get mad and declare that I KNOW they don't like me. I have convinced myself that if people don't ask about our adoption, it's because they don't care and it has caused me such heartache. I know this isn't really true, but in my mind all I can hear is "they don't care about you." It may sound silly, but I have lost sleep over this.

After stewing over this for, well probably near to FOREVER, I realized something. Maybe it's hard to talk about the unknown. Maybe it's hard to speculate about something that isn't a guarantee. Maybe they don't want to get our hopes up and give us false hope. Maybe they DO care, but they don't know how to show it.

I've been stewing over this new concept for a few weeks now. It makes sense, or at least I know it should. But I think I have lived with this self doubt for so long that I can't shake it off yet. I've spent so long telling myself that no one cares that I think I have come to believe it. I'm trying to change my way of thinking, but those doubts creep right back in.

And yet each day as this battle goes on, I seem to gain a little ground. Sometimes its the actions of others that gives me understanding. Sometimes it is me, finally succumbing to the will of the Lord.

Sometimes it is a matter of sincere, deep, and long prayers just asking for this burden to be taken from me. I have felt those prayers being answered. I've had moments where I thought "what if..." Then I obsess over it. "If I could just have this experience, I would be okay." And yet I know those are experiences I can't have. So then I just ask for the desire to be taken from me. And it has worked. I'm not asking for the desire of motherhood to be taken, just moments, like hearing heartbeats.

Infertility is not going to break me. I am learning to live with it, learning to deal with the heartache it brings into my life. Some days it doesn't affect me and some days I still have moments where it paralyzes me, but I think I have finally reached the point where I don't revolve around it every waking (and sleeping) moment of my life. Infertility has become a part of who I am, but I don't need to let it be the only thing that I am.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Paper Pregnancy vs. Belly Pregnancy

Infertility has taken the opportunity to speculate about children. I hate it that when someone is expecting, everyone can wonder about the baby. Will she look like mom or dad? Will he be blond or brunette? Will she look like her sister or brother? I always want to remind people that we too are expecting. Sure we don't have a due date. Really, we don't know a single thing about our potential child. But they are in our hearts. We dream about them every night. We talk about them every day. We want to share this experience with everyone.

I guess it's hard to speculate about the unknown. With a pregnancy, the parents and family can talk about upcoming events. "Just think, next Christmas, baby won't be in your belly anymore and will be here to celebrate with us." We don't get that luxury. We have spent many holidays now thinking "next year..." But with adoption, we really don't know that our baby will be here by Christmas, or by any certain date for that matter.

I just feel so left out. Everyone will start talking about future events and such and they always include those who have a bun in the oven, but not about those who are paper pregnant. Do they think it will never happen? Or do they think that it might hurt to mention the fact that not only are we childless, but also we are waiting on the unknown world of adoption to help our family grow? I really think it is the second reason, but it's still hard to deal with.

I want to sit around the dinner table and talk about how our child will have a seat at it someday. Will they have dark curly hair to go with their brown eyes? I want to speculate if our child will be daddy's hunting buddy or mommy's little girl. I want to feel like our family is thought about, hoped for and dreamt about.

An adoptive friend of mine recently posted about this same subject on her blog. Check it out HERE. She was able to describe so many of my thoughts and feelings about waiting in the background of expectant motherhood. She talks about a friend who is expecting a baby through adoption and was just matched with a birth mom. Now this friend wants to start preparation work on the nursery. Some are hesitant to help her because they are fearful the adoption will fall through and not take place.

We live with that fear too, and we aren't even matched with a birth mom yet. It's one of the risks we take by trying to have our family grow through adoption. But all methods of reaching mother hood are risky. I have friends that have suffered miscarriages, still births, and early births that resulted in death. But they were all mothers. They all celebrated their pregnancy, speculated about their children and made preparations for their arrival. And then tragically their children were taken from them.

As an expectant adoptive mother why shouldn't I be allowed to act the same. We are anxiously awaiting our child. Why can't that be celebrated and talked about? If we have an adoption fall through we are going to mourn no matter what. Just because our child isn't in my belly, doesn't mean we love it any less. Our child is growing in our hearts.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Surrounded by mothers

I had an experience this weekend, and even though I'm still not sure what to think of it, I wanted to write it down.

I struggled off and on for the last few weeks about still being childless. Some days the waiting just seems to be too much and I want to give up. I was on the mountain waiting for Josh to call me back and in the quite of my car, I once again found myself pouring out my heart and soul to my Heavenly Father.

"Why must we wait so long?"

"What am I supposed to be learning from this?"

"Will we be parents soon?"

"Why can't I just be a mother already?"

In the midst of all my questions, I looked up at the road. A deer was crossing the road. Halfway across she looked back to watch her fawn cross with her. When she reached the other side of the road, she stopped again to make sure the fawn was still with her.

I don't believe this was coincidence. I believe that I needed to be reminded that motherhood happens in nature. Once again, I was able to find the peace that I go looking for so often.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Alma 17: 2-3

I'm really trying today to remember that I am grateful for my infertility. I KNOW that we are supposed to adopt. It is something that is burned in my heart and soul. And yet, sometimes I still feel like I am missing out because I can't get pregnant.

While looking for an article for my Finding Faith Friday I came across Alma 17. I am getting better at relating to the scriptures.

Alma 17:2-3
" 2 Now these sons of Mosiah were with Alma at the time the angel first appeared unto him; therefore Alma did rejoice exceedingly to see his brethren; and what added more to his joy, they were still his brethren in the Lord; yea, and they had waxed strong in the knowledge of the truth; for they were men of a sound understanding and they had searched the scriptures diligently, that they might know the word of God.

3 But this is not all; they had given themselves to much prayer, and fasting; therefore they had the spirit of prophecy, and the spirit of revelation, and when they taught, they taught with power and authority of God."

I don't want to quote the scriptures incorrectly, but when I read the above scriptures I felt, in my heart, a few things.

1. Alma rejoiced to see his brethren because they shared something in common. A few weeks ago I was rejoicing because I finally got to meet several of the people from the group. It was so rewarding to be surrounded by so many that had gone through the struggle of infertility. Some have been able to finally have the family of their dreams through adoption, and some are still waiting for that miracle. But I was happy for every one of them because we understand each other, we've all had to live with the pain of infertility.

2. Alma and his brethern searched the scriptures. When we were approved to adopt I couldn't get enough information. I wanted to know EVERYTHING about adoption. I have learned a lot, but there is still so much more for me to learn.

3. I have spent countless hours on my knees in prayer with my Heavenly Father asking Him to help me accept his will. Because of that I have come to know that we need to adopt and over time it has made the pain of infertility lessen. Both Josh and I believe that we were preordained in Heaven to adopt. Of course, we can't remember that, but because of all my prayers I have come to believe that to be true. Our Heavenly Father HAD a plan for our family. OUR Family is going to be amazing, but first we must come to terms with our suffering, learn to accept His will and His timetable.

4. When Alma and his brethern taught, they TAUGHT with power. They were passionate about the word of God. I feel the same about adoption. It is my passion. I love telling people about how it has changed, how it has touched so many lives, how it will bless our family. If I run out of time to talk, I give them my email and tell them to contact me so I can tell them more.

I still have my days when I struggle with infertility. Some days I can quickly move on. Other days I almost have to relive the pain for a little while. I don't know why. But usually at the end of my revisited grief I can remember just how blessed I am.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Life lessons from infertility

Something happened this week that kind of upset me. It wasn't adoption related but within minutes I was comparing this experience to my infertility trying to figure out how I need to accept what was happening.

When we were still trying to get pregnant, each month was a blow to my heart. My period would be late, so I would get excited and take a pregnancy test. But they were always negative. I reached the point where I thought the only way I could be happy was to become pregnant. I thought if that never happened, then my life would be worthless. I LIVED TO SEE THOSE TWO LITTLE PINK LINES.

But then we started to think adoption, and I knew that I could be happy again. I didn't have to get pregnant to be a mother. I can still have little children running up and down the hallway of our home.

So when my heart was troubled earlier this week I realized that even though we thought things would happen a certain way and now they won't, it's okay. God has something else in mind and when we finally realize what His plans are, we will be happy with how things turned out.

I received this email, well who knows when. I've been holding on to it for quite a while and thought I would post it here. Maybe to some it makes no sense to relate it to infertility, but it sums up how I feel today.

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
When you figure out which it is, you will know exactly what to do.

Some people come into our lives and quickly go
Some people become friends and stay a while
leaving beautiful footprints on our hearts
and we are never quite the same
because we have made a good friend.

When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a season, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person or people involved; and put what you have learned to us in all other relationships, and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

May today there be peace within you.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received,
and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing that you are a Child of God.
Let His presence settle into your bones,
and allow your soul the freedom to sing,
dance and to bask in the sun.
It is there for each and every one of you.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Thoughts on Infertility

Last year we had to take an adoption class. They gave us a disc with a ton of articles and I just remembered they had some on infertility. I will share them over the next few weeks.

Patrician Irwin Johnson:
"As with any wound, it heals with a scar which can be reopened at an unexpected time. Infertility's scars remain on the soul long after the wounds have healed.

Barbara Eck Manning:
"My infertility resides in my heart as an old friend. I do not hear form it for weeks at a time, and then, a moment, a thought, a baby announcement or some such thing, and I will feel the tug - maybe even be sad or shed a few tears. And I think, 'There's my old friend.' It will always be a part of me."

Al Berk & J. Shaprio:
"Grief is...a natural reaction to the feelings of helplessness when a couple realizes that pregnancy will never occur. This grief over the loss of life's goals - the pregnancy experience and having children - is particularly difficult because our society does not recognize such a loss with rituals or other processes that could allow the couple to work through the time of grief."

Silber & Dorner:
"Infertility is grief experience, although traditionally it has not been viewed as such. Infertility is a loss - it is a loss of the imaginary child (the child the couple imagines would have been born to them). They will go through all the normal stages of grieving for this loss, just as if they had lost a child through death. However, society does not relate to or understand the loss of infertility because it is invisible."

Let's discuss infertility

I have a friend who is currently struggling with infertility. I've been there, it's not fun. She has asked for people to comment and explain how they deal with their infertility. I thought it was a great idea so I want to do it here too. Please leave a comment about how infertility has affected your life and what you did to overcome the overwhelming sadness of it.

I think my blog is set up to accept anonymous comments so feel free to do so if you don't want to identify yourself.

Infertility is something that will never go away, but hopefully it is something we can all learn to live with.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

One Lovely Blog

When I first started this blog, it was private. It was my place to go vent when I felt like the world was unfair because I was infertile. Slowly I started to invite a few people to view it; my only requirement? They were infertile like me. But then I decided that I didn't need to hide my feelings about infertility so I opened this blog up. The results?

I won an award!! Thank you Brenda for this award. I am honored (and surprised, but still mostly honored). Brenda runs a couple blogs that are awesome. She talks openly about infertility on I AM where she wrote an awesome letter to fertile woman. She also has a family blog and my favorite part is Matching Monday. It is the first place I go every Monday morning. Thank you Brenda for your work in helping these children find homes. Thanks to you I have taken a step off the cliff and inquired about a waiting sibling group. (Which we were told to wait until the END of July for a response!)

Getting back to the award...

Here are the rules:
1. Put the award on your blog.
2. Include a link to the person who gave you the award.
3. Nominate 6 or more blogs
4. Leave a message on their blog letting them know they have an award on your blog.

1. My very favorite infertility blog is In Pursuit of Parenthood. She writes everything I wish I could say in such a beautiful, thought provoking way. I would highlight just one post of hers, but I love all of them.

2. When I need a good laugh, I always go to 3 Cute Kids. Here kids crack me up! My favorite post is You can choose. This has become a running joke at our house! We are always using it against each other telling them to choose something.

3. I have always dreamed of having twins and looking at all the pictures of these two little girls at Trent & Carlie and Co. I want a set of twins of my own. Even if you don't have twins, be sure to check out her Twin Tips because they could apply to anyone with a baby.

4. Sometimes I actually feel blessed about our infertility (got to love that male infertility can be a final answer to your medical woes), especially when I watch friends take on the evil pill known as Clomid. I am so glad I never had to try that. What a wrecky hormone pill! But my friend, Ashley, at Feigning Fertility is trying to conceive with that pill.

5. When we decided to adopt, I was delighted to learn that I had a cousin who was adopting too. I love talking with her about our struggles and I secretly hope that heaven smiles down on us and we adopt at the same time so our children can be friends. I also wish I could decorate as beautifully as she does.

6. Failed adoptions are heartbreaking. In just one week I knew of three different couples who had one happen to them. An Eternal Family in Progress was one of them. They are currently holding a contest that will help them spread the word that they are trying to adopt.

7. The star of Kiara's Corner is of course Kiara. What a doll! She is cute and funny. Check out some of her silliness at Kiara-isms.

8. When we first decided to adopt, open adoption terrified us. But then we started to meet people and learn what a wonderful thing it really is. Dustin, Andrea & Avery have a great open adoption with their birth mom Andee. I can only hope and pray that someday we can have that kind of relationship too.

9. I follow several crafty blogs, but one of my favorites is Inky Smiles. She is amazing at scrap booking. Someday I will get brave enough to actually try some of the things she does like Quilling & Butterflies.

10. I can't forget my other favorite blog. (Her kids have me rolling on the floor in laughter!) Mommy Musings: Notes from the Trenches, may look like she has her hands full, but with kids like hers there is never a dull moment. One of my personal favorites, the gum letter.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Increasing my odds!

One of my favorite infertility blogs is having a onsies giveaway that I really want to win. I already posted about it on my main blog, but I thought I would post it here to and try to increase my chances of winning. I've also posted her button in my side bar. Check the contest out HERE.

Friday, July 3, 2009

No Less Than A Woman

I was just browsing through YouTube and found a great song dedicated to infertility. You rock Lady Saw for getting this out into the world!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Things to never say to an adoptive couple

An adoptive mom just wrote an awesome ARTICLE on things not to say to an adoptive mother.

Even though we have not adopted yet, we get questions very similar to those. Here are a couple that are my personal least favorites.

After you adopt, you will be able to have one of your own. This comment makes me the maddest, I'm talking grizzly bear mad. Adoption DOES NOT cure infertility. Adoption does cure childlessness and fills empty homes, but it does not guarantee a pregnancy. Actually only about 10% of couples who adopt, will go on to have their own successful pregnancy later on. I have met hundreds of adoptive families over the last few years. Very few of them have had their families continue to grow through their own pregnancies. I also know couples who do conceive, but unfortunately have miscarriages. Some of those couples choose to adopt and still their family doesn't grow through their own personal efforts. If a pregnancy does happen after adoption than it is just as big a miracle as adoption itself. I am very passionate about this and I think people are finally understanding that we really have no desire to become expectant parents through pregnancy. Please don't ever say this to a couple looking into adoption.

You both work full-time so you must be rich enough to adopt. I have a harder time talking about this subject, but I think it's time to lay it all out. Adoption is expensive, but that doesn't mean the agencies are rolling in the money. They provide: medical care, housing, and counseling (and I'm just hitting the highlights). We will also have to pay legal fees and hire an attorney when we go to court to make everything official. We are not paying money to buy a baby, we are paying to help take care of the birth mom while she is pregnant. We both work for several reasons. I couldn't stay home all day, every day, in a quite house. I would go insane. But the real reason I work is because we need the income. We are trying to save for an adoption, put hubby through school without going in to debt, plus just continue to have the money we want to live comfortably.

I could never do an open adoption, I wouldn't feel like the mother. Adoption has changed so much over the years. Gone are the days of a birth mom placing a child and then never hearing about them ever again. Change is progress. This women chose to place their children because they LOVE them. What a peace of mind they can have as they get the chance to watch their child grow. Once we adopt, the child will be ours for eternity. But we still want the chance to share them with their birth parents. Those parents gave them the chance to live, now we are giving them the chances at life. We've met several birth moms from different situations. I've seen the healing that comes to those with open adoptions. When we first started the adoption process, open adoption scared us. But there is nothing wrong with having even more people to love a child as it grows.

Aren't you worried about getting a baby with problems? Stereotypes are horrid. Birth moms are awesome and they have their acts together. That is why they make adoption plans. They may have made mistakes, but they are turning it into a miracle. Plus, even if we could have conceived a baby on our own, sure, we could of controlled things like drug exposure, but we still wouldn't have had the perfect baby. Medical conditions are possible with all pregnancies. That is just a part of mother nature.

I could never love a child that wasn't my own. DNA has nothing to do with love. You feel in love with your spouse and you weren't related to them. I also feel in love with my in-laws and I'm not related to them either. Love is unconditional, that's what makes it so great. We will love our child no matter where they come from. I should also add that we will love our children no matter what they look like.

Your time will come. No one is more aware of this fact than we are. After years or trying to conceive and now years of trying to adopt, we realize that it will happen when it's supposed to happen. Most days we are okay with this. But it doesn't change the fact that is seems like we are standing still while others move forward with their lives. We live in Utah, where having a family is a big deal. We go to baby showers, baby blessing and even to the hospital to welcome family and friends who have brought little ones into the world. We have friends who were able to adopt a lot faster than us, while we still suffer with those whose adoption plans seem to drag on. We know and adoption will happen within the Lord's timing, but until then we come home to a quite house every night. People probably say this because they think it's what we need to hear and coming from their own mouths, it probably does sound good, but to us it's just a shouted reminder that we are still childless. Instead you could say things like, "We are thinking and/or praying for you." Or you could ask if we have heard anything. The answer is usually no, but it lets us feel acknowledged. Even though we are only a family of two, we are still important.

We are both very passionate about adoption, and we both love to talk about adoption. Feel free to ask us any questions. We want to educate the world about adoption. It's not some scary thing that should be kept a secret. It should be celebrated.

Coming soon...

I have decided to start posting things I find inspiring on this blog on Friday's. I want to highlight articles and videos that inspire me to move forward with faith. For the most part I will highlight articles from, but I will also be looking for articles on infertility and how to cope with it. If you find an article you want featured, please email me at

Monday, June 8, 2009

Going through the grief cycle (again)

I've been having a hard time lately. I have come to accept the fact that I will never be pregnant and I can live with that. But I realized last week that I will probably never get to hear my child's heartbeat through an ultra sound and that made me sad. There are some couples whose birth mom involve them in doctor appointments and sometimes the actual birth, but sometimes they don't. I realize that more than anything I want to be a parent and this is probably not a big deal, but I feel like I am mourning all over again.

Plus my dreams have started back up again where I dream about getting "the phone call." You know the one, "You're parents. Come pick up your baby." Yesterday in church I just had a sudden urge to get home because I was sure there would be a message on our phone. I didn't think church would EVER end. But it was only my heart playing tricks on me, no one ever leaves us a message.

Friday, June 5, 2009

All I can say is....WOW

I had an amazing experience today where I know that God's hand is in my life and it the dentist office.

Let me go back to the first of the year to really show how amazing this all is. At the beginning of the year the dentist I was using quit accepting our insurance. I was totally bummed over this, because I really liked this dentist. So bummed that I bought off find a new dentist for almost 6 months.

Then last week I noticed that my teeth didn't feel as clean and I decided to get an appointment for a cleaning. I asked around at work and found a new dentist. This Monday, I called to get an appointment, knowing it would be several weeks out because dentists are just busy like that and I wouldn't be a priority since I didn't have a tooth ache. Plus, I only want to go on Friday's which narrows my chances.

Guess what...they had a cancellation for THIS FRIDAY. I have never been able to get a cleaning the same week that I called for the appointment. EVER.

After some pictures, poking, cleaning, I was informed I needed to have some work done and his insurance specialist would help me out with the costs and some appointments. After we were all finished I decided to hand her one of our pass along cards (that's what their for). I still feel awkward when I give these out, but I am getting better. I just let them know that we are looking to adopt and if they know of any one please give them our information or if you feel inspired to give it to someone for the same reason, please pass it on.

Today I gave her our card and got as far as, "We are trying to adopt." She exclaimed that they just started to look into it for themselves. We spent another 15 minutes visiting about adoption. Adoption is so close to my heart that I could talk about it forever. They are going through a different agency, but I've invited her to join our local FSA and I hope we can become great friends there.

I don't like going to the dentist, but I know I was supposed to be there today.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

I can't believe some people!

This article, was in our local paper today. I am just sick over it. How could a person be like that! It makes me want to beat her for trying such a thing, but at least not until after the baby is born. I've already emailed the paper and asked them to follow up on this with something positive and helpful like an adoption article or at least an article on the Utah Safe Haven Law. I am also working on a letter to the editor, but I think first I need to get my emotions back under control.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Sudden Growth

I have decided to go public with this blog. I've decided that with so many blogs and one of them being private, it looked like I was trying to hide something. (Okay, I was.) But I've realized that I have nothing to hide.

My intent for this blog is pure infertility, adoption, and the highs and lows that come with them. Anyone can read this blog, but when I talk infertility I am talking to my "barren friends".

In an effort to make my life more positive, I have made a mass effort to delete all negative thoughts on my blogs. I also decided to import everything infertility related to this blog. I didn't want to loose any comments so I copied them over too and then I made sure to keep the original date of the posting.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

It's time to move on

I have done a lot of soul searching and realized it is time to let things go and move on with my life. I have let infertility hold me prisoner too long. I have lost friends and family over it and I think if I continue like this I could let it ruin me completely.

I don't know what it will take to fix relationships that I sabotaged. I hope I haven't done too much damage.

I thought about deleting this blog, but I'm not going to. I still feel like I need a place to come where I don't need to fear being judged. But I probably won't blog on here much anymore. When infertility starts to get hard I am going to try to find and read positive articles. If I find anything great I will be sure to post it somewhere so my barren friends can benefit from it too.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Hello old friend...

Infertility has been kicking me around again and this time I am having a hard time pulling out of it. I'm spent a few days trying for find some encouragement. This what I have found so far.

Patricia Irwin Johnson: "As with any wound, it heals with a scar which can be reopened at an unexpected time. Infertility's scars remain on the soul long after the wounds have healed.

Silber & Dorner: “Infertility is grief experience, although traditionally it has not been viewed as such. Infertility is a loss–it is a loss of the imaginary child (the child the couple imagines would have been born to them). They will go through all the normal stages of grieving for this loss, just as if they had lost a child through death. However, society does not relate to or understand the loss of infertility because it is invisible.”

Barbara Eck Manning: "My infertility resides in my heart as an old friend. I do not hear from it for weeks at a time, and then, a moment, a thought, a baby announcement or some such thing, and I will feel the tug - maybe even be sad or shed a few tears. And I think, 'There's my old friend.' It will always be a part of me."Al Berk & J. Shapiro:“Grief is...a natural reaction to the feelings of helplessness when a couple realizes that pregnancy will never occur. This grief over the loss of life’s goals–the pregnancy experience and having children–is particularly difficult because our society does not recognize such a loss with rituals or other processes that could allow the couple to work through the time of grief.”

One friend sent me a great quote by Sister Julie Beck, "I know of many couples who desire to have children and aren’t given that blessing. Their challenge is the challenge of not having children, and we need to be listening and supportive and encouraging toward them. And I also believe that the desire to have children in the single sisters and in these couples probably won’t go away if they’re righteous, because that is a God-given desire. It speaks to their very natures and the training they received in the heavens. So that longing will not go away. But the Lord will bless them."

Elder Oaks even goes on to add, "And that longing will weigh in the final judgment. One of the most comforting passages in all of scripture for me is in the 137th section of the Doctrine and Covenants, verse 9, where we’re told that the Lord will judge us according to our works and according to the desires of our hearts."

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

How long?

I found this counter for waiting to adopt at and thought I would figure out our "days of waiting." Since approval we have waited 1 year, 3 months, and 4 weeks. That is just about one and a half pregnancies!

We started our paperwork about April 2007. That was 2 years, 1 month, 1 week, and 5 days ago. OUCH. It seems like we have been waiting forever!

I'm trying to not let it get me down, but then I keep crunching numbers. In 2005, we decided we were ready for a family. That was 4 years, 4 months, 1 week and 5 days ago.

And if I take it one step, we officially stopped all forms of birth control in 2002. We weren't ready for kids yet, but we figured if they came we would be happy. That was 7 years, 4 months, 1 week, and 5 days ago!

I try to not let it get me down; I know there are others who have waited longer and even worse, those who have been able to get pregnant, but miscarry. I would never claim to have experienced pain as deep as theirs.

But I guess today I am feeling the pressure. If you want to look at a more detailed post of our infertility history click HERE for my details and HERE for Josh's.

*Update on the previous post - we have not heard back from Glin, but the more I look at it, the more I think it isn't real. I sent an email last night, but I messed up and sent it to Parent Profiles! I didn't notice until noon today, so I resent the message to her. We haven't heard anything yet.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

A possible situation?

We just received a contact from Parent Profiles, but I can't tell if it's legit and also if it feels right. I've done a little Internet research and found a Glinda in KY, but that's about it. I want to check My Space and Faceboook, but I can't look at those at work, so I'll have to wait until I get home.

E-mail Address:
Phone #:
Affiliation: Birthmother
Comments: ----------------------------------
I am looking for a couple to help my daughter and I both. My health is not the best and we have no one. My whole family is deceased. We are all alone in Ky. If you feel you might like to speak with me please notify me via email at***** Or you could phone me at *****. My daughter is only 5 months old. God Bless, Glin.

I am working on a reply right now, but I haven't sent it yet. Basically I am asking her if she will contact LDSFS, I even listed the info. for the closest office to her, which is about 3 hours it looks like. I want to be excited, but I'm having a hard time. I don' t know if it's because I have a hard time trusting if it's a 'real deal' or maybe it's just not right for us. Realistically I would like to adopt in Utah to keep things simple and I would like and newborn infant, but I guess 5 months isn't that far off.

And of course Josh would choose this day to loose his cell phone. He came home last night and said it was in his vest pocket, but he's not sure where his vest is. ARGH! I am so frustrated with him right now! If we don't follow through with this and if it's feels legit I will pass the information on to those who are looking to adopt.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Is it over?

Mother's Day is probably my LEAST favorite day of the year. With other holiday's, like Christmas and Easter, it is almost possible to skip over the fact that we don't have children, we just try to keep it very low key. But you can't do that for Mother's Day. It's impossible to wake up on that sunny Sunday morning and not think about it. It's Mother's Day... and I'm not a mother.

I fought with myself all week last week. Infertility was kicking my butt. But what can I do about that? I sluffed church yesterday. I almost had a valid excuse, but it fell through at the last moment and I could have went, but I didn't.

Because on the Mother's Day there is always the awkward moment..."Will all of the mothers please stand up and accept their flower?" For years I have ducked down low or left early so I wouldn't feel like I stuck out, but yesterday I didn't want to deal with it so instead I slept in. I know, not cool, but I was looking out for me.

Over the past few weeks I have struggled with something. It didn't quite feel right, but I couldn't stand not doing something to help lead us into parenthood. I even went as far as to make an appointment to look into it. I don't know if it would have been cheaper than adopting and I don't know if it would have been easier than adopting. But it might have increased our odds. All I could think was, maybe it will finally bless us with a child. But it just didn't feel right. Even when I tried to convince myself it would work and we would be parents, I still didn't want to go through with it.

So I told Josh it was up to him. And he drug his feet too. On Thursday night we were getting down to crunch time and I couldn't put it off much longer. Do we do this or not? I did the only thing I knew I could do, I prayed. I prayed harder than I have in a while. And then I listened. And then I knew. We need to adopt. I told Josh I wanted to cancel the appointment and he agreed. The relief I felt was incredible. I still don't have the answer as to when we will finally be parents, but I do know that we need to do it through adoption, and for a few moments that was all I needed.

Yesterday day was a tough day. Someone mentioned that so much has changed over the last 2 years. Really? The only change I can see is that we have a new truck and a dog. I feel like nothing has changed at all. I'm still on the edge waiting for something to happen.

I should pause and look at the positive things. Saturday night I got a very special email from a friend. Savannah , Happy Mothers Day, you are still a mother to all the children in the ward and to the world because of your mission on earth as a woman , you just love them and teach them and most of all set a good example for them. God loves you Savannah. Thank you for that. Then my wonderful loving husband made a great post while I was locked in the bathroom taking a relaxing bath. He really is something special and I am glad I get to share this trial with him.

I've mentioned before that I would love to have a child before the family missionaries start coming home. (I think both Dallon and my grandparents will come home about the same time in October.) That is 6 months away. As I was thinking about that last night I realized that if that happens, then our child could already be on the way and I was sad. If that is true, it means that yesterday our birth mom was a more active part of Mother's Day than we were. Has she already decided on adoption? If so, it must have been a hard day for her. I can't imagine the pain she is going through. She loves that life inside her so much. How will she be able to let go and give that child the life she wants it to have? I can only imagine that she will be able to do it because of her motherly love.



Meka said...

Infertility makes you feel like you are standing still, while everyone is racing past you, living life. At least for me thats is how I felt ARRGG! That is awesome you had that conformation "You need to adopt"! Hold on to that! Mothers day just sucks, I completely ditched church all together on mothers day before Eden. Ya thats how strong I am ha! Anyway, I was wondering if you had a button that you've made that says hoping to adopt or is there something you would like me to add to my blog for you guys? Maybe just the link to your adoption blog?

mandamike said...

I hope, wish, pray that you will become a mother soon. It is SO HARD waiting for someone else to give you the gift of motherhood. Just know that you have friends that are here for you and have been in your shoes.

Desi said...

What a beautiful and thoughtful email you got from your friend! Kind people like that really make a difference. We skipped church. Not to miss mother's day (which I usally try to do too) but because I hadn't seen my husband in two weeks and I was being selfish about needing "us" time.

I'm so excited that you have gotten answers to your prayers and know what you need to do! That is a huge hurtle passed. Unfortionatly, it leads to more waiting. But you have so many people praying for you! I love your blog and that I feel like I have a friend who knows what I'm going through!

Friday, May 8, 2009

Answered Prayer

I have been back and forth over getting further testing for Josh. Last night I really prayed about it. Not just a simple "should we" like I have been doing, but a desperate "I need an answer and I need it now."

To me, what it really came down to was, we test him and it comes back the same and we continue on the adoption path. Or we test him and it comes back that we can fix it and have a chance of becoming parents.

When I think of getting pregnant I get sick. I don't want to be pregnant. I go into a panic. What if I became pregnant and then miscarried. I have been following a blog this week and she is trying to miscarry. Things are wrong with the baby and she needs to let it go. I have friends and family that have miscarried. I can't even begin to comprehend their pain, and I don't want to.

And I know this reason isn't a big deal to some, but I DO NOT want to be the person who adopted and then became pregnant. Every time I started to think about becoming pregnant, I thought of announcing it to family and friends and I knew that we would get plastered with "See, you just needed to relax and not think about it." I didn't want to be that kind of example to others going through infertility. That's not how it works and I don't think I could ever get the world to understand. If we had become pregnant, it would have been because we sought medical help for our medical condition called Infertility.

And it may be vain, but I want to adopt because I want that to be what makes our family special. I don't want to loose the friends I have made in the adoption world. Some of these friends are so dear to me and I don't want to loose their friendship and I worry that if we did become pregnant I wouldn't have anything in common with them anymore. I know we would still have infertility problems in common, but I just don't want to loose the adoption bond. It's too important to me.

I have done a lot of crying and soul searching this past month. I want to be a mom. I can't stand the fact that I am about to go through another childless Mother's Day. It's been 8 years since we married, 7 years since we stopped all birth control methods.

So last night I PRAYED. I want to be a mother and I am tired of waiting. Do we go to the doctor on Wed. and start the medical nightmare again or do we continue to wait on adoption? The answer was clear to me. Just continue as you have been doing.

But then I had to tell Josh. I've asked him several times if he really wanted to go. I keep bugging him to decide what he really wants to do. He didn't like taking that test, did he really want to do it again? He wouldn't ever give me a straight answer, just "I'll think about it." So as we went to bed last night, I asked him again. He said he was only doing it for me. He wants to be a dad and he will do whatever he needs to to reach that goal.

I told him I didn't want him to go. Immediately the pressure went away. And when he agreed a great load lifted off of my shoulders, my entire being.

I am feeling a new calm that I have not felt in a long time. I am still stressed that we aren't parents yet, and there is no end in sight. But I have a peace in my spirit again. It still feels hard, but it also feels bearable. I know that Heavenly Father wants us to adopt.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

To Make Her Love Me

Much against Josh's wishes I have become a Rascal Flatts fan and I bought one of their CD's.

(For some reason he doesn't like boy bands, he thinks they're gay and he is mad that they did a remake to a Chris Ledoux song.)

But when I heard their song, "To Make Her Love Me" I couldn't stop from crying. Sometimes I feel like we aren't good enough to adopt and that is why we don't get looked at. I wish I knew what we needed to do different to make a birthmom love us.

To Make Her Love Me - Rascal Flatts
You waved your hand and it was done
So let it be and there it was
A mountain, so high, it broke through, the sky
A canyon, so deep, it'll bring a man to his knees

I've seen what you can do
I've seen you make miracles and hopeless dreams come true
You've made the heavens and the stars
Everything, come on how hard
Could it be, To make her love me?

I've said some things I shouldn't have
Tried everything to win her back
I'm human, I messed up, Is she gone?, Are we done?
Forgiveness, another chance, that's all I want, it's in your hands

I've seen what you can do
I've seen you make miracles and hopeless dreams come true
You've made the heavens and the stars
Everything, come on how hard
Could it be, To make her love me?


To make her love me
To make her love me (oooo)

I also found another one of their songs that I can relate to or at least I hope to relate to someday. Every one who has adopted talks about how after it happens, all this pain will be worth it. I can't see that yet so it's feels so hard to believe. But I hope that someday it will be worth it. It's what keeps me going.

The Day Before You - Rascal Flatts
I had all but given up on finding
The one that I could fall into
On the day before you
I was ready settled for
Less than love and not much more
There was no such thing as a dream come true
Oh, but that was all the day before you

Now you're here and everything changes
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I would never have to go back to
The day before you

In your eyes I see forever
Makes me wish that my life never knew
The day before you
The Heaven knows those years without you
Shaping my heart for the that day I found you
You're the reason for all that I've been through
Then I'm thankful for the day before you

Now you're here and everything changes
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I would never have to go back to
The day before you

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Malachi 3:3

A friend sent me this email today. It is just what I needed to hear.

Malachi 3:3 says:
"He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.
One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible study.
That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining Silver.
As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all impurities.
The women thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: 'He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.' She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time.
The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.
The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, 'How do you know when the silver is fully refined?'
He smiled at her and answered,
'Oh, that's easy...when I see my image in it.'

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

An Infertility Blog

Someone left this comment on our adoption blog.

Hi. You don't know me, but I've created a "infertility group" blog. I love chatting with other who have been though what I have and wanted to let you know about it.

It's a new blog that's just getting started, but it looks like a great idea!

I stole this from another blog

But since it's in relation to the scriptures, maybe I didn't really steal it. Here is the LINK if you want to the read the entire story, but be prepared to cry.

"All I can think of right now is Nephi.

I think about Nephi a lot. Mostly because it's hard for me to get past Nephi when I read, so I know the stories really well.

We likened infertility to Lehi and his family leaving their city and wandering through the wilderness for years. Knowing they had to go somewhere but not having any direction.

Finding the Liahona was being told to adopt. We had a purpose and a way to get there.

Building the boat out of nothing was our paperwork process

and launching the boat into the sea was the waiting period, complete with storms and bad luck.

Julia was our Promised Land. And the Promised Land is everything we ever dreamed it could be.

When we were trying to decide what to do with our treatments, I thought of Nephi going to get the plates. They failed several times but a way was provided. And I thought that, perhaps, we had reached our goal."

I hope we find our promised land soon.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009


That has been my day! Last week we submitted our paperwork on a possible adoption situation. I didn't hear anything back, and it was pretty costly so I decided to not follow through with it.

(UP) Today my cell phone rang while I was with a customer. I let it go to voicemail. A few minutes later I listened to the message. It was that agency! I couldn't make the call for about 15 minutes until my break. By the end of that 15 minutes I was convinced he was calling to say she picked us!

(DOWN) No, they've not heard back from her yet. But would we be interested in getting the paperwork with them so they can present us to all birthmoms that come there?

(UP) Sure, we'd love to. Then it was my turn for my eye appointment, so I said I would call him back.

(UP) He called to say that they had a birth mom that just started to dialate and the potential family she picked had backed out. Could he show her our info? Yes please!

(UP) Their paperwork doesn't look too intensive...I need to redo our picture pages, but I want to do that anyways...

(DOWN) Oh, all of their fees are pretty costly. But everyone outside of LDSFS seems to be costly...

(DOWN) I emailed my support group to see what they thought of the agency (The Adoption Center). Bad news, nobody thinks positive of them. They said they seem greedy and have a ton of hidden fees and they don't seem to take care of anyone but themselves.

So now I feel like I am back at square one. Continue to wait on LDSFS and hope that SOMETHING happens! It was nice that the above agency showed our profile to two separate birthmoms in one week! I don't think anyone has looked at our paper profile with LDSFS in the past 14 months! I have decided that if we do take the leap into the expensive agencies than I want to go with A Guardian Angel Adoptions. They are the ones I have been the most impressed with.