Friday, November 20, 2009

Today's Finding Faith Friday article has really helped me. Lately I have really struggled with the idea of birth grandparents. Not that I don't want them in our lives, I do. What is bothering me, is the thought of them talking their daughter out of adoption.

I know I can't truly understand how tough it must be for them. It must be hard when their child announces they are expecting. But I'm sure with the pain of "What if" and "Why now, like this" there is also the excitement. What parent doesn't get excited after hearing they are going to be a grandparent?

What kind of heartache do they face when their child announces they want to place their child for adoption? I'm sure most parents spend years dreaming about their someday grandchildren and to learn that their grandchild will be placed with another family must be hard.

Today there seems to be so many single mothers raising children and grandparents raising grandchildren. I have a hard time with that. Josh and I believe so strongly in forever families and the importance of a child having a mother and father in their lives. A child raised in a single parent home won't get those eternal blessings that we are striving so hard to provide. Grandparents shouldn't have to raise their grandchildren. They did that once, now their reward should be getting to spoil the grandchildren and then send them home for their parents to raise and discipline.

I should correct myself. I do see a difference between single mothers who conceive out of wedlock and single mothers forced into single motherhood by divorce or death. To me a single mother that chooses to raise her child by herself, loves herself more than her child. I do not feel the same about a single mother through divorce or death. They didn't choose those circumstances. Even in a divorce, I'm sure they didn't marry thinking one day they might have to do it alone. I admire those mother. They didn't choose to be single parents, but now that they are, they do their very best for their children. I know several single mothers (mostly through divorce) and I love and admire them.

I seem to have gotten off track. Right now I am not in an emotionally stable frame of mind when it comes to the birth grandparents. My deepest fear is that when we are chosen she will later change her mind because her parents talk her out of it. It happens all the time. I'm sure this is because they fear losing their grandchild. I understand that.

But I wish I could help them see the beauty of open adoption. They aren't losing a grandchild. They are gaining more family members that will do the very best for that child. They are gaining a loving, stable, environment for their grandchild to grow up in and a forever family in the eternities. There is nothing wrong with having more people love this child.

We are so excited about open adoption and we hope that both birth parents and their parents can be involved in our child's life. I look forward to inviting them to big events like birthday's and baptisms. But right now I am just terrified of them ruining our chances of having a family.

Maybe I shouldn't even post this, because now I am scared of the backlash. Sometimes I have a hard time expressing myself.


  1. I just wanted to comment and maybe offer you some comfort. My baby sister is 19 and is pregnant. She is due any day now and is placing the baby for adoption. From the very beginning, my parents have been supportive. My dad is having a hard time with it, but knows it is the best thing (deep down) and would never try to talk my sister out of it. My mom is openly 100% for adoption because our whole family knows that this baby deserves a complete eternal family. It will be hard, but we are all supportive of my sister's decision, and wouldn't want it any other way. So, I just wanted to let you know that although there are grandparents out there who may be upset, there are just as many who are supportive, understanding, and even encouraging in the adoption process. So don't lose hope!!! Adoption is a miracle, and I pray you will get your own miracle one day soon.

  2. My parents are (and were) 100% supportive to my decision. Unfortunately, the success stories of open adoption are not told often. It's the bad ones that are shouted out. Just know, that the grandparents have no legal rights in this situation. I am very thankful for that fact. If your birthparent is solid on adoption, then their parents' opinions won't affect them. There are many strong women out there, and they want the best for their baby. You will be someone's best. I will keep you in my prayers. (ps. if Celeste needs a fellow birth mother to talk to, just send her my way. I would love to talk with her. Also, any questions you may have, please dont hesitate to ask.)
    Adoption Loves,

  3. Hi. my daughter LaNelle (a piece of me)shares your struggle with infertility and adoption...but many years ago, another daughter was a birthmom. I was that grandmother you are afraid of...I actually took my daughter to LDS Social services and encouraged her to place her was the right thing and I wholeheartedly supported her...then and now but those 2 days in the hospital were the ABSOLUTE hardest of my life and it took every ounce of faith and love I possessed to not grab that gorgeous baby boy and run with him...I watched my precious girl's lip quiver as tears streamed down her face as she held, kissed and spoke softly to her baby. She (nor I) slept for 48 hours as we said hello and goodbye to this perfect child. In the end, with the help of my oh so righteous husband, I found the courage to stand at her side and support her (emotionally and physically) as she walked away from the hospital with empty aching arms, shaking from head to toe. Her great racking, but almost silent sobs, tore my heart asunder. The peace and the certainty returned. For her, she had to close the door and never look open adoption wasn't offered then nor do I think she would have wanted that. She KNEW beyond a doubt that he was not her son to raise. She was right. She wisely chose awesome parents, trusted in the confirmation she received from the spirit and completely let go. She is married with 2 precious sons but every December, our eyes meet and for a moment we remember that baby. especially now that LaNelle and Steven are on the other side. It is so very very hard to be a birth-grandma but the birthmom that makes that solid decision will help those grandparents have the courage to support what is right. praying for you. love. hugs.