Thursday, February 26, 2009

Roller Coaster Ride

It has been a roller coaster ride for me lately. Up and down, back and forth. My head is spinning.

For starters, it had been 2 weeks since we heard from Dallon (he is serving an LDS Mission in South Africa). I was trying not to panic, but we miss him so much and we look forward to his emails every Monday. After we didn't get an email this week his mom emailed the mission president just to check up on him and see if maybe he had been transferred to a place with no email. The mission president wrote a beautiful letter back saying that Dallon was fine and that the Internet cafe had been having problems. Then a little later we finally received an email from Dallon. It was just nice to hear that he is still doing well. He comes home in like 8 months and I am so excited to see him again. I hope by then we will have a baby...

I have been emotional wreck the past week while a friend waited for the placement of their baby. My faith in mankind was down and I was having a hard time holding on to hope for her, but I have been reminded that there is power in prayer because on Tuesday they signed all the paperwork and soon as they get the clearance to travel back to the state they live in they get to take her home.

I had another friend in my support group who had an adoption placement even before they were completely approved. They were just waiting on their FBI background check (it's government so that's any one's guess!). It's kind of funny, because each time someone is this group gets a baby (whether through pregnancy or adoption) when they make the announcement they are so apologetic about it. I want to tell them it is a time to celebrate, don't down play it. But now I am starting to understand. It was easy to get excited for the first few, but each time some else gets a baby and we don't, it gets a little harder to handle. I am so happy for this person, but it's just hard to believe that it can happen for others so fast while we continue to wait.

This week, I went to a baby shower. I have a hard time going to those. They have a pool going where you could guess when the baby will be born and guess the weight, length, but I couldn't bring myself to fill the card out. What do I know about that kind of thing? I felt like Prissy in the Movie Gone With the Wind, "Miss Scarlett, I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no' babies." Yes, I realize I could have wrote down something like my own info. from when I was born, but my heart just wasn't into it.

We set up an email just for birth mothers to contact us on. At one point I was checking it EVERY HOUR hoping to see something. The dozen emails we have gotten there have all been scams. I can't believe that the only people looking at our profiles are con artists. I have really tried to refrain from checking this email and now only check it two or three times a day.

This morning as I was driving to work Martina McBride's new song Ride came on the radio. It just may have to be my new theme song!

You wake up from your dream and you don't want to face the day
And you can't find a reason to think your world will ever change
You can hide beneath the covers
Or you can run outside head up high and carry on

Life is a roller coaster ride

Time turns the wheel and love collides
Faith is believing you can close your eyes and touch the sky
So shine while you have the chance to shine
Laugh even when you want to cry
Hold on tight to what you feel inside and ride...

It brings you up slowly then shoots you like a rocket towards the ground

It twists you and it shakes you before it turns you upside down
You can't see what's around the corner
And you can't look back, so just live it up and feel the rush

Life is a roller coaster ride
Time turns the wheel and love collides
Faith is believing you can close your eyes and touch the sky
So shine while you have the chance to shine
Laugh even when you want to cry
Hold on tight to what you feel inside and ride...
*I can't find this song yet to put in on my play list , the CD doesn't come out until next month. If you want to hear the song go to

I am going to try to laugh next time I want to cry. We'll see how that goes. Right now all I seem to want to do is cry...



Malone and Brittany said...

I feel your pain. I'm so happy for our friends, but it just makes me wonder, "when is it going to be our turn?" I'm sure after things work out I'll be able to look back and see the perfection in God's plan for me. But until then, it's hard. Sometimes I just wonder what's so wrong with my plan? I think it's pretty good! :)

Teah said...

Savannah, Thank you for that song. I really needed it today. It was one of those days when I wanted to cry too.

Meka said...

I am so sorry I made you feel that way. I remember the way I felt when my friends (who I had been married much longer then) started having kids. It hurt so much, I didn't want to make anyone feel that way. When couples adopt I think the adversary stays on them, he does not want children going into good loving homes. Don't let him tell you that this wont work, if you feel you are suppose to adopt then it will happen for you. Like I wrote before, everything will be worth it when you meet your baby. I know it sucks having to wait and just not knowing what will happen, how it will happen and WHEN! I will keep praying for you guys, you deserve this so much!

Friday, February 20, 2009

Infertility Etiquette

This article has been popping up lately on a few blogs I follow and also in my support group. It is so great that I had to share it. I keep seeing it in all these infertile places, but really it's an article that family & friends of infertile people need to read. I have inserted my own thoughts in a few places (they are italicized & a size smaller).

Infertility Etiquette
By Vita Alligood

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

That is so true. Every month I would have a negative pregnancy tests it was like having my dream child die. But I had no where I could go to mourn that loss and it was something we had to suffer alone, because no one else understands.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones, which alter the user's moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures, depending upon the treatment used.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

  • They will eventually conceive a baby.
  • They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
  • They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

Infertility is a MEDICAL CONDITION! You don't tell a cancer patient to relax! Infertility is not some mind game, it is a physical problem that NEEDS medical attention.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

There are many reasons why a couple would choose not to pursue this option. Here are a few of them.

IVF is Expensive with Low Odds

One cycle of IVF is very expensive. With all of the hype in the news, many people assume that IVF is a sure thing when, in fact, the odds of success for each cycle are low. Most couples cannot afford to try for one month, much less for multiple times. Considering that it also costs a significant amount of money to adopt a baby, many couples opt for the "sure thing" rather then risking their money on much lower odds.

IVF is Physically Taxing

Undergoing IVF treatments is very rigorous. The woman must inject shots into her thigh daily to cause her ovaries to superovulate. The drugs used are very taxing on the woman, and they can cause her to be become extremely emotional.

IVF Raises Ethical Issues

Ironically, couples who undergo IVF to become parents may have to selectively abort one or more fetuses if multiple eggs are fertilized. Many couples cannot bring themselves to abort a baby when they have worked so hard to become parents. If the couple chooses not to selectively abort, they run the risk of multiple births.

Don't Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVF

On the flip side of the coin, don't offer unsolicited advice to your friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make, for all of the reasons I outlined above.

If the couple has resolved any ethical issues, don't muddy the waters. IVF is a gray area in many ethical circles, and many of our moral leaders don't yet know how to answer the ethical questions that have arisen from this new technology. If the couple has resolved these issues already, you only make it harder by raising the ethical questions again. Respect their decision, and offer your support. If you can't offer your support due to ethical differences of opinion, then say nothing.

A couple who chooses the IVF route has a hard, expensive road ahead, and they need your support more than ever. The hormones are no cakewalk, and the financial cost is enormous. Your friend would not be going this route if there were an easier way, and the fact that she is willing to endure so much is further proof of how much she truly wants to parent a child. The hormones will make her more emotional, so offer her your support and keep your questions to yourself.

Don't Play Doctor

Once your infertile friends are under a doctor's care, the doctor will run them through numerous tests to determine why they aren't able to conceive. There a numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to conceive. Here are a few of them:

  • Blocked fallopian tubes
  • Cysts
  • Endometriosis
  • Low hormone levels
  • Low "normal form" sperm count
  • Low progesterone level
  • Low sperm count
  • Low sperm motility
  • Thin uterine walls

Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose, and reading an article or book on infertility will not make you an "expert" on the subject. Let your friends work with their doctor to diagnose and treat the problem. Your friends probably already know more about the causes and solutions of infertility than you will ever know.

You may feel like you are being helpful by reading up on infertility, and there is nothing wrong with learning more about the subject. The problem comes when you try to "play doctor" with your friends. They already have a doctor with years of experience in diagnosing and treating the problem. They need to work with and trust their doctor to treat the problem. You only complicate the issue when you throw out other ideas that you have read about. The doctor knows more about the causes and solutions; let your friends work with their doctor to solve the problem.

Don't Be Crude

It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I remember my moment like that. My brother in-law told his sister she looked ready to pop and he was scolded for saying such a mean thing. I wanted to pull him aside and tell him if I ever became pregnant I hoped he would say such a thing to me.

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

I could go off here, but I did that a few weeks ago when someone told me I was still on my honeymoon after 8 years because I didn't have to face reality. If I'm not living in reality, than I need to find a happier dream world to live in!

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition

Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)

Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

I know for myself what I want most is to know that people are praying for us. Praying that we we will have a child placed with us. Praying that we will find the comfort we need through this time. Praying that we too can have a family someday.

Remember Them on Mother's Day

With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Something Perfect

There is a song by Michael McLean called "Something Perfect." I hope that some day soon we will be living this song.

There's an ache that's missing today.
There's an emptiness that's been filled.
There's a cloud that's lifting and drifting away.
There's a ragin' storm that's been stilled.
There's a joy that's real.
There's a wound that's finally healed.
There's a future replacing a past.
There's breath of new life in the cast.

And there's something perfect happening here.
And this moment will bury the mountains of fear.
And through countless tomorrows it won't disappear.
This something that's perfect happening here.

No one knows, so no one can say
That tomorrow all will be well.
Will the brightest promise that shines on today
Shine tomorrow? No one can tell.
But one thing is sure
And will be forever more
When such unselfish love has been given.
The world just made more room for Heaven.

And there's something perfect happening here.
And this moment will bury the mountains of fear.
And through countless tomorrows it won't disappear.
This something that's perfect happening here.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Racing to Motherhood

Just last night we were talking about the waiting and how it seems to go on and on (and on and on). Looking back I can say that I would have changed a few things. If our life could have continued on the happy road we were on, I don't think I would have sought medical help as soon as I did. From the time we married I always said I wanted to wait until I was 25 before we started trying. If we had stuck to that plan, I would have only started looking for medical help a year ago instead of 2 1/2 years ago. But sometimes life knocks you over a ledge and you find yourself grasping for any way you can to hang

We had a huge head start on a race that thought we would win. Life became confusing when the runners started to pass us and I couldn't see through the haze that their dust kicked up. But now that the dust has settle everything is clear again. When those runners get to the end of race they will be tired and will have missed out on much of the scenery. Sure, they get to be parents, but I wouldn't trade the time that Josh and I have had together.

The great thing with the race to parenthood is that we all can win the price, no matter what order we finish in. But I think I will take my time, enjoy the view, and share this fun journey with the man I love. I don't know if I can see the finish line yet, but I know it's there and I will continue to work my way towards it.



Audra said...

Good for you on your positive attitude! I know how hard it is sometimes... in the 7 years we were trying there was NO bright side I could see- and now looking back I am finally able to see how things truly were working out for the best even though I didn't think so at the time. Audra (2ofus4now)

Brady and Richelle said...

this post made me all teary-eyed and if you weren't up front working right now, and i could get away from the phones--i'd give you a big hug :). you're going to be a great mother--i can't express that enough.........

~Our Family~ said...

Savannah, You know me and you are a lot alike.. I have been where you are at, I know your feelings because mine were the same as they way you feel. You are not alone in your journey.. I have crossed many bridges and obstacles along our way to a family and had many heart breaks and not understanding why me, feeling sorry for myself, hating the ones that are pregnat and couldn't be around them and we were the first on my husbands side to get married and so we should have had the first grandchild but what I didn't realize is that it wasn't in my hands at all and someone was trying to tell me that it wasn't my time yet. I didn't understand that back then but I do now.. Maybe I wasn't ready to be a mom yet when I wanted.. Maybe Matt and I had to have a better relationship and to be childless for 8 years in our marriage first.. I don't really know the reasons but I'm thankful for the trials in my life it has made me stronger.. I hope and pray that you will be blessed soon with a child.. It is a life changing thing especially going from two to three but well worth it.. I wish you the best of luck and if you ever need to talk I'm here for you since I know your pain and I have been where you are now... I hope this makes sense and I haven't hurt your feelings.. I only want to help if I can... Love Cindy

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

For now...we wait

I was feeling unsettled a few weeks ago. We were looking into another adoption agency, but we have decided to not pursue it for now. It is expensive. It's upsetting to me that anyone can get pregnant and give birth for so much less than we are having to spend. Half of those people can't afford it to begin with it and a lot of those are not fit enough to be parents. I just want to be a mom; it's so unfair.
I know it sounds horrible, but apparently we have put a price on our child. But the whole point of adoption is to give a child a better life than what they would possibly have otherwise. We could get a loan for this money, but I just feel that would decrease our comfort of living. I would hate to not be able to afford diapers and formula because we were busy paying on a loan. I just can't bring myself to do that.
I wouldn't be so upset, but something was said today that hurt. Someone said that we clearly still live in the Honeymoon stage of marriage because we don't have to face reality. I know they meant the reality of having to care for kids, but it still rubbed me wrong.
I'm sorry, we live in reality just as much as anyone else. We have to pay bills. We get up everyday even though we don't want to because we have to go to work.
We also face the reality of a quite house each night because we don't have children yet. I don't work because I am bored. I work because right now we need both of our incomes so we can try to adopt and so my husband can go to school. I shouldn't have to defend myself, but I have felt like I needed to ever since that was said.
We don't live in the honeymoon stage by choice. I enjoy the time we've had together. If I could go back in time I don't know that I would do a whole lot different because I truly treasure what we have been able to share.
Reality to me is that life goes on no matter what. Reality is facing a new day each morning and coming to terms with your circumstances whether they are by choice or because of something that is out of our control.
*Please don't comment about how you know our time will come or how we just need to be patient; I really don't want to hear it right now...



Meka said...

It's bad enough that we have to deal with the pain of being childless but that we have to deal with those dumb comments! I know people mean well usually but they still hurt! People always call us newlyweds because we don't have kids and we've been married longer then some of the people saying that to us! I feel like some people think just because I don't have kids it means I don't know anything about life or trials! Anyway sorry for going on I just know what you mean when it comes to those comments and I am sorry someone said that to you! I think from this trial I have definitely learned that when my friends have trials I don't understand to just validate their pain, just be a friend.

Gail said...

I can't believe someone said that! So frustrating. I can't stand how people act like we have no clue what life is really like with children. When in all reality, we are probably way more prepared to have kids than they ever were. Have you read the R House blog recently? She put an awesome article up a few days ago called Infertility Etiquette. I think you would appreciate it very much.

Elizabeth and Brian said...

What ticks me off a bit about the money is don't they even think about the fact that every dime we give them takes away from what we give the child?

People act like if you are childless you must me rolling in money. We still have to pay our mortgage, taxes, insurance, utilities, car payments, ect. Seriously, adding a baby would at the most increase our spending by $100 a month and that is it. People are idiots and speak with out thinking. Someone said something like that to me and I just said something like, "Yeah, it sure is fun to be able to have sex 3 times a day when ever we want, bet you miss that don't you?" Just remember that with a loan you will get a certain amount of that back on your taxes and will be able to pay it off that way.

Lalena said...

I have lurked for awhile and enjoyed reading your journey and getting to know you through reading. As a fellow woman who has dealt with infertility I understand the desire to have a baby is great and something that only those who have been there can understand. The insensitive of some people is amazing! And the cost is horrendous. I'm curious if you have considered adopting a waiting child or a non-infant? These children are waiting for their forever family to and come with a smaller price tag. Just curious.

FishinFamily said...

Hi! We don't know each other, I just happened to come across your sweet blog. I'm SO incredibly sorry that someone so insensitive said that to you. I hope and pray you find your little one soon. We found ours 4 years ago. I'm sorry for your pain, I've been there and know how awful it can be. In the mean time, I hope you find lots of people who will help 'protect' your heart rather than hurt it. I really do ache for you.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

How do you describe a good friend?

I'm talking about a really good friend who never judges you. Who cries with you when you cry? A friend who tries to hide their joy because they worry it will upset you? I wish I could find the right words because I have some friends that are just amazing. They never question me. They never complain when I start to go off about how unfair my life is. I have never met these people, but because we share something in common we are friends. Every time I feel down they are there at their keyboards typing out words of comfort to lift my spirits.
And I know it works both ways because when I can tell one of them is going through a tough time I try to do the same. Sometimes I don't know exactly what to say and all I may tell them is that I am sorry for what they are going through and I will pray for them. But when they tell me the exact same thing I feel better.
I thank Heaven EVERYDAY for these wonderful friends.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

The Gift of Adoption

The February Ensign has a great article this month about adoption. I was so embarrassed today when someone mentioned it in church. I hadn't even opened my Ensign yet. The LDS church did a wonderful job of putting it together and they made sure to tell about the miracle of adoption from the different parties involved. Click HERE to read the full article.

It starts with the story of a wonderful birth mom who became pregnant at age 16. Her journey toward her choice to place her child was amazing, but as always the case it is also heartbreaking. Here is a little part of her story.
"To say that I cried would be to put it mildly. My heart was full and broken at the same time. How could I feel such peace in a decision that brought so much pain? I later realized that I had brought much heartache and pain into my life and the lives of those intertwined with mine because I had let selfish desires override my long-term goals. But here, I had been given an opportunity to put aside what I wanted most—to keep this child—and to give her something better."
"Giving birth to a beautiful little girl was miraculous. I loved holding her and rocking her. She was so beautiful, and I cried many times her first night on earth. I knew that the next day would bring heartache when it was time to say good-bye.

What made that pain bearable was knowing that placing her for adoption was right. It was the hardest—but most right—thing I have ever done. I signed the papers through sheets of tears and then leaned on family and friends for support. My tears weren’t the only ones shed that day or in the days to come."

They then have a birth father tell his story. You don't hear as much about them, but they are just as incredible as the birth mothers. What an incredible man to realize that this responsibility doesn't always mean having to marry the girl simply out of obligation. It is better for a child to be raised in a family with both a mom and dad that love each other as much as they love their children. In some cases, it is best for the parents to marry. That is their decision to make. But if they realize that they would only be making things worse and instead choose to place their child in a family that it can become a part of eternally, that is true unconditional love. Here is the part of his story that just had me in tears.
"We felt strongly that our child was to go to these parents, a decision we felt confirmed in prayer and again later when Andrea and I met the family.
The day Jenna was born was more incredible and miraculous than we could ever have imagined. We kept her with us the first few days, and when the day came to take Jenna to her new family, we felt we couldn’t do it. Three hours after we were supposed to have been at the LDS Family Services office, we still hadn’t left my parents’ house. I asked my father to give each of us a priesthood blessing. Among the things he blessed us with was the ability to do the right thing.

We finally left for LDS Family Services. Again, we felt a strong Spirit confirming that this was the right thing, yet when Andrea and I stepped out of the office to return home, I felt the saddest I have ever felt. Neither of us said a word as we drove away. We just cried. That was the most difficult day of my life.

The next week—and the next month—were also hard. But Andrea and I kept moving forward as much as we could. Attending group sessions was helpful because parents who had been through what we were going through were there to talk about their experience, to encourage us, and to remind us not to give up hope in the future—for Jenna or for ourselves."

There is more people that are affected by adoption; the grandparents of the child. I can imagine that as a parent this would be heart wrenching. As parents we want to fix everything for our kids, but that's not always possible, especially when they become parents themselves.
"The day our grandson was born was a bittersweet one. What a beautiful baby! It would have been easy to change our minds—after all, children are raised by single mothers and grandparents all of the time. Surely we could do it too. But we knew the Lord’s will, and we knew that it was in this child’s best interest for the adoption to proceed. After spending two days with our daughter and grandson in the hospital, my wife and I watched with tears streaming down our faces as Katie handed her son to the caseworker. She exclaimed, “I can’t believe I just did that!” and ran back to her hospital room to cry. My wife later commented that she had never seen greater love than she did as she watched Katie that day. Adoption, she said, truly is about love."

The last story they tell, is to me, the most important one; the adopted child.
"One of my earliest memories is looking up at my mother after she had tucked me in and asking her if she would tell me a different bedtime story. After all, she had been telling me the same story every night for as long I could remember.
It always started with these words: “Once upon a time, there was a mommy and daddy who wanted very much to have a baby of their own.” It wasn’t a fable or a fairy tale but the story of our family and how I came to be a part of it. Because I had heard the story repeated so often, adoption was never a mysterious or uncomfortable topic. I learned from the beginning that I was meant to be with my family—I had just come a different way."

Now, I must take a moment here to get on my soap box. The story from the adopted child goes on to say that his parents were blessed with another miracle and they were able to produce children of their own after adopting her. I may have become mad at this point and put (threw) the article down. That really only happens to about 3% of infertile couples. I get so tired of hearing so-and-so adopted and then they had children of their own. First off, just having a child through pregnancy does not make them more your own verses adopting them. But the important part to remember is that adopting does not result in pregnancy. Yes, for those FEW that is happens to that is wonderful, but it really doesn't happen as often as the world thinks. That is why I never want to be pregnant. I don't want to be THAT person that is always mentioned to other infertile couples struggling to have children. Adoption is not a choice that is reached easily for most couples, and it usually isn't a QUICK FIX to parenthood. Adoption is the most spiritual thing a person can ever do with their life and should not be taken lightly. We know that we were chosen before coming to earth to adopt and only the most special couples get such a wonderful privilege.
With all that said, I should probably climb back down off the soap box, but if anyone ever suggests that our adopting will help us get pregnant, I may have to punch you. Consider yourself warned.
Oh, and please go read this article, The Gift of Adoption.



Jodi said...

I really enjoy reading your blog...I just have to say though, that I am one of those people that concieved after adopting. And yes, to say the least...we were embarassed about it. But however God chooses to give you children is a miracle. I wouldn't trade my adopted daughter or my two bio daughters for anything! And it is truly wonderful to have experienced and walked both roads. We'll be praying for your journey.

So Barren said...

I read that article too! Thank you so much for your post on the side bar stuff, I learned a lot. You have no idea how much I needed to read your post today. It was just one of those days at church and reading your post made me feel so much better. I too HATE it when people think that adoption leads to pregnancy. It seems like everyone thinks that, it kind of reminds me of the "oh just don't stress and you'll get pregnant" thing everyone thinks. Anyway I just loved what you wrote about adoption and it really made my day a lot better. Thank you!

Elizabeth and Brian said...

I agree with you about the having a baby after adoption. I think it might happen more in the LDS world because young couples freak when theyhave been married 6 months and haven't had a baby yet. They just haven't given it enough time yet or they have subfertility and not infertility. I wish LDSFS still had the rule of infertility for adoption. It would help those with full infertility be able to adopt. It would probably drop the waiting couples list in half at least. I am so sick of having people come up to me and tell me they know JUST how I feel when they have 5, 6, 7 kids. I want to slap them. Oh, well, my vent. If you can get pregnant after one or two rounds of clomid you don't have infertility. They bug me a lot.