Sometimes

 Next time someone tries to question our decision to not pursue adoption anymore, this is what I'm going to tell them.

I really do believe we had to pursue adoption, even thought it wasn't meant to end happily. But because of it we became stronger. Because if it we were able to learn that we can find happiness, even if were never become parents. 

Happiness

I simply LOVE this quote. Several times in just the last few weeks, I feel like people are questioning my judgement because of our decision to live as a family of two. One girl actually cried. While I was touched by her emotions, I was also a little flustered.

Every one seems to think that we can't be happy if we don't have children. No matter what I say, I can't get them to understand that I FINALLY AM HAPPY. I'm finally over the misery and pain. I am ready to be happy. I AM HAPPY.

I have a great job. A great home. Three crazy, yet loving cats. I finally have my own horse. I have wonderful friends who bless my life. I have many fun activities I'm involved in.  Best of all, I am married to the man of my dreams.

Don't tell me I'm not happy. Because your wrong. Being a parent isn't the only way to find happiness. I'm happy because I took a long, hard look at my life and realized, I already have everything I need to be happy.

Hello World

"Well, hello world, how you been?

Good to see you, my old friend

Sometimes I feel as cold as steel

And broken like I'm never going to heal

I see a light, a little grace, a little faith unfurl

Well, hello world"

One of my New Years Resolutions is to try to find more joy in everyday life. Infertility has held me prisoner for too long. I became so caught up in my infertility that I lost everything else about me. Now I slowly feel like I am rediscovering myself. I can't be a mom, but I can still be other things.

I am a wife.

 I am an aunt.

I am a mom to too many cats.

I am a friend.

 I am a crafter.

I am a somewhat good cook.

I am a wanna be amateur photographer. 

I am a over zealous blogger.

I am someone who enjoys good company.

I am someone who enjoys reading.

I am someone who enjoys girls nights.

I am someone who loves learning new things.

I am a child of God.

I think I still have a ways to go before I feel complete and content with the life I have, but I'm enjoying my journey as I look for other ways to enjoy life.

Traffic crawls, cell phone calls

Top video screams at me through my tinted windows I see

A little girl, rust red minivan

She's got chocolate on her face, got little hands

And she waves at me, yeah, she smiles at me

Well, hello world, how you been?

Good to see you, my old friend

Sometimes I feel as cold as steel

Broken like I'm never going to heal

I see a light, a little hole, and a little girl

Well hello world

Every day I drive by a little white church

Its got these little white crosses like angels in the yard

Maybe I should stop in and say a prayer

Maybe talk to God like he is there

Oh, I know He's there, yeah, I know He's there

Well, hello world, how you been?

Good to see you, my old friend

Sometimes I feel as cold as steel

And broken like I'm never going to heal

I see a light, a little grace, a little faith unfurl

Well, hello world

Sometimes I forget what livings for and I hear my life

through my front door

And I'll be there, oh, I'm home again

I see my wife, little boy, little girl

Hello world, hello world

All the empty disappears, I remember why I'm here

Just surrender and believe, I fall down on my knees

Oh, hello world, hello world

Hello world

(Lady Antebellum "Hello world" lyrics found on http://www.songlyrics.com/)

Faith can move mountains

Even though 1 out 6 couples suffer from infertility, it is still a lonely world. It's hard to live in a world when babies continue to enter your life from every direction. It hard to trudge forward with your head held high, when you feel so misunderstood. It's hard to hope on the unknown.

It's just as hard to live as an expectant parent after being approved for adoption. In January 2008 our paperwork was approved and we became a waiting couple. We became expectant parents. We started our own, be it long and drawn out, pregnancy.

I try to not murmur about our trial of infertility. I've tried to remain positive and uplifting to those around me. I've tried to share my excitement, but that's hard to do when there is no end in sight.

Infertility and waiting on adoption is met with lots of advice.

*You just need to relax.

*Be patient, your time will come, it will happen.

*You need to have more faith.

Those three statements are what I dread THE MOST to hear. But they are what I hear the most often. But right now, it's the third one that is troubling me today. "You just need to have more faith."

I'm sorry, I didn't realize that we didn't have faith. Each morning I get up and check our adoption email account, hoping to finally see a message. Seventeen times now, I have opened my email to see that I have a new message. Seventeen times I have thought, "What if its another scam?" But, seventeen times I have clicked on new message hoping against the odds. Seventeen times I have been wrong, but I continue to check this email account on a regular basis. Is that not a sign of my faith?

Each day I watch couples with their children and each day I dare to think, "that will be me someday." Is that not faith? Each night I find myself in deep prayer. Praying for our birth parents; for their health, for their comfort, for their love. Each night I pray that our time will come soon that we will become parents. Is that not faith?

Each day I try to hand out our adoption pass along cards. Sometimes I am met with comments that they won't make a difference. Sometimes I am told it's a waste of my efforts. But I continue to hand them out! I feel that even if our cards don't result in a baby for us, if they help a young women choose adoption, than I am making a difference. Is that not faith?

Sometimes I dare to dream big and I start to talk about those dreams, only to to met by opposition. It comes in many forms, but always it is heartbreaking and I promise myself I will not subject myself to that again. And yet, faith lives on, and down the road I start to try to share those dreams once again.

I know these people mean well, and I know they don't mean to hurt my feelings. I know they say things out of love, I just don't hear it that way.

A week ago I took the biggest leap of faith in regards to our adoption. I told a girl we weren't the parents for her precious baby. Is that not faith? It is so hard to say no. It's hard to think that we could be parents now. But because of my faith, I knew it was what we needed to do. I said no, because I have faith that something better will happen to our family.

I have several friends who are exercising faith while they wait for their families to grow. One friend tried for 18 months to get pregnant. 18 months! I never once would have dreamed of telling her to have more faith. I've had friends struggle to get pregnant and then a few short weeks later have a miscarriage. Would you caution them to have faith? (If you would, than you are not a nice person.)

In our church we are taught that faith CAN move mountains. I've probably heard that a thousand times. And yet, I don't think I've heard that faith WILL move mountains. To me, that is a significant difference. Faith CAN move mountains. If a mountain needs moved, a person can have faith enough to do so. But I don't believe that any faithful person can just move a mountain after having faith to do so. That mountain will move if and when it needs to.

Infertility is our mountain. If my faith alone was enough, then I should have been able to become pregnant. But that was a mountain that didn't need to be moved. It could have, but instead it was a mountain I needed to go over. It's a mountain that needs to stay where it is. My faith could have moved it, but it didn't.

Our adoption wait is our next mountain. I have faith that this mountain can and will be overcome. I also have faith that it will happen on the Lord's timetable, not mine. Even though I continue to pray everyday for our child doesn't mean I lack faith. My prayers are ways of telling my Father that although I am still waiting, I have faith that it can happen. My prayers are said each night so I can feel the peace from my Father in Heaven. My prayers are NOT a lack of faith, rather they are a sign of my faith. If I didn't have faith our adoption would happen, I wouldn't pray for it.

I may get down at times, but I am not broken. Infertility didn't kill me and the adoption wait won't either.

Surrounded by mothers

I had an experience this weekend, and even though I'm still not sure what to think of it, I wanted to write it down.

I struggled off and on for the last few weeks about still being childless. Some days the waiting just seems to be too much and I want to give up. I was on the mountain waiting for Josh to call me back and in the quite of my car, I once again found myself pouring out my heart and soul to my Heavenly Father.

"Why must we wait so long?"

"What am I supposed to be learning from this?"

"Will we be parents soon?"

"Why can't I just be a mother already?"

In the midst of all my questions, I looked up at the road. A deer was crossing the road. Halfway across she looked back to watch her fawn cross with her. When she reached the other side of the road, she stopped again to make sure the fawn was still with her.

I don't believe this was coincidence. I believe that I needed to be reminded that motherhood happens in nature. Once again, I was able to find the peace that I go looking for so often.

Alma 17: 2-3

I'm really trying today to remember that I am grateful for my infertility. I KNOW that we are supposed to adopt. It is something that is burned in my heart and soul. And yet, sometimes I still feel like I am missing out because I can't get pregnant.

While looking for an article for my Finding Faith Friday I came across Alma 17. I am getting better at relating to the scriptures.

Alma 17:2-3
" 2 Now these sons of Mosiah were with Alma at the time the angel first appeared unto him; therefore Alma did rejoice exceedingly to see his brethren; and what added more to his joy, they were still his brethren in the Lord; yea, and they had waxed strong in the knowledge of the truth; for they were men of a sound understanding and they had searched the scriptures diligently, that they might know the word of God.

3 But this is not all; they had given themselves to much prayer, and fasting; therefore they had the spirit of prophecy, and the spirit of revelation, and when they taught, they taught with power and authority of God."

I don't want to quote the scriptures incorrectly, but when I read the above scriptures I felt, in my heart, a few things.

1. Alma rejoiced to see his brethren because they shared something in common. A few weeks ago I was rejoicing because I finally got to meet several of the people from the 2ofus4now.org group. It was so rewarding to be surrounded by so many that had gone through the struggle of infertility. Some have been able to finally have the family of their dreams through adoption, and some are still waiting for that miracle. But I was happy for every one of them because we understand each other, we've all had to live with the pain of infertility.

2. Alma and his brethern searched the scriptures. When we were approved to adopt I couldn't get enough information. I wanted to know EVERYTHING about adoption. I have learned a lot, but there is still so much more for me to learn.

3. I have spent countless hours on my knees in prayer with my Heavenly Father asking Him to help me accept his will. Because of that I have come to know that we need to adopt and over time it has made the pain of infertility lessen. Both Josh and I believe that we were preordained in Heaven to adopt. Of course, we can't remember that, but because of all my prayers I have come to believe that to be true. Our Heavenly Father HAD a plan for our family. OUR Family is going to be amazing, but first we must come to terms with our suffering, learn to accept His will and His timetable.

4. When Alma and his brethern taught, they TAUGHT with power. They were passionate about the word of God. I feel the same about adoption. It is my passion. I love telling people about how it has changed, how it has touched so many lives, how it will bless our family. If I run out of time to talk, I give them my email and tell them to contact me so I can tell them more.

I still have my days when I struggle with infertility. Some days I can quickly move on. Other days I almost have to relive the pain for a little while. I don't know why. But usually at the end of my revisited grief I can remember just how blessed I am.

One Lovely Blog

When I first started this blog, it was private. It was my place to go vent when I felt like the world was unfair because I was infertile. Slowly I started to invite a few people to view it; my only requirement? They were infertile like me. But then I decided that I didn't need to hide my feelings about infertility so I opened this blog up. The results?

I won an award!! Thank you Brenda for this award. I am honored (and surprised, but still mostly honored). Brenda runs a couple blogs that are awesome. She talks openly about infertility on I AM where she wrote an awesome letter to fertile woman. She also has a family blog and my favorite part is Matching Monday. It is the first place I go every Monday morning. Thank you Brenda for your work in helping these children find homes. Thanks to you I have taken a step off the cliff and inquired about a waiting sibling group. (Which we were told to wait until the END of July for a response!)

Getting back to the award...

Here are the rules:

1. Put the award on your blog.

2. Include a link to the person who gave you the award.

3. Nominate 6 or more blogs

4. Leave a message on their blog letting them know they have an award on your blog.

1. My very favorite infertility blog is In Pursuit of Parenthood. She writes everything I wish I could say in such a beautiful, thought provoking way. I would highlight just one post of hers, but I love all of them.

2. When I need a good laugh, I always go to 3 Cute Kids. Here kids crack me up! My favorite post is You can choose. This has become a running joke at our house! We are always using it against each other telling them to choose something.

3. I have always dreamed of having twins and looking at all the pictures of these two little girls at Trent & Carlie and Co. I want a set of twins of my own. Even if you don't have twins, be sure to check out her Twin Tips because they could apply to anyone with a baby.

4. Sometimes I actually feel blessed about our infertility (got to love that male infertility can be a final answer to your medical woes), especially when I watch friends take on the evil pill known as Clomid. I am so glad I never had to try that. What a wrecky hormone pill! But my friend, Ashley, at Feigning Fertility is trying to conceive with that pill.

5. When we decided to adopt, I was delighted to learn that I had a cousin who was adopting too. I love talking with her about our struggles and I secretly hope that heaven smiles down on us and we adopt at the same time so our children can be friends. I also wish I could decorate as beautifully as she does.

6. Failed adoptions are heartbreaking. In just one week I knew of three different couples who had one happen to them. An Eternal Family in Progress was one of them. They are currently holding a contest that will help them spread the word that they are trying to adopt.

7. The star of Kiara's Corner is of course Kiara. What a doll! She is cute and funny. Check out some of her silliness at Kiara-isms.

8. When we first decided to adopt, open adoption terrified us. But then we started to meet people and learn what a wonderful thing it really is. Dustin, Andrea & Avery have a great open adoption with their birth mom Andee. I can only hope and pray that someday we can have that kind of relationship too.

9. I follow several crafty blogs, but one of my favorites is Inky Smiles. She is amazing at scrap booking. Someday I will get brave enough to actually try some of the things she does like Quilling & Butterflies.

10. I can't forget my other favorite blog. (Her kids have me rolling on the floor in laughter!) Mommy Musings: Notes from the Trenches, may look like she has her hands full, but with kids like hers there is never a dull moment. One of my personal favorites, the gum letter.

Coming soon...

I have decided to start posting things I find inspiring on this blog on Friday's. I want to highlight articles and videos that inspire me to move forward with faith. For the most part I will highlight articles from lds.org, but I will also be looking for articles on infertility and how to cope with it. If you find an article you want featured, please email me at sourbonk@yahoo.com

All I can say is....WOW

I had an amazing experience today where I know that God's hand is in my life and it happened....at the dentist office.

Let me go back to the first of the year to really show how amazing this all is. At the beginning of the year the dentist I was using quit accepting our insurance. I was totally bummed over this, because I really liked this dentist. So bummed that I bought off find a new dentist for almost 6 months.

Then last week I noticed that my teeth didn't feel as clean and I decided to get an appointment for a cleaning. I asked around at work and found a new dentist. This Monday, I called to get an appointment, knowing it would be several weeks out because dentists are just busy like that and I wouldn't be a priority since I didn't have a tooth ache. Plus, I only want to go on Friday's which narrows my chances.

Guess what...they had a cancellation for THIS FRIDAY. I have never been able to get a cleaning the same week that I called for the appointment. EVER.

After some pictures, poking, cleaning, I was informed I needed to have some work done and his insurance specialist would help me out with the costs and some appointments. After we were all finished I decided to hand her one of our pass along cards (that's what their for). I still feel awkward when I give these out, but I am getting better. I just let them know that we are looking to adopt and if they know of any one please give them our information or if you feel inspired to give it to someone for the same reason, please pass it on.

Today I gave her our card and got as far as, "We are trying to adopt." She exclaimed that they just started to look into it for themselves. We spent another 15 minutes visiting about adoption. Adoption is so close to my heart that I could talk about it forever. They are going through a different agency, but I've invited her to join our local FSA and I hope we can become great friends there.

I don't like going to the dentist, but I know I was supposed to be there today.

Hello old friend...

Infertility has been kicking me around again and this time I am having a hard time pulling out of it. I'm spent a few days trying for find some encouragement. This what I have found so far.

Patricia Irwin Johnson: "As with any wound, it heals with a scar which can be reopened at an unexpected time. Infertility's scars remain on the soul long after the wounds have healed.

Silber & Dorner: “Infertility is grief experience, although traditionally it has not been viewed as such. Infertility is a loss–it is a loss of the imaginary child (the child the couple imagines would have been born to them). They will go through all the normal stages of grieving for this loss, just as if they had lost a child through death. However, society does not relate to or understand the loss of infertility because it is invisible.”

Barbara Eck Manning: "My infertility resides in my heart as an old friend. I do not hear from it for weeks at a time, and then, a moment, a thought, a baby announcement or some such thing, and I will feel the tug - maybe even be sad or shed a few tears. And I think, 'There's my old friend.' It will always be a part of me."Al Berk & J. Shapiro:“Grief is...a natural reaction to the feelings of helplessness when a couple realizes that pregnancy will never occur. This grief over the loss of life’s goals–the pregnancy experience and having children–is particularly difficult because our society does not recognize such a loss with rituals or other processes that could allow the couple to work through the time of grief.”

One friend sent me a great quote by Sister Julie Beck, "I know of many couples who desire to have children and aren’t given that blessing. Their challenge is the challenge of not having children, and we need to be listening and supportive and encouraging toward them. And I also believe that the desire to have children in the single sisters and in these couples probably won’t go away if they’re righteous, because that is a God-given desire. It speaks to their very natures and the training they received in the heavens. So that longing will not go away. But the Lord will bless them."

Elder Oaks even goes on to add, "And that longing will weigh in the final judgment. One of the most comforting passages in all of scripture for me is in the 137th section of the Doctrine and Covenants, verse 9, where we’re told that the Lord will judge us according to our works and according to the desires of our hearts."

Is it over?

Mother's Day is probably my LEAST favorite day of the year. With other holiday's, like Christmas and Easter, it is almost possible to skip over the fact that we don't have children, we just try to keep it very low key. But you can't do that for Mother's Day. It's impossible to wake up on that sunny Sunday morning and not think about it. It's Mother's Day... and I'm not a mother.

I fought with myself all week last week. Infertility was kicking my butt. But what can I do about that? I sluffed church yesterday. I almost had a valid excuse, but it fell through at the last moment and I could have went, but I didn't.

Because on the Mother's Day there is always the awkward moment..."Will all of the mothers please stand up and accept their flower?" For years I have ducked down low or left early so I wouldn't feel like I stuck out, but yesterday I didn't want to deal with it so instead I slept in. I know, not cool, but I was looking out for me.

Over the past few weeks I have struggled with something. It didn't quite feel right, but I couldn't stand not doing something to help lead us into parenthood. I even went as far as to make an appointment to look into it. I don't know if it would have been cheaper than adopting and I don't know if it would have been easier than adopting. But it might have increased our odds. All I could think was, maybe it will finally bless us with a child. But it just didn't feel right. Even when I tried to convince myself it would work and we would be parents, I still didn't want to go through with it.

So I told Josh it was up to him. And he drug his feet too. On Thursday night we were getting down to crunch time and I couldn't put it off much longer. Do we do this or not? I did the only thing I knew I could do, I prayed. I prayed harder than I have in a while. And then I listened. And then I knew. We need to adopt. I told Josh I wanted to cancel the appointment and he agreed. The relief I felt was incredible. I still don't have the answer as to when we will finally be parents, but I do know that we need to do it through adoption, and for a few moments that was all I needed.

Yesterday day was a tough day. Someone mentioned that so much has changed over the last 2 years. Really? The only change I can see is that we have a new truck and a dog. I feel like nothing has changed at all. I'm still on the edge waiting for something to happen.

I should pause and look at the positive things. Saturday night I got a very special email from a friend. Savannah , Happy Mothers Day, you are still a mother to all the children in the ward and to the world because of your mission on earth as a woman , you just love them and teach them and most of all set a good example for them. God loves you Savannah. Thank you for that. Then my wonderful loving husband made a great post while I was locked in the bathroom taking a relaxing bath. He really is something special and I am glad I get to share this trial with him.

I've mentioned before that I would love to have a child before the family missionaries start coming home. (I think both Dallon and my grandparents will come home about the same time in October.) That is 6 months away. As I was thinking about that last night I realized that if that happens, then our child could already be on the way and I was sad. If that is true, it means that yesterday our birth mom was a more active part of Mother's Day than we were. Has she already decided on adoption? If so, it must have been a hard day for her. I can't imagine the pain she is going through. She loves that life inside her so much. How will she be able to let go and give that child the life she wants it to have? I can only imagine that she will be able to do it because of her motherly love.

-------------

3 comments:

Meka said...

Infertility makes you feel like you are standing still, while everyone is racing past you, living life. At least for me thats is how I felt ARRGG! That is awesome you had that conformation "You need to adopt"! Hold on to that! Mothers day just sucks, I completely ditched church all together on mothers day before Eden. Ya thats how strong I am ha! Anyway, I was wondering if you had a button that you've made that says hoping to adopt or is there something you would like me to add to my blog for you guys? Maybe just the link to your adoption blog?

May 11, 2009 10:01 PM

mandamike said...

I hope, wish, pray that you will become a mother soon. It is SO HARD waiting for someone else to give you the gift of motherhood. Just know that you have friends that are here for you and have been in your shoes.
Love,
Amanda

May 12, 2009 9:48 AM

Desi said...

What a beautiful and thoughtful email you got from your friend! Kind people like that really make a difference. We skipped church. Not to miss mother's day (which I usally try to do too) but because I hadn't seen my husband in two weeks and I was being selfish about needing "us" time.

I'm so excited that you have gotten answers to your prayers and know what you need to do! That is a huge hurtle passed. Unfortionatly, it leads to more waiting. But you have so many people praying for you! I love your blog and that I feel like I have a friend who knows what I'm going through!

May 15, 2009 11:03 AM

Malachi 3:3

A friend sent me this email today. It is just what I needed to hear.

Malachi 3:3 says:
"He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.
One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible study.
That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining Silver.
As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all impurities.
The women thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: 'He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.' She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time.
The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.
The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, 'How do you know when the silver is fully refined?'
He smiled at her and answered,
'Oh, that's easy...when I see my image in it.'

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

Touch of Faith

I have been looking for this picture for a few weeks now. A local store had a sale this weekend (40% off everything), so I went in and was determined to not leave without this picture. (I also bought some new books!)

Touch of Faith depicts a woman reaching through the crowd to touch the hem of Christ's garment. The story is told in Mark 5:25-34."And a certain woman, which had an issue of blood twelve years,
And had suffered many things of many physicians, and had spent all that she had, and was nothing bettered, but rather grew worse.
When she had heard of Jesus, came in the press behind, and touched his garment.
For she said, If I may touch but his clothes, I shall be whole.
And straightway the fountain of her blood was dried up; and she felt in her body that she was healed of that plague.
And Jesus, immediately knowing in himself that virtue had gone out of him, turned him about in the press, and said, Who touched my clothes?
And his disciples said unto him, Thous seest the multitude thronging thee, and sayest thou, Who touched me?
And he looked round about to see her that had done this thing.
But the woman fearing and trembling, knowing what was done in her, came and fell down before him, and told him all the truth.
And he said unto her, Daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace, and be whole of they plague."

I used to think that I had that kind of faith. When we first started the fertility pills I just knew that if I could touch my Savior I would be healed and would be able to become a mother. I contemplated stocking church headquarters in hopes of catching a glimpse of our Prophet, knowing he too could give me the healing I thought my body needed.

I know now that wasn't meant to be. It doesn't make my faith any less, I've just had to refocus it elsewhere. I know that my Savior could heal us and make us parents, but He must be able to see something that I can't see and He knows when the time will be right for us to get a baby, for us to have a chance at being parents. While I was digging through my scriptures looking for this story I stumbled on a thought I wrote in there who knows how many years ago...

"Faith keeps us trying when otherwise we might give up."

At times I do want to give up. The waiting and uncertainty are so hard to deal with sometimes. Everyday I see people and I know I could be better parents than them. I would buckle my child up in the car, I would realize that if I am cold and need a coat than maybe they are cold too and I would not only put a coat on them but also their socks and shoes. I would make sure that they knew they were loved.

I get so restless thinking that maybe today our birth mother will find us. Maybe someday I will be a mother. Everyone in the adoption world talks about how it will happen when it's supposed to happen, but it's hard to wait on the unknown. I know someday my joy will be complete, but what am I supposed to do until then?