Thursday, November 20, 2014

Dear Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
I would like the chance to address your comment that you left. I'd like to say it gave me something to think about, but mostly it just made me want to share some thoughts of my own.

You said:

Listen, why don't you just adopt. It'll be infinitely rewarding. A human soul is a human soul, it needs nurture, love and support. If you give that to him, he will be your child. Any child you would've given birth to would also have been an individual, maybe nothing like you or your husband. Similarities in genetics or physical appearance eventually only brings you so much joy. What brings joy is seeing a child laugh because of something you did, seeing them do kind things, seeing them grow into the best version of themselves. Because of you. You have nephews, you know this. So go ahead and try and adopt, what's stopping you. There are so many children out there, so so many, that need loving homes and human influences in their lives. You can do that for them. Stop moping and go for it!

Is this your first visit to this blog? If so, can I recommend you read a few posts on this blog and my other blog?
Nobody Told Me

 (Just to point out a few, basically the start and the end. But that are some many posts about our adoption journey over the years.On both blogs.)

Also, you can just look at my sidebar on this blog to get a brief history of our journey.

My next question is, have you adopted your self? Or are all of your children conceived biologically?
Its really hard to answer your question without know that part.

If you have adopted, then you know what a hard, long, expensive, emotional journey it can be. In that case, I'm not sure if its passion that drives you to suggest we adopt or what your motive is. But I would think if you had adopted before you would be more understanding of my own decision.

If you haven't adopted, can I ask why? If you are so concerned for the orphans of the world, don't push them off on childless couples in hopes to ease your conscience. Go and adopt them yourself.  Then maybe you can learn what a hard, long, expensive, emotional journey it can be.

But really, I'm going to guess that you haven't adopted before, because one of the things infertile couples HATE to hear is "why don't you just adopt?" Its not like I sign my name on a dotted line and 9 months late I have a baby. If only it were that easy. (Again, I refer you to notice in my side bar we tried to adopt for years.)

I have stewed over your comment all day. I'll tell you now, I over think EVERYTHING.

My many thoughts today have included:

* "Hello, can't you see that we did try?"  To which you would refute, "You're just worried of getting hurt again."

On one hand, yes, I am terrified to put my heart on the line again. After being unchosen, I sunk pretty low. Not quite suicidal, but on the verge. So yes, to try again and have it fall through again, well, I'm honestly not sure I can do that again.

But I have found peace with what we went thru. That little baby did end up in a loving home. Maybe she would have all along. But maybe, because we were a part of C's life, we were able to help her decide on what she wanted to do.

*I could argue that money is an issue, but honestly, its not anymore. Because we are now older, we are now wiser with our money. We have established careers and have a better income. And if it still wasn't enough, we have offers to help us reach the goal of adoption.

But its not just about money. My heart just isn't into it anymore. I'm still an advocate of adoption. I wish more young mother's would consider it. I wish it was an easier avenue for childless couples to pursue. I wish the world had a better understanding of adoption. Not just the versions they see in the movies, or bad cases portrayed in the news. Most people who adopt, don't magically get pregnant a year later. Most adoptions go thru with out an ugly court case. But those are the things you don't see.

* You mentioned I know all about loving a child because I have nephews. Damn right I do. I love those little boys something fierce. I dare to say that their momma's love them most, followed by their grandma's. Right on those heals is their aunt Savannah.

They have healed the hole in my heart. Because of them, I was able to let go of the dream of becoming a mother.

* Do I mope from time to time? Of course I do. Does a parent who had a child die before them still mourn them years later? Or a family that looses their home to a fire? Or a person who lost a limb to an accident or cancer? Mourning comes in all forms for many reasons. It is a part of human nature. I believe a person can move on with life, but it still okay to grieve for what might have been or what was. I believe the grief cycle becomes less intense, but it never ends.

So yes, I still have my sad moments from time to time. But they aren't near as painful as they used to be. I acknowledge how I am feeling and then I move on. Those moments are pretty rare. I don't think 5 minutes of sadness means I need to jump back into the adoption world.

I may still be young enough to be a mother, but my heart isn't into it anymore. I'm sure you'll call it selfish, but I am at peace with my life.

However, if you feel so passionately about adopting, I throw your advice back to you.