I've been having a hard time lately. I have come to accept the fact that I will never be pregnant and I can live with that. But I realized last week that I will probably never get to hear my child's heartbeat through an ultra sound and that made me sad. There are some couples whose birth mom involve them in doctor appointments and sometimes the actual birth, but sometimes they don't. I realize that more than anything I want to be a parent and this is probably not a big deal, but I feel like I am mourning all over again.
Plus my dreams have started back up again where I dream about getting "the phone call." You know the one, "You're parents. Come pick up your baby." Yesterday in church I just had a sudden urge to get home because I was sure there would be a message on our phone. I didn't think church would EVER end. But it was only my heart playing tricks on me, no one ever leaves us a message.
It is really hard. You sometimes think you are doing well then all of a sudden it hits you and it hurts. You go through those feeling all over again when you thought you were dealing with it. It happens. I know then I am like I am going to be positive and think the best that they are going to call today or by the end of the week so you keep positive and then when it doesn't happen it is heart breaking and you don't know how to stay positive when tha happens. I know I always ask Tim what did we do to deserve this and I know truly it isn't what someone did or anyone's fault but that this is life and life sometimes is not fair and I know everyone says one day it will be your day but it feels like forever away but it has to happen. I can't see how it can't. Go through the grieving then keep your head up and keep doing what you are doing. :)
ReplyDeleteOh i'm so sorry I just want you guys to be parents so bad, I want that pain to go away!! I will most likely never be pregnant and I really mourned that for a long time. I'm okay with it now except the hard thing about adoption is your are just waiting around, you never know when you will become parents! People that can get pregnant just say "hey lets have a kid" and 9 months later they get one (well most of my friends seem to have it that way anyway!) I hate not having control over it and just not knowing when!
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