tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25234665030208557452024-03-13T14:16:02.041-06:00Because I Can't Have BabiesSavannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17584445611402346917noreply@blogger.comBlogger178125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2523466503020855745.post-90735015488154745822016-05-17T17:18:00.001-06:002016-05-17T17:18:25.460-06:00My UterusI've grown some pretty tough skin the last few years. I try to politely point out that we: 1) have no children and 2) can't have children. And if they push the issue, 3) because we have no sperm and 4) yes, we tried the adoption route.<br />
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But I had a new one hit me in the gut today. Recently, I've started to wonder if I am starting to get premenopausal. Getting my doctor to agree has been another issue. But when I told him my night sweats are unbearable and I am no longer sleeping at night, he finally agreed to do some testing.<br />
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One of those including an ultrasound....<br />
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I tried to keep the humor today. My husband works at the hospital, in their construction department. When I arrived for my appointment today, his crew saw me go into the Woman's Center. As I walked by them, I said, "don't worry, I'm not pregnant."<br />
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The nurse asked how many kids I have, and I said none. Again, I was okay.<br />
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But then, out of the blue, I learned a fun new fact about my body.<br />
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My uterus is tilted.<br />
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I tried to keep a smile on my face, but I guess it was bad enough that the tech couldn't get a clear shot, so she went and got another tech to assist her. Again, I had to go through the "no, I've never had a baby before" routine, but it was harder that time. It was like she was surprised I didn't know my uterus was tilted.<br />
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Well, what do you expect? This is the first time I've seen my uterus on the screen!<br />
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Okay, I didn't really say that, but I thought it.<br />
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After that, there wasn't anything to do but stare at the screen of my uterus of nothingness. Because she was right in her assumptions. What 30+ old woman doesn't know that about her own body? It was just sad to stare at the screen and realize I'll never see a baby grow inside my belly.<br />
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I also had to do blood work to check my thyroid and other hormonal levels. I won't get the results back until next week. I've actually had my symptoms reduce a bit (I bought a lighter set of bed sheets), but I still know that my hormones are out of whack and I'm hoping the doctor will find something. <br />
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Its times like these that I find great strength in Jesus. I've had many moments where He has spoken to my heart and I know that everything is in His hands and going exactly according to His plans. When it starts to get hard, I give my pain to Him and let Him take care of it for me.<br />
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<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/85731/sourbonk/d804419212c7658d0ce99e9d0826c199.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0;" /></a>Savannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17584445611402346917noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2523466503020855745.post-40464757272119610122015-06-22T17:08:00.003-06:002015-06-22T17:09:02.626-06:00#MicroblogMonday: Aunt's IntuitionYesterday, we celebrated Valex's 5th Birthday. First off, who gave him permission to keep growing?! I love each new stage, but I was looking through old pictures and I miss those boys being little babies.<br />
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Of course, I took my role as aunt seriously and spoiled him rotten. I seem to have developed two seperate birthday budgets. The first one is the presents I buy and wrap for them. I think I gave him 2 outfits and 5 shirts. Including a Superman Shirt with a cape. <br />
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The 2nd budget is the the toys that go on the cake. <br />
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Last night, my sister told me the Superman shirt was his favorite present and he couldn't wait to wear it to school (aka, daycare) today. She went on to say that I always find the coolest gifts. I told her it was my "aunt's intuition."</div>
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I had planned to get Daxsen a matching cape with shirt for his birthday in August. But last night, I felt bad that he had to wait so long. So this morning, I decided to just order it now. When its his birthday, I'll get them both a Batman shirt with cape. Call it my "aunt's guilt."</div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">You can find more of this weeks #MicroblogMondays posts <a href="http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2015/06/microblogmondays-43-public-pet-peeves/">HERE</a>.</span></span><br />
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Last week, I had a friend leave her abusive husband. I have spent months praying for her safety. When she came home, I was overwhelmed with joy. I dove in head first and did what ever I could to help her out. Miracles pour out and things started to fall into place. (You can read more about that <a href="http://countlesstomorrows.blogspot.com/2015/06/god-is-great.html">HERE</a>.)<br />
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Not once, did I question the what if? I'm not even going to spell it out here, because that thought NEVER crossed my mind. I refuse to believe the worst when something amazing is happening.<br />
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So when others started to question it, I became angry. I wanted to tell them, that was none of their business. If they couldn't be happy, they could take their attitude some where else, because I wanted no part of it. I was mad because I wanted these people to be happy for her. I wanted them to surround her in love so she wouldn't question her own decision.<br />
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But I was also mad because it stirred up old feelings. When we were chosen, very few people responded in a happy "congratulations." Instead, we were bombarded with "what if she changed her mind?"<br />
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I was so hurt that people couldn't just be happy for me, not even for a minute. But that was one of those moments when you learn your true friends. Those who were genuinely happy for us, were also the ones that were there for us later to help us pick up the pieces. Those were the ones who called and cried with me. Those are the ones that helped me realize I needed counseling.<br />
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Why is it people get to choose when they think its okay to be positive about a situation or when they can be negative about a situation? Why can't people dive in with pure joy and never question the what if's? Why would they try to tear down a good situation with their negativity?<br />
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I would never question a pregnant woman, "What if you miscarry?" Or a cancer patient, "What if you die?" So how are these situations different that they would warrant negativity instead of happiness? <br />
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I do realize that this all boils down to a person and their individual attitude towards life and there really isn't anything I can do about it except to try and educate people. But like I said, I am bitter right now and just need to vent. I'm worried that if another person tells me "I told you so," I might punch them.<br />
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Again, I am learning my true friends. Those who cried tears of joy with me last week are holding me as I cry tear of sorrow this week. <br />
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Also, I'd like to ask a favor. Please pay for my friend. Pray that God will keep her and her child safe. Pray that she will find the strength to put her and her child first and be able to cut herself off from a bad situation. Please pray for her family that they can find peace and comfort right now. Please pray for her husband. I won't lie, he's not on my list of favorite people. But, even now, God has reminded that HE is in control. God loves even him. So pray that God can soften his heart and change him. Jesus didn't come to save the sinless, he came to save the sinner. <br />
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I remember the last announcement I realized, before it was made. Again, there weren't any clues, but I just KNEW. <br />
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It made me wonder if, as an infertile, your pregnancy detection monitor becomes better fine tuned. Maybe its because we want to become pregnant so badly, that we start to notice those little signs in others. Maybe its because those announcements can be so hard on us, that we tune in early, so we can better prepare, emotionally and mentally, for the big announcement.<br />
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Today, the official announcement was made. I was right.<br />
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">You can find more of this weeks #MicroblogMondays posts <a href="http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2015/06/microblogmondays-41-walking-away-from-a-project/" style="text-decoration: none;">HERE</a>.</span></span><img border="0" src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/85731/sourbonk/d804419212c7658d0ce99e9d0826c199.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" />Savannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17584445611402346917noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2523466503020855745.post-22644920739487012382015-05-25T20:22:00.001-06:002015-05-26T07:21:44.363-06:00#MicroblogMonday: What to say?<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
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Some days, I stare at the screen and wonder what I should write. I have dozens of unfinished posts in draft because I can't get them to come out the right way. Others, sit on a private journal because they feel to raw to share.</div>
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But then I remember how lost I felt during our infertility struggle. How I just wanted to find people who understood my pain. I cry when I think of those who are still in the dark days of infertility. Please know you aren't alone. Some of your journeys will end with a baby. Others, will not. But hopefully, you will all find peace.</div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">You can find more of this weeks #MicroblogMondays posts <a href="http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2015/05/microblogmondays-39-too-easy/" style="text-decoration: none;">HERE</a>.</span><br />
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Savannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17584445611402346917noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2523466503020855745.post-85271065125946200692015-05-18T16:49:00.001-06:002015-05-18T16:51:53.704-06:00#MicroblogMonday: Turmoil & GriefOver the last few months, my heart has been in turmoil. Its as if all of my infertility issues have come back to haunt me. My heart has been in constant turmoil for weeks now.<br />
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I'd go back and forth. "Maybe we should try again?" "But we're happy" "I just started school." At the end of the day, the logical part of my brain would say no. But then, a day or two later, I'd find myself in tears once again.<br />
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A few weeks ago, we had a guest speaker at church. Something she said really stuck with me. She was talking about how after she found Christ, she was overcome with grief about her marriage, which had ended several years previously. (I think she said 12 years, but I can't remember for sure.) She told us how, once she found Christ, it was like she could suddenly grieve her marriage.<br />
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That was just what I needed to hear.<br />
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By the time we had decided to pull our adoption profile, we didn't go to church much. And even when we did go, our hearts weren't into it. That's not to say I didn't pray about closing our profile, because I did. We had been talking about it for months and it just reached the point where it was time to decide one way or the other. In the end, we felt ok about closing our profile and moving on.<br />
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After listening to this lady, I realized, I don't think I ever fully grieved my infertility in full. We grieved when we realized we couldn't conceive on our own, but we moved on to adoption. At that point, I still believed I would be a mother someday. After we were unchosen, we grieved, but it was over the loss of the baby girl.<br />
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I don't think I've ever fully acknowledged my infertility as a whole. At each stage, there was still some hope. Then, when we were unchosen, I was too deep into the grief of that loss, that I couldn't acknowledge the loss of my dream of motherhood as a whole.<br />
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Since realizing this, I have done much better. I still have days where it gets to me, but its seems manageable now. I think I have a better understanding of what my heart is going through and I can hopefully find peace again.<br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">You can find more of this weeks #MicroblogMondays posts <a href="http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2015/05/microblogmondays-38-stealing-happiness/">HERE</a>.</span><br />
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Can I just say, I think yesterday was the most peaceful Mother's Day I've ever had? As the weekend started, I kept expecting to get anxious, but I never did.<br />
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I think several factors helped.<br />
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1) We always turn that day into a celebration of the other spouse. So its not Mother's Day, but Savannah's Day. In June, we will have Josh's Day. We buy each other a gift and then that person gets to decide what they want to do that day. This year, Josh gave me some charms for my Pandora bracelet and a new necklace. Then he picked out two cards. A sappy romantic one from him, and then a cute humorous one from him and the fur-babies, which included an iTunes gift card from the fur-babies.<br />
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2) Maybe I'm selfish, but I find it hard to celebrate Mother's on that day. I was talking with a friend this weekend, and told her, "I love my mom every day. But when it comes to Mother's Day, I have a hard time focusing on that love because I'm too caught up in my own grief of what never was." That day always makes it harder on me. So I choose to avoid mother's on that day. Its nothing against them, I just am usually in such a horrid state of mind that I can't be around others.<br />
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3) Church was amazing this year. Its probably been 8 years since I've been to church on that dreaded day. I just couldn't handle it. But over the past few months, I've developed a much deeper relationship with God. I always considered myself a religious person, but I'm not starting to realize, I was never a spiritual person. I've had some amazing changes take place in my heart and soul. I have a deeper love for my Savior than ever before. I think that is one of the biggest reasons this year was so much easier. Our pastor did a beautiful job of acknowledging mothers in all walks of life. <br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">You can find more of this weeks #MicroblogMondays posts <a href="http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2015/05/microblogmondays-37-whats-in-a-name/">HERE</a>.</span><br />
<img border="0" src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/85731/sourbonk/d804419212c7658d0ce99e9d0826c199.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" />Savannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17584445611402346917noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2523466503020855745.post-38475310207677867802015-05-06T07:45:00.003-06:002015-05-06T07:45:58.359-06:00Weirdest Advice EverOver the years, I have received a lot of advice on how to get pregnant. But yesterday, I think I received the most strange advice ever.<br />
<br />
I was helping some customers in my office. While I was doing entering stuff into the computer, they noticed the pictures of my nephews. He asked, "Is that your baby?" I told him no, it was my nephew. This is the conversation that followed. <br />
<br />
Him: "Which one is your baby?"<br />
<br />
Me: "None of them. I have 5 nephews."<br />
<br />
Him: "You don't have any babies! Are you married?"<br />
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Me: "Yes, I've been married 14 years."<br />
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Him: "14 years and no baby! You need to eat horse meat."<br />
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Me: (stammering for a response) "Uh, well, I eat elk meat."<br />
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Him: "No, you eat horse meat, you have baby."<br />
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Add that to the list of weirdest conversations ever. <br />
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This year, we aren't going anywhere. Josh asked me where I wanted to go this year, but I looked at the calendar and already had plans for the day before. We talked about leaving that night, but I decided I'm okay to try staying home this year. <br />
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Its been nice to escape every year. Mother's Day is one of the hardest days for me. Years ago, we decided to make it a special day for me and Father's Day a special day for him. But even then, it still stung a little bit.<br />
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I've also decided to go to church that day. I've been so much happier with this congregation that I think I'll be okay. They all are such sweet spirits so I don't think it will be as overwhelming and unbearable as it was in the past. Just another reason I'm so happy I found this church. But more importantly, because of them and their example, I've been able to develop a much better relationship with Christ. <br />
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If all else fails, I know I'll still be getting a gift that day from my wonderful husband. I picked out a few charms for my Pandora bracelet and a new necklace. I've also dropped hints that flowers would be nice too.<br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">You can find more of this weeks #MicroblogMondays posts <a href="http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2015/05/microblogmondays-35-doppelganger/">HERE</a>.</span><br />
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Each year, it was hard to honor my own mother and mother in-law because the pain was too much. Because not only was it Mother's Day, but also seemed to be a day to honor grandparents also. So not only was I reminded I wasn't a mother, but also that because of me, they weren't grandmother's. (Realistically, I knew that wasn't my fault. But as the oldest child of each family, I had put that extra pressure on myself.)<br />
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With all of that being said, this post may come as a shock to most. But I'm noticing a growing trend, fertility shaming. Maybe this is only my opinion, but I feel like I must speak out.<br />
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Maybe its because I'm in such a healthy place now. But I don't remember ever being so hateful to motherhood in general. I would find myself trying to justify some mother's over others and I would baffled at how some could be mother's when I couldn't. But I never felt like I was at war with all mothers in general.<br />
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I noticed this trend slowly. Someone would post a meme about being a grandmother. Or about how the greatest gems around a neck were those of your child. (You know the ones that make you think, blah, blah, blah. Big deal) Sure, it would sting a little bit, but I would just scroll by. And I don't think I ever saw a person attacked publicly over it. But I've seen rants on private groups and they make me sad. <br />
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But now that Mother's Day is approaching, I feel like the haters are coming out. I almost feel like they want the day cancelled in honor of their grief. I no longer hate Mother's Day, but still have very mixed feelings over it. I wish there was a way it could be a day to honor mom's, and yet those in the infertile community could have no idea it was that day and therefore it would be just another day to them. But I know that's not even possible in our over commercialized world we live in. <br />
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At first, I just tried to ignore this fertility shaming. I remember the pain. It feels like it will never end. But yesterday, I found myself trying to leave a comment on a blog post a mother had written. It was your basic, "the house is filthy; its mac n cheese for dinner. But I wouldn't change it for anything." I wrote a long comment about how I used to wish that was my life. I would trade my clean house for not clean. But I wasn't given that opportunity. Then I realized I couldn't comment as anonymous, so I didn't want to post the comment.<br />
<br />
I'm not against anonymous comments; I allow them on my blog. But I also feel like if you can't say something and attach your name to it, maybe you shouldn't say it at all. I allow anonymous comments because I want someone to feel like they can freely express themselves without reviling too much about themselves. But if its a rude comment, I delete it. Anonymous should be for someone scared, not angry.<br />
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I keep going back and forth on my feelings here. In reality, most of these hateful things I have seen are on private groups; groups for childless people only. So mom's and grandma's probably have no idea. Which is the way it should be. As an infertile, we need a safe place to vent and cry and curse. <br />
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Still, I can't help but wonder if these feelings help a person find peace and healing, or if they actually slow down the process. I believe its the latter reason. If you cling to hate and bitterness, it becomes a part of you.<br />
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That's the point I'm trying to get to. Infertility sucks. It hurts. Sometimes you think you are going to die from the pain. Sometimes you wish you would. But don't stay in that moment. I believe, that if all you do is curse mother's and grandmother's for their happiness, you will never find your own happiness. Its not their fault they aren't living in the same nightmare you are; don't hold it against them. I can't walk around and always expect my family and friends to pretend they don't have kids & grand kids. I wouldn't want my misery to rain on their parade.<br />
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Could they be more supportive? I think that is a mixed question. Honestly, most people are pretty sensitive to my situation. Its only every now and then when I want to choke someone until they understand. But I can't be that way to everyone, because not everyone is that way to me. <br />
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I think there can be a better balance. Don't ignore your feelings. Doing so will only let them pressure and build up until they explode in an ugly fashion. But don't stew on them forever. Acknowledge the pain, but then count your other blessing. I hate not being a mother. But right now, I'm extremely grateful that I'm able to go back to school. I wouldn't have done it if I had kids. I hate that I'm not a mother, but I'm not going to lie, I love sleeping in on the weekends and having a quite house. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjgTG_-j2oMffvmXaSwuWneZWQiRthwrA7Tk5bATPzqNW9UcrLHSuw6ACDNNtdiGNVSGkfCu1lgov5IH1fmMeRcjNb5YEzeRmZDIJH5n1QzTpa3fkUkCg9WIpG8HwkT1iHUly0vgJtrr86/s1600/index.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjgTG_-j2oMffvmXaSwuWneZWQiRthwrA7Tk5bATPzqNW9UcrLHSuw6ACDNNtdiGNVSGkfCu1lgov5IH1fmMeRcjNb5YEzeRmZDIJH5n1QzTpa3fkUkCg9WIpG8HwkT1iHUly0vgJtrr86/s1600/index.jpg" height="200" width="154" /></a></div>
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If you are still pursing treatment or adoption, my prayers are with you. I hope it works out. But whether it works out or not, I wish you happiness. Don't wait around waiting for it to happen. Find those moments now. <br />
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I would like to get a tattoo to represent my infertility. The problem is, I'm not sure what I want. I've considered something that represents just the two of us. Or something to symbolize our loss. But I'm still not sure what I want. I do know I want something unique. I don't want to just Google the infertility symbol and do that.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnNCWGZ0yah5sCgOtCitEMcwj6aR7VjcU7Y8Uv_NxwngA02qpFLsbluXeKydQkmWg4JMBix36PKG_94CcCH4NKaRRgnRjhsQ9lf37uPOaI3GsSzKgSo1Ig771aTIYseQDyu5XHY_awXmS4/s1600/infertility-symbol.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnNCWGZ0yah5sCgOtCitEMcwj6aR7VjcU7Y8Uv_NxwngA02qpFLsbluXeKydQkmWg4JMBix36PKG_94CcCH4NKaRRgnRjhsQ9lf37uPOaI3GsSzKgSo1Ig771aTIYseQDyu5XHY_awXmS4/s1600/infertility-symbol.png" height="189" width="200" /></a></div>
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I already have one <a href="http://countlesstomorrows.blogspot.com/2013/10/las-vegas-2013.html">tattoo</a> and love it. It really doesn't have any symbolism behind it, except that it was my first tattoo. I had to think on it for two years before I decided what I wanted. But I have loved it so much, I've decided I want a 2nd one, but this time with some meaning behind it, hence the infertility.<br />
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I want something to remind me that infertility didn't beat me. I was bruised, but never completely broken. Or something that shows how Josh & I are our own family. That we can be complete without a child. <br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;">You can find more of this weeks #MicroblogMondays posts <a href="http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2015/04/microblogmondays-35-lost-items/">HERE</a>.</span> <br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEgofqdoRrDEFqXIZszNFzuf2Ew_9jalK0Xx85YHhEv_ZMTFbheHlkDajMgDS-miwWvOIdS-TvX5cwLdJgcxYmOs2VpG_-Eli0wryoT2VfKGo665V0UqyBvw0aA9s6QkZ3zXGd6bA_NmWl6isLu1gVy50CPGU3b5wniYVkW8EWnmI1uhss_dZg2-EnP2m1NAieiJKWpP8_iMJZk=" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/85731/sourbonk/d804419212c7658d0ce99e9d0826c199.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>
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I actually had a different post started for today, but then I read <a href="http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2015/04/feeling-alone/">Feeling Alone</a> over on Mel's blog, Stiffup Queen. I started to post a comment there, but it was quite long, so I decided to just do a blog post instead.<br />
<br />
Earlier this year, I met someone who was going through a similar experience to my own.<br />
The first time I tried to offer advise, I felt like they brushed me off. But I understood. Infertility is hard to go through. You don't think anyone understands your pain.<br />
<br />
Somehow that ignited something in me and I wanted to share more, not only with her, but with the world. For 10+ years, I have felt like no one understood me. But I had to place part of that blame on myself. I had never been brave enough to share my entire story. I had never been brave to bare my soul and tell ALL the ugly details. <br />
<br />
I started by blogging a lot more frequently on this blog. Some of those posts were easy to write. Others, I really struggled with wanting to expose that much. And still some, remain in draft mode until I am ready to share them.<br />
<br />
Each post, I put a link on my Facebook page and then in an infertility group I am part of. I always encourage everyone to share my link. I'm not looking for attention for myself. I'm trying to help fertile people understand what its like. And I'm trying to let other infertile people know they aren't alone.<br />
<br />
I have been amazed at the people who have reached out to me. Some of them, I knew they were facing a struggle of their own. But others, I had no idea. Its hard to share a story that is so personal and heartbreaking. I remember the fear. I didn't want to speak up for myself, only to be told, "Oh, it'll happen, when its time." <br />
<br />
I hate to admit it, but it hasn't made the impact on the fertile world I had hoped it would. (Actually, deep down I think I knew it never would, but I still hoped differently.) I still feel like most of them won't get it. But there have been a few that I have felt like I have reached. I believe, that because of my blog, they have had their eyes opened and now have a better understanding. They'll never completely get it, because it will never be their own reality. But I think it has helped them to be kinder to those they know that are infertile. <br />
<br />
If you are feeling alone, please know that you are not. Even though each infertility struggle is different form the next, we all still share the same pain. The longing to feel your baby grow in your belly. The ache of wanting to hold YOUR baby in your arms. If you can't find your own voice to share your story, please let me be your voice. <br />
<img border="0" src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/85731/sourbonk/d804419212c7658d0ce99e9d0826c199.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" />Savannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17584445611402346917noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2523466503020855745.post-33126210296939604612015-04-21T07:47:00.001-06:002015-04-21T07:48:38.777-06:00Sometimes There Isn't a Miracle BabyThis week is National Infertility Awareness Week. <br />
<br />
I'm part of a Facebook group for childless couples. They are a group for those who are no longer trying to grow their family, but instead, trying to make peace with their situation of a childless life. Everyone is in a different part of their healing, so its a pretty diverse group.<br />
<br />
Yesterday, one of them mentioned how they kept reading infertility posts, but they all seemed to have the same theme. "Hang on, it'll happen. See our miracle baby. We are living proof it ends." This started a great online conversation. I said my two cents worth, but now I have to do a soap box post.<br />
<br />
My short response was:<br />
<br />
"I think they are trying to keep hope alive. Once their dream comes true, I don't think it means they forget the pain. They just think it's going to end. They no longer can comprehend that for some, it never happens. I don't see them as being malicious, their just hoping your story ends like theirs, with a happy ending. They can't see past that."<br />
<div>
<br />
But after posting it, I kept thing about it. Then I stumbled onto several posts that were similar. Suddenly, I better understood why the original poster had been upset. It seems like every story you read ends with the same results. "Keep trying, your time will come. It took us "X" amount of years, but look at our happy family now."<br />
<br />
I know people in that situation. They tried for years and years and finally got their happy ending. But this post isn't about those people. Its about the ones who never get the fairy tale ending.<br />
<br />
I use to try compare my situation to others, but I've learned that each couple is different. Each couple faces their own unique medical issues. Each couple must go through a deep soul search to decide what they are open to. IVF? Sperm/Egg donation? Surrogacy? Adoption? Foster care? There is no clear cut answer and it is different for each couple. Only they can decide what they want to try. Only they can decide what is best for them.<br />
<br />
Only they can decide when they are done. I think we all reach a breaking point where we just can't try anymore. Even when you decide to stop treatment and move on with life, it still kills you. Its hard to give up on a dream. After all the years, all the money, all the treatments, all the waiting, its hard to walk away with nothing. Especially when its something that you have chased for so long.<br />
<br />
Not every case of infertility ends with a miracle baby. 1 out of 8 couples are infertile. But not everyone one of them eventually has a baby and/or adopts. I tried a Google search to see how many couples never resolve their infertility, but if those numbers are out there, I couldn't find them. But there are several couples out there who will remain childless for life. <br />
<br />
Not every case of infertility ends with a baby. But just because a couple choose to move on, doesn't mean their infertility is over. It will always be a part of us. We will always be reminded of what we are missing. That doesn't mean we can jump back in and try again. Somethings can never be resolved. That's a part of life. Its not fair, but that's how it is. <br />
<br />
This week I not only want to promote infertility awareness, but that there is also a community of childless for life people out there. They seem to be the ones that are forgotten. I want to show the world that even when you don't get your miracle baby, life can still be happy. I don't want to be the story of a miracle. I want to be the story about survival. A story of an alternate happy ending. <br />
<img border="0" src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/85731/sourbonk/d804419212c7658d0ce99e9d0826c199.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></div>
Savannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17584445611402346917noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2523466503020855745.post-91386222815194559142015-04-20T15:22:00.000-06:002015-04-20T15:22:10.784-06:00#MicroblogMonday: Hormones<br />
I often wonder why my body was cursed, just enough, that it couldn't have a baby, but not so much that I still get my monthly visitor, Aunt Flo. Well, almost monthly. My periods can be pretty sporadic. I never know if I'm going to go 2-3 months with no period, or just the normal 28 days.<br />
<br />
That is where the problem lies. The days leading up to my period, I get emotional. Super emotional. Cry over spilled milk emotional. But it never dawns on me why I am that way until my period actually starts. Then the light bulbs goes on and its like "oh, no wonder I've been so moody lately."<br />
<br />
Last week was bad. Once I realized, there would be no <a href="http://www.because-i-cant-have-babies.blogspot.com/2015/04/microblogmondays-baby-2.html">baby #2</a>, I lost it. I spent all of last Sunday in tears. Monday, was only slightly better because I was trying to keep on a happy face while at work. But inside, I was a wreck.<br />
<br />
Finally, on Tuesday night, I realized Aunt Flo was upon me. As much as I hate her, it was almost a relief to place the blame on her for my recent emotional turmoil. Because now that she is gone, I've returned to my normal self. <br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;">You can find more of this weeks #MicroblogMondays posts <a href="http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2015/04/microblogmondays-34-editing-and-authorship/">HERE.</a></span><br />
<br />
<img border="0" src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/85731/sourbonk/d804419212c7658d0ce99e9d0826c199.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" />Savannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17584445611402346917noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2523466503020855745.post-58699870470499100592015-04-17T13:23:00.000-06:002015-04-17T13:32:25.975-06:00Good MomDo you ever meet a stranger and wish you could go back and say something to them? Several months ago, I met a lady. She admitted that she was struggling as a mom; she felt like she wasn't good enough. I have thought about her a lot since then. I wish I could go back, wrap my arms around her, and tell her that I could see she was a good mom. But since I'll probably never get that opportunity, I decided to write a blog post instead.<br />
<br />
I have yet to meet someone who suffers from infertility that isn't quick to pass judgement. We see news stories of babies found in dumpsters and wonder why God would give that baby to someone else and not us, when clearly we want one so much. Or we know someone who is on drugs. Why does God bless them with babies, but not us? We will even question why someone can have 5, 6, 7 (or more kids) and wonder why they couldn't just have one less and we could have just one? Just one? Is that too much to ask?<br />
<br />
But with this lady, I felt like I could see her sweet spirit. Not only could I tell that she wasn't one of the above, but I could just tell that she tries her hardest. Maybe its because of the guilt she was feeling that helped me understand she is a good mom. She cared that her child was suffering in school. She felt bad for loosing her temper one night. She just wanted energy to be able to be the best mom for her kids. I think those thoughts and feelings she shared with me are what pointed towards her being a good mom. She cared so much that it hurt.<br />
<br />
I know I don't have first hand experience, but I still can appreciate that raising kids is a LOT of work and it can be exhausting. I don't look at mom's and think I could do better. Personally, I wonder how you do it all. Parenting is hard. But you make it look beautiful.<br />
<br />
Keep up the good work. You are a good mom. <br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEgofqdoRrDEFqXIZszNFzuf2Ew_9jalK0Xx85YHhEv_ZMTFbheHlkDajMgDS-miwWvOIdS-TvX5cwLdJgcxYmOs2VpG_-Eli0wryoT2VfKGo665V0UqyBvw0aA9s6QkZ3zXGd6bA_NmWl6isLu1gVy50CPGU3b5wniYVkW8EWnmI1uhss_dZg2-EnP2m1NAieiJKWpP8_iMJZk=" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/85731/sourbonk/d804419212c7658d0ce99e9d0826c199.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>
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<br />
My husband and I joke that we are the least favorite in our families. I don't mean that literally, but let's face it, when you don't have kids, you get left out.<br />
<br />
A lot of the time, if we don't make an effort to keep in contact with family, we can go weeks and weeks without talking to them. Seriously, once the holiday's are over, we won't have much contact with our families until usually the summer months when everyone is doing family reunions and picnics.<br />
<br />
I can't speak for all infertile couples on this topic, but a lot of them that I do I know, this fact bothers them. Like I stated, we don't have much contact. But I've noticed a trend. A lot of the time when I contact my sister in-law about something, she'll mention her mom being there in the last day or two.<br />
<br />
Here's the thing. We live literally a mile from his sister. We have lived in our home for almost 2 years now. In those 2 years, we have gone to his parent's house several times. I won't lie; sometimes a month (or two) passes between those visits, but we do go occasionally. There are members of my husband's family that haven't even seen the inside of our house.<br />
<br />
Let me clarify, this post is not an attack against those people. I just want to make a point. Remember, the purpose of these posts are to bridge the gap between infertile people and fertile people. I'm just trying to show the other side of the coin.<br />
<br />
To quote a dear friend, "I wish family would realize that the road goes both ways." Sure, we can come there and visit. But they could do the same.<br />
<br />
Another friend pointed out, "Well, if you're hostile or grumpy towards them, maybe they don't feel welcome." To which I responded "Well, if they would make more of an effort, maybe we wouldn't feel grumpy about being forgotten."<br />
<br />
I couldn't tell you what the turning point for me was, but lately, I have noticed I have become more brash about this issue. I no longer ignore the fact that family gets weekly visits, while we, only 1 mile away, never see anyone.<br />
<br />
My husband claims he likes our quite life. And I couldn't agree more. But its just one of those things that bother me and I can't seem to be quite about it any longer. I don't need weekly visits, I just want to know we aren't forgotten. <br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/85731/sourbonk/d804419212c7658d0ce99e9d0826c199.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Savannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17584445611402346917noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2523466503020855745.post-53382265838414302612015-04-14T14:53:00.001-06:002015-04-15T06:16:51.871-06:00Hope Poem<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Hope.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I thought I let go of you.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">But recently,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I feel it stirring within me.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I feel it growing.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I don't want it to.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I keep telling it I am okay</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
with the way things were.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I moved on.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But still, I can feel it inside me.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
There are others more deserving than me.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Others who are still trying.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I pray for peace. Is that too much to ask?</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm not asking for a miracle, just peace.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But still, it burns inside of me.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I don't want to go down that road again.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm not willing to risk my heart again.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Hope whispers, "but it could be different this time."</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I don't want to hope.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I put it to rest.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Please let me rest too.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Just peace is all I want. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Peace.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">(This poem is property of Savannah Christensen. Written on 4/14/15.) </span></div>
<br>
<img border="0" src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/85731/sourbonk/d804419212c7658d0ce99e9d0826c199.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;">Savannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17584445611402346917noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2523466503020855745.post-81336874357572282512015-04-13T12:36:00.001-06:002015-04-13T12:36:58.919-06:00#MicroblogMonday's: Baby #2<br />
Josh and I never wanted a large family. Most days, we just planned on 2 kids. (Maybe a third, but we could never agree on that.) Since we only planned to have two, I wanted them to be several years apart. If I was only going to do the baby stage twice, I wanted to savor every moment. So we decided that when the 1st child started school, we would start trying to have baby #2.<br />
<br />
This weekend, it hit me. If things had gone as planned, we'd be trying for baby #2 about now. Our little girl would have started Kindergarten this year.<br />
<br />
Realizing this opened the wounds back up this weekend. I spent most of yesterday in tears. I could write more about it, but I'm still pondering several things in my heart, so I will save that for another day.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;">You can find more of this weeks #MicroblogMondays posts<a href="http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2015/04/microblogmondays-33-board-games/"> HERE.</a></span><br />
<br />
<img border="0" src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/85731/sourbonk/d804419212c7658d0ce99e9d0826c199.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" />Savannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17584445611402346917noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2523466503020855745.post-4008692540003628982015-04-09T17:21:00.001-06:002015-04-09T17:21:30.786-06:00Draw Your InfertilityYears ago, we attended an adoption conference. Most of the classes focused on the many aspects of adoption, but they also had a few infertility classes, one of which we decided to attend.<br />
<br />
During the session, we were each given a piece of paper and told to draw our infertility. I drew a woman holding a baby, surrounded by family and friends. Then I drew myself in the far corner, standing alone with a tear on my face. (Really, it was just stick figures, but that was the image I was going for.)<br />
<br />
I finished and looked at Josh's paper, only to find it was blank. I asked him why he didn't draw anything and he said, "because there's nothing to draw, there's no sperm."<br />
<br />
After everyone was finished drawing their pictures, we hung them up on the wall. The instructors gave us wadded up, wet paper towels and told us to throw them at the picture, as hard as we could, while telling our infertility how it made us feel.<br />
<br />
As I threw mine I yelled, "I hate you." Those 3 words held so much meaning. I hated our bodies. I hated those who had what I couldn't. I hated the waiting. I hated the world.<br />
<br />
For me, that was one of those moments where the flood gates open. I bawled and bawled. Normally, I would never open up like that in a public setting, but everyone in there was having the same experience, so it felt safe. Also, I was so caught up in my own grief, I couldn't have told you what everyone else was doing. When we started, I thought it was a dumb idea. But by the end of class, it had helped me to confront my grief.<br />
<br />
Many times since, I've heard others say they are so mad over their situation, they just want to smash something against the wall. One woman even said she wanted to buy a box of glass jars to smash, but it seemed so wasteful in the end, and she didn't want to have a mess to clean up.<br />
<br />
As weird as it sounds, try this out. Maybe you'll just end up with a wet wad of paper on the floor. But maybe it will help release some of the feelings you are having a hard time expressing.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEgofqdoRrDEFqXIZszNFzuf2Ew_9jalK0Xx85YHhEv_ZMTFbheHlkDajMgDS-miwWvOIdS-TvX5cwLdJgcxYmOs2VpG_-Eli0wryoT2VfKGo665V0UqyBvw0aA9s6QkZ3zXGd6bA_NmWl6isLu1gVy50CPGU3b5wniYVkW8EWnmI1uhss_dZg2-EnP2m1NAieiJKWpP8_iMJZk=" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/85731/sourbonk/d804419212c7658d0ce99e9d0826c199.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a><br />
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This year, I actually found myself grateful I didn't have kids for the Easter holiday. Friday, I spent most of the day cramming for a test in my math class. To say I am stressed over this class is an understatement.<br />
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Saturday, Josh asked me why I didn't do any egg hunts with the nephews this year. I told him that no one invited me, and since I was so busy with school, I didn't make the effort to invite myself.<br />
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Most of the time, I have to make myself the 3rd wheel. But I'm with my nephews, so I don't mind. But this year, with all of the extra stress from school, I was actually glad to be able to skip some of the holiday madness.<br />
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I still made a small gift for each nephew. This year, I found a way to turn a beach towel into a basket, which I filled with a few small toys.<br />
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Josh and I also exchanged baskets. I think that's my favorite tradition. Its our way of saying we are a family all on our own. We also decided to stay home and have a quite dinner by ourselves. <br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">You can find more of this weeks #MicroblogMondays posts <a href="http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2015/04/microblogmondays-32-whining-about-the-complaintrestraint-project/">HERE</a>.</span><br />
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I believe I am the kind of person that can laugh at a joke. That being said, for the most part, I enjoy April Fool's Day.</div>
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A few years ago, I brought <a href="http://countlesstomorrows.blogspot.com/2013/04/happy-april-fools-day.html">Brown-E's</a> to work.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNOtCFNW3aa6XRNGvwvhtX216d-ho5f1QHRZGhmrVxy1OqZ78teoorf54WOI5YtoEomyZVtt4ACXrBbFkCOrf-B5wQWEpi725fMrDOFkRipPTiP3Y04iGbpjKZtRn8ypdD8Gz8ZMBy5rCv/s1600/IMG_2409+(800x600).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNOtCFNW3aa6XRNGvwvhtX216d-ho5f1QHRZGhmrVxy1OqZ78teoorf54WOI5YtoEomyZVtt4ACXrBbFkCOrf-B5wQWEpi725fMrDOFkRipPTiP3Y04iGbpjKZtRn8ypdD8Gz8ZMBy5rCv/s1600/IMG_2409+(800x600).jpg" height="150" width="200" /></a></div>
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This year, I am bringing a big bowl of M&M's, Reese's Pieces, and Skittles. </div>
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But I also believe that some things simply aren't joking matters.</div>
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(Stepping onto soapbox..)</div>
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Pregnancy Announcements. </div>
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Here's the thing, I'm guilty of doing just that. Many, MANY years ago, before we realized we were infertile. This was before <a href="http://www.because-i-cant-have-babies.blogspot.com/2015/02/life-on-infertile-side-facebook.html">Facebook</a>, but we thought it would be funny to tell some family members that "the rabbit died". Then we didn't correct them until later that day.</div>
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That is one of those times I wish I could go back and slap myself.</div>
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Here's the thing, pregnancy isn't a laughing matter, especially to those who are trying so hard to get pregnant. Some have been trying for years and YEARS. Others have been waiting on an adoption list for just as long. Or some have had to accept that parenthood will never happen for them and try to move on with life. To each of these couples, a pregnancy announcement is like a knife stab in the heart. (Please refer to my blog post about <a href="http://www.because-i-cant-have-babies.blogspot.com/2015/02/life-on-infertile-side-pregnancy.html">pregnancy announcements</a>.) </div>
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So when we later find out it was just a "joke," it hurts even more. When you've been trying to get pregnant for years and years, its hard to understand how anyone could make light of such a serious matter. </div>
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A joke should be something that is funny for all, not something that is harmful to some. So please, keep it light and funny tomorrow and find something else to joke about. Most people don't share their infertility struggle, so you may not know just how many people may be hurt by a fake pregnancy announcement.</div>
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And if you don't have time to make Brown-E's, send them to <a href="https://www.google.com/maps/@33.4677085,-112.0869616,17z/data=!1e3">Google Maps</a>.</div>
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I'm double bummed because I missed Valentine's also. I did do something for St. Patrick's Day, but I still feel like I'm slacking. Granted, they are all still young enough that they probably don't even notice. But I do.<br />
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Luckily, I have Amazon Prime. All I need to do is decide what I want to order and it should be here in time. I'm thinking of maybe a slip 'n' slide for the older nephews and a small wading pool for the younger ones.<br />
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Its about spoiling the ones I love. And making sure I keep my position as best aunt ever.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span>You can find more of this weeks #MicroblogMondays posts <a href="http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2015/03/microblogmondays-31-inspirational-quotes/">HERE</a>.</span> </span><br />
<img border="0" src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/85731/sourbonk/d804419212c7658d0ce99e9d0826c199.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" />Savannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17584445611402346917noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2523466503020855745.post-89228835285194421702015-03-23T09:32:00.002-06:002015-03-23T09:32:16.353-06:00GriefJosh's grandpa passed away this weekend. Through it, I have learned that both he and I handle grief very differently from the most of the world. Each time we go through something hard, we just want to be in each others arms.<br />
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This realization started earlier last month when my brother was in the hospital. I tried to be there with my family, but really, I just wanted to be alone with my husband. He is my safe place. In his arms, I could cry.<br />
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Its been the same way the past few days. I kept telling him it was okay to go be with his family. He told me that I was all he needed.<br />
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Maybe its because of our infertility struggle that we seek comfort only from each other. At first, when we were trying to get pregnant, we kept that to ourselves. We didn't open up about our struggles to anyone, not even family. Through that, we learned to lean on and support each other. <br />
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Then, when we were unchosen, each other was all we had. I think because of that, we have created our own grief bubble. Infertility has been a rocky journey, but I'm so grateful that I had Josh by my side through all of it. It has brought us closer. <br />
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His grandparents were amazing people. I'm glad they are together again. Eight years ago, when grandma passed away, I was devastated she would never get to hold my children. It felt like I was mourning more than just her death, but also, the loss of what could have been. <br />
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The grief process has been very different for me with grandpa. It has been easier to focus on the happy memories. I don't feel like the world is going to end because he didn't get to hold my babies. <br />
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Its also served as a great reminder that Josh is all I have. When I think about grandma and grandpa, I think about how much they loved each other, even after 67 years. I hope that will be us someday. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiDrv5qurgyz5LmeyzXJOzArFN59y9kS_WclPHaFKI2sprfltJa40bs-Ca-cIuQ6qtsR38l_6Ev0Aqreix1plV7bPhvxwu2G8hVRQbKv5DAKNeboxHn3gDfTr-XaVdUBoBTfoA7LbtO7hY/s1600/Microblog_Mondays.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiDrv5qurgyz5LmeyzXJOzArFN59y9kS_WclPHaFKI2sprfltJa40bs-Ca-cIuQ6qtsR38l_6Ev0Aqreix1plV7bPhvxwu2G8hVRQbKv5DAKNeboxHn3gDfTr-XaVdUBoBTfoA7LbtO7hY/s1600/Microblog_Mondays.png" /></a>I realize that kids are kids, but I think parents need to be parents.<br />
<br />
Last week, I had a little girl (about age 2) chew on my desk. Chew.On.My.Desk!!!! She literally walked up to the edge of my desk and latched on with her teeth and started chewing.<br />
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I was horrified! Who does that?! What did the parents do? Nothing!<br />
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I know I don't know how to raise a kid, but seriously, it would seem logical that if your kids starts chewing on something in a public setting, you would at least tell them to stop. <br />
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I just bit my tongue and hurried up their paperwork so I could get them out of my office quickly. When they were gone, I thoroughly Clorox-ed my desk. There are no bite marks, but I still fee like my desk was violated.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><em><span>You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts <a href="https://www.blogger.com/null"></a><a href="http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2015/03/microblogmondays-29-synthetic-babies/">here</a>.</span></em> </span><br />
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This is one of those gut wrenching, do I even dare publish this, posts. How can I express my thoughts, without hurting others? Can I bring myself to be honest about my feelings, without exposing too much about someone else?<br />
<br />
But this thing haunts me and I'm ready to face my demons. My thoughts have focused on it daily for nearly a year now. I'm ready to make peace with it and move on. So here it goes, one of my deepest, darkest secrets.<br />
<br />
<br />
I know someone suffering from secondary infertility and my thoughts have not always been kind towards them. Secondary infertility means that they have children already, but they have decided to have more, but now are having problems. I'm not going to specify if they have 1 child or 6, just that they are currently trying to have more.<br />
<br />
But here is what gets me. At one point, they said they were done having children. They were happy and content with the children they had. They took steps and did procedures to make that decision final.<br />
<br />
But then they changed their mind. <br />
<br />
This is where the bitterness comes in. Josh and I were never given that option. Our infertility was something out of our control. We were never given the opportunity to undo the circumstances that were forced upon us. It blows my mind that some people can. I have had a hard time coming to terms with this fact. How someone can choose to turn their fertility off and then back on.<br />
<br />
For months, I have dreaded the big announcement. I have shed a lot of tears trying to come to terms with it all. I've lost a lot of sleep wondering when it will happen. I have pleaded with God to give me peace. As much as I dislike <a href="http://because-i-cant-have-babies.blogspot.co.nz/2015/02/life-on-infertile-side-pregnancy.html">pregnancy announcements</a>, its the pregnancies that are hard. But that is another post for another day.<br />
<br />
Over the last few months, I have fought a battle in my heart. It would seem that they are struggling to get pregnant. I know how heart breaking that is. I know how you randomly place your hand on your belly, hoping there is a baby in there. I know how you cry after each negative pregnancy test. I know what it is like to dry those tears and hope that next month will be different.<br />
<br />
I won't lie. I have felt some satisfaction out of this. Finally, they can get a glimpse of what it was like for us. I've even noticed how they have gone through similar circumstances like we did having to deal with another family member having an unplanned pregnancy. On the outside, they handled it well. But I'm familiar to the ache that you try to hide in your heart. The voice that cries, "its not fair." <br />
<br />
The topic never comes up. Maybe they are afraid I'll rub it in. I won't deny wanting to declare, "See, this is why I was the way I was! This is why I was bitter and unhappy all of the time. Now you can know just exactly what it was like."<br />
<br />
But I can't, because I have been there. I know how much your heart hurts. I know what it is like to hope and pray that this month the test is positive. To have every thought, of every day, center around the hope that you might be pregnant. I know what it is like to have others talk about ultra sounds and wish it was you. I know how your arms ache to hold not just any baby, but YOUR baby. I know how hard it is to pretend that all is okay, even though you are dying inside. <br />
<br />
I have spent a lot of time asking God to give me peace. Not just about a pregnancy that may happen, but also peace to help me help you. Honestly, I don't know what to do. I have gone back and forth a million times. Do I just ignore the circumstances? Do I offer an olive branch and tell you I feel your pain? Can I separate my pain so that it doesn't interfere with yours?<br />
<br />
Every time I decide to just ignore it, I remember how much I hated that. I wanted someone to tell me they understood my pain. Or even if they didn't understand it, they still felt something for me. Even just a hug would have said a thousand words of comfort.<br />
<br />
While we were trying to get pregnant, and later adopt, I hated the waiting most. But right below that, I hated feeling like no one cared about me. And I don't have it in me to do that to someone else. Not when I know how much it hurts.<br />
<br />
I'm still working on saying the words out loud, but until then, they are in my heart. I know your pain. I feel your heartache. Please know that you are not alone.<br />
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