Sunday, March 31, 2013

I find myself wondering if it really is better to have loved and lost rather then to have not loved at all.

Being an expectant mom was some of the happiest moments of my life. I was on top of the world. Even everyone questioning "what if" couldn't knock me down. Shame on all of you naysayers. Forget how it turned out, you should have been happy for me when I was happy.

Being unchosen, and the months that followed, were the darkest moments of my life. Sometimes I'm amazed I survived it.

I still question (and probably always will) why it had to happen. Since deciding to not pursue parenthood anymore, Josh and I have found peace. So why did we need to try to adopt only to fail? Are we better off because we tried? Is it better to have tried and failed rather then to not have tried at all.

I hate to think of us still being stuck in the eternal limbo of hoping to get looked at. If we had never met C, would we still be waiting? Waiting for nothing? Maybe we needed to try and fail just so we could move forward with our lives. For that, I guess I am grateful for C. I know people who were approved even before us and they are still waiting. Still waiting for baby #1 to find them. I'm so glad that isn't us anymore. I'm not saying their baby won't find them, I'm hoping their family will grow. I'm just grateful to be past the waiting and wondering. I'm so glad Josh and I were able to find peace with our family the size it is.

I know we've always had the freedom of being just us, but over the last 2 years, we've really come to appreciate it. I love our last minute dates. I love not being tied down. I love that when we decided to plan a cruise, it was that much less complicated. I know I complained about all the traveling for the recent wedding celebrations, but I really did love it all. I'm glad we didn't have to worry about kids and the long hours on the road or even having to miss stuff because of kids. I love late Wii nights with our other childless friends.

And I LOVE spoiling my nephews. I just went with my sister to take Valex to his first movie and I had a BLAST. I've started thinking about what I want to get them for Easter and I could end up spending quite a bit. I love those little boys so much and through them I have been able to feel the void I once had in my heart.

My two best friends are relations, but I didn't come to know them until we were all led to adoption. I hate to think of all the time we've missed together before then. But I'm so glad that through infertility and adoption, I was able to get to know them and love them. As Heather said, "it was fate". Yes, I think it was.

In 2009, we had a yard sale to raise some money for our adoption fund. We didn't earn much, but I've come to realize, that's because something else needed to come from the yard sale. One of my dad's relations came and bought some books. Then she mentioned that her oldest daughter, Heather, was looking into adoption. I told her I'd love to visit with her. I remembered her from childhood, but she was my sister's age so we were never close. I can't even remember who emailed who first, but soon afterwards an amazing friendship blossomed. I'm forever grateful for that. She is one of my dearest and truest friends.

I can't even remember how Jessica and I finally connected, but I know it was somehow through FSA. I haven't had a bff since I got married and I didn't realize how much I missed that.

One failed adoption broke my heart, but when I look at all the other blessings, it almost seems worth it.