Friday, October 31, 2008

Words of Advice

It's hard to live in a world where EVERYONE but you has children and can get pregnant. I know that everyone means well, but let's face it; You don't understand our situation and you can't help it
The only true comfort I find is from my support group It's a email based support group. Basically when one of us is feeling down or has a question about fertility treatments we send out a mass email. Then whoever wants to, can reply back. The entire group sees all these emails. In August I had a big breakdown. I was sailing along, doing fine, when something happened and knocked me off my feet. I won't comment more on it, just that it was almost the undoing of my sanity. Needless to say, that is when I realized I needed help. We had just heard of this group at the Adoption Conference so I joined. It has helped me so much! I'm not alone in this world! I think I am one of the few in the group who isn't still trying to conceive, but I get so much comfort from the group. Sometimes I am the one venting and sometimes I am the one trying to comfort.
The point I am trying to get to is that I do have friends and family who try to comfort me.
Things I DO NOT want to hear:
Be patient
Have faith
Pray harder
Adopt, then you'll get pregnant
Don't think about it, it'll happen
Have you tried such and such

I know everyone means well, but unless you are infertile it doesn't really help. And it's not because you have kids and I don't. It's because, unless you have been through this exact trial, you really have no idea what we go through. We know our options, we do have faith. Don't tell us how to feel and think; you can't read our minds.

Things you can do:
Ask how our adoption is going.
Spread the word that we are adopting.
Ask if we need a hug.
Don't ignore us when you are talking about children or pregnancy.
Offer comfort and cheer, but let us grieve.
Help us remember that we are a family and it is important.
Pray for us and our birth mother.
Don't wish me a Happy Mother's Day until I am a mother.
Don't treat me like I don't know how to handle a child. I'm the oldest of four children and I babysat for years. I do have a clue of what I am doing
Just listen to me vent. You don't have to even comment on it, in fact in some cases that may be wise...

Sorry - I had to vent. Someone did say something to me a few days ago and I am been steaming ever since. It feels so good to get that out!



Desi said...

I HATE hearing, "just be patient" and then in my last comment I told you about that quote I read that basically makes me feel like it's telling me to "just be patient".... I hope it was not out of place - I really do understand how awful comments can be and how stinging they can feel even when no hurt was intended.

I think the waiting is the hardest part....