When there are no words...

My very dear friend lost her foster baby today. After raising him and loving him for five months, he is gone. This post is not about what may or may not be best for the baby. This is about how life sucks for her. I keep trying to think of the perfect words to take her pain away. But I know they don't exist.

I think her pain is worse then ours when were unchosen, because she got to hold this baby. Feed him. Rock him to sleep. He was her life for the last 5 months and now she has to go back to being, well, not the mommy. And that sucks. I keep thinking back to my pain thinking, "What took it away from us? What made it better?'

The problem is that there are no words to describe her pain and her loss. Therefore, there are no words of comfort I can magically say to make it all better.

Don't look for the time when it gets better cause you can't see that from here. I think the thing I hated most was the sun coming up the next morning. I thought the world should stop for my pain, but it didn't. Do what you can to survive and let healing come at the pace you let it. When others ignore your pain, try to not take is personally; sometimes they don't know what to say so instead they say nothing at all.

I love you B & K and I am so sorry you are going through this. Feel your grief as it comes and hold tight to each other.

Waiting for the wind

A dear friend and I were emailing back and forth yesterday about National Adoption Month which of course led to talking about being unchosen. She also has felt the pain of loving a birth mom and her baby, only to have things change. Its a stinging pain. Its a pain that I am learning lessens with time, but still has its moments where it flames up and you feel like it might consume you. I've been focusing mostly on the good memories and rereading some beautiful emails that were my lifeline a year ago. But its so hard to stop the reminiscing there; its hard to remember just the good parts of a story that has a sad ending. But I digress.

In our conversing, my friend said something that I really liked and I wanted to post it so I don't forget it.

"Play it by day by day and see how you feel. You'll either get a 2nd wind to jump in again...or you'll feel the wind blowing you somewhere else. Either way, everything turns out all right in the end."

That is exactly how I feel right now. The wind isn't really blowing me towards adoption right now, but it also isn't really blowing me away from it either.

He Lives!

Every day is a new struggle. Why did we wait so long to just be looked at? (We started the adoption process three years ago.) In September of 2009, we had the chance to visit with a young mother on the phone. I begged and pleaded with the Lord to let this work for our family, knowing the entire time that it wasn't our baby. I remember the next morning posting on Facebook, "Its still early in the morning, but already I know the answer is no, and it breaks my heart."

Why was it so clear then that that situation wouldn't work out, but why did everything with C feel so different, like it would work out? Why were we chosen, only to later be unchosen? So many questions, and still not many answers. I think I'm okay with how things turned out with C, things happen and minds change. I understand that. But now my questions are for my Heavenly Father. Why must I suffer this heart break? Why after so much yearning, am I still childless? Why did we come so close, only to be so far again?

Today, comfort came in the form of a Swaperoos gift. I was in tears before I left the Post Office.

A charm from my favorite Etsy Store.

Last year my Swaperoo partner had a failed placement. I hope it is okay with her if I share part of her message to me.

"Anyway, something I found myself clinging to last Spring was the hymn I Know That My Redeemer Lives. The lyrics got me through a lot. I knew he could take pain and grief and sorrow from me, but it is a continual process to remember to access the Atonement as you travel down your path laden with twists and turns and roller coaster rides. The first package holds something special I custom ordered for you from The R House Couture (hence the two packages...that one is coming directly from Lindsey). Before you open it, I hope you'll read through the hymn and remember that Spring/Easter is a time of new beginnings and that He lives to take away your pain, wipe your tears away, and silence all your fears. I hope you love it!"

This used to be one of my favorite hymns, I'm surprised I had forgotten it until now. On the drive home, I tried to sing it, all I could remember was most of the second verse. Here is the lyrics to the entire song if you're like me and can't remember all of it.

1.

I know that my Redeemer lives

What comfort this sweet sentence gives.

He lives, He lives who once was dead.

He lives, my ever living head.

He lives to bless me with his love.

He lives to plead for me above.

He lives my hungry soul to feed.

He lives to bless in time of need.

2.

He lives to grant me rich supply.

He lives to guide me with his eye.

He lives to comfort me when faint.

He lives to hear my souls complaint.

He lives to silence all my fears.

He lives to wipe away my tears.

He lives to calm my troubled heart.

He lives all blessings to impart.

3.

He lives, my kind, wise heavenly friend.

He lives and loves me to the end.

He lives and while he lives I'll sing.

He lives, my Prophet, Priest, and King.

He lives and grants me daily breath.

He lives, and I shall conquer death.

He lives my mansion to prepare.

He lives to bring me safely there.

4.

He lives! All glory to his name.

He lives, my Savior, still the same.

Oh sweet, the joy this sentence gives:

"I know that my Redeemer lives!"

He lives! All glory to his name.

He lives, my Savior, still the same.

Oh sweet, the joy this sentence gives:

"I know that my Redeemer lives!"

Text: Samuel Medley, 1738-1799. Included in the first LDS hymnbook, 1835.

Music: Lewis D. Edwards, 1858-1921

When I got home, I remembered a seminary lesson many years ago. This is taken from my seminary journal, November 19, 1999:

"My favorite reason 'He lives' in Hymn #136 is 'He lives to comfort me with faint." I have felt his comfort before, so real that it seemed as if i was in his lap crying and that he was there offering me support and comfort.

Here is my own verse to this hymn -

He lives to hold me when I cry.

He lives to protect me from all lies.

He lives and watches me from above.

He lives and extends me all his love."

I will admit I am weak and I've had my moments when I've wanted to be mad at God. (I will also admit how relieved I was when our caseworker told me all the feelings and emotions I am experiencing are a normal part of the grief process.) But I can't be mad at God because I know that He does live, and He does hear my souls complaint. He has comforted me and He has helped calm my troubled heart. I find it odd I only wrote half verse all those years ago. Here is how I would end it:

He lives to grant me daily peace.

He lives, helping to build my eternity.

He lives to tell me if only I could see,

The promises He holds for me.

Thanks for the gift Megan, it was perfect.

Great post on Infertility

A friend of mine wrote a beautiful post about serving infertile people. It has a touching movie on it too. Go check it out on Giving What I Am.

One Lovely Blog

When I first started this blog, it was private. It was my place to go vent when I felt like the world was unfair because I was infertile. Slowly I started to invite a few people to view it; my only requirement? They were infertile like me. But then I decided that I didn't need to hide my feelings about infertility so I opened this blog up. The results?

I won an award!! Thank you Brenda for this award. I am honored (and surprised, but still mostly honored). Brenda runs a couple blogs that are awesome. She talks openly about infertility on I AM where she wrote an awesome letter to fertile woman. She also has a family blog and my favorite part is Matching Monday. It is the first place I go every Monday morning. Thank you Brenda for your work in helping these children find homes. Thanks to you I have taken a step off the cliff and inquired about a waiting sibling group. (Which we were told to wait until the END of July for a response!)

Getting back to the award...

Here are the rules:

1. Put the award on your blog.

2. Include a link to the person who gave you the award.

3. Nominate 6 or more blogs

4. Leave a message on their blog letting them know they have an award on your blog.

1. My very favorite infertility blog is In Pursuit of Parenthood. She writes everything I wish I could say in such a beautiful, thought provoking way. I would highlight just one post of hers, but I love all of them.

2. When I need a good laugh, I always go to 3 Cute Kids. Here kids crack me up! My favorite post is You can choose. This has become a running joke at our house! We are always using it against each other telling them to choose something.

3. I have always dreamed of having twins and looking at all the pictures of these two little girls at Trent & Carlie and Co. I want a set of twins of my own. Even if you don't have twins, be sure to check out her Twin Tips because they could apply to anyone with a baby.

4. Sometimes I actually feel blessed about our infertility (got to love that male infertility can be a final answer to your medical woes), especially when I watch friends take on the evil pill known as Clomid. I am so glad I never had to try that. What a wrecky hormone pill! But my friend, Ashley, at Feigning Fertility is trying to conceive with that pill.

5. When we decided to adopt, I was delighted to learn that I had a cousin who was adopting too. I love talking with her about our struggles and I secretly hope that heaven smiles down on us and we adopt at the same time so our children can be friends. I also wish I could decorate as beautifully as she does.

6. Failed adoptions are heartbreaking. In just one week I knew of three different couples who had one happen to them. An Eternal Family in Progress was one of them. They are currently holding a contest that will help them spread the word that they are trying to adopt.

7. The star of Kiara's Corner is of course Kiara. What a doll! She is cute and funny. Check out some of her silliness at Kiara-isms.

8. When we first decided to adopt, open adoption terrified us. But then we started to meet people and learn what a wonderful thing it really is. Dustin, Andrea & Avery have a great open adoption with their birth mom Andee. I can only hope and pray that someday we can have that kind of relationship too.

9. I follow several crafty blogs, but one of my favorites is Inky Smiles. She is amazing at scrap booking. Someday I will get brave enough to actually try some of the things she does like Quilling & Butterflies.

10. I can't forget my other favorite blog. (Her kids have me rolling on the floor in laughter!) Mommy Musings: Notes from the Trenches, may look like she has her hands full, but with kids like hers there is never a dull moment. One of my personal favorites, the gum letter.

All I can say is....WOW

I had an amazing experience today where I know that God's hand is in my life and it happened....at the dentist office.

Let me go back to the first of the year to really show how amazing this all is. At the beginning of the year the dentist I was using quit accepting our insurance. I was totally bummed over this, because I really liked this dentist. So bummed that I bought off find a new dentist for almost 6 months.

Then last week I noticed that my teeth didn't feel as clean and I decided to get an appointment for a cleaning. I asked around at work and found a new dentist. This Monday, I called to get an appointment, knowing it would be several weeks out because dentists are just busy like that and I wouldn't be a priority since I didn't have a tooth ache. Plus, I only want to go on Friday's which narrows my chances.

Guess what...they had a cancellation for THIS FRIDAY. I have never been able to get a cleaning the same week that I called for the appointment. EVER.

After some pictures, poking, cleaning, I was informed I needed to have some work done and his insurance specialist would help me out with the costs and some appointments. After we were all finished I decided to hand her one of our pass along cards (that's what their for). I still feel awkward when I give these out, but I am getting better. I just let them know that we are looking to adopt and if they know of any one please give them our information or if you feel inspired to give it to someone for the same reason, please pass it on.

Today I gave her our card and got as far as, "We are trying to adopt." She exclaimed that they just started to look into it for themselves. We spent another 15 minutes visiting about adoption. Adoption is so close to my heart that I could talk about it forever. They are going through a different agency, but I've invited her to join our local FSA and I hope we can become great friends there.

I don't like going to the dentist, but I know I was supposed to be there today.

How do you describe a good friend?

I'm talking about a really good friend who never judges you. Who cries with you when you cry? A friend who tries to hide their joy because they worry it will upset you? I wish I could find the right words because I have some friends that are just amazing. They never question me. They never complain when I start to go off about how unfair my life is. I have never met these people, but because we share something in common we are friends. Every time I feel down they are there at their keyboards typing out words of comfort to lift my spirits.

And I know it works both ways because when I can tell one of them is going through a tough time I try to do the same. Sometimes I don't know exactly what to say and all I may tell them is that I am sorry for what they are going through and I will pray for them. But when they tell me the exact same thing I feel better.

I thank Heaven EVERYDAY for these wonderful friends.