Even though 1 out 6 couples suffer from infertility, it is still a lonely world. It's hard to live in a world when babies continue to enter your life from every direction. It hard to trudge forward with your head held high, when you feel so misunderstood. It's hard to hope on the unknown.
It's just as hard to live as an expectant parent after being approved for adoption. In January 2008 our paperwork was approved and we became a waiting couple. We became expectant parents. We started our own, be it long and drawn out, pregnancy.
I try to not murmur about our trial of infertility. I've tried to remain positive and uplifting to those around me. I've tried to share my excitement, but that's hard to do when there is no end in sight.
Infertility and waiting on adoption is met with lots of advice.*You just need to relax.
*Be patient, your time will come, it will happen.*You need to have more faith.
Those three statements are what I dread THE MOST to hear. But they are what I hear the most often. But right now, it's the third one that is troubling me today. "You just need to have more faith."
I'm sorry, I didn't realize that we didn't have faith. Each morning I get up and check our adoption email account, hoping to finally see a message. Seventeen times now, I have opened my email to see that I have a new message. Seventeen times I have thought, "What if its another scam?" But, seventeen times I have clicked on new message hoping against the odds. Seventeen times I have been wrong, but I continue to check this email account on a regular basis. Is that not a sign of my faith?
Each day I watch couples with their children and each day I dare to think, "that will be me someday." Is that not faith? Each night I find myself in deep prayer. Praying for our birth parents; for their health, for their comfort, for their love. Each night I pray that our time will come soon that we will become parents. Is that not faith?
Each day I try to hand out our adoption pass along cards. Sometimes I am met with comments that they won't make a difference. Sometimes I am told it's a waste of my efforts. But I continue to hand them out! I feel that even if our cards don't result in a baby for us, if they help a young women choose adoption, than I am making a difference. Is that not faith?
Sometimes I dare to dream big and I start to talk about those dreams, only to to met by opposition. It comes in many forms, but always it is heartbreaking and I promise myself I will not subject myself to that again. And yet, faith lives on, and down the road I start to try to share those dreams once again.
I know these people mean well, and I know they don't mean to hurt my feelings. I know they say things out of love, I just don't hear it that way.
A week ago I took the biggest leap of faith in regards to our adoption. I told a girl we weren't the parents for her precious baby. Is that not faith? It is so hard to say no. It's hard to think that we could be parents now. But because of my faith, I knew it was what we needed to do. I said no, because I have faith that something better will happen to our family.
I have several friends who are exercising faith while they wait for their families to grow. One friend tried for 18 months to get pregnant. 18 months! I never once would have dreamed of telling her to have more faith. I've had friends struggle to get pregnant and then a few short weeks later have a miscarriage. Would you caution them to have faith? (If you would, than you are not a nice person.)
In our church we are taught that faith CAN move mountains. I've probably heard that a thousand times. And yet, I don't think I've heard that faith WILL move mountains. To me, that is a significant difference. Faith CAN move mountains. If a mountain needs moved, a person can have faith enough to do so. But I don't believe that any faithful person can just move a mountain after having faith to do so. That mountain will move if and when it needs to.
Infertility is our mountain. If my faith alone was enough, then I should have been able to become pregnant. But that was a mountain that didn't need to be moved. It could have, but instead it was a mountain I needed to go over. It's a mountain that needs to stay where it is. My faith could have moved it, but it didn't.
Our adoption wait is our next mountain. I have faith that this mountain can and will be overcome. I also have faith that it will happen on the Lord's timetable, not mine. Even though I continue to pray everyday for our child doesn't mean I lack faith. My prayers are ways of telling my Father that although I am still waiting, I have faith that it can happen. My prayers are said each night so I can feel the peace from my Father in Heaven. My prayers are NOT a lack of faith, rather they are a sign of my faith. If I didn't have faith our adoption would happen, I wouldn't pray for it.
I may get down at times, but I am not broken. Infertility didn't kill me and the adoption wait won't either.