I spent the last few days reminding myself: babies are exciting. Grandparents are excited. Parents are over the moon and giddy. Babies are a good thing.
But I struggle. Oh, how I struggle. While everyone rushes in to see the new baby, I sit in my car and cry. I was at the hospital, just a few halls down. But I didn't have the strength to go alone. I sat in my car and cried for 5 minutes. Only to drive to the library and cry for another 10 minutes. I was a wreck.
I am excited to have a new nephew. The first four are pretty awesome and I try my hardest to be their favorite aunt. I would do anything for those boys. For my boys. (That's one of the reasons I'm thrilled its a boy, so I can just keep saying "my boys.") I LOVE being an aunt. They mean the world to me and I dare say no one, but their parents and grandparents, love them more than I do.
So why is it that a new baby, just hours into this world, can upset me so much? Why do I find it so hard to share in the joy of everyone else?
We did go see the new baby last night when Josh got off of work. I loved him the second I saw him and was hooked the second I held him.
Today, I've been much more emotionally stable. I've bragged at work and shown off his picture to anyone who will give me two seconds. But the emotional turmoil of yesterday is still with me.
I've come to realize, its just another part of my infertility I will never fully recover from. I will never get to experience the birth of a child and the excitement that comes with it. Those who are blessed with babies can't walk a mile in my shoes. They will never understand what I go through during a pregnancy. And I will never be able to understand the full joy of their pregnancy. To them, it is full happiness. But to me, it is a reminder of what can not be. And that will always sting.
Its like it forces me to go through the grief process in fast forward. Its a fast, bumpy ride. Its not fun for me, and I'm sure its just as miserable for those I am around. But before I can come to acceptance, I have to experience the denial, anger and depression one more time. Its a whirlwind for me and I wonder if I will even survive.
Then, I see the baby and all is ok.