Thursday, May 27, 2010

Waiting for the end

I keep rewritting this post. I want to share my emotions, but then I don't. So here is the short version.

I know I haven't posted much here for a while. There just isn't much to say. I still feel devastated that I won't be a mom this summer. I still don't understand what we did wrong. I don't understand how we could meet someone so wonderful, and then only have her in our life for such a short time.

Crying has become a way of life for me, a daily part of my life. Everything makes me cry and so does all the nothingness.

I haven't blogged about my feelings much because it tends to bring out the anonymous comments. Anonymous rarely have something nice to say. They make me feel like I'm not allowed to feel such a loss. I was finally going to be a mom! After years of trying and years of waiting, the end was in sight. We had a due date and we were in love with someone. This is a loss. My pain is real.

So anonymous, before your panties get in a wad, let me try to clarify myself.

My feelings are not meant as an attack against any birth mother. My feelings are about me not becoming a mom in the near future. I still love C. I think of her often and hope she is doing well. She is an amazing young women and I am sure the adoptive family she chose are just as amazing. I know God's hand was in the choosing of the family for her little girl. I just don't understand why God wanted us in her life for such a short time. Maybe if I could find peace and understanding there, maybe I wouldn't cry so much. Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much.

But on the other hand, I think by not blogging, I have given the illusion that all is fine. I can't keep pretending that all is fine. My heart is broken and I don't think it will ever heal.

There is two rungs on the ladder before I hit rock bottom, and they are coming up fast. I just hope that once I do hit bottom, I can find the strength to pick myself back up. Right now I'm just sitting on the edge waiting for it to all happen...

Anonymous, feel free to comment. I actually get a kick out of what you are willing to say since you don't have to attach your name. You have not beaten me. If you had, I would no longer accept anonymous comments, or I would make my blogs completely private. Have a nice day.

PS - I'm getting ready for a relaxing weekend. I think I'll try to stay offline this weekend. If you don't see your comment published for a few days, don't panic. I'll do that when I get back online on Monday.