Saturday, January 31, 2015

Bridging the Infertility Gap

My goal, this year, is to be a voice for infertility. I see a gap of misunderstanding between infertiles and fertiles and I would like to see it bridged.

When we were fighting our infertility, we kept it to ourselves. No one knew that there were days I could hardly get out of bed, the depression was so intense. My entire being focused on becoming pregnant. Every breathe I breathed I hoped and prayed. Each month, when I realized I wasn't, I would lie on the floor and weep.

But each day, when I left my house, I would paste a fake smile on my face and hide my pain from the world. And yet, I expected them to show compassion. As my husband would say, I was expecting them to read my mind. I was expecting them to see my pain and comfort me, even though I did my best to have my actions speak differently.

At the lowest of my depression, I was borderline suicidal. I hadn't started to plan my death, but I had started to believe that life was not worth living. That is when I realized I need help. I needed to find another purpose to life.

I have learned, there is more to life than having babies and raising them. But I had to walk a long, dark path to get to where I am now. I hope that I can help others on their journey. And I hope I can help everyone have understanding on the other side.

I don't know how often I will blog, but I will try to do a short one now and then. I feel like it will be easier to do short posts vs try to speak all the thoughts I've had in one long post, so stay tuned.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Dear Stranger

I know the chances of you reading this are pretty much zero. You don't me and I don't know you.

Recently, I stumbled onto an adoption story and I thought of you. A couple was chosen about a month before the baby was due. The person mention that another couple had been considered, but she was having doubts, so she changed her mind.

Now let me take a moment here. That is the birth mom's choice, as it should be. The adoption process is about the baby and the birth mom, as it should be. It is her choice. I'm not questioning that. This post isn't about the birth mom and her own grief. Or the adoptive couple. Take them out of the scenario. I'm just looking at a stranger that is going thru their own type of grief.

 I just want to acknowledge your loss. You were hoping to bring home a baby and at the last minute it feel through. Maybe you had a name picked out. Maybe you had a nursery set up. Now, all you have is a broken heart.

If you had miscarried the baby, you would have something a little more tangible. But all you had was hope & love and now it is gone.

I remember trying to go on with life, like nothing had happened. But inside, I was devastated. I think one of the things that has bothered me most is how NO ONE ever acknowledges our dream and its heartbreak ending. (I got flowers when my sister announced her pregnancy. But when we lost our hope & dreams of a baby, nothing.)

So it is my hope, by some fate, you will stumble onto this blog post. Please know, I feel your loss. I have shed tears for you. I have prayed that God will give you comfort. Please know that I love you.