Friday, December 24, 2010


I've worked so hard to make Christmas amazing this year. I started my shopping in October, and for the most part, I was finished before Dec. 1. This year my homemade gifts were finished 2 WEEKS before Christmas instead of 5 hours before Christmas morning. I thought of the PERFECT gift for my husband and when I realized I wouldn't be able to find it, I instead started to buy EVERYTHING for him that I could think of. (Except a gun, I can't pick that out by myself and he is saving his Santa money for one on his own.) I have presents hidden in my house, my in-laws house and at work. Now I just need to sort them into Christmas gifts and Birthday presents and get them all wrapped. I worked hard on my own list and set Josh up his own checking account so he could surprise me this year. I even bought myself one gift and opened it last night because I just can't bear the excitement much longer. Josh doesn't care for Christmas music, but that hasn't stopped me from listening to it at work and on my iPod. I am determined that this will be the best Christmas we've had in years.

So why am I in tears today?

Because this was supposed to be the best Christmas ever. So many years of hoping. So many years of saying "Maybe next year we will have a baby." Last year we were finally able to say, "This is our last year just the two of us." Last year was exciting, mostly because we were already thinking about this year.

I've tried so hard to not think about it. I've watched Josh play Santa and I've tried to forget that this years Christmas card was going to be him dressed as Santa with me and our baby sitting on his lap. Each time I've bought a present, I've tried to not think about what I'd rather be buying. I actually thought I saw two babies at my moms house during her dinner, but then I blinked and realized there was only my nephew.

I've tried to forget that our baby would be six months old now. When we first learned the due date, we immediately counted six months. Josh's family went though the temple on his birthday. It was the most amazing day ever. We were hoping that we could choose that as our sealing date.

I think that is why I have worked so hard on Christmas this year. So I can forget about the Christmas we had hoped for.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Baby Dream

I had a dream the other night that has really bothered me.

In my dream I was playing with a baby and his diaper got real dirty, as in it was leaking every where dirty. I looked around for someone to change it, but I couldn't find anyone. So I changed the diaper myself. Just as I finished a women came in and started yelling at me for changing her baby's diaper. I tried to explain it was leaking and how I didn't want him to get diaper rash, but she just kept yelling at me, "This isn't your baby!" Then later in my dream I was playing with a baby. I would grab his toes and he would giggle. Then he would grab his own toes and giggle some more. We played this game for quite a while. Then the same thing happened. A group of people came in and started yelling at me for playing with a baby that wasn't mine. They just kept yelling "This isn't your baby."

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

The haunted pink room

Our home has three bedrooms; the master bedroom, the back room and the pink room. The back room is the smallest. For years it has doubled as my craft room and Josh's whatever room (i.e. hunting stuff, reloading stuff, etc.). I've tried to draw a line in that room to keep my side clean from his clutter. I've asked him to not put stuff on my shelf or table. My side stays somewhat organized. His side is a mess that slowly grows and finds its way to my side.

The pink room was just kind of dubbed the baby room, even though we have always called it the pink room. For years it has been a kind of, but not really nursery, and a overflow for when the back room gets full. At times it has been set up as a nursery with the pack and play, the swing, and the high chair set up. At other times those have been folded up and literally stuffed into the closet (they are too big, the closet doesn't close when they are in there). The pack and play has been used maybe 5 times in the four years we have owned it on the rare occasion that I was asked to babysit. And even then, once the mother brought her own pack and play with her. The swing has never been used, at least not for a baby. There have been lonely time where I would go in there and just turn it on and pretend. The high chair has gotten a little bit more use, but even then, not really. I'm tired of storing these items. I'm tired of having a room I don't use.

So its time to go in and knock down the cobwebs (both literal and imagined). But when I go in there, all I do is cry. Cry for what never was. Cry for what almost was. Cry for what most likely will never be. I've decided the room is haunted.

I went in tonight to start to gather a few things that I am donating to a friend for her Christmas Project to provide items to the women's shelter. A few years ago another friend gave me a HUGE garbage bag full of baby boy clothes. I thought I'd start by adding them to my donation pile. That was easy. Then I started going through the stuff I bought. The little boy and little girl outfits I bought because I was in the baby section buying something for a gift for someone else and I just couldn't leave without buying something for me.

And the blankets, oh the blankets I hold so tenderly in my heart. The first one is a cow one that I looked FOREVER for when we first decided to adopt. At that point we were thinking of just looking for a little boy and I was determined to decorate the room (which we would paint blue) in little farm animals. I looked all over the web and couldn't find anything I liked. So then I started looking at fabrics so I could have bedding custom made. Then one day on Ebay, I found it. It was PERFECT. When I got it, I set it up in the Pack and Play just so I could see it every time I went in the room.

Then when we were approved to adopt and our profile was published I bought matching John Deere Blankets in green and pink to celebrate. I bought the green one first on Ebay, but then I decided I needed a pink one too for just in case. (By that time we had decided to be open to any gender). The green blanket came with a little matching pillow. When the seller listed the pink set, it included a small receiving blanket along with the quilt and pillow. I emailed the seller and told them my situation and asked for if it would be possible to get a matching green receiving blanket. They told me if I was the winning bidder on the pink set, they would throw in the green blanket also. I was so excited about those blanket sets!  But they just sit in a box unopened and unused.

I am determined to get this room cleaned up and move my craft stuff into there. I would love to do it NOW but between the emotions and the pressure to finish up my Christmas projects it will probably have to wait. But I want to get it done just so I can get it over with. I've held on to this stuff to long. That's all it is anymore, just stuff. Stuff that seems to be holding me in a place I no longer want to be. I'm ready for the freedom that will come by letting go. In a book I am reading about infertility and moving on it said something to the effect of, as long as there is hope, there will also be pain. I completely agree. I'm ready for my life to move on.