Monday, May 11, 2009

Is it over?

Mother's Day is probably my LEAST favorite day of the year. With other holiday's, like Christmas and Easter, it is almost possible to skip over the fact that we don't have children, we just try to keep it very low key. But you can't do that for Mother's Day. It's impossible to wake up on that sunny Sunday morning and not think about it. It's Mother's Day... and I'm not a mother.

I fought with myself all week last week. Infertility was kicking my butt. But what can I do about that? I sluffed church yesterday. I almost had a valid excuse, but it fell through at the last moment and I could have went, but I didn't.

Because on the Mother's Day there is always the awkward moment..."Will all of the mothers please stand up and accept their flower?" For years I have ducked down low or left early so I wouldn't feel like I stuck out, but yesterday I didn't want to deal with it so instead I slept in. I know, not cool, but I was looking out for me.

Over the past few weeks I have struggled with something. It didn't quite feel right, but I couldn't stand not doing something to help lead us into parenthood. I even went as far as to make an appointment to look into it. I don't know if it would have been cheaper than adopting and I don't know if it would have been easier than adopting. But it might have increased our odds. All I could think was, maybe it will finally bless us with a child. But it just didn't feel right. Even when I tried to convince myself it would work and we would be parents, I still didn't want to go through with it.

So I told Josh it was up to him. And he drug his feet too. On Thursday night we were getting down to crunch time and I couldn't put it off much longer. Do we do this or not? I did the only thing I knew I could do, I prayed. I prayed harder than I have in a while. And then I listened. And then I knew. We need to adopt. I told Josh I wanted to cancel the appointment and he agreed. The relief I felt was incredible. I still don't have the answer as to when we will finally be parents, but I do know that we need to do it through adoption, and for a few moments that was all I needed.

Yesterday day was a tough day. Someone mentioned that so much has changed over the last 2 years. Really? The only change I can see is that we have a new truck and a dog. I feel like nothing has changed at all. I'm still on the edge waiting for something to happen.

I should pause and look at the positive things. Saturday night I got a very special email from a friend. Savannah , Happy Mothers Day, you are still a mother to all the children in the ward and to the world because of your mission on earth as a woman , you just love them and teach them and most of all set a good example for them. God loves you Savannah. Thank you for that. Then my wonderful loving husband made a great post while I was locked in the bathroom taking a relaxing bath. He really is something special and I am glad I get to share this trial with him.

I've mentioned before that I would love to have a child before the family missionaries start coming home. (I think both Dallon and my grandparents will come home about the same time in October.) That is 6 months away. As I was thinking about that last night I realized that if that happens, then our child could already be on the way and I was sad. If that is true, it means that yesterday our birth mom was a more active part of Mother's Day than we were. Has she already decided on adoption? If so, it must have been a hard day for her. I can't imagine the pain she is going through. She loves that life inside her so much. How will she be able to let go and give that child the life she wants it to have? I can only imagine that she will be able to do it because of her motherly love.



Meka said...

Infertility makes you feel like you are standing still, while everyone is racing past you, living life. At least for me thats is how I felt ARRGG! That is awesome you had that conformation "You need to adopt"! Hold on to that! Mothers day just sucks, I completely ditched church all together on mothers day before Eden. Ya thats how strong I am ha! Anyway, I was wondering if you had a button that you've made that says hoping to adopt or is there something you would like me to add to my blog for you guys? Maybe just the link to your adoption blog?

mandamike said...

I hope, wish, pray that you will become a mother soon. It is SO HARD waiting for someone else to give you the gift of motherhood. Just know that you have friends that are here for you and have been in your shoes.

Desi said...

What a beautiful and thoughtful email you got from your friend! Kind people like that really make a difference. We skipped church. Not to miss mother's day (which I usally try to do too) but because I hadn't seen my husband in two weeks and I was being selfish about needing "us" time.

I'm so excited that you have gotten answers to your prayers and know what you need to do! That is a huge hurtle passed. Unfortionatly, it leads to more waiting. But you have so many people praying for you! I love your blog and that I feel like I have a friend who knows what I'm going through!

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