Then I became desperate and started going to the doctor. I never felt peace during that time. There was so much stress. Start period, count this many days, start pills. Wait this many days. Take a pregnancy test; wait 3-5 minutes. BIG UGLY NEGATIVE. Return to start, do not collect a baby, and try again. It has been the most painful part of my life since I got married. And poor Josh stood by me through the entire thing. Or rather HE HELD ME the entire time.
THEN CAME THE PEACE. I had no idea that being told we couldn't have children would be so wonderful. The stress was just suddenly gone. I wasn't worried anymore. I felt relief.
When we started our paperwork we would work on it here and there, but I didn't feel a lot of pressure from myself to get it done. (Well that and it was like eating an elephant! You have to do it one bite at a time.)
In December 2007, I started to feel unsettled again so we finished the paperwork up and had our home study. When we got our approval letter, I relaxed again. I knew we needed a website, but it just wasn't a priority. I worked on it here and there, but was never happy with it so I just let it go.
Last October I had a brief moment of panic and finally got our website up. We talked about paying for an additional profile with ParentProfiles.com, but once again I just worked on it here and there when I felt like it. It just went online this week.
Don't get me wrong; I WANT TO BE A MOTHER. My life almost feels empty without a child and our home DEFINITELY is empty without a child, but it's been bearable.
Then the uneasy feeling started up again after Christmas. So I pressed forward and finished the other online profile. I really thought after I did that the pressure would GO AWAY.
But it hasn't and it doesn't seem to want to lessen any. Once again, I find myself crying for no reason. My arms have started to have that EMPTY ACHE again.