Monday, May 25, 2015

#MicroblogMonday: What to say?

Some days, I stare at the screen and wonder what I should write. I have dozens of unfinished posts in draft because I can't get them to come out the right way. Others, sit on a private journal because they feel to raw to share.

But then I remember how lost I felt during our infertility struggle. How I just wanted to find people who understood my pain. I cry when I think of those who are still in the dark days of infertility. Please know you aren't alone. Some of your journeys will end with a baby. Others, will not. But hopefully, you will all find peace.

You can find more of this weeks #MicroblogMondays posts HERE.

Monday, May 18, 2015

#MicroblogMonday: Turmoil & Grief

Over the last few months, my heart has been in turmoil. Its as if all of my infertility issues have come back to haunt me. My heart has been in constant turmoil for weeks now.

I'd go back and forth. "Maybe we should try again?" "But we're happy" "I just started school." At the end of the day, the logical part of my brain would say no. But then, a day or two later, I'd find myself in tears once again.

A few weeks ago, we had a guest speaker at church. Something she said really stuck with me. She was talking about how after she found Christ, she was overcome with grief about her marriage, which had ended several years previously. (I think she said 12 years, but I can't remember for sure.) She told us how, once she found Christ, it was like she could suddenly grieve her marriage.

That was just what I needed to hear.

By the time we had decided to pull our adoption profile, we didn't go to church much. And even when we did go, our hearts weren't into it. That's not to say I didn't pray about closing our profile, because I did. We had been talking about it for months and it just reached the point where it was time to decide one way or the other. In the end, we felt ok about closing our profile and moving on.

After listening to this lady, I realized, I don't think I ever fully grieved my infertility in full. We grieved when we realized we couldn't conceive on our own, but we moved on to adoption. At that point, I still believed I would be a mother someday. After we were unchosen, we grieved, but it was over the loss of the baby girl.

I don't think I've ever fully acknowledged my infertility as a whole. At each stage, there was still some hope. Then, when we were unchosen, I was too deep into the grief of that loss, that I couldn't acknowledge the loss of my dream of motherhood as a whole.

Since realizing this, I have done much better. I still have days where it gets to me, but its seems manageable now. I think I have a better understanding of what my heart is going through and I can hopefully find peace again.

You can find more of this weeks #MicroblogMondays posts HERE.

Monday, May 11, 2015

#MicroblogMonday: Post Mother's Day

Can I just say, I think yesterday was the most peaceful Mother's Day I've ever had? As the weekend started, I kept expecting to get anxious, but I never did.

I think several factors helped.

1) We always turn that day into a celebration of the other spouse. So its not Mother's Day, but Savannah's Day. In June, we will have Josh's Day. We buy each other a gift and then that person gets to decide what they want to do that day. This year, Josh gave me some charms for my Pandora bracelet and a new necklace. Then he picked out two cards. A sappy romantic one from him, and then a cute humorous one from him and the fur-babies, which included an iTunes gift card from the fur-babies.

2) Maybe I'm selfish, but I find it hard to celebrate Mother's on that day. I was talking with a friend this weekend, and told her, "I love my mom every day. But when it comes to Mother's Day, I have a hard time focusing on that love because I'm too caught up in my own grief of what never was." That day always makes it harder on me. So I choose to avoid mother's on that day. Its nothing against them, I just am usually in such a horrid state of mind that I can't be around others.

3) Church was amazing this year. Its probably been 8 years since I've been to church on that dreaded day. I just couldn't handle it. But over the past few months, I've developed a much deeper relationship with God. I always considered myself a religious person, but I'm not starting to realize, I was never a spiritual person. I've had some amazing changes take place in my heart and soul. I have a deeper love for my Savior than ever before. I think that is one of the biggest reasons this year was so much easier. Our pastor did a beautiful job of acknowledging mothers in all walks of life.

You can find more of this weeks #MicroblogMondays posts HERE.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Weirdest Advice Ever

Over the years, I have received a lot of advice on how to get pregnant. But yesterday, I think I received the most strange advice ever.

I was helping some customers in my office. While I was doing entering stuff into the computer, they noticed the pictures of my nephews. He asked, "Is that your baby?" I told him no, it was my nephew. This is the conversation that followed.

Him: "Which one is your baby?"

Me: "None of them. I have 5 nephews."

Him: "You don't have any babies! Are you married?"

Me: "Yes, I've been married 14 years."

Him: "14 years and no baby! You need to eat horse meat."

Me: (stammering for a response) "Uh, well, I eat elk meat."

Him: "No, you eat horse meat, you have baby."

Add that to the list of weirdest conversations ever.

Monday, May 4, 2015

#MicroblogMonday: Mother's Day

For the past several years, we have been out of town for Mother's Day. I'm not sure when it happened, but it somehow turned into a tradition.

This year, we aren't going anywhere. Josh asked me where I wanted to go this year, but I looked at the calendar and already had plans for the day before. We talked about leaving that night, but I decided I'm okay to try staying home this year.

Its been nice to escape every year. Mother's Day is one of the hardest days for me. Years ago, we decided to make it a special day for me and Father's Day a special day for him. But even then, it still stung a little bit.

I've also decided to go to church that day. I've been so much happier with this congregation that I think I'll be okay. They all are such sweet spirits so I don't think it will be as overwhelming and unbearable as it was in the past. Just another reason I'm so happy I found this church. But more importantly, because of them and their example, I've been able to develop a much better relationship with Christ.

If all else fails, I know I'll still be getting a gift that day from my wonderful husband. I picked out a few charms for my Pandora bracelet and a new necklace. I've also dropped hints that flowers would be nice too.

You can find more of this weeks #MicroblogMondays posts HERE.