I've thought more about my post the other day. I was having a bad day, and one thing led to another, and lost control. I complained to one friend, who didn't get it. So then I complained to another friend, who did. That's why I love you H!
I kept thinking "why is this bothering me so much?" (Sorry I'm going to have to remain slightly vague here.) But then it dawned on me, its because I'm tired of living in the shadow of others. And if this thing does happen, I will once again, be in the shadow.
Its just that sometimes, the shadow gets so big that I fear it will swallow me.
Right now, there are a lot of pregnancies around me. (Why do those always come in waves?) I can joke, because I've never been pregnant, but seriously, those growing bellies are casting shadows on me. (Sorry ladies, pun intended. But really, your bellies are beautiful.) With some people, every conversations revolves around their belly. And after 9 months, it just gets old. There has got to be something else going on in your life; you are not JUST a pregnant belly.
Now I just sound bitter, and I don't mean to. I'm actually happy for these growing babies. I wouldn't let a lady move her chair the other night because I didn't want her to strain herself. And I'm hoping like crazy another lady is going to have a girl, so she won't be so out numbered by the boys anymore. I gave another lady a gift and wished it could have been more
I'm not bitter, I just need a break from it all.
This looming shadow isn't pregnancy related, but it still touches a very tender part of my infertility. I've realized, that the first big blow on my infertility, is still the one that hurts the most. After all these years, those relationship are still damaged.
Sometimes, they try to mend it. But I push them away. Then, when I feel like I'm ready to get closer, they are still mad at me and want nothing of it. I know its my fault for being so bitter and hateful, but that event was so crushing to my soul, I feel like it will never mend.
I've let it define me, and I shouldn't.
So, once again, I'm going to try and mend things. When I think of the whole situation, I will only allow myself to think happy thoughts. No more dealing on the past. It is what it is, and its time to finally let go and move on.
If the shadow approaches, I will have to find a way to redirect it.
1 day ago