Wednesday, April 29, 2009


That has been my day! Last week we submitted our paperwork on a possible adoption situation. I didn't hear anything back, and it was pretty costly so I decided to not follow through with it.

(UP) Today my cell phone rang while I was with a customer. I let it go to voicemail. A few minutes later I listened to the message. It was that agency! I couldn't make the call for about 15 minutes until my break. By the end of that 15 minutes I was convinced he was calling to say she picked us!

(DOWN) No, they've not heard back from her yet. But would we be interested in getting the paperwork with them so they can present us to all birthmoms that come there?

(UP) Sure, we'd love to. Then it was my turn for my eye appointment, so I said I would call him back.

(UP) He called to say that they had a birth mom that just started to dialate and the potential family she picked had backed out. Could he show her our info? Yes please!

(UP) Their paperwork doesn't look too intensive...I need to redo our picture pages, but I want to do that anyways...

(DOWN) Oh, all of their fees are pretty costly. But everyone outside of LDSFS seems to be costly...

(DOWN) I emailed my support group to see what they thought of the agency (The Adoption Center). Bad news, nobody thinks positive of them. They said they seem greedy and have a ton of hidden fees and they don't seem to take care of anyone but themselves.

So now I feel like I am back at square one. Continue to wait on LDSFS and hope that SOMETHING happens! It was nice that the above agency showed our profile to two separate birthmoms in one week! I don't think anyone has looked at our paper profile with LDSFS in the past 14 months! I have decided that if we do take the leap into the expensive agencies than I want to go with A Guardian Angel Adoptions. They are the ones I have been the most impressed with.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Infertility 101

Infertility 101: Get the facts

Myth: Infertility is a women's problem.

Fact: This is untrue. It surprises most people to learn that infertility is a female problem in 35% of the cases, a male problem in 35% of the cases, a combined problem of the couple in 20% of cases, and unexplained in 10% of cases. It is essential that both the man and the woman be evaluated during an infertility work-up.

Myth: Everyone seems to get pregnant at the drop of a hat.

Fact: More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. When you seek support, you will find that you are not alone. Join RESOLVE, a support group, or talk with others who are struggling to build a family, so that you won't feel isolated.

Myth: It's all in your head! Why don't you relax or take a vacation. Then you'll get pregnant!

Fact: Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system. While relaxing may help you with your overall quality of life, the stress and deep emotions you feel are the result of infertility, not the cause of it. Improved medical techniques have made it easier to diagnose infertility problems.

Myth: Don't worry so much -- it just takes time. You'll get pregnant if you're just patient.

Fact: Infertility is a medical problem that may be treated. At least 50% of those who complete an infertility evaluation will respond to treatment with a successful pregnancy. Some infertility problems respond with higher or lower success rates. Those who do not seek help have a "spontaneous cure rate" of about 5% after a year of infertility.

Myth: If you adopt a baby you'll get pregnant!

Fact: This is one of the most painful myths for couples to hear. First it suggests that adoption is only a means to an end, not an happy and successful end in itself. Second, it is simply not true. Studies reveal that the rate for achieving pregnancy after adopting is the same as for those who do not adopt.

Myth: Why don't you just forget it and adopt? After all, there are so many babies out there who need homes!

Fact: For many, adoption is a happy resolution to infertility. But choosing how to build your family is a very personal decision. Learning about all the ways to build a family can open your eyes to options you may not have thought of as a possibility. Education is key to finding resolution.

Myth: Maybe you two are doing something wrong!

Fact: Infertility is a medical condition, not a sexual disorder.

Myth: My partner might leave me because of our infertility.

Fact: The majority of couples do survive the infertility crisis, learning in the process new ways of relating to each other, which deepens their relationship in years to follow.

Myth: Perhaps this is God's way of telling you that you two aren't meant to be parents!

Fact: It is particularly difficult to hear this when you are struggling with infertility. You know what loving parents you would be, and it is painful to have to explain to others that you have a medical problem.

Myth: Infertility is nature's way of controlling population.

Fact: Zero population growth is a goal pursued in a time of world overpopulation, but it still allows for couples to replace themselves with two children. Individuals or couples can certainly elect the option to be childfree or to raise a single child. Infertility, for those who desire children, denies them the opportunity to choose.

Myth: I shouldn't take a month off from infertility treatment for any reason... I just know that this next month will be THE one!

Fact: It is important periodically to reassess your treatment and your parenting goal. Continuity in treatment is important, but sometimes a break can provide needed rest and renewal for the next steps.

Myth: I'll be labeled a 'trouble maker' if I ask too many questions.

Fact: The physician/patient team is important. You need to be informed about what treatments are available. What is right for one couple may not be right for another, either physically, financially, or emotionally. Don't be afraid to ask questions of your doctor.

A second opinion can be helpful. If needed, discuss this option with your physician.

Myth: I know I'll never be able to stop treatment until I have a pregnancy.

Fact: Pregnancy is not the only pathway to parenthood. You may begin to think more about parenthood than about pregnancy. You may long for your life to get back to normal. You may consider childfree living or begin to think of other ways to build a family.

Myth: I've lost interest in my job, hobbies, and my friends because of infertility. No one understands! My life will never be the same!

Fact: Infertility is a life crisis -- it has a rippling effect on all areas of your life. It is normal to feel a sense of failure that can affect your self-esteem and self-image. You will move through this crisis. It is a process, and it may mean letting go of initial dreams. Throughout this process, stay informed about the wide range of options and connect with others facing similar experiences.

I have so many comments of my own that I want to add to each of these myths, but it really is well written, so I will continue to keep my thoughts to myself.



Jessica said...

I'm coping this post for my blog. Hope you don't mind and thanks for sharing!

Ashley said...

I know that I can't truly understand what you and Josh go through on a daily basis but remember if you need a new audience to vent you can always talk to me. I don't mind hearing all the positive AND negative things about what you guys are going through. Everyone has their own battles to fight and you'll always need whatever support in that you can get!

Lucy said...

Thanks for stopping by and commenting on my blog. I LOVE meeting new people. And your blog is grea!

Sue and Tim said...

I think this was great for you to post. It is such an eye opener to the people who don't know what it is like. This shows how we really feel inside and what we go through. All the silly questions and things people say. Thank you so much for sharing this was excellent.

Elizabeth and Brian said...

I am deeply hurt by the many people who tell me that I will get pregnant now that I have adopted. It is very insulting and I hope no one ever says that in front of Elora. Thank you for the post.

Lady Jane said...

I stumbled across your blog via Tia's and felt the need to comment. I also can't have kids and I know why they had warned me ahead of time. I feel for you and I hope that you get that call very, very soon!!!!

Monday, April 20, 2009

Male Infertility...I had no idea!

Yep, we got it. Josh was tested just over 2 years ago. We drove 2 hours to Provo (I had to bribe him with a trip to Cabelas) because a friend told me they did a more comprehensive test. Not that it ended up making a difference. You can't run extra test where there is NO sperm.
Before we got the results back we knew they wouldn't be good (although we weren't hadn't expected a ZERO). But when we did we moved on forward to adoption.

Until a few months ago I had no idea that they prefer to have you do a test and then a few weeks later do another test, just in case something was wrong (like an infection for example). I also had no idea that they can do other tests to see if there is simple reason, like blockage. See how horrible my doctor truly was. He had no followup WHAT SO EVER! I am so glad he is retired! I wouldn't recommend him to ANYONE!

But then someone in my group started to mention further testing for her husband. My response... they can do that? I didn't know. I just assumed that zero meant zero.

But lately the thought won't leave me alone. What if? I have fought it for a few weeks now. Out of curiosity I looked at our insurance and there is a doctor that comes to our local hospital about twice a month for this kind of thing. I had no idea! I stewed it over for several days and finally said something to Josh last night. He said to make him an appointment. He is ready to be a daddy and will do whatever he needs to! Isn't he great!

So I just did. It's on May 13th. I have no idea what to expect. I'm hoping in the mean time maybe this possible situation will work out and we won't have to worry about it. I have a continues Pros vs. Cons list running through my head.
*It's something simple and fixable
*We get pregnant
*We have a baby
It's a short list, but I like the ending. But then there is the other list.

*It will be a waste of time, there really is nothing there.
*Even if we can fix it, I have PCOS and I know it is not under control right now. (I do have an appt., but its not until June).
*What if I do get pregnant and then miscarry. Could I live with the heartache? I know others do and my heart aches for them so much! But I can't help but think that I will have brought it upon myself since I decided to pursue a pregnancy.
*Which brings me to the most stressful part, that stupid waiting game. I DO NOT MISS taking a pregnancy test. When we decided to adopt I had a few tests in my cupboard, I THREW THEM AWAY and I was happy about it. I hated the stress each month of wondering if this was it this time. I DO NOT WANT TO DO THAT AGAIN.
*I don't want to become that statistic, you know the one. "You should try adoption. Josh and Savannah did and then they had one on their own." Adoption doesn't cause a pregnancy! If we were to become pregnant after this it would be because we sought further medical help!

I set the appointment, but I don't know I feel about it. I do want to be a mother! But I don't know if I want to do it the "natural" way anymore. I have made so many friends in the adoption world, and after we decided to adopt I found a peace I hadn't had for years. I don't want to give that back up again. But it's bothering me enough that I finally called the doctors office. One of my friends finally helped me make the decision. She said that knowledge is power.

Maybe it will just help take my mind off of the adoption waiting game. It is started to wear and tear on me, I need to direct my mind elsewhere.

A possible situation

I just mailed our paper profile to an agency. I am so nervous! I also talked with him on the phone to line up a few more things like our home study and back ground check. The baby is due the end of May and its a boy. A BOY! Wouldn't that be fun. I've always wanted my oldest to be a boy.
It looks like it will cost about $28,000. YIKES! I don't want to spend that much. We have turned down a few possible situations because of the amount. Some were less than that. But each time I saw them, I just thought, we can't afford that, and then we didn't do anything to pursue it. But last night when I got the email, I couldn't think about the price. All I could see was a baby. I don't know if that is a sign or if I am just feeling more desperate. I wish I could understand my feelings right now.

At first I didn't want to tell ANYONE because I don't want to deal with the heartache, but I feel that this young women needs all the prayers she can get right now. She is only 18 and right now she is making the tough decision, quite possibly the toughest decision she will ever have to make in her life.

I want to get excited, but I am fighting it. I don't want to hope to hard and then have her choose someone. If the others from the email submit their profiles too, she will have some great couples to choose from. I would choose any of them if I were in her situation. I'm sure it will be a tough situation. I am just praying that she can do what is best for her child.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Out of control emotions

Some days it just seems so hard to function. I try to not let our childless lives affect me, but it still does. EVERYTHING is a constant reminder that I am not a mother. Like today... a gal came in to pay on her bill. She is my age. I was married first, but I don't know by how long. I would guess at least a year. She now has 4 children and each one has a different father. It just makes me mad. I know I shouldn't judge, but given her lifestyle it's no surprise. I don't think she even knows which one goes to which dad. I know with two of the children she was married when she became pregnant, but she was pretty sure it was her boyfriends baby so she left her husband to go to the boyfriend. Kids need a more stable environment than that! And I won't even get started on the countless thousands that don't buckle their children up. My response...when a drunk driver hits you and your child flies through the windshield you will miss his cries after he's gone! But I just get scowled at because I'm not a mother and I have no understanding of how hard it is to raise a child.

Other days I just want to cry. No reason, I just want to curl up in a corner and cry. Some times its so bad I have to escape to the restroom to get better control of my emotions. And it's always for the stupidest reason. A few weeks ago I asked for a container for sorting purposes. The guy just belittled me and kept telling me to do it differently. While he was standing there, I did figure something out, and I actually liked it better than my original idea. But he just kept going on and on about all the space I have and how I need to utilize it better. That was probably a month ago and just thinking about it I still want to cry. Or today, they got after me for spraying some room spray. We have a few gals that have allergies, but I've been using it for months and they never complained, but apparently with the air conditioner back on for the season it is affecting them. Okay, no problem. I've already put the spray away and found something that they will let me use. But I just let it upset me.

Now I sound like I don't like my job! But I do. I love this job. There is just a few people that rub me wrong. Is it because our personalities clash or is it because I am so emotionally unstable that I upset easily. And it's not just work. There is a dozen times during the day where I just want to cry. I don't because then I feel stupid. What do I have to cry about? I just feel like crying isn't going to fix anything so why bother.

But then sometimes I let it build up too much and then I kind of loose it and I take it out on Josh and sometimes his family. I don't mean to do that. But I can only be strong for so long before the dam breaks and the flood gates open.

I don't think I'm unhappy with life. I have a lot. I have the most wonderful husband EVER. Both our families live close. We have a nice home with gorgeous views. We both have jobs.

I just wish I knew what to do. Sometimes I think about getting a blessing, but I don't want to admit I'm weak and need help. And when things get real bad I wonder if I need professional help, but I don't want to do that either. I did get a doctor's appt. to try and get my PCOS under control, but that isn't until June. I just want to feel "normal". To not let every little thing upset me.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

A Small Grain of Hope

We launched our Parent Profile on January 26th. I really didn't know how I felt about it. It's $50 a month! That seems like a lot to me, especially since we are trying to save every spare dime for adoption, and pay for school on top of that. But we want to be parents and I really want to adopt an infant and so we went ahead with it. The cool part is that they keep track of how many times your profile is seen in one form or another. They have several other "sister sites" and they will highlight a few on those so that increases our exposure. They keep a total count, but you can't take the big number seriously. In some form or another our picture has been up 30,982 times! WOW. But when you break it down, it's not as big.

The important numbers to me are:
Birth mother letter: 836 views
About us: 168 views
Album: 152 views
Favorites: 91 views
Journal: 87 views - that is a lot since we haven't posted anything there. The other day I did add a few things since it is being looked at. I want to link our blog there, but parent profiles won't let you list a website. I think I have found a way around that, but I am still working out the details.
Contact us: 67 views - that number is to me, the important number. They are still interested enough to think about contacting us. Of those 67 views I'm sure a few are family just checking our profile out. Then I had one distant uncle email me through that. I was so MAD! But I emailed back and gave him my email address so hopefully he will be better. Than we had the gal that tried to scam us call and that is where she got our phone number. Than we had the girl that was looking for her pregnant sister; we never heard back from her. Earlier this week we had an agency contact us about a situation they have, but it is way out of our price range. So in about 2-1/2 months we've averaged one contact a month. I'm still not sure how I feel about that.

I was checking our adoption email every hour, hoping for something. I finally realized that was causing to much anxiety on my account, so now I only check it 2 or 3 times a day (okay some days I still check it more like 5 or 6). But I haven't looked at the stat counter on Parent Profiles for about a month.

On Sunday I got on and a new stat was showing.
Added to favorites: 1.
That to me seems like a big deal! Someone likes us enough to bookmark us. I just got on again and that number is now 2! Maybe the agency marked us the first time, but someone else has marked us now!!! I am so excited. But no email yet.

It's been enough to give me a little bit of hope again.

Monday, April 6, 2009

What Have People Done Right

A few weeks ago on my LDS Adoption Support Group we had a great thread about what people have done to help us with our infertility struggle. I will have to keep thinking of things to add to this list because I really enjoy reading it.

- When we were struggling with our infertility in the beginning we didn't tell anyone. I'm sure several of you hear also chose to "suffer in silence." One Sunday the RS President stopped me in the hall and she told me that she had the impression to put my name on the temple prayer roll. That was it. Didn't ask what was wrong, just thought of us and she didn't even know she needed to.

- Right after we decided to adopt, my grandma had a heart attack. We went to see her and my grandpa at the hospital. While we were there we told them that we had decided to adopt. They were so wonderful. My grandpa told me to remember the most important thing about his grandchildren is that they look like him. He said it didnt' matter what our child looked like or where they came from, he knew they would look like him. No wonder he's my favorite grandpa.
- I have a friend that is super sensitive about my feelings. And I love her for it. When she became pregnant she called me up to tell me and I could tell she was so scared to how I would react. But she didn't want me to hear it from anyone else. And she is super great when I am around her and her toddler. My in-laws make me for so out of place around my nephew, but this friend lets me interact with her little girl, she encourages it.

- Another friend had a baby about 5 months ago. She told me that I never need to ask if I want to hold, I just need to take him and hold him. She had another member of the ward give her 2 garbage bags full of baby clothes. She brought me one of the bags and said she would never be able to use everything that was given to her.

- On a blessing day in church the family choose to attend all of church before going home for the dinner. They came in late to Sunday School and sat right in front of us. I'm sure I looked at the baby like I was a woman dying of thirst. They let me hold her!

- I think the funniest thing is, every time someone in my support groups adopts they are so super sensitive to everyone else's feelings. They are almost apologetic because they beat us to parent hood. But after having several announcements like that come up, I now understand. I am so happy for them, but sometimes it is hard to trudge forward while feeling left behind.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

I put the baby stuff away

I couldn't look at the nursery anymore so I packed everything into the closet. Two years ago we decided to adopt. Two years ago we bought the swing, the highchair and the bassinet. For two years it has set in the bedroom just waiting to get used.

I used to go in and put batteries in everything and use them just to see them in action. I haven't done that for months, maybe even close to a year.

When we first started I wanted to specify a gender so I could better prepare. I hate gender neutral stuff like Winnie the Pooh. I wanted to deck the room out in pink galore or paint the pink walls a baby blue. We finally decided on a boy and I bought a bedding set. I searched everywhere for the perfect farm theme set. I went to fabric stores and looked for fabric to make my own. I finally found the perfect set on eBay. It's so cute.

Then we decided we were limiting ourselves and decided to go either gender. When our file was finally approved I went to eBay and bought a John Deere blanket/pillow set in pink and green so I could have something for when "the call" came. They are so beautiful. I am in love with the pink one. But they're just sitting in a box...

I just don't want to look at the stuff right now. Sure, we keep that door closed, but I knew it was there.

The room looks so bare now, so void of life. Good thing we keep the door closed