Saturday, November 29, 2008

Our Infertility History

I feel like this posting should come with a warning attached. These are my most intimate thoughts and should not be taken lightly. Some things I want to say may upset some of those who read this. I am sorry if it does, but I can no longer hide these emotions and thoughts. Maybe it will give you more insight into why I have been the way I have been the last few years. I have read other posts like this and I want to scream "that's me they are talking about!" I've decided that maybe it is a part of the healing process that I continue to go through and maybe by putting these thoughts down they will help me heal more. Oh, and it will be quite a long post. I only want to have to do this once so I am trying to get it all out.

Looking back at how far we have come and how long it has taken has made me stop and realize just how long we have been waiting for a family now. I've seen several people that have posted their infertility journey. I have started to a few times, but it seems too heart bearing and I usually end up crying. So despite the feelings I may upset someone and the chance that I will be crying soon, here is our infertility journey and a few things that infertility has taught me.

*Start birth control when we married. Our parents thought we were "too young" to have kids. We just liked being married.
*After about 10 months I went off the birth control. It made me terrible sick. I decided pregnancy couldn't be any worse. We decided that if it happened great, if not, great.
*In 2005 we decided that we were ready to have kids. We thought all we needed was a lot of "lovin'" and prayer and our baby would come.
*Our 6th anniversary, we spent at the doctor's office getting Josh tested. Don't worry I soothed him over by taking him to Cabala’s.
*Before the results came back we knew that we needed to adopt. I think Josh knew before the test and just didn't dare say anything.
*February 2007 - we talked to our bishop about adopting through LDSFS. He said he would get a hold of the caseworker and get him in touch with us.
*May 2007 - we finally realized that you have to contact the caseworker yourself. All they need from your bishop is a letter of reference.
*The paperwork one has to fill out for adoption is overwhelming. They want to know everything about you and your family. And you have to do everything twice because they want to hear it from each spouse.
*Summer 2007 - We attended our first birthmother panel. It was AMAZING! Those girls are AMAZING! Adoption is such a wonderful thing. We also attended our first National Adoption Conference. That too was AMAZING!
*October 2007 – I set up my own “deadline.” If we can have a baby by the time the missionaries in our family come home that would be great.
*December 2007 - We had to hurry and buy a Christmas tree and decorate the house because our caseworker wanted to do our home study and we didn't want to look like a bunch of grinches. I was having a hard time getting into the holiday mood that year. It seems to get worse each year...
*December 2007/January 2008 - we found out that even when our caseworker approves our profile, headquarters in SLC still has to approve it too. That guy kept taking days off. It seemed to take forever before we finally received the letter that said we were "paper pregnant."
*August 2008 - I sunk down into another dark hole. Infertility can come out of nowhere and take you off you feet. I couldn't stop crying for 2 days. The reason is quite personal and I know it will upset some so I don't think I will share it right now... Josh suggested I get help. I agreed and joined the support group. They have been so wonderful and uplifting.
*October 2008 - Realize that my "deadline" is halfway over! Called our caseworker; no one has looked at us yet. But it was the incentive I needed to finish our website.
*November 2008 - our 1st adoption profile is now online.

Since then it seems like all we have done is wait. Each time our caseworker calls my heart stops beating. Could this be the call?!?! No such luck. It's time to update this paperwork, it's time to do your webpage, it's time for.... But it's never THE CALL that we are hoping for.
In no particular order here are some things that I have learned from Infertility:
*Sometimes prayer ISN'T enough. Sometimes you need to figure things out on your own.
*Patience is a virtue...and it's one that I've had to work really hard on.
*Even though cats think they are humans, they don't want to be treated like children.
*Sometimes you can do everything the "right" way, but that doesn't guarantee you the things you expected.
*It's hard to shop for baby showers.
*Some people are nice and let you hold their babies. Others are mean and think since you have no children you don't know how to handle one.
*Saying that you want to baby-sit doesn't mean that people will actually let you baby-sit for them. Probably has something to do with the above thought...
*When people treat you like you don't know what you are doing with a baby, it is probably best to ignore them.
*People will say innocent things...or at least that is probably how they meant it.
*People will say mean things...just ignore them.
*It's okay to cry.
*God will take the burden from you, as soon as you will give it to Him. He never gives it back unless you take it back yourself. And then He waits for you to give it back to Him, again.
*Being the only one married in both your families for 6 years doesn't mean you will be the 1st ones to parenthood.
*Being an aunt does not come naturally to everyone.
*Anyone can have a baby. Only special people get to adopt.
*Adopting is a lot more work than just having a baby.
*It's okay to get angry, but you shouldn't do it around friends & family.
*A good friend that will just listen can be the best thing in the world.
*People will try to make you feel better by only pointing out the "hard" parts of parenting and try to tell you that you are better off the way you are. It's hard to ignore them when they keep doing it.
*Infertility is something that requires going through the grieving process. It's a hard process to go through.
*Infertility really is the death of your children. You just don't have a place to go mourn over their loss.
*Being angry & mean will cost you relationships with family & friends. It's hard to build back those relationships to what they used to be.
*Not everyone will get excited when you announce you are going to adopt.
*My grandpa is the best. He told me to remember that ALL of his grandkids/great grandkids look like him and he knows our children will too.
*Sometimes the littlest moment can cause a setback on your healing. They come out of nowhere.
*You can think that you are okay with your infertility, but deep down I don't think one ever comes to complete terms with it.
*Everyone has trials and they are hard. Find others with the same trials and help each other through it.
*It's easier to mourn with those that mourn the same thing you are.
*On bad days you really should lock yourself up and not be around others or you will end up having your feelings hurt and hurting theirs as well.
*Not everyone loves Mother’s Day or any holiday for that matter.
*People will avoid talking about pregnancy around you. Others will talk with you about it like you should know everything they are talking about. It’s actually easier to be around those people who don’t ignore you. You just have to nod your head a lot.
*Arms can literally ache to hold a baby.



Elizabeth and Brian said...

Ditto I am sorry :(
I found my self-thinking ditto to about all you wrote.
It just plain hurts and fertiles just don't get it.

Cats are loving but don’t like dressing up. I keep thinking I should get a dog. Then I could dress it up and take him places like ward picnics.

Rachel said...

I totally remember being there. Infertility is SO HARD! So much of your list could have written by me. I remember how much my arms ached to hold a baby. I learned ways of coping such as just happening to be busy when baby showers were scheduled or on Mother's Day or the Sunday when everyone dedicated their babies. It was just too much for me and I had to realize that it was okay to just give myself that time.

Now my arms are very full, but through adoption. It is amazing to have my kids here and I wouldn't trade them for the world! Do I still wish I could have gotten pregnant? Yes, sometimes, but it's a tiny part of me now instead of a huge thing. I love my three (soon to be 4) kids and there is no way that having a biological child could have been any more wonderful than this is!

Joy does come in the morning. Hugs from someone who knows!