Monday, March 29, 2010

He Lives!

Every day is a new struggle. Why did we wait so long to just be looked at? (We started the adoption process three years ago.) In September of 2009, we had the chance to visit with a young mother on the phone. I begged and pleaded with the Lord to let this work for our family, knowing the entire time that it wasn't our baby. I remember the next morning posting on Facebook, "Its still early in the morning, but already I know the answer is no, and it breaks my heart."

Why was it so clear then that that situation wouldn't work out, but why did everything with C feel so different, like it would work out? Why were we chosen, only to later be unchosen? So many questions, and still not many answers. I think I'm okay with how things turned out with C, things happen and minds change. I understand that. But now my questions are for my Heavenly Father. Why must I suffer this heart break? Why after so much yearning, am I still childless? Why did we come so close, only to be so far again?

Today, comfort came in the form of a Swaperoos gift. I was in tears before I left the Post Office.

A charm from my favorite Etsy Store.

Last year my Swaperoo partner had a failed placement. I hope it is okay with her if I share part of her message to me.

"Anyway, something I found myself clinging to last Spring was the hymn I Know That My Redeemer Lives. The lyrics got me through a lot. I knew he could take pain and grief and sorrow from me, but it is a continual process to remember to access the Atonement as you travel down your path laden with twists and turns and roller coaster rides. The first package holds something special I custom ordered for you from The R House Couture (hence the two packages...that one is coming directly from Lindsey). Before you open it, I hope you'll read through the hymn and remember that Spring/Easter is a time of new beginnings and that He lives to take away your pain, wipe your tears away, and silence all your fears. I hope you love it!"

This used to be one of my favorite hymns, I'm surprised I had forgotten it until now. On the drive home, I tried to sing it, all I could remember was most of the second verse. Here is the lyrics to the entire song if you're like me and can't remember all of it.

I know that my Redeemer lives
What comfort this sweet sentence gives.
He lives, He lives who once was dead.
He lives, my ever living head.
He lives to bless me with his love.
He lives to plead for me above.
He lives my hungry soul to feed.
He lives to bless in time of need.

He lives to grant me rich supply.
He lives to guide me with his eye.
He lives to comfort me when faint.
He lives to hear my souls complaint.
He lives to silence all my fears.
He lives to wipe away my tears.
He lives to calm my troubled heart.
He lives all blessings to impart.

He lives, my kind, wise heavenly friend.
He lives and loves me to the end.
He lives and while he lives I'll sing.
He lives, my Prophet, Priest, and King.
He lives and grants me daily breath.
He lives, and I shall conquer death.
He lives my mansion to prepare.
He lives to bring me safely there.

He lives! All glory to his name.
He lives, my Savior, still the same.
Oh sweet, the joy this sentence gives:
"I know that my Redeemer lives!"
He lives! All glory to his name.
He lives, my Savior, still the same.
Oh sweet, the joy this sentence gives:
"I know that my Redeemer lives!"

Text: Samuel Medley, 1738-1799. Included in the first LDS hymnbook, 1835.
Music: Lewis D. Edwards, 1858-1921

When I got home, I remembered a seminary lesson many years ago. This is taken from my seminary journal, November 19, 1999:

"My favorite reason 'He lives' in Hymn #136 is 'He lives to comfort me with faint." I have felt his comfort before, so real that it seemed as if i was in his lap crying and that he was there offering me support and comfort.

Here is my own verse to this hymn -

He lives to hold me when I cry.
He lives to protect me from all lies.
He lives and watches me from above.
He lives and extends me all his love."

I will admit I am weak and I've had my moments when I've wanted to be mad at God. (I will also admit how relieved I was when our caseworker told me all the feelings and emotions I am experiencing are a normal part of the grief process.) But I can't be mad at God because I know that He does live, and He does hear my souls complaint. He has comforted me and He has helped calm my troubled heart. I find it odd I only wrote half verse all those years ago. Here is how I would end it:

He lives to grant me daily peace.
He lives, helping to build my eternity.
He lives to tell me if only I could see,
The promises He holds for me.

Thanks for the gift Megan, it was perfect.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

For My Broken Heart

Tuesday we were unchosen by our potential birth mom. I was at work when I got the email. I don't remember much more of that day except trying to hide the tears. On Wednesday I woke up to realize it wasn't a bad dream. I figured since the world was still turning, I might as well go to work. I made it through the day, but just barely. The most touching part of the day was when a co worker helped spread the word, so I wouldn't have to.

I don't think I can make it through another day of normalcy. We are taking the rest of the week off and are headed out of town.