I have been back and forth over getting further testing for Josh. Last night I really prayed about it. Not just a simple "should we" like I have been doing, but a desperate "I need an answer and I need it now."
To me, what it really came down to was, we test him and it comes back the same and we continue on the adoption path. Or we test him and it comes back that we can fix it and have a chance of becoming parents.
When I think of getting pregnant I get sick. I don't want to be pregnant. I go into a panic. What if I became pregnant and then miscarried. I have been following a blog this week and she is trying to miscarry. Things are wrong with the baby and she needs to let it go. I have friends and family that have miscarried. I can't even begin to comprehend their pain, and I don't want to.
And I know this reason isn't a big deal to some, but I DO NOT want to be the person who adopted and then became pregnant. Every time I started to think about becoming pregnant, I thought of announcing it to family and friends and I knew that we would get plastered with "See, you just needed to relax and not think about it." I didn't want to be that kind of example to others going through infertility. That's not how it works and I don't think I could ever get the world to understand. If we had become pregnant, it would have been because we sought medical help for our medical condition called Infertility.
And it may be vain, but I want to adopt because I want that to be what makes our family special. I don't want to loose the friends I have made in the adoption world. Some of these friends are so dear to me and I don't want to loose their friendship and I worry that if we did become pregnant I wouldn't have anything in common with them anymore. I know we would still have infertility problems in common, but I just don't want to loose the adoption bond. It's too important to me.
I have done a lot of crying and soul searching this past month. I want to be a mom. I can't stand the fact that I am about to go through another childless Mother's Day. It's been 8 years since we married, 7 years since we stopped all birth control methods.
So last night I PRAYED. I want to be a mother and I am tired of waiting. Do we go to the doctor on Wed. and start the medical nightmare again or do we continue to wait on adoption? The answer was clear to me. Just continue as you have been doing.
But then I had to tell Josh. I've asked him several times if he really wanted to go. I keep bugging him to decide what he really wants to do. He didn't like taking that test, did he really want to do it again? He wouldn't ever give me a straight answer, just "I'll think about it." So as we went to bed last night, I asked him again. He said he was only doing it for me. He wants to be a dad and he will do whatever he needs to to reach that goal.
I told him I didn't want him to go. Immediately the pressure went away. And when he agreed a great load lifted off of my shoulders, my entire being.
I am feeling a new calm that I have not felt in a long time. I am still stressed that we aren't parents yet, and there is no end in sight. But I have a peace in my spirit again. It still feels hard, but it also feels bearable. I know that Heavenly Father wants us to adopt.
17 hours ago