I have been back and forth over getting further testing for Josh. Last night I really prayed about it. Not just a simple "should we" like I have been doing, but a desperate "I need an answer and I need it now."
To me, what it really came down to was, we test him and it comes back the same and we continue on the adoption path. Or we test him and it comes back that we can fix it and have a chance of becoming parents.
When I think of getting pregnant I get sick. I don't want to be pregnant. I go into a panic. What if I became pregnant and then miscarried. I have been following a blog this week and she is trying to miscarry. Things are wrong with the baby and she needs to let it go. I have friends and family that have miscarried. I can't even begin to comprehend their pain, and I don't want to.
And I know this reason isn't a big deal to some, but I DO NOT want to be the person who adopted and then became pregnant. Every time I started to think about becoming pregnant, I thought of announcing it to family and friends and I knew that we would get plastered with "See, you just needed to relax and not think about it." I didn't want to be that kind of example to others going through infertility. That's not how it works and I don't think I could ever get the world to understand. If we had become pregnant, it would have been because we sought medical help for our medical condition called Infertility.
And it may be vain, but I want to adopt because I want that to be what makes our family special. I don't want to loose the friends I have made in the adoption world. Some of these friends are so dear to me and I don't want to loose their friendship and I worry that if we did become pregnant I wouldn't have anything in common with them anymore. I know we would still have infertility problems in common, but I just don't want to loose the adoption bond. It's too important to me.
I have done a lot of crying and soul searching this past month. I want to be a mom. I can't stand the fact that I am about to go through another childless Mother's Day. It's been 8 years since we married, 7 years since we stopped all birth control methods.
So last night I PRAYED. I want to be a mother and I am tired of waiting. Do we go to the doctor on Wed. and start the medical nightmare again or do we continue to wait on adoption? The answer was clear to me. Just continue as you have been doing.
But then I had to tell Josh. I've asked him several times if he really wanted to go. I keep bugging him to decide what he really wants to do. He didn't like taking that test, did he really want to do it again? He wouldn't ever give me a straight answer, just "I'll think about it." So as we went to bed last night, I asked him again. He said he was only doing it for me. He wants to be a dad and he will do whatever he needs to to reach that goal.
I told him I didn't want him to go. Immediately the pressure went away. And when he agreed a great load lifted off of my shoulders, my entire being.
I am feeling a new calm that I have not felt in a long time. I am still stressed that we aren't parents yet, and there is no end in sight. But I have a peace in my spirit again. It still feels hard, but it also feels bearable. I know that Heavenly Father wants us to adopt.
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This is great. You have to do what makes you two happy and not worry about what everyone else thinks because at the end of the day it is just the two of you. You will always have friends in the adoption world regardless what happens. If I got pregnant tomorrow I wouldn't want friends to not want to be my friend anymore. I would want them to be happy for me that we have been trying for so long and that we just had a miracle child. Miracles do happen and people do get prenant. Honestly if someone wasn't going to be friends with me because I became pregnant then they really were not my friend to begin with. You have to understand that. You never know you could adopt and get pregnant and that is okay. We don't have to sterotype as those people. We or those people went to a medical doctor did the test and doctor said you can't get pregnant. If by some chance you do get pregnant that is a miracle. Because like you said in previous posts that this is a medical condition. If you compared this to someone who had some sort of cancer and then you hear about those people in a few months it went away that to me is a miracle. It is not see those people didn't have a problem to begin with. The doctor gave them a diagnosis and has proof in photo's and now it is gone. We have to look to those people who went to a doctor about infertility and couldn't get pregnant and then did get prenant and say good for them. They had a miracle happen and that to me is fantastic. I would never put you down or not talk to you becuase of a miracle. I also think that it is great you came to a desion and you are both happy with it. That is what is important is that you both came to a desion together and are BOTH happy with it. It truly doesn't matter what desion you made just as long at the end of the day you are both on the same page and happy about it. I am happy for you both and hope this adoption goes better and faster for you.
ReplyDeleteI love the feeling, after praying and crying, that comes when you finally have your answer. :)
ReplyDeleteYou know what I said to those people who made the comment, "See! I told you you'd get pregnant as soon as you adopted!"
ReplyDelete"Yes, that and the massive amounts of medical intervention."
I've struggled with this too. Feeling like I would be a traitor to the adoption world if I were to get pregnant after adopting because of infertility.
You can't control these things. Nobody expects you to. You aren't adopting so you'll get special attention and kudos for doing "SUCH A GOOD THING!" You're being selfish just like every other woman who wants a baby. You want a baby too. You and your husband love each other and you want to help that love grow by loving someone else. If you were faking infertility then, yes, you should be worried. But you're not. Don't worry about it. Focus on finding your child.
And know you're in my prayers.