#MicroblogMonday: Aunt's Intuition

Yesterday, we celebrated Valex's 5th Birthday. First off, who gave him permission to keep growing?! I love each new stage, but I was looking through old pictures and I miss those boys being little babies.

Of course, I took my role as aunt seriously and spoiled him rotten. I seem to have developed two seperate birthday budgets. The first one is the presents I buy and wrap for them. I think I gave him 2 outfits and 5 shirts. Including a Superman Shirt with a cape.

The 2nd budget is the the toys that go on the cake.

Last night, my sister told me the Superman shirt was his favorite present and he couldn't wait to wear it to school (aka, daycare) today. She went on to say that I always find the coolest gifts. I told her it was my "aunt's intuition."

I had planned to get Daxsen a matching cape with shirt for his birthday in August. But last night, I felt bad that he had to wait so long. So this morning, I decided to just order it now. When its his birthday, I'll get them both a Batman shirt with cape. Call it my "aunt's guilt."

You can find more of this weeks #MicroblogMondays posts HERE.

#MicroblogMonday: Spidey Sense

My spidey sense started tingly a month ago. It started right before Mother's Day. I saw a random post on Facebook and I thought "they're pregnant." It was just a few ordinary posts, links, memes, etc. NONE of them mentioned pregnancy. But I knew better. It wasn't even a person I know well, but still, I just KNEW.

I remember the last announcement I realized, before it was made. Again, there weren't any clues, but I just KNEW.  

It made me wonder if, as an infertile, your pregnancy detection monitor becomes better fine tuned. Maybe its because we want to become pregnant so badly, that we start to notice those little signs in others. Maybe its because those announcements can be so hard on us, that we tune in early, so we can better prepare, emotionally and mentally, for the big announcement.

Today, the official announcement was made. I was right.

You can find more of this weeks #MicroblogMondays posts HERE.

#MicroblogMonday: What to say?

Some days, I stare at the screen and wonder what I should write. I have dozens of unfinished posts in draft because I can't get them to come out the right way. Others, sit on a private journal because they feel to raw to share.

But then I remember how lost I felt during our infertility struggle. How I just wanted to find people who understood my pain. I cry when I think of those who are still in the dark days of infertility. Please know you aren't alone. Some of your journeys will end with a baby. Others, will not. But hopefully, you will all find peace.

You can find more of this weeks #MicroblogMondays posts HERE.

#MicroblogMonday: Turmoil & Grief

Over the last few months, my heart has been in turmoil. Its as if all of my infertility issues have come back to haunt me. My heart has been in constant turmoil for weeks now.

I'd go back and forth. "Maybe we should try again?" "But we're happy" "I just started school." At the end of the day, the logical part of my brain would say no. But then, a day or two later, I'd find myself in tears once again.

A few weeks ago, we had a guest speaker at church. Something she said really stuck with me. She was talking about how after she found Christ, she was overcome with grief about her marriage, which had ended several years previously. (I think she said 12 years, but I can't remember for sure.) She told us how, once she found Christ, it was like she could suddenly grieve her marriage.

That was just what I needed to hear.

By the time we had decided to pull our adoption profile, we didn't go to church much. And even when we did go, our hearts weren't into it. That's not to say I didn't pray about closing our profile, because I did. We had been talking about it for months and it just reached the point where it was time to decide one way or the other. In the end, we felt ok about closing our profile and moving on.

After listening to this lady, I realized, I don't think I ever fully grieved my infertility in full. We grieved when we realized we couldn't conceive on our own, but we moved on to adoption. At that point, I still believed I would be a mother someday. After we were unchosen, we grieved, but it was over the loss of the baby girl.

I don't think I've ever fully acknowledged my infertility as a whole. At each stage, there was still some hope. Then, when we were unchosen, I was too deep into the grief of that loss, that I couldn't acknowledge the loss of my dream of motherhood as a whole.

Since realizing this, I have done much better. I still have days where it gets to me, but its seems manageable now. I think I have a better understanding of what my heart is going through and I can hopefully find peace again.

You can find more of this weeks #MicroblogMondays posts HERE.

#MicroblogMonday: Post Mother's Day

Can I just say, I think yesterday was the most peaceful Mother's Day I've ever had? As the weekend started, I kept expecting to get anxious, but I never did.

I think several factors helped.

1) We always turn that day into a celebration of the other spouse. So its not Mother's Day, but Savannah's Day. In June, we will have Josh's Day. We buy each other a gift and then that person gets to decide what they want to do that day. This year, Josh gave me some charms for my Pandora bracelet and a new necklace. Then he picked out two cards. A sappy romantic one from him, and then a cute humorous one from him and the fur-babies, which included an iTunes gift card from the fur-babies.

2) Maybe I'm selfish, but I find it hard to celebrate Mother's on that day. I was talking with a friend this weekend, and told her, "I love my mom every day. But when it comes to Mother's Day, I have a hard time focusing on that love because I'm too caught up in my own grief of what never was." That day always makes it harder on me. So I choose to avoid mother's on that day. Its nothing against them, I just am usually in such a horrid state of mind that I can't be around others.

3) Church was amazing this year. Its probably been 8 years since I've been to church on that dreaded day. I just couldn't handle it. But over the past few months, I've developed a much deeper relationship with God. I always considered myself a religious person, but I'm not starting to realize, I was never a spiritual person. I've had some amazing changes take place in my heart and soul. I have a deeper love for my Savior than ever before. I think that is one of the biggest reasons this year was so much easier. Our pastor did a beautiful job of acknowledging mothers in all walks of life.

You can find more of this weeks #MicroblogMondays posts HERE.

#MicroblogMonday: Mother's Day

For the past several years, we have been out of town for Mother's Day. I'm not sure when it happened, but it somehow turned into a tradition.

This year, we aren't going anywhere. Josh asked me where I wanted to go this year, but I looked at the calendar and already had plans for the day before. We talked about leaving that night, but I decided I'm okay to try staying home this year.

Its been nice to escape every year. Mother's Day is one of the hardest days for me. Years ago, we decided to make it a special day for me and Father's Day a special day for him. But even then, it still stung a little bit.

I've also decided to go to church that day. I've been so much happier with this congregation that I think I'll be okay. They all are such sweet spirits so I don't think it will be as overwhelming and unbearable as it was in the past. Just another reason I'm so happy I found this church. But more importantly, because of them and their example, I've been able to develop a much better relationship with Christ.

If all else fails, I know I'll still be getting a gift that day from my wonderful husband. I picked out a few charms for my Pandora bracelet and a new necklace. I've also dropped hints that flowers would be nice too.

You can find more of this weeks #MicroblogMondays posts HERE.

#MicroblogMondays: Infertility Tattoo

I would like to get a tattoo to represent my infertility. The problem is, I'm not sure what I want. I've considered something that represents just the two of us. Or something to symbolize our loss. But I'm still not sure what I want. I do know I want something unique. I don't want to just Google the infertility symbol and do that.

I already have one tattoo and love it. It really doesn't have any symbolism behind it, except that it was my first tattoo. I had to think on it for two years before I decided what I wanted. But I have loved it so much, I've decided I want a 2nd one, but this time with some meaning behind it, hence the infertility.

I want something to remind me that infertility didn't beat me. I was bruised, but never completely broken. Or something that shows how Josh & I are our own family. That we can be complete without a child.

You can find more of this weeks #MicroblogMondays posts HERE.

#MicroblogMonday: Hormones

I often wonder why my body was cursed, just enough, that it couldn't have a baby, but not so much that I still get my monthly visitor, Aunt Flo. Well, almost monthly. My periods can be pretty sporadic. I never know if I'm going to go 2-3 months with no period, or just the normal 28 days.

That is where the problem lies. The days leading up to my period, I get emotional. Super emotional. Cry over spilled milk emotional. But it never dawns on me why I am that way until my period actually starts. Then the light bulbs goes on and its like "oh, no wonder I've been so moody lately."

Last week was bad. Once I realized, there would be no baby #2, I lost it. I spent all of last Sunday in tears. Monday, was only slightly better because I was trying to keep on a happy face while at work. But inside, I was a wreck.

Finally, on Tuesday night, I realized Aunt Flo was upon me. As much as I hate her, it was almost a relief to place the blame on her for my recent emotional turmoil. Because now that she is gone, I've returned to my normal self.

You can find more of this weeks #MicroblogMondays posts HERE.

#MicroblogMonday's: Baby #2

Josh and I never wanted a large family. Most days, we just planned on 2 kids. (Maybe a third, but we could never agree on that.) Since we only planned to have two, I wanted them to be several years apart. If I was only going to do the baby stage twice, I wanted to savor every moment. So we decided that when the 1st child started school, we would start trying to have baby #2.

This weekend, it hit me. If things had gone as planned, we'd be trying for baby #2 about now. Our little girl would have started Kindergarten this year.

Realizing this opened the wounds back up this weekend. I spent most of yesterday in tears. I could write more about it, but I'm still pondering several things in my heart, so I will save that for another day.

 You can find more of this weeks #MicroblogMondays posts HERE.

#MicroblogMondays: Easter

This year, I actually found myself grateful I didn't have kids for the Easter holiday. Friday, I spent most of the day cramming for a test in my math class. To say I am stressed over this class is an understatement.

Saturday, Josh asked me why I didn't do any egg hunts with the nephews this year. I told him that no one invited me, and since I was so busy with school, I didn't make the effort to invite myself.

Most of the time, I have to make myself the 3rd wheel. But I'm with my nephews, so I don't mind. But this year, with all of the extra stress from school, I was actually glad to be able to skip some of the holiday madness.

I still made a small gift for each nephew. This year, I found a way to turn a beach towel into a basket, which I filled with a few small toys.

Josh and I also exchanged baskets. I think that's my favorite tradition. Its our way of saying we are a family all on our own. We also decided to stay home and have a quite dinner by ourselves.

You can find more of this weeks #MicroblogMondays posts HERE.

#MicroblogMondays: Easter

Going back to school has cut into my aunt time. Easter is this weekend and I have yet to buy anything for my nephews. I am aware that most aunts don't buy or make a gift for every little holiday, but I usually do. It gives me joy. I also find it a great way to be part of a holiday that I would normally be forgotten on.

I'm double bummed because I missed Valentine's also. I did do something for St. Patrick's Day, but I still feel like I'm slacking. Granted, they are all still young enough that they probably don't even notice. But I do.

Luckily, I have Amazon Prime. All I need to do is decide what I want to order and it should be here in time. I'm thinking of maybe a slip 'n' slide for the older nephews and a small wading pool for the younger ones.

Its about spoiling the ones I love. And making sure I keep my position as best aunt ever.

You can find more of this weeks #MicroblogMondays posts HERE.

#MicroblogMonday's: What the...

I realize that kids are kids, but I think parents need to be parents.

Last week, I had a little girl (about age 2) chew on my desk. Chew.On.My.Desk!!!! She literally walked up to the edge of my desk and latched on with her teeth and started chewing.

I was horrified! Who does that?! What did the parents do? Nothing!

I know I don't know how to raise a kid, but seriously, it would seem logical that if your kids starts chewing on something in a public setting, you would at least tell them to stop.

I just bit my tongue and hurried up their paperwork so I could get them out of my office quickly. When they were gone, I thoroughly Clorox-ed my desk. There are no bite marks, but I still fee like my desk was violated.

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.