I've grown some pretty tough skin the last few years. I try to politely point out that we: 1) have no children and 2) can't have children. And if they push the issue, 3) because we have no sperm and 4) yes, we tried the adoption route.
But I had a new one hit me in the gut today. Recently, I've started to wonder if I am starting to get premenopausal. Getting my doctor to agree has been another issue. But when I told him my night sweats are unbearable and I am no longer sleeping at night, he finally agreed to do some testing.
One of those including an ultrasound....
I tried to keep the humor today. My husband works at the hospital, in their construction department. When I arrived for my appointment today, his crew saw me go into the Woman's Center. As I walked by them, I said, "don't worry, I'm not pregnant."
The nurse asked how many kids I have, and I said none. Again, I was okay.
But then, out of the blue, I learned a fun new fact about my body.
My uterus is tilted.
I tried to keep a smile on my face, but I guess it was bad enough that the tech couldn't get a clear shot, so she went and got another tech to assist her. Again, I had to go through the "no, I've never had a baby before" routine, but it was harder that time. It was like she was surprised I didn't know my uterus was tilted.
Well, what do you expect? This is the first time I've seen my uterus on the screen!
Okay, I didn't really say that, but I thought it.
After that, there wasn't anything to do but stare at the screen of my uterus of nothingness. Because she was right in her assumptions. What 30+ old woman doesn't know that about her own body? It was just sad to stare at the screen and realize I'll never see a baby grow inside my belly.
I also had to do blood work to check my thyroid and other hormonal levels. I won't get the results back until next week. I've actually had my symptoms reduce a bit (I bought a lighter set of bed sheets), but I still know that my hormones are out of whack and I'm hoping the doctor will find something.
Its times like these that I find great strength in Jesus. I've had many moments where He has spoken to my heart and I know that everything is in His hands and going exactly according to His plans. When it starts to get hard, I give my pain to Him and let Him take care of it for me.
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