Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Italy vs. Holland and How do I get to Australia

Welcome to Holland
(c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved)
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability- to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip -to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans.. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting. After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland." "Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place. So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandt's. But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned." And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss. But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ....about Holland.
Dear Abby: A few years ago, you printed an essay titled “Welcome to Holland” by Emily Perl Kingsley. The subject was having a child with Down Syndrome. Enclosed is an article my daughter, Diane Armitage, wrote, inspired by “Welcome to Holland.” Her message is directed to childless couples who are considering adoption. (Diane and her husband are the parents of two adopted children.) Perhaps you will consider it worth publishing.–Kathryn Relnalda, Blairstown, NJ
Dear Kathryn: I’m delighted to share what your daughter wrote, and I’m sure many readers will appreciate its insight:
Different Trips to the Same Place
Deciding to have a baby is like planning a trip to Australia. You’ve heard it’s a wonderful place, you’ve read many guidebooks and feel certain you’re ready to go. Everyone you know has traveled there by plane. They say it can be a turbulent flight with occasional rough landings, but you can look forward to being pampered on the trip.
So you go to the airport and ask the ticket agent for a ticket to Australia. All around you, excited people are boarding planes for Australia. It seems there is no seat for you; you’ll have to wait for the next flight. Impatient, but anticipating a wonderful trip, you wait–and wait–and wait.
Flights to Australia continue to come and go. People say silly things like, “Relax. You’ll get on a flight soon.” Other people actually get on the plane and then cancel their trip, to which you cry, “It’s not fair!”
After a long time the ticket agent tells you, “I’m sorry, we’re not going to be able to get you on a plane to Australia. Perhaps you should think about going by boat.”
“By BOAT!” you say. “Going by boat will take a very long time and it costs a great deal of money. I really had my heart set on going by plane.” So you go home and think about not going to Australia at all. You wonder if Australia will be as beautiful if you approach it by sea rather than air. But you have long dreamed of this wonderful place, and finally decide to travel by boat.
It is a long trip, many months over many rough seas. No one pampers you. You wonder if you will ever see Australia. Meanwhile, your friends have flown back and forth to Australia two or three more times, marveling about each trip.
Then one glorious day, the boat docks in Australia. It is more exquisite than you ever imagined, and the beauty is magnified by your long days at sea. You have made many wonderful friends during your voyage, and you find yourself comparing stories with others who also traveled by sea rather than by air.
People continue to fly to Australia as often as they like, but you are able to travel only once, perhaps twice. Some say things like, “Oh, be glad you didn’t fly. My flight was horrible; traveling by sea is so easy.”
You will always wonder what it would have been like to fly to Australia. Still, you know God blessed you with a special appreciation of Australia, and the beauty of Australia is not in the way you get there, but in the place itself.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I feel...HAPPY

I noticed sometime last week that I feel happy. I'm sure for some people that is hard to understand; how can a person not be happy? I had finally reached the point where I wasn't depressed anymore, but then I felt the crunch because we have been approved for almost a year and no one has looked at us. But then I just woke up one morning and I was...Happy. It's been a while since I felt happy for no particular reason.
It could be the Christmas season, but I don't think that's it. I was a little scared with the Christmas season coming up (I DID NOT enjoy Christmas last year or really the year before that), but then I decided to not get all hyped up about it. My Christmas shopping isn't as extravagant this year and Josh and I each picked out our own presents so no surprises there. We have no Christmas tree this year and I haven't even bothered to get out my winter decorations. I enjoy watching Josh play Santa Claus so I don't think I am a Grinch. It just seems easier to not stress over the holiday's. I have tried to be more giving this year and I have enjoyed that. I bought some clothes and donated them to the community for their angel tree and tomorrow I am going to buy some things for a family who lost their house to fire this week.
I have even tried to "test out" this happiness to make sure it was real. I have thought back to things in the past that used to upset me or bring me to tears and now I feel nothing when I look back. I finally feel like I have come to terms with everything and everyone and that I truly hold no hard feelings anymore. I am finally starting to truly enjoy being an aunt and I hope that I will soon have another niece or nephew.
I think I was finally tired of not being happy that I just decided to be happy. It has been so nice. I feel like a more pleasant person and I hope people think I am easier to be around now.



So Barren said...

I am glad you're doing well. I hope you guys will get your baby soon. It's all about timing. I know how you feel about Christmas. Good for you for doing so much service!
Meka from 2ofus4now

Monday, December 1, 2008

Josh's Infertility Story

Hello everyone, I am trying my hand at this blogging thing. I'm pretty technology resistant but after Savannah posted her Infertility journal I felt that I needed to be part of this thing too. I will start off by saying that I am very excited to adopt, maybe even more so than Savannah, I just don't always show emotion as well. That being said let me tell you all my story of our infertility.
In 2005 we decide we are ready to start a family. In my mind I picture myself being the first one in the family to make my parents grandparents. I could see myself holding a newborn in the hospital, grinning ear to ear, lightly kissing my beautiful wife on the head and beaming with joy. That didn't happen. We tried and nothing, tried again and nothing. I have never done anything harder in the world than to look in Savannah's eyes after a failed pregnancy test; the hurt that was there was slowly killing me. I think deep down I was worried that it was all my fault for not being able to give her children, I felt like a failure as a husband, after every failed test I just wanted to die.
February 2007, I spent my anniversary getting tested, by far the worst test I have ever taken. Savannah took me to Cabela's but deep down I already knew the results and I felt like less of a man at that point in my life. I knew I would fail and that meant that I was a failure as a husband.
March 2007, While driving home from work one night I heard a Hallmark card commercial on the radio about a woman getting a card for her sister who had just adopted a child. It was like I had finally woken up; I knew without a doubt at that point that we would adopt, and all my feelings of being a failure went away. The painful aching hole in my chest didn't hurt quite as bad and I didn't feel like any less of a man. In fact I felt excited, I would get to adopt and that would make our child very special.
Later in March 2007, Test results came back and confirmed what I already knew in my heart, we were going to adopt. I was very excited I couldn't wait and I still can't.
Summer 2007, We attended our very first Birth mother panel and like Savannah has already said it was AWESOME! I had an understanding of what adoption was all about and I could hardly contain myself, we were going to get the chance to have a birth mother of our own and I was very, very happy. Also we attended our first FSA conference, again AWESOME, I can't even put into words the happiness I felt.
Many things have followed since then, Paperwork, home study, and lots of waiting. I am trying to be patient but it is hard sometimes. I don't feel like a failure anymore, but the aching hole is still there in my chest. It will take a successful adoption and hopefully the acceptance of a few people to fill that void. I can't wait to get that call, the one that says we have a baby. I'll yell it out to all the world, grin from ear to ear, and kiss my beautiful wife on the head. I'll feel whole again and I can't wait for that. Anyone can be a parent but only the most special people can be adoptive parents, and only the very most special people can be the birth parents who will make their dreams come true.



Elizabeth and Brian said...

That was very brave of you Josh to say all that. I hope it was healing. Brian has never been able to write it all down. It is nice to have a male perspective on infertility. I hope it helps my husband. We were at that conferance too. It's a shame we didn't all meet up. It was a wonderful conferance. It was the AHA moment for us on adoption.

Ashley said...

To Josh,
I know that you and Savannah are very impatient to be chosen by a birth mother. You may have a long wait still but I know in my heart you both will be great parents! Try to remember that everything happens for a reason and your child will come to you when the time is right. I know I don't know you very well but I have seen the affect you have had on Savannah in all these years you two have been together. I couldn't have wished for a better man for one of the best friends I have ever had. You are an amazing person and one of the best men that I know! I love you both and good luck with your wait.

Mom (Tammy) said...

What a touching story. I knew much of it but reading it from your own words touched my heart!
You are a wonderful husband and I know that you will be an awesome father. You are a wonderful man and I couldn't have asked for a more special son.
Thanks for being you and be patient. It will all be worth it when we hold that special child that our Heavenly Father is preparing to send your way.
Love, Mom (Tammy)

Teah said...

Oh how I feel for you both. As I read this entry the tears were just streaming down my face. I hope you both know how incredibly amazing you both are. I remember the day we found out I had problems and then again when we found out that Donovan also had some also. I never had to suffer as you have though. Oh how I wish somehow I could take away your pain. I've been keeping my eyes and ears open for you both and if I come across any information or birth mothers I'll send it/her your way. love you both and praying for you. Teah

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Our Infertility History

I feel like this posting should come with a warning attached. These are my most intimate thoughts and should not be taken lightly. Some things I want to say may upset some of those who read this. I am sorry if it does, but I can no longer hide these emotions and thoughts. Maybe it will give you more insight into why I have been the way I have been the last few years. I have read other posts like this and I want to scream "that's me they are talking about!" I've decided that maybe it is a part of the healing process that I continue to go through and maybe by putting these thoughts down they will help me heal more. Oh, and it will be quite a long post. I only want to have to do this once so I am trying to get it all out.

Looking back at how far we have come and how long it has taken has made me stop and realize just how long we have been waiting for a family now. I've seen several people that have posted their infertility journey. I have started to a few times, but it seems too heart bearing and I usually end up crying. So despite the feelings I may upset someone and the chance that I will be crying soon, here is our infertility journey and a few things that infertility has taught me.

*Start birth control when we married. Our parents thought we were "too young" to have kids. We just liked being married.
*After about 10 months I went off the birth control. It made me terrible sick. I decided pregnancy couldn't be any worse. We decided that if it happened great, if not, great.
*In 2005 we decided that we were ready to have kids. We thought all we needed was a lot of "lovin'" and prayer and our baby would come.
*Our 6th anniversary, we spent at the doctor's office getting Josh tested. Don't worry I soothed him over by taking him to Cabala’s.
*Before the results came back we knew that we needed to adopt. I think Josh knew before the test and just didn't dare say anything.
*February 2007 - we talked to our bishop about adopting through LDSFS. He said he would get a hold of the caseworker and get him in touch with us.
*May 2007 - we finally realized that you have to contact the caseworker yourself. All they need from your bishop is a letter of reference.
*The paperwork one has to fill out for adoption is overwhelming. They want to know everything about you and your family. And you have to do everything twice because they want to hear it from each spouse.
*Summer 2007 - We attended our first birthmother panel. It was AMAZING! Those girls are AMAZING! Adoption is such a wonderful thing. We also attended our first National Adoption Conference. That too was AMAZING!
*October 2007 – I set up my own “deadline.” If we can have a baby by the time the missionaries in our family come home that would be great.
*December 2007 - We had to hurry and buy a Christmas tree and decorate the house because our caseworker wanted to do our home study and we didn't want to look like a bunch of grinches. I was having a hard time getting into the holiday mood that year. It seems to get worse each year...
*December 2007/January 2008 - we found out that even when our caseworker approves our profile, headquarters in SLC still has to approve it too. That guy kept taking days off. It seemed to take forever before we finally received the letter that said we were "paper pregnant."
*August 2008 - I sunk down into another dark hole. Infertility can come out of nowhere and take you off you feet. I couldn't stop crying for 2 days. The reason is quite personal and I know it will upset some so I don't think I will share it right now... Josh suggested I get help. I agreed and joined the support group. They have been so wonderful and uplifting.
*October 2008 - Realize that my "deadline" is halfway over! Called our caseworker; no one has looked at us yet. But it was the incentive I needed to finish our website.
*November 2008 - our 1st adoption profile is now online.

Since then it seems like all we have done is wait. Each time our caseworker calls my heart stops beating. Could this be the call?!?! No such luck. It's time to update this paperwork, it's time to do your webpage, it's time for.... But it's never THE CALL that we are hoping for.
In no particular order here are some things that I have learned from Infertility:
*Sometimes prayer ISN'T enough. Sometimes you need to figure things out on your own.
*Patience is a virtue...and it's one that I've had to work really hard on.
*Even though cats think they are humans, they don't want to be treated like children.
*Sometimes you can do everything the "right" way, but that doesn't guarantee you the things you expected.
*It's hard to shop for baby showers.
*Some people are nice and let you hold their babies. Others are mean and think since you have no children you don't know how to handle one.
*Saying that you want to baby-sit doesn't mean that people will actually let you baby-sit for them. Probably has something to do with the above thought...
*When people treat you like you don't know what you are doing with a baby, it is probably best to ignore them.
*People will say innocent things...or at least that is probably how they meant it.
*People will say mean things...just ignore them.
*It's okay to cry.
*God will take the burden from you, as soon as you will give it to Him. He never gives it back unless you take it back yourself. And then He waits for you to give it back to Him, again.
*Being the only one married in both your families for 6 years doesn't mean you will be the 1st ones to parenthood.
*Being an aunt does not come naturally to everyone.
*Anyone can have a baby. Only special people get to adopt.
*Adopting is a lot more work than just having a baby.
*It's okay to get angry, but you shouldn't do it around friends & family.
*A good friend that will just listen can be the best thing in the world.
*People will try to make you feel better by only pointing out the "hard" parts of parenting and try to tell you that you are better off the way you are. It's hard to ignore them when they keep doing it.
*Infertility is something that requires going through the grieving process. It's a hard process to go through.
*Infertility really is the death of your children. You just don't have a place to go mourn over their loss.
*Being angry & mean will cost you relationships with family & friends. It's hard to build back those relationships to what they used to be.
*Not everyone will get excited when you announce you are going to adopt.
*My grandpa is the best. He told me to remember that ALL of his grandkids/great grandkids look like him and he knows our children will too.
*Sometimes the littlest moment can cause a setback on your healing. They come out of nowhere.
*You can think that you are okay with your infertility, but deep down I don't think one ever comes to complete terms with it.
*Everyone has trials and they are hard. Find others with the same trials and help each other through it.
*It's easier to mourn with those that mourn the same thing you are.
*On bad days you really should lock yourself up and not be around others or you will end up having your feelings hurt and hurting theirs as well.
*Not everyone loves Mother’s Day or any holiday for that matter.
*People will avoid talking about pregnancy around you. Others will talk with you about it like you should know everything they are talking about. It’s actually easier to be around those people who don’t ignore you. You just have to nod your head a lot.
*Arms can literally ache to hold a baby.



Elizabeth and Brian said...

Ditto I am sorry :(
I found my self-thinking ditto to about all you wrote.
It just plain hurts and fertiles just don't get it.

Cats are loving but don’t like dressing up. I keep thinking I should get a dog. Then I could dress it up and take him places like ward picnics.

Rachel said...

I totally remember being there. Infertility is SO HARD! So much of your list could have written by me. I remember how much my arms ached to hold a baby. I learned ways of coping such as just happening to be busy when baby showers were scheduled or on Mother's Day or the Sunday when everyone dedicated their babies. It was just too much for me and I had to realize that it was okay to just give myself that time.

Now my arms are very full, but through adoption. It is amazing to have my kids here and I wouldn't trade them for the world! Do I still wish I could have gotten pregnant? Yes, sometimes, but it's a tiny part of me now instead of a huge thing. I love my three (soon to be 4) kids and there is no way that having a biological child could have been any more wonderful than this is!

Joy does come in the morning. Hugs from someone who knows!


Friday, October 31, 2008

Words of Advice

It's hard to live in a world where EVERYONE but you has children and can get pregnant. I know that everyone means well, but let's face it; You don't understand our situation and you can't help it
The only true comfort I find is from my support group It's a email based support group. Basically when one of us is feeling down or has a question about fertility treatments we send out a mass email. Then whoever wants to, can reply back. The entire group sees all these emails. In August I had a big breakdown. I was sailing along, doing fine, when something happened and knocked me off my feet. I won't comment more on it, just that it was almost the undoing of my sanity. Needless to say, that is when I realized I needed help. We had just heard of this group at the Adoption Conference so I joined. It has helped me so much! I'm not alone in this world! I think I am one of the few in the group who isn't still trying to conceive, but I get so much comfort from the group. Sometimes I am the one venting and sometimes I am the one trying to comfort.
The point I am trying to get to is that I do have friends and family who try to comfort me.
Things I DO NOT want to hear:
Be patient
Have faith
Pray harder
Adopt, then you'll get pregnant
Don't think about it, it'll happen
Have you tried such and such

I know everyone means well, but unless you are infertile it doesn't really help. And it's not because you have kids and I don't. It's because, unless you have been through this exact trial, you really have no idea what we go through. We know our options, we do have faith. Don't tell us how to feel and think; you can't read our minds.

Things you can do:
Ask how our adoption is going.
Spread the word that we are adopting.
Ask if we need a hug.
Don't ignore us when you are talking about children or pregnancy.
Offer comfort and cheer, but let us grieve.
Help us remember that we are a family and it is important.
Pray for us and our birth mother.
Don't wish me a Happy Mother's Day until I am a mother.
Don't treat me like I don't know how to handle a child. I'm the oldest of four children and I babysat for years. I do have a clue of what I am doing
Just listen to me vent. You don't have to even comment on it, in fact in some cases that may be wise...

Sorry - I had to vent. Someone did say something to me a few days ago and I am been steaming ever since. It feels so good to get that out!



Desi said...

I HATE hearing, "just be patient" and then in my last comment I told you about that quote I read that basically makes me feel like it's telling me to "just be patient".... I hope it was not out of place - I really do understand how awful comments can be and how stinging they can feel even when no hurt was intended.

I think the waiting is the hardest part....

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Infertility is...

Okay, since I just ranted so much I thought I better try to smooth things over. People seem to misunderstand me when I have a hard time. Here is a list that I find to be funny, but also true. I have added my own comments to the end of each one. I was going to add some of my own, but I was afraid I would get negative again.

Infertility Is...
* Buying and reading books on baby care, and hiding them when company comes. - I haven't done that one.
* Wanting like crazy to “just look” in the baby section of the department store, but feeling so out of place–“Infertile” is not really stamped on my forehead. - That is sooo me! I just want to look and pretend, but what the point!
* Wanting to look at my children someday, and see their father (my husband) in them. - Actually, that doesn't bother me. I don't think that is important and if people do, shame on them!
* Snapping at friends who ask innocent questions, and not meaning to. I wish I could explain, but... - Once again, that is sooo me! Sorry to all of you I have snapped at before.
* Making love and suddenly realizing that the two of you will never make a baby this way and crying. -Actually that was never a problem. I like that part of being married.
* Seeing the cutest maternity top in the store window, but having no reason to buy it. - That is a tought one, I love to buy clothes!
* Trying to rejoice with your friend on her second (or third) pregnancy. - Actually I haven't had to deal with a 2nd pregnancy yet. I hope I can handle it better than I have 1st pregnancies.
* Being enemies with your own body. - What is wrong with me!
* Doctors, hating them, worshiping them. - I hated my doctor!!!! I felt like he really didn't care about me. And when people see you in there they tell everyone you are expecting. I had that happen 3 times!
* Wondering if you will ever receive a Mother’s Day card. - I hate Mother's Day. I love you mom!
* Picking a name for your baby, only to grow tired of it. - Jordan, Caitlyn, Brittney, Jesse....
* Always going to other people’s houses for dinner because they would have to get a babysitter, and it is so much more convenient this way... - No comment, friends with children seem to ignore us.
* Falling apart. Getting hysterical. Am I losing my sanity? - Did you see the previous post?
* Knowing (better than most) how conception happens, yet having to put up with stupid advice, crude jokes. (Forgive them, Father, they know not what they do!) - I actually had one guy tell me to buy a swing...
* Gladly saying, “Yes!” to a Huhner’s test because that one doesn’t hurt. - My doctor never did any test except a simple thyroid test. Duh, if it looks okay, maybe look for something else!
* Redefining “Woman” (Yes, I am still one)!!!!!!!!
* Feeling empty and sad almost all the time. - Or at least until you find new hope. Like I said earlier, I usually do very well.
* Sharing experiences with other infertile couples and finding comfort in that. Laughing together, crying together. -LDSFS is the best thing that ever happend to us. We aren't going through this alone!
* Wondering where God is. - I did it right. I waited until I was married. Where is my reward?
* Having an extra bedroom for guests, and wishing it were a nursery. - We finally started putting a nursery together in hopes to babysit other kids of people we know who have been blessed with children. HINT HINT!
* Being afraid to take aspirin or do sit-ups. - I don't get this one. Must be because of my stupid doctor.
* Needing to grieve, but not really knowing how. - See previous post.
* And then finally...Coming to terms with your own infertility. Acceptance. Peace. - Ah, sweet peace. Why did you hide from me? I love the peace I now feel.
* Feeling like a whole person again. - I'll still be mom; I just have to wait longer than 9 months.
* Not thinking about your infertility first thing in the morning. - No more negative pregnancy tests!
* Actually finding joy mixed in with the pain of Christmas...What a miracle. - I still struggle with that one. We really didn't celebrate Christmas last year. We only got a tree because our homestudy was in December.
* Discovering life can be happy, and satisfying without children - I love the time I have with Josh. We do lots of things we couldn't do if we had children.
* (or) Discovering that adoption is a positive way of enlarging your “family.” - I know we are supposed to adopt; see previous post.
* I find that I am actually thankful for my own infertility. It has been a hard experience, but as I have struggled, I have grown. I have learned more about my Heavenly Father, and about being His child than I could have otherwise. - He really does love me!

Anonymous, Sierra Vista, AZ



crazy mom of six said...

I'm so glad you guys have decided to adopt. I hear that it is a great thing. I actually have a niece and nephew that are adopted. It's neat to see them and know that even though they are from different families, they are now a part of my family. My sister-in-law is also approved for adoption and is waiting just like you. I'll be sending some prayers your way(oh wait, I'll be sending them to your birth mother, where ever she may be). Good luck and best wishes.

Desi said...

Congratulations on being approved to adopt! That is a huge hurtle to overcome from what I can see. I really enjoyed your list of what infertility is. I totally get it!!!! (Sucks, I know.)

Just some of my two cents: I have seen that cute maternity top, and bought it just because I wanted to. I have dinner at other people's homes ALL THE TIME so they don't have to pay a baby sitter. (But, let work to clean up at my house right?) Dealing with 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and now 5th pregancies of friends. We've only been married 7 years! How are they fitting 5 pregnancies in there!!!

Thanks for the rant, I needed that. It seems like I don't post much about my infertility anymore because no one else understands who reads my blog. I saw that you were following my blog and checked out yours. I think I sense an infertility post on the way...


Infertility, you suck!

Some times life SUCKS! Normally I do really well with our infertility, but every now and then it sneaks up on me. Trying to get people to understand is the hardest part. They just have no clue. Yes we've been married 7 3/4 years.
No, we don't have children.
Yes, we want children.
No, we can't have any on our own.
I know these people are well meaning, but when I'm having a hard time I take it as being rude and insensitive. No offense to all of those you have been WEMBI (Well Meaning But Ignorant), but that is just the fact of it. We can't have children. Don't try to ignore the fact, or skirt around the issue because that is what it is.
I don't know which makes me more upset. Well okay there is a whole list of things:
"Keep trying. Your time will come." - Oh ya, what about the trying we've been doing for years now!
I really hate the people who try to hide their pregnancies from me. That may be the most hurtful thing. I don't understand their reasoning, but I'm sure it's something like "Don't tell Savannah, she'll get mad." No, I don't get mad. I get jealous and sad. And then hurt that people are trying to keep things from me.
I finally had a friend tell me about her pregnancy. After having several friends and relatives be pregnant, I finally had one treat it like it wasn't taboo around me. I had such a great time visiting with her about her pregnancy. Don't ask me for pregnancy advice - I've never been pregnant. But don't treat me like I don't exist when someone around me is pregnant. It hurts to be ignored.
And the biggest thing is that people don't understand that we are literally grieving the death of our children. Think about it. We had dreams of having our children and now those dream are dead and therefore we are mourning their deaths. And its a tough grieving process to go through. We don't actually have anything tangible to direct our grief towards. But is very real and very painful.
And sometimes I feel like people are completely trying ignore the fact that we are adopting. I'm not sure why they do that, but it bugs me to no end. Adoption is a beautiful thing; not a "Plan B." If people would take the time to learn more about it, they would see what a wonderful thing it is!
We've learned a lot through our adoption support group, LDSFS. During one of our classes we heard from a lady who really put it perfectly. I will always grieve over my infertility, but I can deal with it and manage it. I have it tucked it away in my heart. Then every once in awhile something will happen to trigger it and I will have to say "Hello my old infertility friend; it's been a while since I heard from you."
I know I'm coming off as angry, and I don't get that way often. I am actually excited to adopt. I think there is nothing more spiritual that we can go through as a family. I know that we were preordained to come to earth and have our family through adoption. I believe that my Father in Heaven told us that some children would be born into unfavorable circumstances and I wanted to help. I believe He told me that the only way for me to help would be to have my family through adoption and I know I was excited at the prospect of adopting.
I've had to tell people to not pray about us getting pregnant. Pray for our Birth mother. She is the one that needs the prayers. Pray that our family will come together someday.