Costs

I know, that when it comes to the finances of infertility, we actually got off pretty easy.

Just a few simple drugs to help me ovulate.

A test to learn we had no sperm.

No extensive drugs or test.

No IUI's or IVF's.

We did have to pay $1000 when we started our adoption profile. That was a LOT of money at that point of our marriage.

After that, there was a few more costs, but like I mentioned above, nothing compared to what a lot of women go through.

For that, I am grateful.

But when we were gathering money for our down payment on our house, I was burned that we lost that $1000 we originally put down to adopt. LDSFS did pretty much nothing during the years we were with them. Shoot, we even found our potential birth mom through a different website we paid a monthly fee for!

I know in this journey of infertility, its all a costly risk, but sometimes it burns more than other times.

My "baby" is Growing Up

I won't deny it, I am a bear (and I'm using a nice term here) when there are pregnancies in the family. We had a several year head start on both sides of our families, so when we didn't produce the 1st grand child, it tore me up and turned me into a pysco witch.

With my sister's 1st pregnancy, I actually did ok for part of it; we were expecting too.

Then when we lost our baby, I was so consumed in my own grief to even be a part of anything else.

It only took me 4 years to find enough peace with my own infertility before I could fully enjoy the anticipation of a new nephew. That was around the time my sister was expecting her 2nd baby.

I seriously love this little guy to pieces.

A few weeks ago, he turned two. I kept telling Josh "my baby is growing up." He finally corrected me and reminded me, he isn't MY baby.

But he still sort of feels like my baby because he was the 1st one I let myself fully love. My happiness for a nephew was finally greater then my ache for a baby of my own.

When my 2nd nephew was born, our profile had been active for almost 2 years and we had had no legit contacts on it. I was severely depressed and caught up only in my grief. I also felt like I had been mislead during the 1st pregnancy, so I was having a hard time with that too. 

We were up visiting one day and suddenly the baby was literally dropped in my lap. I know how to hold babies, I'm not a dummy. But mentally, I wasn't prepared for that. There is a Friend's episode where they tell Rachel to not hold the baby like a foot ball. That is exactly how I felt.I felt like I was being forced to do something, and I couldn't handle it.

That pretty much describes, the first 3 nephews.

But with the 4th, the pain was faint enough that I could enjoy it all. I was so excited when this little guy was born and I couldn't not get enough of him.

I don't play favorites, I promise. And yet, this guy holds an extra piece of my heart. Maybe he helped to fill some of the hole that was there from my infertility.

I just can't believe my "baby" is growing up.

The Big Reason

While trying to be true to myself, and not feel the need to hide who I am, I am going to give a short version of why we don't go to church anymore. I know it confuses people because we tried to adopt through LDSFS, and you have to be LDS to do so, but I don't consider myself LDS anymore.

I got married in the temple because it was the "right thing to do."
When we couldn't have kids, the LDS Church (which I'll call just "the church" for the rest of this post), encouraged us to adopt.
When we were selected, they encouraged us to treat it as near to being pregnant as we could. Celebrate the moments! Announce it to family and friends!

After the adoption, the church did nothing. Not that they should have done much, but they literally did nothing. I bawled in church the day after that baby was born. No one noticed.

Each member might feel differently, but the general belief seems to be: If you have a miscarriage, that baby will be yours to raise in the next life. The church had told us that our being unchosen was kind of like a miscarriage.

Except that baby is now sealed to another family.

We're a loop hole. And I simply can NOT live with that.

I'm not saying the LDS church is wrong. But I am saying, it is not for me.

New Purpose for This Blog

I've been browsing the internet today and have found several childless bloggers and feel like I have found a new set of friends. I have felt so alone lately. My heart and soul cry to find others who are childless like me.

Reading all of their different experiences has brought tears to my eyes. Tears for their sorrows, but also, tears to know I'm not alone.

So I am going to try to make this blog a more active blog again. So others out there can know they aren't alone.

I thought once we felt good about closing our adoption profile, the ache would go away. It did fade to the back ground, but it is still there. I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one like that! I find myself constantly yelling at my internal clock to shut up. We are done, it shouldn't hurt. But sometimes, it still does.

I've been afraid to blog here because I don't want to hurt feelings. But I'm slowing learning that I need to stand up for myself. I'm human, just like every one else. I shouldn't have to brush my feelings and emotions under the rug to spare a few hurt feelings. This is MY blog. You are welcome to read it or you can leave.

I just need a safe place to express my feelings and I am going to make that place here.

I'm Struggling

I need to quit lying to myself and admit, I am really struggling right now.

It started when I started packing to move. Its like all these memories came rushing back and were trying to drown me.

I remembered how I felt when we moved into that house. I was hopeful and I just knew we would start a family there.

I can remembered sitting on the couch with Josh and reading his test results.

I remembered the countless hours trying to put together an adoption profile.

I remembered getting that first email from C. And the first phone call with  her. And the first time meeting her.

And the email that made it all come true.

And the email that took it all away.

After that memory, I couldn't get out of that house fast enough. I wanted it behind me and I was never looking back. (And the bats. They were just as bad!)

I stumbled onto things that I had bought while in the adoption spirit. Stuff I thought would be a good birth mom gifts or other things that inspired me. Luckily, I had gotten rid of all the other baby stuff last year. I don't know if I could have dealt with that too while I was going through all this other emotion turmoil.

I just kept telling myself "get out of here and it will all go back to normal."

But it hasn't.

Babies are on my mind all.the.time right now. There is this "what if" voice in my head and it is driving me insane.

I was over this.

No, that doesn't mean we are thinking of trying again. I still swear that bridge is burned. I can't put myself through that again.

I just wish I could get the voices in my head and my heart to agree with each other.

Why Am I Crying?!

Why am I crying?!

Not bawling really, just small tears trickling down.

But why?

I'm sure it could hormones; it is that time of the month.

Or I could blame stress. House buying, what an adventure.

Or lack of sleep. But I think that is because of the stress.

Or is it tears of happiness for another? Someone who really deserves this happy ending. My first thought was "No way? I'm so happy for her!" She deserves this pregnancy more then anyone I know.

Or is it sadness? For a path of happiness I never got to travel. Not that I'm not happy, cause I am. I just read a hilarious book written by a lady who lives childfree. LOVED it! Just like when you deal with infertility, once you decide to live child free, people are so judgmental and say the meanest/stupidest things.

Or maybe its just tears from remembrance of a painful time.

Infertility, I will never figure you out.

Warning: Explosion of Feelings

Not sure if I'll ever publish this, but I need to vent.

Why must infertility affect relationships so much?

Before we had nephews, I had a good relationship with the in-laws and a mediocre one with mine. Now that there is nephews, on both sides, it feels like the opposite. Great relationship with my family, but I feel like the one with the in-laws isn't as good as it used to be.
 

When it comes to my family, I'm grateful I finally have a good relationship. Its almost like we needed those kids to love together to give us something in common. I would not trade the world for the relationship I have with my sister now. But I miss the relationship I used to have with my in-laws. Yet, I have no idea what went wrong or how to fix it.
 

I feel so out of the loop anymore. I'm pretty sure it all boils down to: we don't have kids, so we aren't as important.
 

Or maybe its the whole church thing. If we don't go, we aren't as important. I don't want to get into the whole church thing because I respect those who go and I keep hoping for the same respect back.
 

The short version is, church isn't for me anymore. Nothing else has changed other then the fact I don't go to church on Sunday's. I'm still me. I still scrapbook. I still love my husband and my cats. I still spend lots of time spoiling the nephews. I still like the same kind of books and movies. I just don't have the desire to let religion to be a part of my life anymore. Its not like I've become a deep, dark person with no soul all the sudden.
 

Or maybe its a combination of both the above reasons.
 

I want to fix things, but after the whole infertility roller coaster, its like I feel the need to immediately put up walls and become defensive around people, even when we're just over for a Sunday lunch or other simple gathering.
 

Its not like I feel like I'm hated, just valued as less worthy or less important. Like I can't bring as much to the family. Or like we are less insignificant. But we aren't. Josh and I are still a family unit on our own. We have just as many dreams, aspirations, heartaches, tough times, etc. as any one else in the family.
 

I take it personally that my birthday gets forgotten. And that we miss out on other family things. I know I act like its not important to me, but it is. I've just been hurt so many times, I feel the need to act standoffish. But when I realize we've missed something, inside, I am crushed. Even missing the little things hurts.
 

I could give examples, but anymore, I don't know who reads this blog and I don't want to say something that will be taken the wrong way.


With my family, I feel like I'm "in the loop". With the in-laws, stuff will come up and they expect me to know about something that happened last month, but this is the first time it was mentioned to me. Then I feel dumb for not knowing. But if I don't know there is something I'm supposed to know, how am I supposed to know I'm missing out on it?
 

Its so frustrating! But I don't know what to do!
 

I wish I could explain it better. With my sister, I feel comfortable inviting myself to things. And when she says yes, I can feel her excitement to have me there. With the in-laws, its like..., well its just different. And even when I don't invite myself, my sister is right there inviting me anyways. I love that our relationship is like that.
 

Its like she sees me as someone who can be an important part of the boys lives. Gifts are great, but that's not all I am. And I feel like her boys love and adore me. Maybe that comes from being around them so much more, but again, that's because I feel like I'm of worth to contribute something to them. Not just a face in the crowd.
 

And maybe I'm being to harsh. The in-laws have made sure the boys give us hugs when we bring gifts or treats. Again, I'm just at a loss of words of how to describe how it feels so different. Like there is a different feeling in the air or atmosphere between the two families.
 

And friendships? Sigh. Its hard to make friends with people who had kids. I was trying to explain it to the hubs when I was complaining one night that I had no one to hang with. He mentioned a few people I work with. I would enjoy hanging with them, but after they work a 10 hour day, I'm sure the place they want to be the most, is with their kids. I know that is how I would feel if I was a working mother.
 

Or again, maybe its the whole religion thing again. Please know, even if our values are different, we can respect yours. If we offend in word or action, please say something and we will correct it. Don't want us drinking around you? Done. Its not like we drink that much anyway, just an occasional one here and there. Granted, my swearing has gotten a little worse, but I try to watch myself around others. Or is it is something else? Just let me know. I'd rather be told what I did wrong so I can fix it, rather then just be ignored and forgotten.
 

So I think to myself, find some friends that don't have kids, you know, just like you. That is proving harder then I thought it would be.
 

Sometimes, I feel like I'm a small child standing away from the groups at recess praying, please be my friend.

 

 

Now this just sounds like a desperate plea to be noticed.... Maybe its time to publish this so I quit coming back and repeatedly sticking my foot in my mouth. I'll probably end up regretting publishing this. Why? Because I try so hard to be a people pleaser, and I'm pretty sure this whole thing goes against that. But I have feelings, and I can only hold them in for so long before they spill out. Maybe if I got this stuff off my chest more often, it wouldn't explode out of control like this.

 

 

Or maybe this is all just in my head and I'm over analyzing everything way to much.

 

 

I thought when I moved beyond my infertility, I would no longer experience this lonely feeling anymore...

I find myself wondering if it really is better to have loved and lost rather then to have not loved at all.

Being an expectant mom was some of the happiest moments of my life. I was on top of the world. Even everyone questioning "what if" couldn't knock me down. Shame on all of you naysayers. Forget how it turned out, you should have been happy for me when I was happy.

Being unchosen, and the months that followed, were the darkest moments of my life. Sometimes I'm amazed I survived it.

I still question (and probably always will) why it had to happen. Since deciding to not pursue parenthood anymore, Josh and I have found peace. So why did we need to try to adopt only to fail? Are we better off because we tried? Is it better to have tried and failed rather then to not have tried at all.

I hate to think of us still being stuck in the eternal limbo of hoping to get looked at. If we had never met C, would we still be waiting? Waiting for nothing? Maybe we needed to try and fail just so we could move forward with our lives. For that, I guess I am grateful for C. I know people who were approved even before us and they are still waiting. Still waiting for baby #1 to find them. I'm so glad that isn't us anymore. I'm not saying their baby won't find them, I'm hoping their family will grow. I'm just grateful to be past the waiting and wondering. I'm so glad Josh and I were able to find peace with our family the size it is.

I know we've always had the freedom of being just us, but over the last 2 years, we've really come to appreciate it. I love our last minute dates. I love not being tied down. I love that when we decided to plan a cruise, it was that much less complicated. I know I complained about all the traveling for the recent wedding celebrations, but I really did love it all. I'm glad we didn't have to worry about kids and the long hours on the road or even having to miss stuff because of kids. I love late Wii nights with our other childless friends.

And I LOVE spoiling my nephews. I just went with my sister to take Valex to his first movie and I had a BLAST. I've started thinking about what I want to get them for Easter and I could end up spending quite a bit. I love those little boys so much and through them I have been able to feel the void I once had in my heart.

My two best friends are relations, but I didn't come to know them until we were all led to adoption. I hate to think of all the time we've missed together before then. But I'm so glad that through infertility and adoption, I was able to get to know them and love them. As Heather said, "it was fate". Yes, I think it was.

In 2009, we had a yard sale to raise some money for our adoption fund. We didn't earn much, but I've come to realize, that's because something else needed to come from the yard sale. One of my dad's relations came and bought some books. Then she mentioned that her oldest daughter, Heather, was looking into adoption. I told her I'd love to visit with her. I remembered her from childhood, but she was my sister's age so we were never close. I can't even remember who emailed who first, but soon afterwards an amazing friendship blossomed. I'm forever grateful for that. She is one of my dearest and truest friends.

I can't even remember how Jessica and I finally connected, but I know it was somehow through FSA. I haven't had a bff since I got married and I didn't realize how much I missed that.

One failed adoption broke my heart, but when I look at all the other blessings, it almost seems worth it.

The Dream That Never Lived, but Never Died

A few weeks ago, I was bored. B.O.R.E.D. So I got on Pinterest. After looking at all my favorite boards, I was still bored. So I started looking at the boards I never look at. I ended up on the kids board. I thought maybe I could find some fun projects to do with the nephews. Instead, I was bombarded by baby paraphernalia. Baby shoes, baby dresses, baby.baby.baby. Next thing I knew, I'm bawling because I want a baby too.

In the heat of the moment, I wrote out a poem. I'm sure it doesn't hold to perfect poem form, but it was my thoughts at that exact moment. After finishing it up, I set it aside and thought I'd come back to it a few days later and fine tune it. The next morning, I woke up fine with the way things were and forgot about it.

I stumbled onto it today. The feelings did not come rushing back, but I've decided I want to publish this on my blog. Infertility never goes away. Its not something a person can just "get over." But it is something that most people can accept. I'm never going to be a mother and that is ok. Once upon a time, it wasn't. It was devastating. But now, this is my life and it is just as wonderful. 

The Dream that Never Lived, but Never Died
My little baby, some days,

I still yearn for you.

My arms ache to hold you.

My ears yearn to hear your cries.

Years of trying.

Years of hoping.

Years of hurting.

Denied by nature.

Denied by fate.

You were my dream denied.

Even after moving on,

I still can't help but look back,

From time to time.

You were a dream that never lived,

but also never died. 

The clock may never stop ticking.

A moment or memory,

Or a thought of what could be

Brings it all rushing back.

And I can't help but wonder.

I can only spare a moment for you,

Life moves on, so must I.

I am blessed in other ways.

A tear slips out, but only one.

Heaven knows I've cried an ocean over you.

You never grew in my belly.
I never held you in my arms.

But you were always in my heart.

You were a dream that never lived, 
But also never died.

(This poem is property of Savannah Christensen, written on 1/14/13.)

So many thoughts...

I have thoughts that I want to write out, but sometimes, its hard to find the right words.

I think the most important and the happiest are from last Friday. Last Friday, Josh and I were able to attend C's wedding. It was the most amazing day and I will treasure it always. I'm so happy for her and her new husband and hope they have an amazing life together. I'm also grateful for the friendship C and I share. I think from an outsiders view, our friendship might seem strange, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Seeing her again was AMAZING! When we got there, we were able to meet the groom, but we didn't say hi to the bride until after the ceremony. I thought we were both going to cry. I forgave her a long time ago for what happened, but to actually see her, to HUG her,...there are no words for the joy I felt at that moment.

Which leads to my next train of thought. I'm so glad she came into our lives. In its own strange way, I think we needed to go through that to lead us to where we are now. I can't speak for any other infertile couple, but for us, I think we needed that painful experience so we could move on with our lives. I think if it had never happened, we would still be living with our lives on hold. I think most infertile couples need that painful moment (be it miscarriage or adoption not working) to help them choose a path for their family. I don't think a couple "quits" because it was too hard and too painful. If they do choose to go on the childless path, I think that is because they have finally been able to close the door. For us, that is what we did. Its like I needed that so I could know I tried my best, but life had different plans. Plans which Josh and I love to the fullest.

I will admit, I had a few days of daydreaming a while back. A situation came up, and the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to get excited. I was even having dreams of being a mom again. I kept it to myself for a few days before telling the hubs. But the second I told him, it all became real and I realized, that was not something I really wanted anymore. That door in my life is closed.

Which leads to the next train of thought. (Like I said, I've had a lot lately.) I'm okay with our decision, but also at complete PEACE. There was a day when I didn't think that would be possible. I see other couples and wonder if they made their "childless" decisions too soon. I wonder if they are trying to be ok with it, but deep down, they aren't at peace with it, but rather its a decision they made grudgingly.  Its like they understand this is their life now, but deep down, they wish it was different. Its hard for me to explain, especially since I really don't know their whole situation, so maybe I shouldn't even speculate. I just wish they could all find peace. Not just shrug their shoulders and pretend its all ok. I know there is a difference between mere acceptance and full peace.

Another thought that kind ties into all of this, dear god, don't ever let me suddenly have a miracle pregnancy. I was bored a few days back and decided to go check out a blog I used to follow several months back. Imagine my shock and surprise to learn she was pregnant. (They have some adopted kiddos.) My first thought was "Thank God that isn't me!" Then I switched over to happiness for her. I know we have the whole "no sperm" thing going on in our marriage, but I never miss a day of my period regulation pill (other wise known as birth control). I take it to keep my body on a regular schedule, but when seeing her surprising news I decided to never miss that pill. (Someday I want a hysterectomy, but that is another day, another post and probably a ways down the road.)

Am I random enough yet?

My dear friend H finalized the adoption of her kiddos a few months ago. But I swear, each time she posts a picture, I get all giddy again for her. I'm so freakin' happy for her!

Then I think of another dear friend K, and their recent heartbreak. Like I said, I'm at peace with how are situation turned out. But when I think of K, I think where I was at that point in my grief. I find myself counting months again. In November, that little boy will have been gone for 6 months. Shortly after that, they will mourn his 1st birthday. Not to mention the upcoming holidays. They were to be the 1st of each joyous occasion. Now they will be the 1st almosts, the 1st reminders of what could have been. I remember how raw that pain was and my heart hurts for her and her husband. I wish there was a way to not feel that pain. But its all part of the grief process. Even though he "wasn't" their child, well, fact is, he "was" their child. A person doesn't get over a loss like that. You can't take a little one into your home and not love them. Not when you love someone so much. Its like having your own child die. You can't have more children and forget that one. Or even, just imaging loosing your spouse. Even if down the road you remarry, your heart never forgets or ever stops loving.

Last thought, for now. I now get excited about baby showers. NEVER saw that coming! A few weeks ago, I was among a group of friends and one of them had exciting news. I, for one, thought she handled it well. She seemed kinda quite when she said she had exciting news, like she didn't want to hurt my feelings. Then when she told me they were expecting, she asked if I wanted to see ultra sound pics. I'm still not sure what I'm looking at when I look at those, but I eagerly agreed. EAGERLY! Who am I?! But I am so excited for her. She doesn't know what she is having yet, but I'm working on a boy blanket, just in case. (I already have a good supply of girl ones.) I told her I expect an invite to the baby shower when it takes place.

Seriously, sometimes I can NOT believe the turn around I see in myself. I didn't do baby showers. I did not get excited about people expecting, until I had a good cry for myself. And even then, it was never a full excitement. But like I said, its like once I closed that door, I freed myself to live completely. To those of you still hoping to grow your family, I hope with all my heart, it works out for you. May God find a way to give you a little one. If not, I hope you can find peace in your life. But don't stop trying until you find that peace. Don't ever close that door until you are ready.

I guess why this blog is so quite now. I started it as a place to write out my struggles and my sorrows. When I was feeling down, I knew I could turn it and at least write about it without feeling like I was being judged or criticized or whatever. This blog was my safe place to vent and to cry. Now that I don't need that, I don't seem to need this blog anymore.

But this blog has too much history in it. I could never delete it. Maybe I'll turn it into a book someday. Even though I no longer live in the middle of the infertile world, this is still a piece of me. All of it has led to who I am now. I could never erase that. So this blog will stay right were it is.

Maybe I'll pop in from time to time.