The Dream That Never Lived, but Never Died

A few weeks ago, I was bored. B.O.R.E.D. So I got on Pinterest. After looking at all my favorite boards, I was still bored. So I started looking at the boards I never look at. I ended up on the kids board. I thought maybe I could find some fun projects to do with the nephews. Instead, I was bombarded by baby paraphernalia. Baby shoes, baby dresses, baby.baby.baby. Next thing I knew, I'm bawling because I want a baby too.

In the heat of the moment, I wrote out a poem. I'm sure it doesn't hold to perfect poem form, but it was my thoughts at that exact moment. After finishing it up, I set it aside and thought I'd come back to it a few days later and fine tune it. The next morning, I woke up fine with the way things were and forgot about it.

I stumbled onto it today. The feelings did not come rushing back, but I've decided I want to publish this on my blog. Infertility never goes away. Its not something a person can just "get over." But it is something that most people can accept. I'm never going to be a mother and that is ok. Once upon a time, it wasn't. It was devastating. But now, this is my life and it is just as wonderful. 

The Dream that Never Lived, but Never Died
My little baby, some days,

I still yearn for you.

My arms ache to hold you.

My ears yearn to hear your cries.

Years of trying.

Years of hoping.

Years of hurting.

Denied by nature.

Denied by fate.

You were my dream denied.

Even after moving on,

I still can't help but look back,

From time to time.

You were a dream that never lived,

but also never died. 

The clock may never stop ticking.

A moment or memory,

Or a thought of what could be

Brings it all rushing back.

And I can't help but wonder.

I can only spare a moment for you,

Life moves on, so must I.

I am blessed in other ways.

A tear slips out, but only one.

Heaven knows I've cried an ocean over you.

You never grew in my belly.
I never held you in my arms.

But you were always in my heart.

You were a dream that never lived, 
But also never died.

(This poem is property of Savannah Christensen, written on 1/14/13.)