Thursday, April 11, 2013

Warning: Explosion of Feelings

Not sure if I'll ever publish this, but I need to vent.

Why must infertility affect relationships so much?
Before we had nephews, I had a good relationship with the in-laws and a mediocre one with mine. Now that there is nephews, on both sides, it feels like the opposite. Great relationship with my family, but I feel like the one with the in-laws isn't as good as it used to be.
When it comes to my family, I'm grateful I finally have a good relationship. Its almost like we needed those kids to love together to give us something in common. I would not trade the world for the relationship I have with my sister now. But I miss the relationship I used to have with my in-laws. Yet, I have no idea what went wrong or how to fix it.
I feel so out of the loop anymore. I'm pretty sure it all boils down to: we don't have kids, so we aren't as important.
Or maybe its the whole church thing. If we don't go, we aren't as important. I don't want to get into the whole church thing because I respect those who go and I keep hoping for the same respect back.
The short version is, church isn't for me anymore. Nothing else has changed other then the fact I don't go to church on Sunday's. I'm still me. I still scrapbook. I still love my husband and my cats. I still spend lots of time spoiling the nephews. I still like the same kind of books and movies. I just don't have the desire to let religion to be a part of my life anymore. Its not like I've become a deep, dark person with no soul all the sudden.
Or maybe its a combination of both the above reasons.
I want to fix things, but after the whole infertility roller coaster, its like I feel the need to immediately put up walls and become defensive around people, even when we're just over for a Sunday lunch or other simple gathering.
Its not like I feel like I'm hated, just valued as less worthy or less important. Like I can't bring as much to the family. Or like we are less insignificant. But we aren't. Josh and I are still a family unit on our own. We have just as many dreams, aspirations, heartaches, tough times, etc. as any one else in the family.
I take it personally that my birthday gets forgotten. And that we miss out on other family things. I know I act like its not important to me, but it is. I've just been hurt so many times, I feel the need to act standoffish. But when I realize we've missed something, inside, I am crushed. Even missing the little things hurts.
I could give examples, but anymore, I don't know who reads this blog and I don't want to say something that will be taken the wrong way.

With my family, I feel like I'm "in the loop". With the in-laws, stuff will come up and they expect me to know about something that happened last month, but this is the first time it was mentioned to me. Then I feel dumb for not knowing. But if I don't know there is something I'm supposed to know, how am I supposed to know I'm missing out on it?
Its so frustrating! But I don't know what to do!
I wish I could explain it better. With my sister, I feel comfortable inviting myself to things. And when she says yes, I can feel her excitement to have me there. With the in-laws, its like..., well its just different. And even when I don't invite myself, my sister is right there inviting me anyways. I love that our relationship is like that.
Its like she sees me as someone who can be an important part of the boys lives. Gifts are great, but that's not all I am. And I feel like her boys love and adore me. Maybe that comes from being around them so much more, but again, that's because I feel like I'm of worth to contribute something to them. Not just a face in the crowd.
And maybe I'm being to harsh. The in-laws have made sure the boys give us hugs when we bring gifts or treats. Again, I'm just at a loss of words of how to describe how it feels so different. Like there is a different feeling in the air or atmosphere between the two families.
And friendships? Sigh. Its hard to make friends with people who had kids. I was trying to explain it to the hubs when I was complaining one night that I had no one to hang with. He mentioned a few people I work with. I would enjoy hanging with them, but after they work a 10 hour day, I'm sure the place they want to be the most, is with their kids. I know that is how I would feel if I was a working mother.
Or again, maybe its the whole religion thing again. Please know, even if our values are different, we can respect yours. If we offend in word or action, please say something and we will correct it. Don't want us drinking around you? Done. Its not like we drink that much anyway, just an occasional one here and there. Granted, my swearing has gotten a little worse, but I try to watch myself around others. Or is it is something else? Just let me know. I'd rather be told what I did wrong so I can fix it, rather then just be ignored and forgotten.
So I think to myself, find some friends that don't have kids, you know, just like you. That is proving harder then I thought it would be.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm a small child standing away from the groups at recess praying, please be my friend.
Now this just sounds like a desperate plea to be noticed.... Maybe its time to publish this so I quit coming back and repeatedly sticking my foot in my mouth. I'll probably end up regretting publishing this. Why? Because I try so hard to be a people pleaser, and I'm pretty sure this whole thing goes against that. But I have feelings, and I can only hold them in for so long before they spill out. Maybe if I got this stuff off my chest more often, it wouldn't explode out of control like this.
Or maybe this is all just in my head and I'm over analyzing everything way to much.
I thought when I moved beyond my infertility, I would no longer experience this lonely feeling anymore...

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