Sunday, September 8, 2013

I'm Struggling

I need to quit lying to myself and admit, I am really struggling right now.

It started when I started packing to move. Its like all these memories came rushing back and were trying to drown me.

I remembered how I felt when we moved into that house. I was hopeful and I just knew we would start a family there.

I can remembered sitting on the couch with Josh and reading his test results.

I remembered the countless hours trying to put together an adoption profile.

I remembered getting that first email from C. And the first phone call with  her. And the first time meeting her.

And the email that made it all come true.

And the email that took it all away.

After that memory, I couldn't get out of that house fast enough. I wanted it behind me and I was never looking back. (And the bats. They were just as bad!)

I stumbled onto things that I had bought while in the adoption spirit. Stuff I thought would be a good birth mom gifts or other things that inspired me. Luckily, I had gotten rid of all the other baby stuff last year. I don't know if I could have dealt with that too while I was going through all this other emotion turmoil.

I just kept telling myself "get out of here and it will all go back to normal."

But it hasn't.

Babies are on my mind all.the.time right now. There is this "what if" voice in my head and it is driving me insane.

I was over this.

No, that doesn't mean we are thinking of trying again. I still swear that bridge is burned. I can't put myself through that again.

I just wish I could get the voices in my head and my heart to agree with each other.

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