Wednesday, September 11, 2013

My "baby" is Growing Up

I won't deny it, I am a bear (and I'm using a nice term here) when there are pregnancies in the family. We had a several year head start on both sides of our families, so when we didn't produce the 1st grand child, it tore me up and turned me into a pysco witch.

With my sister's 1st pregnancy, I actually did ok for part of it; we were expecting too.
Then when we lost our baby, I was so consumed in my own grief to even be a part of anything else.

It only took me 4 years to find enough peace with my own infertility before I could fully enjoy the anticipation of a new nephew. That was around the time my sister was expecting her 2nd baby.

I seriously love this little guy to pieces.
A few weeks ago, he turned two. I kept telling Josh "my baby is growing up." He finally corrected me and reminded me, he isn't MY baby.

But he still sort of feels like my baby because he was the 1st one I let myself fully love. My happiness for a nephew was finally greater then my ache for a baby of my own.

When my 2nd nephew was born, our profile had been active for almost 2 years and we had had no legit contacts on it. I was severely depressed and caught up only in my grief. I also felt like I had been mislead during the 1st pregnancy, so I was having a hard time with that too. 

We were up visiting one day and suddenly the baby was literally dropped in my lap. I know how to hold babies, I'm not a dummy. But mentally, I wasn't prepared for that. There is a Friend's episode where they tell Rachel to not hold the baby like a foot ball. That is exactly how I felt.I felt like I was being forced to do something, and I couldn't handle it.

That pretty much describes, the first 3 nephews.

But with the 4th, the pain was faint enough that I could enjoy it all. I was so excited when this little guy was born and I couldn't not get enough of him.

I don't play favorites, I promise. And yet, this guy holds an extra piece of my heart. Maybe he helped to fill some of the hole that was there from my infertility.

I just can't believe my "baby" is growing up.

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