Wednesday, September 19, 2012

So many thoughts...

I have thoughts that I want to write out, but sometimes, its hard to find the right words.

I think the most important and the happiest are from last Friday. Last Friday, Josh and I were able to attend C's wedding. It was the most amazing day and I will treasure it always. I'm so happy for her and her new husband and hope they have an amazing life together. I'm also grateful for the friendship C and I share. I think from an outsiders view, our friendship might seem strange, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Seeing her again was AMAZING! When we got there, we were able to meet the groom, but we didn't say hi to the bride until after the ceremony. I thought we were both going to cry. I forgave her a long time ago for what happened, but to actually see her, to HUG her,...there are no words for the joy I felt at that moment.

Which leads to my next train of thought. I'm so glad she came into our lives. In its own strange way, I think we needed to go through that to lead us to where we are now. I can't speak for any other infertile couple, but for us, I think we needed that painful experience so we could move on with our lives. I think if it had never happened, we would still be living with our lives on hold. I think most infertile couples need that painful moment (be it miscarriage or adoption not working) to help them choose a path for their family. I don't think a couple "quits" because it was too hard and too painful. If they do choose to go on the childless path, I think that is because they have finally been able to close the door. For us, that is what we did. Its like I needed that so I could know I tried my best, but life had different plans. Plans which Josh and I love to the fullest.

I will admit, I had a few days of daydreaming a while back. A situation came up, and the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to get excited. I was even having dreams of being a mom again. I kept it to myself for a few days before telling the hubs. But the second I told him, it all became real and I realized, that was not something I really wanted anymore. That door in my life is closed.

Which leads to the next train of thought. (Like I said, I've had a lot lately.) I'm okay with our decision, but also at complete PEACE. There was a day when I didn't think that would be possible. I see other couples and wonder if they made their "childless" decisions too soon. I wonder if they are trying to be ok with it, but deep down, they aren't at peace with it, but rather its a decision they made grudgingly.  Its like they understand this is their life now, but deep down, they wish it was different. Its hard for me to explain, especially since I really don't know their whole situation, so maybe I shouldn't even speculate. I just wish they could all find peace. Not just shrug their shoulders and pretend its all ok. I know there is a difference between mere acceptance and full peace.

Another thought that kind ties into all of this, dear god, don't ever let me suddenly have a miracle pregnancy. I was bored a few days back and decided to go check out a blog I used to follow several months back. Imagine my shock and surprise to learn she was pregnant. (They have some adopted kiddos.) My first thought was "Thank God that isn't me!" Then I switched over to happiness for her. I know we have the whole "no sperm" thing going on in our marriage, but I never miss a day of my period regulation pill (other wise known as birth control). I take it to keep my body on a regular schedule, but when seeing her surprising news I decided to never miss that pill. (Someday I want a hysterectomy, but that is another day, another post and probably a ways down the road.)

Am I random enough yet?

My dear friend H finalized the adoption of her kiddos a few months ago. But I swear, each time she posts a picture, I get all giddy again for her. I'm so freakin' happy for her!

Then I think of another dear friend K, and their recent heartbreak. Like I said, I'm at peace with how are situation turned out. But when I think of K, I think where I was at that point in my grief. I find myself counting months again. In November, that little boy will have been gone for 6 months. Shortly after that, they will mourn his 1st birthday. Not to mention the upcoming holidays. They were to be the 1st of each joyous occasion. Now they will be the 1st almosts, the 1st reminders of what could have been. I remember how raw that pain was and my heart hurts for her and her husband. I wish there was a way to not feel that pain. But its all part of the grief process. Even though he "wasn't" their child, well, fact is, he "was" their child. A person doesn't get over a loss like that. You can't take a little one into your home and not love them. Not when you love someone so much. Its like having your own child die. You can't have more children and forget that one. Or even, just imaging loosing your spouse. Even if down the road you remarry, your heart never forgets or ever stops loving.

Last thought, for now. I now get excited about baby showers. NEVER saw that coming! A few weeks ago, I was among a group of friends and one of them had exciting news. I, for one, thought she handled it well. She seemed kinda quite when she said she had exciting news, like she didn't want to hurt my feelings. Then when she told me they were expecting, she asked if I wanted to see ultra sound pics. I'm still not sure what I'm looking at when I look at those, but I eagerly agreed. EAGERLY! Who am I?! But I am so excited for her. She doesn't know what she is having yet, but I'm working on a boy blanket, just in case. (I already have a good supply of girl ones.) I told her I expect an invite to the baby shower when it takes place.

Seriously, sometimes I can NOT believe the turn around I see in myself. I didn't do baby showers. I did not get excited about people expecting, until I had a good cry for myself. And even then, it was never a full excitement. But like I said, its like once I closed that door, I freed myself to live completely. To those of you still hoping to grow your family, I hope with all my heart, it works out for you. May God find a way to give you a little one. If not, I hope you can find peace in your life. But don't stop trying until you find that peace. Don't ever close that door until you are ready.

I guess why this blog is so quite now. I started it as a place to write out my struggles and my sorrows. When I was feeling down, I knew I could turn it and at least write about it without feeling like I was being judged or criticized or whatever. This blog was my safe place to vent and to cry. Now that I don't need that, I don't seem to need this blog anymore.

But this blog has too much history in it. I could never delete it. Maybe I'll turn it into a book someday. Even though I no longer live in the middle of the infertile world, this is still a piece of me. All of it has led to who I am now. I could never erase that. So this blog will stay right were it is.

Maybe I'll pop in from time to time.


  1. I am so glad you guys have found peace. I think that that is one thing that infertile couples have the hardest time achieving, no matter their path! We almost quit our foster care journey because it was too hard and too painful and I don't think we are alone in those feelings. Everyone goes through different trials though :-).

  2. I've known about your infertility/adoption journey for years now, and I know most of what you've been through...I just have to tell you, you are a freaking STRONG woman for the things you've had happen through-out all of this. Probably one of the strongest I know! I'm so happy to know that you and Josh are happy!!!