Over the last few months, my heart has been in turmoil. Its as if all of my infertility issues have come back to haunt me. My heart has been in constant turmoil for weeks now.
I'd go back and forth. "Maybe we should try again?" "But we're happy" "I just started school." At the end of the day, the logical part of my brain would say no. But then, a day or two later, I'd find myself in tears once again.
A few weeks ago, we had a guest speaker at church. Something she said really stuck with me. She was talking about how after she found Christ, she was overcome with grief about her marriage, which had ended several years previously. (I think she said 12 years, but I can't remember for sure.) She told us how, once she found Christ, it was like she could suddenly grieve her marriage.
That was just what I needed to hear.
By the time we had decided to pull our adoption profile, we didn't go to church much. And even when we did go, our hearts weren't into it. That's not to say I didn't pray about closing our profile, because I did. We had been talking about it for months and it just reached the point where it was time to decide one way or the other. In the end, we felt ok about closing our profile and moving on.
After listening to this lady, I realized, I don't think I ever fully grieved my infertility in full. We grieved when we realized we couldn't conceive on our own, but we moved on to adoption. At that point, I still believed I would be a mother someday. After we were unchosen, we grieved, but it was over the loss of the baby girl.
I don't think I've ever fully acknowledged my infertility as a whole. At each stage, there was still some hope. Then, when we were unchosen, I was too deep into the grief of that loss, that I couldn't acknowledge the loss of my dream of motherhood as a whole.
Since realizing this, I have done much better. I still have days where it gets to me, but its seems manageable now. I think I have a better understanding of what my heart is going through and I can hopefully find peace again.
You can find more of this weeks #MicroblogMondays posts HERE.
1 day ago