Dear Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
I would like the chance to address your comment that you left. I'd like to say it gave me something to think about, but mostly it just made me want to share some thoughts of my own.

You said:

Listen, why don't you just adopt. It'll be infinitely rewarding. A human soul is a human soul, it needs nurture, love and support. If you give that to him, he will be your child. Any child you would've given birth to would also have been an individual, maybe nothing like you or your husband. Similarities in genetics or physical appearance eventually only brings you so much joy. What brings joy is seeing a child laugh because of something you did, seeing them do kind things, seeing them grow into the best version of themselves. Because of you. You have nephews, you know this. So go ahead and try and adopt, what's stopping you. There are so many children out there, so so many, that need loving homes and human influences in their lives. You can do that for them. Stop moping and go for it!

Is this your first visit to this blog? If so, can I recommend you read a few posts on this blog and my other blog?
Nobody Told Me

UnChosen
 (Just to point out a few, basically the start and the end. But that are some many posts about our adoption journey over the years.On both blogs.)

Also, you can just look at my sidebar on this blog to get a brief history of our journey.

My next question is, have you adopted your self? Or are all of your children conceived biologically?
Its really hard to answer your question without know that part.

If you have adopted, then you know what a hard, long, expensive, emotional journey it can be. In that case, I'm not sure if its passion that drives you to suggest we adopt or what your motive is. But I would think if you had adopted before you would be more understanding of my own decision.

If you haven't adopted, can I ask why? If you are so concerned for the orphans of the world, don't push them off on childless couples in hopes to ease your conscience. Go and adopt them yourself.  Then maybe you can learn what a hard, long, expensive, emotional journey it can be.

But really, I'm going to guess that you haven't adopted before, because one of the things infertile couples HATE to hear is "why don't you just adopt?" Its not like I sign my name on a dotted line and 9 months late I have a baby. If only it were that easy. (Again, I refer you to notice in my side bar we tried to adopt for years.)

I have stewed over your comment all day. I'll tell you now, I over think EVERYTHING.

My many thoughts today have included:

* "Hello, can't you see that we did try?"  To which you would refute, "You're just worried of getting hurt again."

On one hand, yes, I am terrified to put my heart on the line again. After being unchosen, I sunk pretty low. Not quite suicidal, but on the verge. So yes, to try again and have it fall through again, well, I'm honestly not sure I can do that again.

But I have found peace with what we went thru. That little baby did end up in a loving home. Maybe she would have all along. But maybe, because we were a part of C's life, we were able to help her decide on what she wanted to do.

*I could argue that money is an issue, but honestly, its not anymore. Because we are now older, we are now wiser with our money. We have established careers and have a better income. And if it still wasn't enough, we have offers to help us reach the goal of adoption.

But its not just about money. My heart just isn't into it anymore. I'm still an advocate of adoption. I wish more young mother's would consider it. I wish it was an easier avenue for childless couples to pursue. I wish the world had a better understanding of adoption. Not just the versions they see in the movies, or bad cases portrayed in the news. Most people who adopt, don't magically get pregnant a year later. Most adoptions go thru with out an ugly court case. But those are the things you don't see.

* You mentioned I know all about loving a child because I have nephews. Damn right I do. I love those little boys something fierce. I dare to say that their momma's love them most, followed by their grandma's. Right on those heals is their aunt Savannah.

They have healed the hole in my heart. Because of them, I was able to let go of the dream of becoming a mother.

* Do I mope from time to time? Of course I do. Does a parent who had a child die before them still mourn them years later? Or a family that looses their home to a fire? Or a person who lost a limb to an accident or cancer? Mourning comes in all forms for many reasons. It is a part of human nature. I believe a person can move on with life, but it still okay to grieve for what might have been or what was. I believe the grief cycle becomes less intense, but it never ends.

So yes, I still have my sad moments from time to time. But they aren't near as painful as they used to be. I acknowledge how I am feeling and then I move on. Those moments are pretty rare. I don't think 5 minutes of sadness means I need to jump back into the adoption world.

I may still be young enough to be a mother, but my heart isn't into it anymore. I'm sure you'll call it selfish, but I am at peace with my life.

However, if you feel so passionately about adopting, I throw your advice back to you.

Nephew #5

I spent the last few days reminding myself: babies are exciting. Grandparents are excited. Parents are over the moon and giddy. Babies are a good thing.

But I struggle. Oh, how I struggle. While everyone rushes in to see the new baby, I sit in my car and cry. I was at the hospital, just a few halls down. But I didn't have the strength to go alone. I sat in my car and cried for 5 minutes. Only to drive to the library and cry for another 10 minutes. I was a wreck.

I am excited to have a new nephew. The first four are pretty awesome and I try my hardest to be their favorite aunt. I would do anything for those boys. For my boys. (That's one of the reasons I'm thrilled its a boy, so I can just keep saying "my boys.") I LOVE being an aunt. They mean the world to me and I dare say no one, but their parents and grandparents, love them more than I do. 

So why is it that a new baby, just hours into this world, can upset me so much?  Why do I find it so hard to share in the joy of everyone else?

We did go see the new baby last night when Josh got off of work. I loved him the second I saw him and was hooked the second I held him. 

Today, I've been much more emotionally stable. I've bragged at work and shown off his picture to anyone who will give me two seconds. But the emotional turmoil of yesterday is still with me.

I've come to realize, its just another part of my infertility I will never fully recover from. I will never get to experience the birth of a child and the excitement that comes with it. Those who are blessed with babies can't walk a mile in my shoes. They will never understand what I go through during a pregnancy. And I will never be able to understand the full joy of their pregnancy. To them, it is full happiness. But to me, it is a reminder of what can not be. And that will always sting.

Its like it forces me to go through the grief process in fast forward. Its a fast, bumpy ride. Its not fun for me, and I'm sure its just as miserable for those I am around. But before I can come to acceptance, I have to experience the denial, anger and depression one more time. Its a whirlwind for me and I wonder if I will even survive. 

Then, I see the baby and all is ok.

The Last Sign

I have worked so hard to move on with my life. I try to not look back. I hold little regrets.

But I can't deny: I tried. I yearned. I ached. I hoped to be a mother. 

Once we decided to live as a childless couple, I did my best to eradicate myself of all evidence of a hoped for baby. At first, it was how I dealt with the pain. I couldn't stand the reminders I was surrounded with. 

After a while, it felt freeing. 

But even then, I still found myself hanging one to one thing, well, two things. 

The blue blanket was the very first one I learned to crochet on. When we first decided to adopt, we had the option to say if we wanted just a boy or a girl. At that time, (maybe because I have such a need for control), we decided to look for a boy. As I sewed around the blanket, I could picture our son in it. Rocking him in my arms.

After some time, we felt it best to broaden our search to either a boy or a girl. So when I saw the purple camo blanket, I knew I needed it, just in case we were blessed with a little girl. As before, I pictured our daughter swaddled in it. 

Over the years, I've had many opportunities to gift these blankets. But I always push them to the bottom of my pile and tell myself I will deal with them later. 

Once again, I find myself with the perfect opportunity to gift the blue one to a little boy. Furthermore, a little boy I already love.

But I don't know if I can do it. 

The little blanket means so much to me and I worry no one will understand its importance. 

The love that went into it. 

The tears it dried. 

To them, it'll just be a blanket. 

But to me, it was a dream. 

It is the only thing I have left to show that we tried to be parents. 

I just don't know that I can let go of that yet. 

Others may ignore or forget that we were almost parents, but I never will. 

Feelings

Recently, I had my feelings hurt and I've really struggled with it since. A few people have told me, I need to approach the other party and let them know. And I have, several times... in my head.

Me: I need to tell you that when you left me out of your shopping trip for baby blanket material, it really hurt my feelings. I spent all week planning on going. I put makeup on before my hair appointment (which I never do) and rushed thru that appointment and finished about 45 minutes early. Only to call and find out you had already left.

Them: Well, we invited you to lunch.

Me: I was an hour away! And the invite felt like a "crap, we forgot her, let's do lunch" invite. I was excited to go spend the day with you, but after being left behind, I wasn't willing to drive that hour "just to do lunch."

Them: Well, you are always so mean when there is a pregnancy.

Me: No, I was mean during the first one. It is you who has left me completely out of this one. I even had to learn it was a boy from an outside source. I know I was horrid thru the first one, but I feel like you haven't given me a chance since.

Them: Well, you never ask.

Me: I've never been pregnant before, I don't know what to ask. But you can at least tell me things like "It's a boy."

Me: Next time, just go on a day I'm working if I'm not really invited. Then it won't hurt so much. One of you made me think I would be included because it was my day off. (Thanks for thinking of me that person!) That is why I planned on going. I will admit, I struggled with it all week. It can be awkward to be the odd man out (aka, the only non-mom in a group). But as I put my makeup that morning, I realized, I was truly excited to go. So it really hurt my feelings to get left behind. Just because we can't have children doesn't mean we don't have feelings. Its been a long time since I was excited for something and I was really excited for that day.

Them: (Now in tears) Well, we just never know with you.

And because the tears have started, the conversation (in my head) always ends there and never comes to life.

I need to quit dwelling on this. Maybe I'm a coward and don't want to broach the issue. But I tell myself, I just don't want to hurt any feelings, so I keep it to myself. But it is eating me up inside. So maybe if I at least get it out on paper, it will help me move on and forget about it.

Mother's Day

This year, for Mother's/Savannah's Day, I decided I wanted a weekend away with the hubs. His work has had him crazy busy and we literally haven't seen each other for two weeks. I did some looking online and decided it would be fun to go to a play and then spend the night in a bed & breakfast and come home the next morning.

My only worry was the "breakfast" part of the bed & breakfast. What if they were busy and all the conversation focused around Mother's Day?

The thing is, Mother's Day doesn't really bother me anymore. I'm sure that has come with the peace I have found since we decided to move on with our lives and enjoy living as a family of two.

A few weeks ago, my aunt gave me an invite to her daughter's baby shower. I could tell she was super excited to be getting her first grandchild and my situation was an after thought. As she handed me the invite she said "well, I know you don't want this, but here you go." I had to laugh because it didn't bother me in the least. I'd maybe even go to it, if it wasn't on a work night 3 hours away from home.

Back to Mother's Day. We were the only couple that stayed there this weekend, so it never even came up. The lady that runs the place was super sweet and we made sure to wish her a Happy Mother's Day.

We had to run into Home Depot for a few things. They had a give away table for mom's. They asked if I was a mother. I said no, and it didn't even sting just a bit to have to admit that.

I spent all morning thinking how freeing it feels to not feel guilty and sad on Mother's Day. Not once was a sad.

We also realized that we have managed to be out of town for the last 3 Mother's Day. Maybe that is part of the trick. In 2012, Mother's Day is the day we traveled home from our cruise. Last year, we were traveling home from Idaho on Mother's Day.

I think my mom is pretty understanding when we don't show up for Mother's Day. I still get her a gift and call her. It helps me to acknowledge my love for her as my Mother, but it doesn't put me on the spot in a crowd and a non-mom. I'm not sure my mother in-law sees it the same way, but I always make sure Josh's calls her that day and we get her a present a few days earlier or later.

As we drove home Sunday, we stopped for lunch. While standing at the salad bar, Josh's aunt walked up to us. (Its a small world!) She was meeting her parents there. So of course, when they arrived, they had to come say hello too. Her mom wished me a Happy Mother's Day and I said thanks. It was an automatic thing for her to say and it was just as automatic for me to answer thanks. No hard feelings at all.

But she must have worried about it, because she came over a few minutes later to apologize. I did my best to reassure her it really didn't affect me, because it didn't!

I guess my point is, I'm so grateful for the peace I have found over the last few years. Years ago, I would have locked myself in my room with a box of chocolate and a bottle of wine and cried my eyes out.

I don't need people walking on eggshells around me. But then I remember, there are some people who do need that in their lives. So I'm glad to see that some people are learning to be more sensitive to infertile couples. Its really just a learning process for all involved. I had to find my peace. Those around me had to learn that infertility is hard. Its a nasty road to travel, but I'm glad mine has leveled out. 

Forgiving Myself

Once again, I have found myself in a slump. I feel fine with my infertility, and then, without notice, I am hurting again. Sometimes I can point out what triggered it, but other times, I can't.

I wasn't even looking for inspiration today. But I keep stumbling onto it.

It started with this quote:

I seriously need to frame that and hang it where I will see it often.

Then, a friend shared this link on Facebook: Learn to Forgive Yourself
It mentions NOTHING about infertility. But I was reading through it and it suddenly occurred to me. Maybe I'm the problem. I started turning thoughts around in my head and applying them to myself in relation to forgiveness. I've thought before that my bitterness is because I've never been able to let go, but I've never been able to figure out what it was and how to let go of it.

That's when it dawned on me.

I have never forgiven myself. 

Instantly, I could trace all my bitterness back to that.

 I've never forgiven my body for not working the way a women's body a should. 
When people ask, I will usually share that we both have problems conceiving. But, I know its me. Sperm would have been useless in my body. I know this in my heart. So I never once blamed Josh for his lack of sperm. It was just a means to an end of something that was never going to happen. But each month, when my period comes, I hate myself.

I hate that I took birth control for YEARS, just to control the symptoms of a horrible period. I hate the side effects I have gone through as I've gone off the birth control, simply because I'm sick of taking a pill every single day. A few weeks ago, I thought maybe I was going through early menopause and I hated my body even more.

I really struggle with my body image. And in my case, I don't think its because of the media and society pressure to be model skinny. No, for me, its because I couldn't make a baby and I've never forgiven myself for that. 

I've never forgiven myself, for never providing grand babies to our parents. 
This might be what eats at me the most and I've held a lot of bitterness over this one. Why do I do that to myself? Both our parents now have grandchildren. But it kills me that I couldn't give them that much more joy by providing my own set of grandchildren for them. I really struggle with this and so I have cut myself off from them. I've told myself, that without a child of my own, I am useless to them.

Being childless is very hard in Utah. I can't compare to other states, but Utah's culture is strongly based on families. At church, they teach you life skills, but all those skills center around preparing to be a mother. When you are an adult, everything is based around creating a family, raising your children, etc. Little time is spent on those who don't have children. Its all brushed over with "someday". I always felt like they never realized that "someday" doesn't always come for some of us.

And its not like I've ever felt excessive pressure from them. Especially, not after all  that we went through. But I've never been able to look past the fact we couldn't provide them more grand babies. I've let it haunt me and break me. They don't need to blame me (not that they ever would). I blame myself enough on my own.

I've never forgiven myself, for not being good enough.
From the moment we were unchosen, I thought, "What did I do wrong?" "What should I have done differently?" I never once thought to blame her. I knew it was my fault. I wasn't good enough. 

I've never forgive myself, for not trying harder.

"Why don't you try foster care?"

"Why don't you try a sperm bank?"

"Why didn't you keep trying to adopt?"

But you know what, we tried our hardest! Its the rest of the world that tries to make me doubt myself.

Foster Card is needed, I won't deny this. But I know myself enough to know I can't do it. It wouldn't be fair to the child, my husband or myself. I will not go into something like that for the wrong reasons.

Sperm bank doesn't matter, not with my body. No point of even trying.

And we tried to adopt for FOUR years. A person can only try for so long before you realize its time to turn around and walk away. 

But still, people with good intentions, try to plant those thoughts and I then I doubt myself. They didn't travel on this journey with me, so they have no idea. And really, I know they are just trying to be helpful, but it does more damage than good. I need to quit letting this happen.

Then, I look at my digital picture frame at work and I see:

Josh helping Valex catch his first fish.

Countless pictures of myself with Daxsen because he was the first baby I could hold.

Myself, with Preston his first time fishing.

Tyler, sitting with Josh, like they are best friends.

Myself, with all of my nephews at the cornmaze.

And I feel so lucky that I'll be getting a 5th nephew this summer.

These boys have brought me countless joy. They have filled the holes in my heart; and continue to do so each time I let another fester drill into my heart time and time again. They are my saving grace. I thought I would never be whole, but with them, I am. 

I just know, that if I could forgive myself, I would be able to move on without looking back. This is the answer I've been looking for. Each time I start to doubt myself, or tear into myself, I'm going to tell myself "You are Forgiven." It wasn't your fault, quit holding it against you. 

Forgiveness

I think I am in the middle of a personal revelation and I just want to soak it all in and figure it out.

But I'm at work and just don't have the time to pause life right now. So here is my random thoughts that I need to build on later. 

I have never forgiven myself. 

 I've never forgiven my body for not working the way a women's body a should.

I've never forgiven myself, for never providing grandbabies. This is hard given the culture I was raised in.

I've never forgiven myself, for not being good enough. Which always amazes me, because I forgave her a long time ago. I always blame myself for the way it ended.

I've never forgive myself, for not trying harder.

Then, I look at my digital picture frame at work and I see:

Josh helping Valex catch his first fish.

Myself, riding with Daxsen his first time on a carousel.

Myself, with Preston his first time fishing.

Tyler, sitting with Josh like they are best friends.

Myself, with all of my nephews at the cornmaze. 

I have so many thoughts I want to expand on, but don't have the time right now. More to come later.  

Life Lessons

Okay life, I'm ready to learn my lesson. Please help me figure this out. 

I thought it was done. Finished. Never to happen again. That door was closed. I didn't realize it could open back up.

Why, on the eve of answering one prayer, do you throw a curve ball at me? At first, it felt like a cruel joke. "Ok, you can have this one little thing. But guess what, I have much more in store for you."

I can't keep running from these situations, hoping they will disappear.

Sometimes, I wish I lived far away from it all. The thick religious community I live in. The over abundance of pregnancy announcements. The never ending politics at work. The responsibility of balancing work, bills, needs and wants. 

So basically, sometimes, I wish I lived in a cave. 

Except, I like running water. And electricity. And every other modern day convenience. And even though I sometimes want to be left alone, I am still social enough to know I can't live away from it all. 

I'm tired of getting beaten down and trying to pick myself back up. The never ending cycle of "what if?".

I'm ready to surrender and go with the flow. I just need you to show me how to do it. 

Content

Wow, maybe it isn't a fluke. I've been able to hold on to this happy mood for almost a week now. Without the mood booster pills I had been taking. I started taking 5htp a few months ago to help stabilize my mood. It actually helped, quite a bit, in several areas of my life and different forms of stress. But I forgot to take it with me when we went on our anniversary trip a few weeks ago. When we got home, I decided to stay off of it for a little while and see how I do.

Than a week later, I had that news that thrilled me.

Now 2 weeks later, I still haven't taken any 5htp.

I wish I could find more inspiration for this blog. But I only seem to need it when I am feeling blue and depressed. Which bothers me, because I don't want this blog to be a negative type of blog. I want it to show that there is strength and healing after dealing with the darkness of infertility. I want it to show that life does go on.

Last week, I got to hold a new born. It was heaven. And the best part was, it didn't hurt. It used to hurt to hold a baby. So much so, that I would just pass on holding a baby at all. But holding that little angel was pure sweetness. Than this week, I got to hold an older baby for a few minutes. Again, heaven.

I look back and I have come so far. I still slip back into darkness and depression from time to time. But its not as deep and doesn't seem to last as long. I just have to deal with it and then move on.

I still see a roller coaster looming ahead of me, but right now it is smooth. I hope I can keep it that way.

Passions

I saw this on Facebook today and just loved it.

I have a few passions in my life, but the very first thing that came to mind was my nephews.

 

I love those guys so much! I'm glad that I have them to fill in the gaps of my life.

Infertility tried to take motherhood from me, but it didn't win completely.

Today was a good day

Today was a good day. I've had so many days recently of hate and bitterness. It was nice to escape those for a while. I hope I can hold onto this attitude. Everything will work out and life will go on.
No tears, some joy and laughter. Yes, today was a good day. Thank you Lord for hearing my desperate, albeit selfish, prayer.

Mercy

I've been going thru something lately. I only hint at it, because I don't know who reads this blog and how it would affect their feelings towards me. So excuse me for the vagueness in this post.

The last few months have been dark for me. I've shed lots of tears. Tears of hurt. Tears of frustration. Tears of jealousy.

"Sometimes, in the midst of heartache and despair, God finds a way to show a little mercy." - Savannah Christensen (Yep, I'm that proud of that quote!)

I'm not much of a prayer person, but I have said a repeated prayer a lot lately, knowing I really had no way of changing anything. That fate was decided months ago. But, oh boy, sometimes He comes thru for me.

Today, I cried tears, once again. But this time, they were tears of joy. It would seem lame to others, so I won't go into it. But it was a HUGE deal to me. Now, I think I can survive the next several months.

Recovering From Heartbreak

I was talking to someone yesterday and found out we knew a person in common. I asked how they were doing and the subject of heart break (and not being able to move on) came up. In this case, it had to do with the love that got away and not being able to love another. This person was kind of critical of the 3rd person. Its been years, why can't he get over it and just find someone else?

I was polite, and just nodded my head. But inside, I thought "sometimes a heartache is so big, you never recover."

I won't deny I've had moments where I want to jump back into the madness of trying to become a mother. But I'm not willing to put my heart on the line like that again. Its not worth the risk to me. I don't think I could survive it a second time. I know, there is no guarantee it would happen that way. I know several people who have tried again, after heart break, and its worked out well the next time around.

I remember the LOOOONG waiting. Then the brief moment of hope and happiness. But that is always followed by the heart ache. It almost crushed me completely.

But a baby is worth it most would say. And I'm not saying they are wrong. But I just don't have it in me to try again.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter. I've moved on with my life. We have found other ways to bring joy to our lives. Just this weekend, Josh admitted he wouldn't have taken the job he did years ago if we had a kid. And he's probably right. But I shutter to think that might mean he would still be stuck in the miserable job he had before.

We probably wouldn't have bought our cute townhouse if we had a kid. Sure, we probably would have bought something else, but house hunting was horrible. The townhouse was literally the only home we could agree on, but if we had a kid, even it wouldn't have worked for us.

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." - Rose Kennedy

I've realized, I will never fully recover from my heartbreak. But I don't think a person should. I feel like if I did recover completely, that would take away the value of it all. I can't ever forget it, it was too big a moment in my life. To forget it would lesson the memory of it all, the happiness and the joy, and I can't do it that dishonor. To completely forget is like making it so it never happened. 

It also helps me to remember, other people go through heartbreak too. And even if its not the same as mine, their pain is still just as real and valid. And that is something I can understand and relate to.  

I swear, I will never understand all the emotions I go thru with my infertility.

Today, I had a friend give birth to a beautiful baby girl today. I am thrilled for her. 100% thrilled. And its not like its her first or a hard achieved pregnancy. (Its her 3rd baby.) But I'm just happy for her.

But when I think of other pregnant people, I am 100% insanely jealous and bitter.

I can't figure out why. But I'm working on it.

No, I'm Not Pregnant

This is another article that really caught my attention.

http://www.whenathome.com/no-im-not-pregnant/

The first time I saw it, I didn't read it. I figured it would apply more to people still trying to conceive and it wouldn't apply to me. But when it kept popping up in my Facebook news feed over and over, I decided to read it.

I still feel like its written towards women trying to conceive, but I can't deny that parts of the article talked to me. It really is a great article to read, but I'm going to highlight my favorite parts and how it touched me.

"She walks around with a weight in her heart. A weight that no one (except other women going through the same thing) can understand."

That is my life. Infertility is always on my mind. I'm trying to come to terms that even if I accept I can't be a mom, it will never leave me completely. Some days are good, but other days are still hard. I'm coming to terms that I will always wonder "what if?"

"Her friends get pregnant and she is genuinely 100% thrilled for them. But she is also genuinely 100% devastated and fights off envious thought every day." 

I think if I could get friends and family to understand one thing, it would be this. I'm happy for you. I really, truly am. But at the same time, I am devastated that its not me. Even though we aren't even trying anymore. It still hurts. But please know, I am happy. I just have conflicting emotions that have to be dealt with.

"She will see her pregnant friends and have such conflicting feelings about their growing bellies that she might not know how to act around them. Not because she's mad at them for being pregnant but because she hates herself for being jealous of someone she loves so much."

This is almost the same as the above quote. I'm happy for you, but at the same time I'm jealous. Those who know me well know that I am an EXTREMELY jealous person. I get jealous if a Victoria's Secret commercial comes on the TV. That jealously also spills over into my infertility. We tried for so long to be parents. I'm going to be jealous. That doesn't mean I hate you or am mad at you. Its just a reminder that I can't conceive on my own. This is not your fault, just the facts.

What I hate is how this leads people to try to hide the fact they are pregnant. Its the big elephant in the room that no one will talk about. I've been in situations where someone will start to ask someone how they are feeling with their pregnancy, look up and notice me and just stop the conversation all together.

Not talking about it doesn't make it go away. I'm a big girl and I can handle it. Don't baby me because it just makes it worse. I would love for there to be a way you could acknowledge the happiness while also acknowledging my pain, but I don't think there is a way. Just don't ignore the fact around me. I'm 100% thrilled, 100% devastated and 100% aware of the fact you are pregnant but trying to pretend you aren't because I'm in the same room. You can talk about it. Don't be afraid to show your joy. Its YOUR pregnancy and you should get to celebrate that. If I need a quite moment to cry, I won't do so on your parade. I'll wait until I'm alone and deal with my emotions then.

I also have those thoughts each month when my period comes. I hate that about my body. HATE! I can't have a baby, but it doesn't stop my body from having periods. Some are just annoying, but some are down right painful. When I have those ones I think "Its not even worth being a woman. I should only be having this kind of pain if I can also reap the benefits of pregnancy. I shouldn't have to go through one without being able to enjoy the other. "

"Its not a race."

This one is really hard for me. (I'm sure I've touched on it before.) We were the first children married on both sides of our family. Therefore, society expected us to be the first to bless our families with grand kids. I once had a person approach me and congratulate me. When I asked him why, he said he had heard that my in-laws were going to be grandparents. It was painful to clarify that we weren't the ones expecting. This used to happen quite often. But, its just another part of my infertile life.

I still struggle with that fact we can't provide grand kids for our families. I feel like a failure to them. I feel like we are treated differently because of it. I can't help but think, if only we had kids then relationship would be different inside our families.

Watching the latest pregnancy has been hard for this reason. We are now the only ones in my husband's family to not provide his parents with grandchildren. This fact is eating me alive right now. Its all I dwell on. Some days I feel like this fact is crushing me and will bury me alive.

"Don't live your life in desperation and jealousy. It will eat your soul."

This is what I constantly work on. Like I said in my previous post, if I spend all my time thinking mothers are happier than me, all it does is make me miserable. And my life isn't miserable or unhappy. Sometimes, I just get caught up in the emotions of infertility and have a pity party. Its an ongoing battle for me, but I am doing the best I can.

Happiness

I have had so many emotions going through my head lately, but I seem to lack the follow through of writing about them.

I've started following more childless blogs and have loved them. But they will talk about something and I think, "Oh, I should do a post on that issue and my thoughts." But then I forget to do it and when I go to, I can't remember what I wanted to say.

I hope I can remember some of them because, at the time, they seemed very important to me.

I remember one was about an article trying to figure out if childless people were happier than people with children. I can't remember where I saw the article, or those who blogged about it. But I do remember some of my thoughts.

I don't think you can compare happiness between people who have children and people who don't. Its like comparing apples to oranges. One lifestyle is so different from the other, its just not possible.

I look at my life and I realize, I have no clue what my sister and sister in-law do for their families. I can't comprehend the homework, taxi service to games, cleaning, bed time stories, caring for sick kids, etc. Its something I've never had to do so its something I can't understand.

And I bet if I were to ask them, they would feel the same about my life.

Random fact: Josh and I go to bed at 8:00 at night. On the weekends, we stay up late, until about 9 - 9:30.

It doesn't happen often, but every once in a while, some random person will call our house at 8:30 pm and wake us up. My first response is "ugg, don't they know we are asleep?" But I realize, they probably don't because they are busy with their own lives. Its probably common for them to stay up until 10 each night. No wonder they don't know we are in bed already.

Let me clarify, its not because our lives are so boring we go to bed early. Both Josh and I have joined the gym and we like to go first thing in the morning. That means we get up at 4:30 each morning. That is why we are exhausted by 8:00 each night.

Another way I know my life differs is, I don't have to plan things out. On weekends, we can stay in our PJ's all day and do nothing. Or we can load up in the car and go take a quick, unplanned trip. Its the freedom that comes with our childless lives.

I don't think I'm any happier than my sister or sister in-law. But, on the other hand, I don't think they are any happier than me. Our lives are just too different to make that distinction. To imply that a life opposite of what you have is happier just seems down grading on the life you have. 

If you spend all your time wishing you had their lifestyle, than yes, you might start to think theirs is happier. But that's because you are focusing all your energy on the things you don't have.

My point is, you take what life gives you and you make it your own kind of happy.

The Voices in My Head

My mind is constantly running. Seriously, like a thousand miles an hour. It has always been that way. I can't just sit and be. I think about EVERYTHING. And if I run out of stuff to think about, I create new stuff.

Like the other morning, while I was doing my hair, this is what played out in my head between myself and an imaginary person.

Them: "You don't know what its like to expect a  baby."

Me: "Um, yes, I kinda do. I know I never had one grow in my belly, but you've forgotten, we were chosen once and almost had a baby girl."

Them: "That's not the same. You don't understand the stress of it all."

Me: "What, you mean how it can end badly?"

Then my brain switched gears. Imaginary's friend has now lost their baby.

Them: "You have no idea the loss they are feeling."

Me: "What, like planning a nursery and picking out a name and loving an unborn child so much your heart felt like it could burst?"

Them: "Well, still, you will never get it."

Me: "I had a name picked out for our little girl! Did you even know that? Or have you just forgotten about what I went through!"

At this point, I'm so mad I can hardly think. I'm now in a sour mood that is going to last all day, simply because of something I made up in my head.

That afternoon, while I was still stewing over it, I realized, I do this ALL.THE.TIME.

I am always thinking too hard and busy coming up with situations. And usually, they are sad or angry situations. And I let them consume me.

When I was going to therapy, they tried to get me to do quite thinking. You just sit and turn the noise off in your head. I tried concentrating on just a sound or a smell, etc. The goal was a minute, than the hope I would work up to 5 minutes. I could never make it past 15 seconds before the gears were spinning out of control. I simply just can't turn off my thoughts.

I think the closest I came was during a bad day at work. I don't remember what happened, but I went to hide in the bathroom for a few minutes. In there, I could hear something, like the furnace or something in the room next to me. I just sat and concentrated on that noise. Then, I started to cry. I quickly stopped, because I was at work.

I think I do a lot of damage to myself and those around me because I can't turn my thoughts off. I don't know what people think of me, or a situation, and I just quickly start to make stuff up in my head. Before long, I'm all defensive and bitter. All because of something I imagined.

I'm having a really hard time right now. But I have to stop and wonder just how much of it is stuff I'm making up in my head.

I try to make up good situations too, but those never play out. I always find a way to turn them into something negative.

I am really stressed about the upcoming months. But how much of it is just made up stress? I wish I could escape the thoughts of my head and just be. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

But then I remember situations, both real and made up, and I just quickly retreat back inside my head.

Maybe its because its safer in there. I can control everything. Maybe its because I can stand up for myself in there and speak my mind. I can pretend that everyone gets me, or just not care when they don't.

I can't decide if its safer in my head or doing me more damage.

I don't know how to survive the next few months. At times, I want to be in the middle and be a big part of it. At others, I just want to hide in a corner and be ignored. I don't think my heart can take anymore of the pressure and pain, but I don't have a choice. Life goes on whether you want it to stop or not.

Maybe if I could just silence the voices in my head it wouldn't be so hard. But I've tried, for YEARS. This is something that has plagued me my ENTIRE life. Why can't I just let myself be at peace?