I was talking to someone yesterday and found out we knew a person in common. I asked how they were doing and the subject of heart break (and not being able to move on) came up. In this case, it had to do with the love that got away and not being able to love another. This person was kind of critical of the 3rd person. Its been years, why can't he get over it and just find someone else?
I was polite, and just nodded my head. But inside, I thought "sometimes a heartache is so big, you never recover."
I won't deny I've had moments where I want to jump back into the madness of trying to become a mother. But I'm not willing to put my heart on the line like that again. Its not worth the risk to me. I don't think I could survive it a second time. I know, there is no guarantee it would happen that way. I know several people who have tried again, after heart break, and its worked out well the next time around.
I remember the LOOOONG waiting. Then the brief moment of hope and happiness. But that is always followed by the heart ache. It almost crushed me completely.
But a baby is worth it most would say. And I'm not saying they are wrong. But I just don't have it in me to try again.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter. I've moved on with my life. We have found other ways to bring joy to our lives. Just this weekend, Josh admitted he wouldn't have taken the job he did years ago if we had a kid. And he's probably right. But I shutter to think that might mean he would still be stuck in the miserable job he had before.
We probably wouldn't have bought our cute townhouse if we had a kid. Sure, we probably would have bought something else, but house hunting was horrible. The townhouse was literally the only home we could agree on, but if we had a kid, even it wouldn't have worked for us.
"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." - Rose Kennedy
I've realized, I will never fully recover from my heartbreak. But I don't think a person should. I feel like if I did recover completely, that would take away the value of it all. I can't ever forget it, it was too big a moment in my life. To forget it would lesson the memory of it all, the happiness and the joy, and I can't do it that dishonor. To completely forget is like making it so it never happened.
It also helps me to remember, other people go through heartbreak too. And even if its not the same as mine, their pain is still just as real and valid. And that is something I can understand and relate to.