No, I'm Not Pregnant

This is another article that really caught my attention.

http://www.whenathome.com/no-im-not-pregnant/

The first time I saw it, I didn't read it. I figured it would apply more to people still trying to conceive and it wouldn't apply to me. But when it kept popping up in my Facebook news feed over and over, I decided to read it.

I still feel like its written towards women trying to conceive, but I can't deny that parts of the article talked to me. It really is a great article to read, but I'm going to highlight my favorite parts and how it touched me.

"She walks around with a weight in her heart. A weight that no one (except other women going through the same thing) can understand."

That is my life. Infertility is always on my mind. I'm trying to come to terms that even if I accept I can't be a mom, it will never leave me completely. Some days are good, but other days are still hard. I'm coming to terms that I will always wonder "what if?"

"Her friends get pregnant and she is genuinely 100% thrilled for them. But she is also genuinely 100% devastated and fights off envious thought every day." 

I think if I could get friends and family to understand one thing, it would be this. I'm happy for you. I really, truly am. But at the same time, I am devastated that its not me. Even though we aren't even trying anymore. It still hurts. But please know, I am happy. I just have conflicting emotions that have to be dealt with.

"She will see her pregnant friends and have such conflicting feelings about their growing bellies that she might not know how to act around them. Not because she's mad at them for being pregnant but because she hates herself for being jealous of someone she loves so much."

This is almost the same as the above quote. I'm happy for you, but at the same time I'm jealous. Those who know me well know that I am an EXTREMELY jealous person. I get jealous if a Victoria's Secret commercial comes on the TV. That jealously also spills over into my infertility. We tried for so long to be parents. I'm going to be jealous. That doesn't mean I hate you or am mad at you. Its just a reminder that I can't conceive on my own. This is not your fault, just the facts.

What I hate is how this leads people to try to hide the fact they are pregnant. Its the big elephant in the room that no one will talk about. I've been in situations where someone will start to ask someone how they are feeling with their pregnancy, look up and notice me and just stop the conversation all together.

Not talking about it doesn't make it go away. I'm a big girl and I can handle it. Don't baby me because it just makes it worse. I would love for there to be a way you could acknowledge the happiness while also acknowledging my pain, but I don't think there is a way. Just don't ignore the fact around me. I'm 100% thrilled, 100% devastated and 100% aware of the fact you are pregnant but trying to pretend you aren't because I'm in the same room. You can talk about it. Don't be afraid to show your joy. Its YOUR pregnancy and you should get to celebrate that. If I need a quite moment to cry, I won't do so on your parade. I'll wait until I'm alone and deal with my emotions then.

I also have those thoughts each month when my period comes. I hate that about my body. HATE! I can't have a baby, but it doesn't stop my body from having periods. Some are just annoying, but some are down right painful. When I have those ones I think "Its not even worth being a woman. I should only be having this kind of pain if I can also reap the benefits of pregnancy. I shouldn't have to go through one without being able to enjoy the other. "

"Its not a race."

This one is really hard for me. (I'm sure I've touched on it before.) We were the first children married on both sides of our family. Therefore, society expected us to be the first to bless our families with grand kids. I once had a person approach me and congratulate me. When I asked him why, he said he had heard that my in-laws were going to be grandparents. It was painful to clarify that we weren't the ones expecting. This used to happen quite often. But, its just another part of my infertile life.

I still struggle with that fact we can't provide grand kids for our families. I feel like a failure to them. I feel like we are treated differently because of it. I can't help but think, if only we had kids then relationship would be different inside our families.

Watching the latest pregnancy has been hard for this reason. We are now the only ones in my husband's family to not provide his parents with grandchildren. This fact is eating me alive right now. Its all I dwell on. Some days I feel like this fact is crushing me and will bury me alive.

"Don't live your life in desperation and jealousy. It will eat your soul."

This is what I constantly work on. Like I said in my previous post, if I spend all my time thinking mothers are happier than me, all it does is make me miserable. And my life isn't miserable or unhappy. Sometimes, I just get caught up in the emotions of infertility and have a pity party. Its an ongoing battle for me, but I am doing the best I can.