Thursday, September 19, 2013

Let Go

I wish I could figure out how to let go of things in my life.
So many of those statements are so true for me.
I've been trying to let go of pain for years, but all I ever manage to do is bury it down deep.
Then, it slowly comes back to haunt me.
I need to give up on my need for control.
The blame.
The need to impress.
My fears.
My excuses.
Maybe if I could get over the past, I could over come all the other areas of my life.
But I swear, its always there, taunting me.
Haunting me.
Reminding me:
That I still hurt.
That I still cry.
That I can't let go.
That I can't forgive and forget.
And the sad thing is, most of these feelings aren't even related to being unchosen, but to other events and people. This bitterness started long before we even started the adoption process.
Infertility is such a big impact on my life. The problem is, most of the world doesn't get that.  I feel like I am the one being asked to move on with my life like things never happened. Like its all my fault I can't have babies and I should just get over it. Like you would expect a child to get over not getting exactly what they want for Christmas.
The peace that came after closing our adoption profile was amazing.
I just can't seem to find the same peace in the other areas of my infertile life.


  1. You aren't alone in your feelings at all! I just blogged about having a happier outlook during infertility but I saw soo many dark days before I was able to be all susie sunshine about it! Still have hard days, it just doesn't hurt as badly! Vent away and work through those hurts, the blogosphere is here for ya :)

  2. It's tough isn't it? I just wrote a post about keeping the peacefulness because that is where I am at the moment. You may or not find it helpful. I don't know.

    What has helped me a great deal is seeing a therapist as well as seeing a good kinesiologist. The healing on an energetic level has been crucial for me. Perhaps something like that will help you as well.

    And Sara is right. Keep venting. We will be here listening and wishing you peace.