Let Go

 

I wish I could figure out how to let go of things in my life.

So many of those statements are so true for me.

I've been trying to let go of pain for years, but all I ever manage to do is bury it down deep.

 

Then, it slowly comes back to haunt me.

 

I need to give up on my need for control.

The blame.

The need to impress.

My fears.

My excuses.

THE PAST.

 

Maybe if I could get over the past, I could over come all the other areas of my life.

 

But I swear, its always there, taunting me.

Haunting me.

 

Reminding me:

That I still hurt.

That I still cry.

That I can't let go.

That I can't forgive and forget.

 

And the sad thing is, most of these feelings aren't even related to being unchosen, but to other events and people. This bitterness started long before we even started the adoption process.

 

Infertility is such a big impact on my life. The problem is, most of the world doesn't get that.  I feel like I am the one being asked to move on with my life like things never happened. Like its all my fault I can't have babies and I should just get over it. Like you would expect a child to get over not getting exactly what they want for Christmas.

 

The peace that came after closing our adoption profile was amazing.

I just can't seem to find the same peace in the other areas of my infertile life.