Living in the Shadow

I've thought more about my post the other day. I was having  a bad day, and one thing led to another, and lost control. I complained to one friend, who didn't get it. So then I complained to another friend, who did. That's why I love you H!

I kept thinking "why is this bothering me so much?" (Sorry I'm going to have to remain slightly vague here.) But then it dawned on me, its because I'm tired of living in the shadow of others. And if this thing does happen, I will once again, be in the shadow.

Its just that sometimes, the shadow gets so big that I fear it will swallow me.

Right now, there are a lot of pregnancies around me. (Why do those always come in waves?)  I can joke, because I've never been pregnant, but seriously, those growing bellies are casting shadows on me. (Sorry ladies, pun intended. But really, your bellies are beautiful.) With some people, every conversations  revolves around their belly. And after 9 months, it just gets old. There has got to be something else going on in your life; you are not JUST a pregnant belly.

Now I just sound bitter, and I don't mean to. I'm actually happy for these growing babies. I wouldn't let a lady move her chair the other night because I didn't want her to strain herself. And I'm hoping like crazy another lady is going to have a girl, so she won't be so out numbered by the boys anymore. I gave another lady a gift and wished it could have been more

I'm not bitter, I just need a break from it all.

This looming shadow isn't pregnancy related, but it still touches a very tender part of my infertility. I've realized, that the first big blow on my infertility, is still the one that hurts the most. After all these years, those relationship are still damaged.

Sometimes, they try to mend it. But I push them away. Then, when I feel like I'm ready to get closer, they are still mad at me and want nothing of it. I know its my fault for being so bitter and hateful, but that event was so crushing to my soul, I feel like it will never mend.

I've let it define me, and I shouldn't.

So, once again, I'm going to try and mend things. When I think of the whole situation, I will only allow myself to think happy thoughts. No more dealing on the past. It is what it is, and its time to finally let go and move on.

If the shadow approaches, I will have to find a way to redirect it.

Let Go

 

I wish I could figure out how to let go of things in my life.

So many of those statements are so true for me.

I've been trying to let go of pain for years, but all I ever manage to do is bury it down deep.

 

Then, it slowly comes back to haunt me.

 

I need to give up on my need for control.

The blame.

The need to impress.

My fears.

My excuses.

THE PAST.

 

Maybe if I could get over the past, I could over come all the other areas of my life.

 

But I swear, its always there, taunting me.

Haunting me.

 

Reminding me:

That I still hurt.

That I still cry.

That I can't let go.

That I can't forgive and forget.

 

And the sad thing is, most of these feelings aren't even related to being unchosen, but to other events and people. This bitterness started long before we even started the adoption process.

 

Infertility is such a big impact on my life. The problem is, most of the world doesn't get that.  I feel like I am the one being asked to move on with my life like things never happened. Like its all my fault I can't have babies and I should just get over it. Like you would expect a child to get over not getting exactly what they want for Christmas.

 

The peace that came after closing our adoption profile was amazing.

I just can't seem to find the same peace in the other areas of my infertile life.

 

 

 

More then one way to be happy

I am a huge fan of scrapbooking. I love pictures. I look at them, and remember so many happy memories. I love preserving those happy memories.

For years, I built up my scrapbook supplies thinking "when I have kids, I will be ready to document every second of their lives." I invested lots of money in those supplies. Those supplies gathered dust as we rode the infertility roller coaster.

As the ride reached its end, I realized, I could still use those supplies. Josh & I have our own adventures, but what I love documenting the most, is my nephews. They are a big part of my life and they bring me so much happiness.

Just last night, I got my newest order of prints in the mail. I scrapbook for myself, but I also try to do it for my mom and my sister.  So any picture order I have is huge, because I will order at least 3 of each print. Multiple in birthday's, fishing, holidays, etc. and it really is a huge project I bring onto myself.

But I love it. It helps me remember I don't have to be a mother to have happiness in my life. Being an aunt has brought more joy into my life then I even imagined. 

From time to time, I will have people imply that I can't be happy, based simply on the fact I am not a mother. But I have found, there are more paths to happiness than just mother hood. When I look at all my pictures, I think my heart will explode from all the love I have for those four boys I have in my life. I can't imagine my life being any different.

I'm glad there are more ways to happiness then just one.

Costs

I know, that when it comes to the finances of infertility, we actually got off pretty easy.

Just a few simple drugs to help me ovulate.

A test to learn we had no sperm.

No extensive drugs or test.

No IUI's or IVF's.

We did have to pay $1000 when we started our adoption profile. That was a LOT of money at that point of our marriage.

After that, there was a few more costs, but like I mentioned above, nothing compared to what a lot of women go through.

For that, I am grateful.

But when we were gathering money for our down payment on our house, I was burned that we lost that $1000 we originally put down to adopt. LDSFS did pretty much nothing during the years we were with them. Shoot, we even found our potential birth mom through a different website we paid a monthly fee for!

I know in this journey of infertility, its all a costly risk, but sometimes it burns more than other times.

My "baby" is Growing Up

I won't deny it, I am a bear (and I'm using a nice term here) when there are pregnancies in the family. We had a several year head start on both sides of our families, so when we didn't produce the 1st grand child, it tore me up and turned me into a pysco witch.

With my sister's 1st pregnancy, I actually did ok for part of it; we were expecting too.

Then when we lost our baby, I was so consumed in my own grief to even be a part of anything else.

It only took me 4 years to find enough peace with my own infertility before I could fully enjoy the anticipation of a new nephew. That was around the time my sister was expecting her 2nd baby.

I seriously love this little guy to pieces.

A few weeks ago, he turned two. I kept telling Josh "my baby is growing up." He finally corrected me and reminded me, he isn't MY baby.

But he still sort of feels like my baby because he was the 1st one I let myself fully love. My happiness for a nephew was finally greater then my ache for a baby of my own.

When my 2nd nephew was born, our profile had been active for almost 2 years and we had had no legit contacts on it. I was severely depressed and caught up only in my grief. I also felt like I had been mislead during the 1st pregnancy, so I was having a hard time with that too. 

We were up visiting one day and suddenly the baby was literally dropped in my lap. I know how to hold babies, I'm not a dummy. But mentally, I wasn't prepared for that. There is a Friend's episode where they tell Rachel to not hold the baby like a foot ball. That is exactly how I felt.I felt like I was being forced to do something, and I couldn't handle it.

That pretty much describes, the first 3 nephews.

But with the 4th, the pain was faint enough that I could enjoy it all. I was so excited when this little guy was born and I couldn't not get enough of him.

I don't play favorites, I promise. And yet, this guy holds an extra piece of my heart. Maybe he helped to fill some of the hole that was there from my infertility.

I just can't believe my "baby" is growing up.

The Big Reason

While trying to be true to myself, and not feel the need to hide who I am, I am going to give a short version of why we don't go to church anymore. I know it confuses people because we tried to adopt through LDSFS, and you have to be LDS to do so, but I don't consider myself LDS anymore.

I got married in the temple because it was the "right thing to do."
When we couldn't have kids, the LDS Church (which I'll call just "the church" for the rest of this post), encouraged us to adopt.
When we were selected, they encouraged us to treat it as near to being pregnant as we could. Celebrate the moments! Announce it to family and friends!

After the adoption, the church did nothing. Not that they should have done much, but they literally did nothing. I bawled in church the day after that baby was born. No one noticed.

Each member might feel differently, but the general belief seems to be: If you have a miscarriage, that baby will be yours to raise in the next life. The church had told us that our being unchosen was kind of like a miscarriage.

Except that baby is now sealed to another family.

We're a loop hole. And I simply can NOT live with that.

I'm not saying the LDS church is wrong. But I am saying, it is not for me.

New Purpose for This Blog

I've been browsing the internet today and have found several childless bloggers and feel like I have found a new set of friends. I have felt so alone lately. My heart and soul cry to find others who are childless like me.

Reading all of their different experiences has brought tears to my eyes. Tears for their sorrows, but also, tears to know I'm not alone.

So I am going to try to make this blog a more active blog again. So others out there can know they aren't alone.

I thought once we felt good about closing our adoption profile, the ache would go away. It did fade to the back ground, but it is still there. I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one like that! I find myself constantly yelling at my internal clock to shut up. We are done, it shouldn't hurt. But sometimes, it still does.

I've been afraid to blog here because I don't want to hurt feelings. But I'm slowing learning that I need to stand up for myself. I'm human, just like every one else. I shouldn't have to brush my feelings and emotions under the rug to spare a few hurt feelings. This is MY blog. You are welcome to read it or you can leave.

I just need a safe place to express my feelings and I am going to make that place here.

I'm Struggling

I need to quit lying to myself and admit, I am really struggling right now.

It started when I started packing to move. Its like all these memories came rushing back and were trying to drown me.

I remembered how I felt when we moved into that house. I was hopeful and I just knew we would start a family there.

I can remembered sitting on the couch with Josh and reading his test results.

I remembered the countless hours trying to put together an adoption profile.

I remembered getting that first email from C. And the first phone call with  her. And the first time meeting her.

And the email that made it all come true.

And the email that took it all away.

After that memory, I couldn't get out of that house fast enough. I wanted it behind me and I was never looking back. (And the bats. They were just as bad!)

I stumbled onto things that I had bought while in the adoption spirit. Stuff I thought would be a good birth mom gifts or other things that inspired me. Luckily, I had gotten rid of all the other baby stuff last year. I don't know if I could have dealt with that too while I was going through all this other emotion turmoil.

I just kept telling myself "get out of here and it will all go back to normal."

But it hasn't.

Babies are on my mind all.the.time right now. There is this "what if" voice in my head and it is driving me insane.

I was over this.

No, that doesn't mean we are thinking of trying again. I still swear that bridge is burned. I can't put myself through that again.

I just wish I could get the voices in my head and my heart to agree with each other.