Last week, I had a friend leave her abusive husband. I have spent months praying for her safety. When she came home, I was overwhelmed with joy. I dove in head first and did what ever I could to help her out. Miracles pour out and things started to fall into place. (You can read more about that HERE.)
Not once, did I question the what if? I'm not even going to spell it out here, because that thought NEVER crossed my mind. I refuse to believe the worst when something amazing is happening.
So when others started to question it, I became angry. I wanted to tell them, that was none of their business. If they couldn't be happy, they could take their attitude some where else, because I wanted no part of it. I was mad because I wanted these people to be happy for her. I wanted them to surround her in love so she wouldn't question her own decision.
But I was also mad because it stirred up old feelings. When we were chosen, very few people responded in a happy "congratulations." Instead, we were bombarded with "what if she changed her mind?"
I was so hurt that people couldn't just be happy for me, not even for a minute. But that was one of those moments when you learn your true friends. Those who were genuinely happy for us, were also the ones that were there for us later to help us pick up the pieces. Those were the ones who called and cried with me. Those are the ones that helped me realize I needed counseling.
Why is it people get to choose when they think its okay to be positive about a situation or when they can be negative about a situation? Why can't people dive in with pure joy and never question the what if's? Why would they try to tear down a good situation with their negativity?
I would never question a pregnant woman, "What if you miscarry?" Or a cancer patient, "What if you die?" So how are these situations different that they would warrant negativity instead of happiness?
I do realize that this all boils down to a person and their individual attitude towards life and there really isn't anything I can do about it except to try and educate people. But like I said, I am bitter right now and just need to vent. I'm worried that if another person tells me "I told you so," I might punch them.
Again, I am learning my true friends. Those who cried tears of joy with me last week are holding me as I cry tear of sorrow this week.
Also, I'd like to ask a favor. Please pay for my friend. Pray that God will keep her and her child safe. Pray that she will find the strength to put her and her child first and be able to cut herself off from a bad situation. Please pray for her family that they can find peace and comfort right now. Please pray for her husband. I won't lie, he's not on my list of favorite people. But, even now, God has reminded that HE is in control. God loves even him. So pray that God can soften his heart and change him. Jesus didn't come to save the sinless, he came to save the sinner.
Oh Savannah. I hear you 1000% on this. I think where it comes from is people have been conditioned not to be negative. And that conditioning has everything to do with advertisement and cultural smacking. It's really too bad that we don't adopt the same attitudes for other situations.
ReplyDeleteThe fact your friend took this first step is huge. Huge!!! Abusive relationships are extremely hard to escape and many feel shame/fear/guilt because there's this assumption that all one has to do is walk away. It's not that easy. The fact your friend and her son did get out is amazing and should be celebrated.
So keep celebrating her and supporting her. You're a good friend and those that are attempting to give you a "reality check" don't have half the courage either of you do. I'll keep you all in my prayers.
Ah, the "what-if" negative people. Not on a par at all with your friend's situation, but I remember taking a new job, and before I left, along with those who agreed that it was a wonderful opportunity, one of my colleagues (a man who had never worked anywhere else) pointed out that the new company was up for sale, and "last in first out!" Cheerful chap. (The sale was a success and I stayed with the company for six years!)
ReplyDeleteI'm hoping very much for your friend that she can find the strength to cut herself off from this dangerous situation. She'll do that with her friends' help, though it may take time. Because as we all know - except those who are stuck in the situation - the first thing abusers do is destroy self-confidence. She's lucky she has you, and all your wonderful other friends who have rallied around her.
Your friend did something that is really hard to do! She is very lucky to have friends like you to help her get back on her feet and start her life anew! You will all be in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteSuch an important post. You're right -- we know better than to say something so negative, so hurtful, to someone with an illness. Yet don't extend the same thoughts to people in other situations.
ReplyDeleteHow amazing for your friend--that is a really, really hard thing to do, especially with a child. Those people are really good at making you question your every decision and your ability to be a thinking person, so the fact that she left is incredibly hopeful! She does need a bombardment of positive messages, not "what ifs." I loved your point about all the ways "what-if-ing" is not socially acceptable... and yet people do it in the worst of situations. I am thinking of you, thinking of your friend, and hoping that those other people can see the light and be supportive, not naysayers.
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