Warning: Explosion of Feelings

Not sure if I'll ever publish this, but I need to vent.

Why must infertility affect relationships so much?

Before we had nephews, I had a good relationship with the in-laws and a mediocre one with mine. Now that there is nephews, on both sides, it feels like the opposite. Great relationship with my family, but I feel like the one with the in-laws isn't as good as it used to be.
 

When it comes to my family, I'm grateful I finally have a good relationship. Its almost like we needed those kids to love together to give us something in common. I would not trade the world for the relationship I have with my sister now. But I miss the relationship I used to have with my in-laws. Yet, I have no idea what went wrong or how to fix it.
 

I feel so out of the loop anymore. I'm pretty sure it all boils down to: we don't have kids, so we aren't as important.
 

Or maybe its the whole church thing. If we don't go, we aren't as important. I don't want to get into the whole church thing because I respect those who go and I keep hoping for the same respect back.
 

The short version is, church isn't for me anymore. Nothing else has changed other then the fact I don't go to church on Sunday's. I'm still me. I still scrapbook. I still love my husband and my cats. I still spend lots of time spoiling the nephews. I still like the same kind of books and movies. I just don't have the desire to let religion to be a part of my life anymore. Its not like I've become a deep, dark person with no soul all the sudden.
 

Or maybe its a combination of both the above reasons.
 

I want to fix things, but after the whole infertility roller coaster, its like I feel the need to immediately put up walls and become defensive around people, even when we're just over for a Sunday lunch or other simple gathering.
 

Its not like I feel like I'm hated, just valued as less worthy or less important. Like I can't bring as much to the family. Or like we are less insignificant. But we aren't. Josh and I are still a family unit on our own. We have just as many dreams, aspirations, heartaches, tough times, etc. as any one else in the family.
 

I take it personally that my birthday gets forgotten. And that we miss out on other family things. I know I act like its not important to me, but it is. I've just been hurt so many times, I feel the need to act standoffish. But when I realize we've missed something, inside, I am crushed. Even missing the little things hurts.
 

I could give examples, but anymore, I don't know who reads this blog and I don't want to say something that will be taken the wrong way.


With my family, I feel like I'm "in the loop". With the in-laws, stuff will come up and they expect me to know about something that happened last month, but this is the first time it was mentioned to me. Then I feel dumb for not knowing. But if I don't know there is something I'm supposed to know, how am I supposed to know I'm missing out on it?
 

Its so frustrating! But I don't know what to do!
 

I wish I could explain it better. With my sister, I feel comfortable inviting myself to things. And when she says yes, I can feel her excitement to have me there. With the in-laws, its like..., well its just different. And even when I don't invite myself, my sister is right there inviting me anyways. I love that our relationship is like that.
 

Its like she sees me as someone who can be an important part of the boys lives. Gifts are great, but that's not all I am. And I feel like her boys love and adore me. Maybe that comes from being around them so much more, but again, that's because I feel like I'm of worth to contribute something to them. Not just a face in the crowd.
 

And maybe I'm being to harsh. The in-laws have made sure the boys give us hugs when we bring gifts or treats. Again, I'm just at a loss of words of how to describe how it feels so different. Like there is a different feeling in the air or atmosphere between the two families.
 

And friendships? Sigh. Its hard to make friends with people who had kids. I was trying to explain it to the hubs when I was complaining one night that I had no one to hang with. He mentioned a few people I work with. I would enjoy hanging with them, but after they work a 10 hour day, I'm sure the place they want to be the most, is with their kids. I know that is how I would feel if I was a working mother.
 

Or again, maybe its the whole religion thing again. Please know, even if our values are different, we can respect yours. If we offend in word or action, please say something and we will correct it. Don't want us drinking around you? Done. Its not like we drink that much anyway, just an occasional one here and there. Granted, my swearing has gotten a little worse, but I try to watch myself around others. Or is it is something else? Just let me know. I'd rather be told what I did wrong so I can fix it, rather then just be ignored and forgotten.
 

So I think to myself, find some friends that don't have kids, you know, just like you. That is proving harder then I thought it would be.
 

Sometimes, I feel like I'm a small child standing away from the groups at recess praying, please be my friend.

 

 

Now this just sounds like a desperate plea to be noticed.... Maybe its time to publish this so I quit coming back and repeatedly sticking my foot in my mouth. I'll probably end up regretting publishing this. Why? Because I try so hard to be a people pleaser, and I'm pretty sure this whole thing goes against that. But I have feelings, and I can only hold them in for so long before they spill out. Maybe if I got this stuff off my chest more often, it wouldn't explode out of control like this.

 

 

Or maybe this is all just in my head and I'm over analyzing everything way to much.

 

 

I thought when I moved beyond my infertility, I would no longer experience this lonely feeling anymore...

I find myself wondering if it really is better to have loved and lost rather then to have not loved at all.

Being an expectant mom was some of the happiest moments of my life. I was on top of the world. Even everyone questioning "what if" couldn't knock me down. Shame on all of you naysayers. Forget how it turned out, you should have been happy for me when I was happy.

Being unchosen, and the months that followed, were the darkest moments of my life. Sometimes I'm amazed I survived it.

I still question (and probably always will) why it had to happen. Since deciding to not pursue parenthood anymore, Josh and I have found peace. So why did we need to try to adopt only to fail? Are we better off because we tried? Is it better to have tried and failed rather then to not have tried at all.

I hate to think of us still being stuck in the eternal limbo of hoping to get looked at. If we had never met C, would we still be waiting? Waiting for nothing? Maybe we needed to try and fail just so we could move forward with our lives. For that, I guess I am grateful for C. I know people who were approved even before us and they are still waiting. Still waiting for baby #1 to find them. I'm so glad that isn't us anymore. I'm not saying their baby won't find them, I'm hoping their family will grow. I'm just grateful to be past the waiting and wondering. I'm so glad Josh and I were able to find peace with our family the size it is.

I know we've always had the freedom of being just us, but over the last 2 years, we've really come to appreciate it. I love our last minute dates. I love not being tied down. I love that when we decided to plan a cruise, it was that much less complicated. I know I complained about all the traveling for the recent wedding celebrations, but I really did love it all. I'm glad we didn't have to worry about kids and the long hours on the road or even having to miss stuff because of kids. I love late Wii nights with our other childless friends.

And I LOVE spoiling my nephews. I just went with my sister to take Valex to his first movie and I had a BLAST. I've started thinking about what I want to get them for Easter and I could end up spending quite a bit. I love those little boys so much and through them I have been able to feel the void I once had in my heart.

My two best friends are relations, but I didn't come to know them until we were all led to adoption. I hate to think of all the time we've missed together before then. But I'm so glad that through infertility and adoption, I was able to get to know them and love them. As Heather said, "it was fate". Yes, I think it was.

In 2009, we had a yard sale to raise some money for our adoption fund. We didn't earn much, but I've come to realize, that's because something else needed to come from the yard sale. One of my dad's relations came and bought some books. Then she mentioned that her oldest daughter, Heather, was looking into adoption. I told her I'd love to visit with her. I remembered her from childhood, but she was my sister's age so we were never close. I can't even remember who emailed who first, but soon afterwards an amazing friendship blossomed. I'm forever grateful for that. She is one of my dearest and truest friends.

I can't even remember how Jessica and I finally connected, but I know it was somehow through FSA. I haven't had a bff since I got married and I didn't realize how much I missed that.

One failed adoption broke my heart, but when I look at all the other blessings, it almost seems worth it.

The Dream That Never Lived, but Never Died

A few weeks ago, I was bored. B.O.R.E.D. So I got on Pinterest. After looking at all my favorite boards, I was still bored. So I started looking at the boards I never look at. I ended up on the kids board. I thought maybe I could find some fun projects to do with the nephews. Instead, I was bombarded by baby paraphernalia. Baby shoes, baby dresses, baby.baby.baby. Next thing I knew, I'm bawling because I want a baby too.

In the heat of the moment, I wrote out a poem. I'm sure it doesn't hold to perfect poem form, but it was my thoughts at that exact moment. After finishing it up, I set it aside and thought I'd come back to it a few days later and fine tune it. The next morning, I woke up fine with the way things were and forgot about it.

I stumbled onto it today. The feelings did not come rushing back, but I've decided I want to publish this on my blog. Infertility never goes away. Its not something a person can just "get over." But it is something that most people can accept. I'm never going to be a mother and that is ok. Once upon a time, it wasn't. It was devastating. But now, this is my life and it is just as wonderful. 

The Dream that Never Lived, but Never Died
My little baby, some days,

I still yearn for you.

My arms ache to hold you.

My ears yearn to hear your cries.

Years of trying.

Years of hoping.

Years of hurting.

Denied by nature.

Denied by fate.

You were my dream denied.

Even after moving on,

I still can't help but look back,

From time to time.

You were a dream that never lived,

but also never died. 

The clock may never stop ticking.

A moment or memory,

Or a thought of what could be

Brings it all rushing back.

And I can't help but wonder.

I can only spare a moment for you,

Life moves on, so must I.

I am blessed in other ways.

A tear slips out, but only one.

Heaven knows I've cried an ocean over you.

You never grew in my belly.
I never held you in my arms.

But you were always in my heart.

You were a dream that never lived, 
But also never died.

(This poem is property of Savannah Christensen, written on 1/14/13.)

So many thoughts...

I have thoughts that I want to write out, but sometimes, its hard to find the right words.

I think the most important and the happiest are from last Friday. Last Friday, Josh and I were able to attend C's wedding. It was the most amazing day and I will treasure it always. I'm so happy for her and her new husband and hope they have an amazing life together. I'm also grateful for the friendship C and I share. I think from an outsiders view, our friendship might seem strange, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Seeing her again was AMAZING! When we got there, we were able to meet the groom, but we didn't say hi to the bride until after the ceremony. I thought we were both going to cry. I forgave her a long time ago for what happened, but to actually see her, to HUG her,...there are no words for the joy I felt at that moment.

Which leads to my next train of thought. I'm so glad she came into our lives. In its own strange way, I think we needed to go through that to lead us to where we are now. I can't speak for any other infertile couple, but for us, I think we needed that painful experience so we could move on with our lives. I think if it had never happened, we would still be living with our lives on hold. I think most infertile couples need that painful moment (be it miscarriage or adoption not working) to help them choose a path for their family. I don't think a couple "quits" because it was too hard and too painful. If they do choose to go on the childless path, I think that is because they have finally been able to close the door. For us, that is what we did. Its like I needed that so I could know I tried my best, but life had different plans. Plans which Josh and I love to the fullest.

I will admit, I had a few days of daydreaming a while back. A situation came up, and the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to get excited. I was even having dreams of being a mom again. I kept it to myself for a few days before telling the hubs. But the second I told him, it all became real and I realized, that was not something I really wanted anymore. That door in my life is closed.

Which leads to the next train of thought. (Like I said, I've had a lot lately.) I'm okay with our decision, but also at complete PEACE. There was a day when I didn't think that would be possible. I see other couples and wonder if they made their "childless" decisions too soon. I wonder if they are trying to be ok with it, but deep down, they aren't at peace with it, but rather its a decision they made grudgingly.  Its like they understand this is their life now, but deep down, they wish it was different. Its hard for me to explain, especially since I really don't know their whole situation, so maybe I shouldn't even speculate. I just wish they could all find peace. Not just shrug their shoulders and pretend its all ok. I know there is a difference between mere acceptance and full peace.

Another thought that kind ties into all of this, dear god, don't ever let me suddenly have a miracle pregnancy. I was bored a few days back and decided to go check out a blog I used to follow several months back. Imagine my shock and surprise to learn she was pregnant. (They have some adopted kiddos.) My first thought was "Thank God that isn't me!" Then I switched over to happiness for her. I know we have the whole "no sperm" thing going on in our marriage, but I never miss a day of my period regulation pill (other wise known as birth control). I take it to keep my body on a regular schedule, but when seeing her surprising news I decided to never miss that pill. (Someday I want a hysterectomy, but that is another day, another post and probably a ways down the road.)

Am I random enough yet?

My dear friend H finalized the adoption of her kiddos a few months ago. But I swear, each time she posts a picture, I get all giddy again for her. I'm so freakin' happy for her!

Then I think of another dear friend K, and their recent heartbreak. Like I said, I'm at peace with how are situation turned out. But when I think of K, I think where I was at that point in my grief. I find myself counting months again. In November, that little boy will have been gone for 6 months. Shortly after that, they will mourn his 1st birthday. Not to mention the upcoming holidays. They were to be the 1st of each joyous occasion. Now they will be the 1st almosts, the 1st reminders of what could have been. I remember how raw that pain was and my heart hurts for her and her husband. I wish there was a way to not feel that pain. But its all part of the grief process. Even though he "wasn't" their child, well, fact is, he "was" their child. A person doesn't get over a loss like that. You can't take a little one into your home and not love them. Not when you love someone so much. Its like having your own child die. You can't have more children and forget that one. Or even, just imaging loosing your spouse. Even if down the road you remarry, your heart never forgets or ever stops loving.

Last thought, for now. I now get excited about baby showers. NEVER saw that coming! A few weeks ago, I was among a group of friends and one of them had exciting news. I, for one, thought she handled it well. She seemed kinda quite when she said she had exciting news, like she didn't want to hurt my feelings. Then when she told me they were expecting, she asked if I wanted to see ultra sound pics. I'm still not sure what I'm looking at when I look at those, but I eagerly agreed. EAGERLY! Who am I?! But I am so excited for her. She doesn't know what she is having yet, but I'm working on a boy blanket, just in case. (I already have a good supply of girl ones.) I told her I expect an invite to the baby shower when it takes place.

Seriously, sometimes I can NOT believe the turn around I see in myself. I didn't do baby showers. I did not get excited about people expecting, until I had a good cry for myself. And even then, it was never a full excitement. But like I said, its like once I closed that door, I freed myself to live completely. To those of you still hoping to grow your family, I hope with all my heart, it works out for you. May God find a way to give you a little one. If not, I hope you can find peace in your life. But don't stop trying until you find that peace. Don't ever close that door until you are ready.

I guess why this blog is so quite now. I started it as a place to write out my struggles and my sorrows. When I was feeling down, I knew I could turn it and at least write about it without feeling like I was being judged or criticized or whatever. This blog was my safe place to vent and to cry. Now that I don't need that, I don't seem to need this blog anymore.

But this blog has too much history in it. I could never delete it. Maybe I'll turn it into a book someday. Even though I no longer live in the middle of the infertile world, this is still a piece of me. All of it has led to who I am now. I could never erase that. So this blog will stay right were it is.

Maybe I'll pop in from time to time.

How did you know when to stop trying?

Today, a friend shared a status on Facebook from a group called "The Infertily Voice." Since I haven't thought much about our infertility lately, I decided to respond to it. The question was, "How did you know when to stop trying?" My answer can be summed up in a few words, but really, I think it deserves a well thought out response. The quick answer, we just knew. The long answer? I think I could write an essay.
First, for any new comers, or someone just stumbling onto this post, here is a quick history lesson.

Hubs and I were married in 2001.

After years of struggling to get pregnant, we started the adoption process in 2008.

That profile went unnoticed for nearly 2 years, until October 2009. I still get a case of butterflies when I think of our first email from C. I knew that day it would change my life, I just didn't know how.

We were the proud, expectant parents of a precious baby girl for roughly 5 months. It was amazing. Then C met another couple and decided to go with them.

After that, our profile stayed active for another 14 months. In May 2011, we officially closed our profile. It had been active for 3-1/2 years. In that time, we only had on real contact from a birth mom. We had had a few others, but they were all scams.

So how did we get to that point? There was a few things that happened.

When we started the process (back in 2008), we knew it could take months, even years. But we were ok with that. At one point, right at the beginning of the process, I remember Josh and I trying to decide how long to try. I said 5 years, he said 3. But after getting approved, that conversation was pretty much forgotten.

We bought a few things for the nursery. And waited. Bought a few more things. And waited. Went online with Parent Profiles. And waited. Had a new nephew born. And waited. And waited. When we met C, we thought our waiting had come to an end.

C, I still think she is amazing. After being unchosen, we pretty much stopped contact with each other. We were mourning our own loss and within a few months, she too was mourning her loss (which was by far greater then ours). But just over the last few months, we have become facebook buddies again. I've realized just how much I've missed her. I never stopped thinking about her. Was she ok? Was she happy? Had she found peace? Was she getting enough contact with her adoptive family? I never once stopped loving her.

I don't think being unchosen had anything to do with our decision. Going into adoption, we knew we could never be chosen. We knew if we were chosen, things could change. At first, I think we just became set in our ways. We started to realize just how free were were as a couple. We could go do what we wanted, when we wanted. We became comfortable with that lifestyle.

I think we both realized we were ready to pull our file a few months before we actually did. But we weren't sure how the other felt, so we didn't dare say anything. What if I was ready to stop trying, but Josh still had his hopes set on being a daddy? I think he had the same thought towards me. I think if one of us had voiced the decision to close our profile and the other hadn't been ready, well, I'm not sure, but I'm sure it would have been very stressful on our marriage.

Finally, after months of feeling ready to close our profile, I mentioned it to Josh. I was pleasantly surprised when he agreed. He told me that he had been feeling the same way for a long time, but didn't want to crush any dreams I might still have of becoming a mother.

Not once have we regretted that decision. Every now and then it will come up again. We'll hesitantly ask the other if they are still ok with how things are. The other will agree that life is perfect the way it is.

I try to not judge other couples decision. But sometimes I will admit wondering why they keep trying. I know couples who have been married longer then us and also have an active adoption profile older then ours, but they no results. Why do they keep trying? I once tried to tell a friend, "maybe its time to accept your family as it is and move on with your life." Immediately after I said that, I realized how incentive it was of me. Just because I had reached that point in my life doesn't make it the right answer for someone else. Each family must reach this decision on their own.

I've had several things show me that I'm ok with how things are.

1) I have finally been able to find joy beyond words as an aunt. That is something I struggled with for years. It took 4 nephews before I could love the with all my heart. Before then, it was too much of a competition. I just kept waiting for my turn to be a mom and that made each pregnancy announcement almost unbearable.

2) A while back, I was with a group of women. Getting pregnant and having your body change came up in the conversation. One girl was kind of insentient that she wasn't sure she wanted to get pregnant because she didn't want her body to go to pot. I thought she was being a little vain, but didn't think beyond it that much. A few minutes later, one of the ladies said "You know T, someone here would die to have her body go to pot just for the chance to be a mom." I felt about 6 inches tall. That someone is one of my best friends and I had forgotten that she just lost a baby. How could I?! I still feel horrid for how I reacted that day, but also, it made me realize the topic of babies and pregnancy can come up and I don't feel even a tiny twinge of sadness.

3) Our marriage has always been pretty good. But since closing our profile, our marriage has flourished. We have taken full advantage of living a child free life. We come and go as we please, follow our whims where ever they take us and we LOVE it!

When I got married, I did not see my life taking this path. I always thought I would be a mom. For a while, I thought I would never be happy unless I was a mom. But life has shown me differently and now, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Our "almost" birth mom has been on my mind a lot. Tomorrow she graduates from high school. I keep thinking how usually when someone graduates you assume things like, "Now they are grown up" or "Welcome to the real world." But those just don't see to apply to C. She grew up two years ago. When we met her, she was 16. Even then I was impressed with how mature she was. How caring she was. How much she loved her unborn child. So much so, that she made the ultimate sacrifice. Not many 16 year olds could do that. I'm not going to make comparisons, but I am sometimes in awe that I have a brother only a year younger then her, yet he acts no where near as grown up as her.

I can't imagine how many nights she has cried. How many times she has wondered if she has anything left to live for. I just can't comprehend that pain. I look at the birth mom's I've come to know and each one of them amazes me. Sometimes I want to tell them, "you don't have to keep on the happy face and pretend that all is right with the world. I'm sorry people don't notice you like they should." I hate how people assume they are sluts with horrid lifestyles, because that is just the opposite. They are loving people, more so then others because they choose to put their babies futures before their happiness.

Over the last few months, I've learned just how quickly people like to judge others. Point out their faults and tell them how they are not a good person. Its been very eye opening. So many people assume if you aren't just like them, you aren't as good as them. I think people do this simply because, they are trying to hide their faults. Get everybody to look away from them. Cause let's face it, we're all human and not a single one of us is perfect.

Dear C, I wish you all the happiness in the world, but also the strength you need for the times when life is low. When things are tough, I wish for you to be able to find peace. I don't need to wish you luck in the "real" world cause you've already grown up. I wish that someday you will be so blessed that your pain is a distant memory. Not your birth daughter, she will always be a peace of your heart. Just the pain that makes you cry. Wishing you all the love in the world. Love Savannah

When there are no words...

My very dear friend lost her foster baby today. After raising him and loving him for five months, he is gone. This post is not about what may or may not be best for the baby. This is about how life sucks for her. I keep trying to think of the perfect words to take her pain away. But I know they don't exist.

I think her pain is worse then ours when were unchosen, because she got to hold this baby. Feed him. Rock him to sleep. He was her life for the last 5 months and now she has to go back to being, well, not the mommy. And that sucks. I keep thinking back to my pain thinking, "What took it away from us? What made it better?'

The problem is that there are no words to describe her pain and her loss. Therefore, there are no words of comfort I can magically say to make it all better.

Don't look for the time when it gets better cause you can't see that from here. I think the thing I hated most was the sun coming up the next morning. I thought the world should stop for my pain, but it didn't. Do what you can to survive and let healing come at the pace you let it. When others ignore your pain, try to not take is personally; sometimes they don't know what to say so instead they say nothing at all.

I love you B & K and I am so sorry you are going through this. Feel your grief as it comes and hold tight to each other.

Random Thoughts

1. One of the kids I used to babysit when I was young just had a baby. A few years ago, it probably would've made me cry. But instead, I just feel old.

2. Cramps are a *itch. Seriously. Why should I have to go through this every month since the main baby part doesn't work. Couldn't it all just "not work?" Right now I'm trying to remember why I take birth control so I can have a period every single month. Oh ya, back in November/December, my period lasted for 6 weeks. No cramps, but everything else. Not.Fun.At.All.

3. Yesterday I was browsing the Internet. You know how MSN and Yahoo, on the homepage, they give blimps of articles and news? I was looking at the MSN ones and saw one about infertility. I was kind of excited because I hoped it would help educate the world. I decided to click on it and see what they had to say. Deep down, my infertility still bothers me. Five minutes later I was in the bathroom trying to get a hold of myself and stop the tears that were threatening. Reading that article, which was well written, brought back a lot of emotions and painful memories. It was not fun to relive it. I guess infertility is something I will never completely get over. I was in a funk the rest of the day.

4. On the flip side, I've had a few friends finalize, or will soon finalize, and I'm so excited for them. Its nice to be at a point where I'm just happy for someone, without a side of jealous.

5. Love those nephews of mine. Can you say spoiled? On Saturday, I was in the city and I told myself I didn't need to buy them shirts, I already gave them stuff for Easter. So instead, I bought a box of bath toys. Yep, spoiled.

6. I got to watch Vanessa's boys for a few hours and loved every second of it. I hope to make that a regular thing. She has been so wonderful to let me be such a huge part of their lives. Valex is always excited to see me. I wish they could stay little forever.

Do you ever just start crying for no reason at all? Ya, me too. Wish I could pinpoint why. But I'm sure of one thing, it will somehow tie into infertility if I think about it long enough.

Unlucky

I think I'm bad luck in the adoption world. I refer situations to friends, only to have them not turn out. Its so frustrating. I've dealt with it for me personally. God isn't going to give me kids. I'm ok with that. But it upsets me that other people can't have kids. I feel like every other month I refer a situation to a friend and each time it doesn't end happily. I just want to give up. I feel like I just am setting them up for more heartbreak each time. Its like the feeling that everything you touch breaks. For me, its everything I try to do in the adoption world doesn't work out. And I'm sick of it.