Things to never say to an adoptive couple

An adoptive mom just wrote an awesome ARTICLE on things not to say to an adoptive mother.

Even though we have not adopted yet, we get questions very similar to those. Here are a couple that are my personal least favorites.

After you adopt, you will be able to have one of your own. This comment makes me the maddest, I'm talking grizzly bear mad. Adoption DOES NOT cure infertility. Adoption does cure childlessness and fills empty homes, but it does not guarantee a pregnancy. Actually only about 10% of couples who adopt, will go on to have their own successful pregnancy later on. I have met hundreds of adoptive families over the last few years. Very few of them have had their families continue to grow through their own pregnancies. I also know couples who do conceive, but unfortunately have miscarriages. Some of those couples choose to adopt and still their family doesn't grow through their own personal efforts. If a pregnancy does happen after adoption than it is just as big a miracle as adoption itself. I am very passionate about this and I think people are finally understanding that we really have no desire to become expectant parents through pregnancy. Please don't ever say this to a couple looking into adoption.

You both work full-time so you must be rich enough to adopt. I have a harder time talking about this subject, but I think it's time to lay it all out. Adoption is expensive, but that doesn't mean the agencies are rolling in the money. They provide: medical care, housing, and counseling (and I'm just hitting the highlights). We will also have to pay legal fees and hire an attorney when we go to court to make everything official. We are not paying money to buy a baby, we are paying to help take care of the birth mom while she is pregnant. We both work for several reasons. I couldn't stay home all day, every day, in a quite house. I would go insane. But the real reason I work is because we need the income. We are trying to save for an adoption, put hubby through school without going in to debt, plus just continue to have the money we want to live comfortably.

I could never do an open adoption, I wouldn't feel like the mother. Adoption has changed so much over the years. Gone are the days of a birth mom placing a child and then never hearing about them ever again. Change is progress. This women chose to place their children because they LOVE them. What a peace of mind they can have as they get the chance to watch their child grow. Once we adopt, the child will be ours for eternity. But we still want the chance to share them with their birth parents. Those parents gave them the chance to live, now we are giving them the chances at life. We've met several birth moms from different situations. I've seen the healing that comes to those with open adoptions. When we first started the adoption process, open adoption scared us. But there is nothing wrong with having even more people to love a child as it grows.

Aren't you worried about getting a baby with problems? Stereotypes are horrid. Birth moms are awesome and they have their acts together. That is why they make adoption plans. They may have made mistakes, but they are turning it into a miracle. Plus, even if we could have conceived a baby on our own, sure, we could of controlled things like drug exposure, but we still wouldn't have had the perfect baby. Medical conditions are possible with all pregnancies. That is just a part of mother nature.

I could never love a child that wasn't my own. DNA has nothing to do with love. You feel in love with your spouse and you weren't related to them. I also feel in love with my in-laws and I'm not related to them either. Love is unconditional, that's what makes it so great. We will love our child no matter where they come from. I should also add that we will love our children no matter what they look like.

Your time will come. No one is more aware of this fact than we are. After years or trying to conceive and now years of trying to adopt, we realize that it will happen when it's supposed to happen. Most days we are okay with this. But it doesn't change the fact that is seems like we are standing still while others move forward with their lives. We live in Utah, where having a family is a big deal. We go to baby showers, baby blessing and even to the hospital to welcome family and friends who have brought little ones into the world. We have friends who were able to adopt a lot faster than us, while we still suffer with those whose adoption plans seem to drag on. We know and adoption will happen within the Lord's timing, but until then we come home to a quite house every night. People probably say this because they think it's what we need to hear and coming from their own mouths, it probably does sound good, but to us it's just a shouted reminder that we are still childless. Instead you could say things like, "We are thinking and/or praying for you." Or you could ask if we have heard anything. The answer is usually no, but it lets us feel acknowledged. Even though we are only a family of two, we are still important.

We are both very passionate about adoption, and we both love to talk about adoption. Feel free to ask us any questions. We want to educate the world about adoption. It's not some scary thing that should be kept a secret. It should be celebrated.

Coming soon...

I have decided to start posting things I find inspiring on this blog on Friday's. I want to highlight articles and videos that inspire me to move forward with faith. For the most part I will highlight articles from lds.org, but I will also be looking for articles on infertility and how to cope with it. If you find an article you want featured, please email me at sourbonk@yahoo.com

Going through the grief cycle (again)

I've been having a hard time lately. I have come to accept the fact that I will never be pregnant and I can live with that. But I realized last week that I will probably never get to hear my child's heartbeat through an ultra sound and that made me sad. There are some couples whose birth mom involve them in doctor appointments and sometimes the actual birth, but sometimes they don't. I realize that more than anything I want to be a parent and this is probably not a big deal, but I feel like I am mourning all over again.

Plus my dreams have started back up again where I dream about getting "the phone call." You know the one, "You're parents. Come pick up your baby." Yesterday in church I just had a sudden urge to get home because I was sure there would be a message on our phone. I didn't think church would EVER end. But it was only my heart playing tricks on me, no one ever leaves us a message.

All I can say is....WOW

I had an amazing experience today where I know that God's hand is in my life and it happened....at the dentist office.

Let me go back to the first of the year to really show how amazing this all is. At the beginning of the year the dentist I was using quit accepting our insurance. I was totally bummed over this, because I really liked this dentist. So bummed that I bought off find a new dentist for almost 6 months.

Then last week I noticed that my teeth didn't feel as clean and I decided to get an appointment for a cleaning. I asked around at work and found a new dentist. This Monday, I called to get an appointment, knowing it would be several weeks out because dentists are just busy like that and I wouldn't be a priority since I didn't have a tooth ache. Plus, I only want to go on Friday's which narrows my chances.

Guess what...they had a cancellation for THIS FRIDAY. I have never been able to get a cleaning the same week that I called for the appointment. EVER.

After some pictures, poking, cleaning, I was informed I needed to have some work done and his insurance specialist would help me out with the costs and some appointments. After we were all finished I decided to hand her one of our pass along cards (that's what their for). I still feel awkward when I give these out, but I am getting better. I just let them know that we are looking to adopt and if they know of any one please give them our information or if you feel inspired to give it to someone for the same reason, please pass it on.

Today I gave her our card and got as far as, "We are trying to adopt." She exclaimed that they just started to look into it for themselves. We spent another 15 minutes visiting about adoption. Adoption is so close to my heart that I could talk about it forever. They are going through a different agency, but I've invited her to join our local FSA and I hope we can become great friends there.

I don't like going to the dentist, but I know I was supposed to be there today.

I can't believe some people!

This article, http://www.utahsafehaven.org was in our local paper today. I am just sick over it. How could a person be like that! It makes me want to beat her for trying such a thing, but at least not until after the baby is born. I've already emailed the paper and asked them to follow up on this with something positive and helpful like an adoption article or at least an article on the Utah Safe Haven Law. I am also working on a letter to the editor, but I think first I need to get my emotions back under control.

Sudden Growth

I have decided to go public with this blog. I've decided that with so many blogs and one of them being private, it looked like I was trying to hide something. (Okay, I was.) But I've realized that I have nothing to hide.

My intent for this blog is pure infertility, adoption, and the highs and lows that come with them. Anyone can read this blog, but when I talk infertility I am talking to my "barren friends".

In an effort to make my life more positive, I have made a mass effort to delete all negative thoughts on my blogs. I also decided to import everything infertility related to this blog. I didn't want to loose any comments so I copied them over too and then I made sure to keep the original date of the posting.

It's time to move on

I have done a lot of soul searching and realized it is time to let things go and move on with my life. I have let infertility hold me prisoner too long. I have lost friends and family over it and I think if I continue like this I could let it ruin me completely.

I don't know what it will take to fix relationships that I sabotaged. I hope I haven't done too much damage.

I thought about deleting this blog, but I'm not going to. I still feel like I need a place to come where I don't need to fear being judged. But I probably won't blog on here much anymore. When infertility starts to get hard I am going to try to find and read positive articles. If I find anything great I will be sure to post it somewhere so my barren friends can benefit from it too.

Hello old friend...

Infertility has been kicking me around again and this time I am having a hard time pulling out of it. I'm spent a few days trying for find some encouragement. This what I have found so far.

Patricia Irwin Johnson: "As with any wound, it heals with a scar which can be reopened at an unexpected time. Infertility's scars remain on the soul long after the wounds have healed.

Silber & Dorner: “Infertility is grief experience, although traditionally it has not been viewed as such. Infertility is a loss–it is a loss of the imaginary child (the child the couple imagines would have been born to them). They will go through all the normal stages of grieving for this loss, just as if they had lost a child through death. However, society does not relate to or understand the loss of infertility because it is invisible.”

Barbara Eck Manning: "My infertility resides in my heart as an old friend. I do not hear from it for weeks at a time, and then, a moment, a thought, a baby announcement or some such thing, and I will feel the tug - maybe even be sad or shed a few tears. And I think, 'There's my old friend.' It will always be a part of me."Al Berk & J. Shapiro:“Grief is...a natural reaction to the feelings of helplessness when a couple realizes that pregnancy will never occur. This grief over the loss of life’s goals–the pregnancy experience and having children–is particularly difficult because our society does not recognize such a loss with rituals or other processes that could allow the couple to work through the time of grief.”

One friend sent me a great quote by Sister Julie Beck, "I know of many couples who desire to have children and aren’t given that blessing. Their challenge is the challenge of not having children, and we need to be listening and supportive and encouraging toward them. And I also believe that the desire to have children in the single sisters and in these couples probably won’t go away if they’re righteous, because that is a God-given desire. It speaks to their very natures and the training they received in the heavens. So that longing will not go away. But the Lord will bless them."

Elder Oaks even goes on to add, "And that longing will weigh in the final judgment. One of the most comforting passages in all of scripture for me is in the 137th section of the Doctrine and Covenants, verse 9, where we’re told that the Lord will judge us according to our works and according to the desires of our hearts."

How long?

I found this counter for waiting to adopt at www.lilypie.com and thought I would figure out our "days of waiting." Since approval we have waited 1 year, 3 months, and 4 weeks. That is just about one and a half pregnancies!

We started our paperwork about April 2007. That was 2 years, 1 month, 1 week, and 5 days ago. OUCH. It seems like we have been waiting forever!

I'm trying to not let it get me down, but then I keep crunching numbers. In 2005, we decided we were ready for a family. That was 4 years, 4 months, 1 week and 5 days ago.

And if I take it one step, we officially stopped all forms of birth control in 2002. We weren't ready for kids yet, but we figured if they came we would be happy. That was 7 years, 4 months, 1 week, and 5 days ago!

I try to not let it get me down; I know there are others who have waited longer and even worse, those who have been able to get pregnant, but miscarry. I would never claim to have experienced pain as deep as theirs.

But I guess today I am feeling the pressure. If you want to look at a more detailed post of our infertility history click HERE for my details and HERE for Josh's.

*Update on the previous post - we have not heard back from Glin, but the more I look at it, the more I think it isn't real. I sent an email last night, but I messed up and sent it to Parent Profiles! I didn't notice until noon today, so I resent the message to her. We haven't heard anything yet.

A possible situation?

We just received a contact from Parent Profiles, but I can't tell if it's legit and also if it feels right. I've done a little Internet research and found a Glinda in KY, but that's about it. I want to check My Space and Faceboook, but I can't look at those at work, so I'll have to wait until I get home.

Name: Glin
E-mail Address:
Phone #:
Affiliation: Birthmother
Comments: ----------------------------------
I am looking for a couple to help my daughter and I both. My health is not the best and we have no one. My whole family is deceased. We are all alone in Ky. If you feel you might like to speak with me please notify me via email at***** Or you could phone me at *****. My daughter is only 5 months old. God Bless, Glin.

I am working on a reply right now, but I haven't sent it yet. Basically I am asking her if she will contact LDSFS, I even listed the info. for the closest office to her, which is about 3 hours it looks like. I want to be excited, but I'm having a hard time. I don' t know if it's because I have a hard time trusting if it's a 'real deal' or maybe it's just not right for us. Realistically I would like to adopt in Utah to keep things simple and I would like and newborn infant, but I guess 5 months isn't that far off.

And of course Josh would choose this day to loose his cell phone. He came home last night and said it was in his vest pocket, but he's not sure where his vest is. ARGH! I am so frustrated with him right now! If we don't follow through with this and if it's feels legit I will pass the information on to those who are looking to adopt.