Today was a good day

Today was a good day. I've had so many days recently of hate and bitterness. It was nice to escape those for a while. I hope I can hold onto this attitude. Everything will work out and life will go on.
No tears, some joy and laughter. Yes, today was a good day. Thank you Lord for hearing my desperate, albeit selfish, prayer.

Mercy

I've been going thru something lately. I only hint at it, because I don't know who reads this blog and how it would affect their feelings towards me. So excuse me for the vagueness in this post.

The last few months have been dark for me. I've shed lots of tears. Tears of hurt. Tears of frustration. Tears of jealousy.

"Sometimes, in the midst of heartache and despair, God finds a way to show a little mercy." - Savannah Christensen (Yep, I'm that proud of that quote!)

I'm not much of a prayer person, but I have said a repeated prayer a lot lately, knowing I really had no way of changing anything. That fate was decided months ago. But, oh boy, sometimes He comes thru for me.

Today, I cried tears, once again. But this time, they were tears of joy. It would seem lame to others, so I won't go into it. But it was a HUGE deal to me. Now, I think I can survive the next several months.

Recovering From Heartbreak

I was talking to someone yesterday and found out we knew a person in common. I asked how they were doing and the subject of heart break (and not being able to move on) came up. In this case, it had to do with the love that got away and not being able to love another. This person was kind of critical of the 3rd person. Its been years, why can't he get over it and just find someone else?

I was polite, and just nodded my head. But inside, I thought "sometimes a heartache is so big, you never recover."

I won't deny I've had moments where I want to jump back into the madness of trying to become a mother. But I'm not willing to put my heart on the line like that again. Its not worth the risk to me. I don't think I could survive it a second time. I know, there is no guarantee it would happen that way. I know several people who have tried again, after heart break, and its worked out well the next time around.

I remember the LOOOONG waiting. Then the brief moment of hope and happiness. But that is always followed by the heart ache. It almost crushed me completely.

But a baby is worth it most would say. And I'm not saying they are wrong. But I just don't have it in me to try again.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter. I've moved on with my life. We have found other ways to bring joy to our lives. Just this weekend, Josh admitted he wouldn't have taken the job he did years ago if we had a kid. And he's probably right. But I shutter to think that might mean he would still be stuck in the miserable job he had before.

We probably wouldn't have bought our cute townhouse if we had a kid. Sure, we probably would have bought something else, but house hunting was horrible. The townhouse was literally the only home we could agree on, but if we had a kid, even it wouldn't have worked for us.

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." - Rose Kennedy

I've realized, I will never fully recover from my heartbreak. But I don't think a person should. I feel like if I did recover completely, that would take away the value of it all. I can't ever forget it, it was too big a moment in my life. To forget it would lesson the memory of it all, the happiness and the joy, and I can't do it that dishonor. To completely forget is like making it so it never happened. 

It also helps me to remember, other people go through heartbreak too. And even if its not the same as mine, their pain is still just as real and valid. And that is something I can understand and relate to.  

I swear, I will never understand all the emotions I go thru with my infertility.

Today, I had a friend give birth to a beautiful baby girl today. I am thrilled for her. 100% thrilled. And its not like its her first or a hard achieved pregnancy. (Its her 3rd baby.) But I'm just happy for her.

But when I think of other pregnant people, I am 100% insanely jealous and bitter.

I can't figure out why. But I'm working on it.

No, I'm Not Pregnant

This is another article that really caught my attention.

http://www.whenathome.com/no-im-not-pregnant/

The first time I saw it, I didn't read it. I figured it would apply more to people still trying to conceive and it wouldn't apply to me. But when it kept popping up in my Facebook news feed over and over, I decided to read it.

I still feel like its written towards women trying to conceive, but I can't deny that parts of the article talked to me. It really is a great article to read, but I'm going to highlight my favorite parts and how it touched me.

"She walks around with a weight in her heart. A weight that no one (except other women going through the same thing) can understand."

That is my life. Infertility is always on my mind. I'm trying to come to terms that even if I accept I can't be a mom, it will never leave me completely. Some days are good, but other days are still hard. I'm coming to terms that I will always wonder "what if?"

"Her friends get pregnant and she is genuinely 100% thrilled for them. But she is also genuinely 100% devastated and fights off envious thought every day." 

I think if I could get friends and family to understand one thing, it would be this. I'm happy for you. I really, truly am. But at the same time, I am devastated that its not me. Even though we aren't even trying anymore. It still hurts. But please know, I am happy. I just have conflicting emotions that have to be dealt with.

"She will see her pregnant friends and have such conflicting feelings about their growing bellies that she might not know how to act around them. Not because she's mad at them for being pregnant but because she hates herself for being jealous of someone she loves so much."

This is almost the same as the above quote. I'm happy for you, but at the same time I'm jealous. Those who know me well know that I am an EXTREMELY jealous person. I get jealous if a Victoria's Secret commercial comes on the TV. That jealously also spills over into my infertility. We tried for so long to be parents. I'm going to be jealous. That doesn't mean I hate you or am mad at you. Its just a reminder that I can't conceive on my own. This is not your fault, just the facts.

What I hate is how this leads people to try to hide the fact they are pregnant. Its the big elephant in the room that no one will talk about. I've been in situations where someone will start to ask someone how they are feeling with their pregnancy, look up and notice me and just stop the conversation all together.

Not talking about it doesn't make it go away. I'm a big girl and I can handle it. Don't baby me because it just makes it worse. I would love for there to be a way you could acknowledge the happiness while also acknowledging my pain, but I don't think there is a way. Just don't ignore the fact around me. I'm 100% thrilled, 100% devastated and 100% aware of the fact you are pregnant but trying to pretend you aren't because I'm in the same room. You can talk about it. Don't be afraid to show your joy. Its YOUR pregnancy and you should get to celebrate that. If I need a quite moment to cry, I won't do so on your parade. I'll wait until I'm alone and deal with my emotions then.

I also have those thoughts each month when my period comes. I hate that about my body. HATE! I can't have a baby, but it doesn't stop my body from having periods. Some are just annoying, but some are down right painful. When I have those ones I think "Its not even worth being a woman. I should only be having this kind of pain if I can also reap the benefits of pregnancy. I shouldn't have to go through one without being able to enjoy the other. "

"Its not a race."

This one is really hard for me. (I'm sure I've touched on it before.) We were the first children married on both sides of our family. Therefore, society expected us to be the first to bless our families with grand kids. I once had a person approach me and congratulate me. When I asked him why, he said he had heard that my in-laws were going to be grandparents. It was painful to clarify that we weren't the ones expecting. This used to happen quite often. But, its just another part of my infertile life.

I still struggle with that fact we can't provide grand kids for our families. I feel like a failure to them. I feel like we are treated differently because of it. I can't help but think, if only we had kids then relationship would be different inside our families.

Watching the latest pregnancy has been hard for this reason. We are now the only ones in my husband's family to not provide his parents with grandchildren. This fact is eating me alive right now. Its all I dwell on. Some days I feel like this fact is crushing me and will bury me alive.

"Don't live your life in desperation and jealousy. It will eat your soul."

This is what I constantly work on. Like I said in my previous post, if I spend all my time thinking mothers are happier than me, all it does is make me miserable. And my life isn't miserable or unhappy. Sometimes, I just get caught up in the emotions of infertility and have a pity party. Its an ongoing battle for me, but I am doing the best I can.

Happiness

I have had so many emotions going through my head lately, but I seem to lack the follow through of writing about them.

I've started following more childless blogs and have loved them. But they will talk about something and I think, "Oh, I should do a post on that issue and my thoughts." But then I forget to do it and when I go to, I can't remember what I wanted to say.

I hope I can remember some of them because, at the time, they seemed very important to me.

I remember one was about an article trying to figure out if childless people were happier than people with children. I can't remember where I saw the article, or those who blogged about it. But I do remember some of my thoughts.

I don't think you can compare happiness between people who have children and people who don't. Its like comparing apples to oranges. One lifestyle is so different from the other, its just not possible.

I look at my life and I realize, I have no clue what my sister and sister in-law do for their families. I can't comprehend the homework, taxi service to games, cleaning, bed time stories, caring for sick kids, etc. Its something I've never had to do so its something I can't understand.

And I bet if I were to ask them, they would feel the same about my life.

Random fact: Josh and I go to bed at 8:00 at night. On the weekends, we stay up late, until about 9 - 9:30.

It doesn't happen often, but every once in a while, some random person will call our house at 8:30 pm and wake us up. My first response is "ugg, don't they know we are asleep?" But I realize, they probably don't because they are busy with their own lives. Its probably common for them to stay up until 10 each night. No wonder they don't know we are in bed already.

Let me clarify, its not because our lives are so boring we go to bed early. Both Josh and I have joined the gym and we like to go first thing in the morning. That means we get up at 4:30 each morning. That is why we are exhausted by 8:00 each night.

Another way I know my life differs is, I don't have to plan things out. On weekends, we can stay in our PJ's all day and do nothing. Or we can load up in the car and go take a quick, unplanned trip. Its the freedom that comes with our childless lives.

I don't think I'm any happier than my sister or sister in-law. But, on the other hand, I don't think they are any happier than me. Our lives are just too different to make that distinction. To imply that a life opposite of what you have is happier just seems down grading on the life you have. 

If you spend all your time wishing you had their lifestyle, than yes, you might start to think theirs is happier. But that's because you are focusing all your energy on the things you don't have.

My point is, you take what life gives you and you make it your own kind of happy.

The Voices in My Head

My mind is constantly running. Seriously, like a thousand miles an hour. It has always been that way. I can't just sit and be. I think about EVERYTHING. And if I run out of stuff to think about, I create new stuff.

Like the other morning, while I was doing my hair, this is what played out in my head between myself and an imaginary person.

Them: "You don't know what its like to expect a  baby."

Me: "Um, yes, I kinda do. I know I never had one grow in my belly, but you've forgotten, we were chosen once and almost had a baby girl."

Them: "That's not the same. You don't understand the stress of it all."

Me: "What, you mean how it can end badly?"

Then my brain switched gears. Imaginary's friend has now lost their baby.

Them: "You have no idea the loss they are feeling."

Me: "What, like planning a nursery and picking out a name and loving an unborn child so much your heart felt like it could burst?"

Them: "Well, still, you will never get it."

Me: "I had a name picked out for our little girl! Did you even know that? Or have you just forgotten about what I went through!"

At this point, I'm so mad I can hardly think. I'm now in a sour mood that is going to last all day, simply because of something I made up in my head.

That afternoon, while I was still stewing over it, I realized, I do this ALL.THE.TIME.

I am always thinking too hard and busy coming up with situations. And usually, they are sad or angry situations. And I let them consume me.

When I was going to therapy, they tried to get me to do quite thinking. You just sit and turn the noise off in your head. I tried concentrating on just a sound or a smell, etc. The goal was a minute, than the hope I would work up to 5 minutes. I could never make it past 15 seconds before the gears were spinning out of control. I simply just can't turn off my thoughts.

I think the closest I came was during a bad day at work. I don't remember what happened, but I went to hide in the bathroom for a few minutes. In there, I could hear something, like the furnace or something in the room next to me. I just sat and concentrated on that noise. Then, I started to cry. I quickly stopped, because I was at work.

I think I do a lot of damage to myself and those around me because I can't turn my thoughts off. I don't know what people think of me, or a situation, and I just quickly start to make stuff up in my head. Before long, I'm all defensive and bitter. All because of something I imagined.

I'm having a really hard time right now. But I have to stop and wonder just how much of it is stuff I'm making up in my head.

I try to make up good situations too, but those never play out. I always find a way to turn them into something negative.

I am really stressed about the upcoming months. But how much of it is just made up stress? I wish I could escape the thoughts of my head and just be. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

But then I remember situations, both real and made up, and I just quickly retreat back inside my head.

Maybe its because its safer in there. I can control everything. Maybe its because I can stand up for myself in there and speak my mind. I can pretend that everyone gets me, or just not care when they don't.

I can't decide if its safer in my head or doing me more damage.

I don't know how to survive the next few months. At times, I want to be in the middle and be a big part of it. At others, I just want to hide in a corner and be ignored. I don't think my heart can take anymore of the pressure and pain, but I don't have a choice. Life goes on whether you want it to stop or not.

Maybe if I could just silence the voices in my head it wouldn't be so hard. But I've tried, for YEARS. This is something that has plagued me my ENTIRE life. Why can't I just let myself be at peace?

Wondering

I've decided, you never can heal 100% from infertility. You try and try, but there is always something there to remind you. Your body is broken. Your dream was denied. You will never be that growing belly. You will never feel that life grow inside you. You will always wonder, but you will never know.  You will always be excluded from the motherhood club.

A friend recently asked if I changed my mind. If I wanted to try again. No, I don't. But I can't deny I would have loved the experience and I am jealous of those who do get to experience it. Sometimes, I just want to know what it feels like to have a baby kick inside your belly. And sometimes my arms ache to hold a new born. But after that, I'm ready to go back to real life.

My house is quite. And if its messy, its just my fault. Not that messy houses bother me, I think they looked lived in and happy.

Don't get me wrong. I wanted to be a mom. I wanted it so bad I thought it would tear me apart. I didn't think there was any other point to life if I couldn't be a mom.

But I couldn't keep living like that. My life was so messed up and I was such an emotional wreck I could hardly function.

I have moved on. There is more things in life to give you purpose besides motherhood. My life finally feels complete.

But still, I will never stop wondering what it would have been like.

Remembering

I've spent the day trying to remember the happy memories from our adoption journey. From the time we started the paperwork, to closing our profile, its a path we walked for 4 years. Four years of ups and downs (mostly downs). But it included a blissful four month period where we thought we were going to be parents.

I'm having a hard time. I remember how exciting the first email was. But then I remember, it didn't end well. I remember how nervous and excited I was for the first phone call. Then I remember, it didn't end well. I remember how we hugged and cried after being chosen. Then I remember the email that undid it all. I remember how excited I was to learn it was a girl. Then I remember, we don't have a little girl.

I really need to get excited about something, but I'm struggling. I keep reminding myself that this kind of thing is good news, but then, all I can remember is how our story ended and I have a hard time being happy. And its all selfish; its not like I'm worried they will have the same sad ending. I'm just reminded how sad mine was.

Then I remember other parts of our infertility journey. The endless tears. The hurt feelings of rejection and oblivion. The ignorance to just how hard it was to put a smile on my face when I was dying inside.

I don't know if I can do this again.

Stepping onto my soapbox...

I have a friend who is going through a divorce right now. A nasty divorce. Like married to another women before divorcing her. I love her, and I won't delve into her personal life, but as she has talked about it, some parts of it have really hit a nerve for me.

One of their problems is, she can't have children. So now he is having a child with someone else. Their marriage had many problems, but when she talks about that, it just burns me.

I don't believe people get married JUST to have kids. They get married because they are in love. They want to start a family together. They talk about what beautiful babies they will have. They talk about what great grandparents their parents will be. I understand that. But I don't think a person decides they want a baby and then randomly chooses a stranger off of the street to help them procreate.

Motherhood was always in the back of my mind when I was dating. I had all those thoughts. But they were secondary to my courtship. Firstly, I wanted someone I could love and who could love me. Kids would come second.

I see marriages and feel bad for them. Dad is only kept around to keep a steady income coming in. Mom doesn't actually let him engage with the children. She feels that is HER job. Mom runs and runs with the kids. They are her ONLY focus. Then, one day, the kids have all grown and started families of their own. I think the couple looks at each other and thinks "who are you?" They didn't spend any time over the years, fostering their relationship. They realize they have nothing in common, and they separate.

I am no marriage expert, but I always feel like couples forget about THEM once the kids start coming. Or once they realize their will be no kids.

I used to belong to some infertility forums. One day, a woman said she was thinking of leaving her husband because he couldn't give her a baby. I was enraged and I called her out on it. I asked her if having a baby was the only reason she married him. I never did hear from her, so I have no idea how it worked out.

When we learned that Josh had a zero sperm count, I had a lot of thoughts. Leaving him was NOT one of them. I love that man. I did not marry him just so he could give me beautiful babies. I married him because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Kids or no kids, I love that man.

It just burns me how kids, or the lack of kids, can destroy a marriage. I think a couple should focus on each other first. The strong their relationship, the better the entire family will be.

Stepping off of my soapbox now.