Remembering

I've spent the day trying to remember the happy memories from our adoption journey. From the time we started the paperwork, to closing our profile, its a path we walked for 4 years. Four years of ups and downs (mostly downs). But it included a blissful four month period where we thought we were going to be parents.

I'm having a hard time. I remember how exciting the first email was. But then I remember, it didn't end well. I remember how nervous and excited I was for the first phone call. Then I remember, it didn't end well. I remember how we hugged and cried after being chosen. Then I remember the email that undid it all. I remember how excited I was to learn it was a girl. Then I remember, we don't have a little girl.

I really need to get excited about something, but I'm struggling. I keep reminding myself that this kind of thing is good news, but then, all I can remember is how our story ended and I have a hard time being happy. And its all selfish; its not like I'm worried they will have the same sad ending. I'm just reminded how sad mine was.

Then I remember other parts of our infertility journey. The endless tears. The hurt feelings of rejection and oblivion. The ignorance to just how hard it was to put a smile on my face when I was dying inside.

I don't know if I can do this again.