Wondering

I've decided, you never can heal 100% from infertility. You try and try, but there is always something there to remind you. Your body is broken. Your dream was denied. You will never be that growing belly. You will never feel that life grow inside you. You will always wonder, but you will never know.  You will always be excluded from the motherhood club.

A friend recently asked if I changed my mind. If I wanted to try again. No, I don't. But I can't deny I would have loved the experience and I am jealous of those who do get to experience it. Sometimes, I just want to know what it feels like to have a baby kick inside your belly. And sometimes my arms ache to hold a new born. But after that, I'm ready to go back to real life.

My house is quite. And if its messy, its just my fault. Not that messy houses bother me, I think they looked lived in and happy.

Don't get me wrong. I wanted to be a mom. I wanted it so bad I thought it would tear me apart. I didn't think there was any other point to life if I couldn't be a mom.

But I couldn't keep living like that. My life was so messed up and I was such an emotional wreck I could hardly function.

I have moved on. There is more things in life to give you purpose besides motherhood. My life finally feels complete.

But still, I will never stop wondering what it would have been like.