Friday, October 25, 2013

Stepping onto my soapbox...

I have a friend who is going through a divorce right now. A nasty divorce. Like married to another women before divorcing her. I love her, and I won't delve into her personal life, but as she has talked about it, some parts of it have really hit a nerve for me.

One of their problems is, she can't have children. So now he is having a child with someone else. Their marriage had many problems, but when she talks about that, it just burns me.

I don't believe people get married JUST to have kids. They get married because they are in love. They want to start a family together. They talk about what beautiful babies they will have. They talk about what great grandparents their parents will be. I understand that. But I don't think a person decides they want a baby and then randomly chooses a stranger off of the street to help them procreate.

Motherhood was always in the back of my mind when I was dating. I had all those thoughts. But they were secondary to my courtship. Firstly, I wanted someone I could love and who could love me. Kids would come second.

I see marriages and feel bad for them. Dad is only kept around to keep a steady income coming in. Mom doesn't actually let him engage with the children. She feels that is HER job. Mom runs and runs with the kids. They are her ONLY focus. Then, one day, the kids have all grown and started families of their own. I think the couple looks at each other and thinks "who are you?" They didn't spend any time over the years, fostering their relationship. They realize they have nothing in common, and they separate.

I am no marriage expert, but I always feel like couples forget about THEM once the kids start coming. Or once they realize their will be no kids.

I used to belong to some infertility forums. One day, a woman said she was thinking of leaving her husband because he couldn't give her a baby. I was enraged and I called her out on it. I asked her if having a baby was the only reason she married him. I never did hear from her, so I have no idea how it worked out.

When we learned that Josh had a zero sperm count, I had a lot of thoughts. Leaving him was NOT one of them. I love that man. I did not marry him just so he could give me beautiful babies. I married him because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Kids or no kids, I love that man.

It just burns me how kids, or the lack of kids, can destroy a marriage. I think a couple should focus on each other first. The strong their relationship, the better the entire family will be.

Stepping off of my soapbox now.


  1. I so agree we get married for love....some have forgotten that..

  2. Wow, it's a big issue isn't it? Well worth the soapbox.

    Once we came to the end of our treatments, I was so worried that DH would leave me. It was irriational and completely lacking any foundations, but it was there nonetheless. He loves ME and he married me knowing that children may not happen. And I love him right back through thick and thin and beyond.

    Good for you on calling the woman in the forum on her comment. I hope things worked out for her.
    I'm with you on ALL that you said. Yet sadly, I can understand how it can happen.

  3. I know your heartache about not being able to have children. I lost my daughter at 6.5 months and was told by the doctors that I would never be able to have children again because it would be too risky. I would never survive and neither would the fetus due to scar tissue on my uterus from previous injuries I had sustained. I am single and older now - but my "friends" who are of a similar age and have grown children look down on my propensity to date younger men. They always ask about what if he wants children? Well I couldn't have them when I was 23- hopefully someone will love me for me and not just view me as a baby making factory. That has had to be my stance since I was 23 and it hasn't been easy. I would hope someone could love me for me and if we decided to raise children - have the compassion and selflessness in their hearts to know that there are children already in this world who need a loving family.

    1. Hi anonymous please email me on I'd like to discuss something with you privately.