I have a friend who is going through a divorce right now. A nasty divorce. Like married to another women before divorcing her. I love her, and I won't delve into her personal life, but as she has talked about it, some parts of it have really hit a nerve for me.
One of their problems is, she can't have children. So now he is having a child with someone else. Their marriage had many problems, but when she talks about that, it just burns me.
I don't believe people get married JUST to have kids. They get married because they are in love. They want to start a family together. They talk about what beautiful babies they will have. They talk about what great grandparents their parents will be. I understand that. But I don't think a person decides they want a baby and then randomly chooses a stranger off of the street to help them procreate.
Motherhood was always in the back of my mind when I was dating. I had all those thoughts. But they were secondary to my courtship. Firstly, I wanted someone I could love and who could love me. Kids would come second.
I see marriages and feel bad for them. Dad is only kept around to keep a steady income coming in. Mom doesn't actually let him engage with the children. She feels that is HER job. Mom runs and runs with the kids. They are her ONLY focus. Then, one day, the kids have all grown and started families of their own. I think the couple looks at each other and thinks "who are you?" They didn't spend any time over the years, fostering their relationship. They realize they have nothing in common, and they separate.
I am no marriage expert, but I always feel like couples forget about THEM once the kids start coming. Or once they realize their will be no kids.
I used to belong to some infertility forums. One day, a woman said she was thinking of leaving her husband because he couldn't give her a baby. I was enraged and I called her out on it. I asked her if having a baby was the only reason she married him. I never did hear from her, so I have no idea how it worked out.
When we learned that Josh had a zero sperm count, I had a lot of thoughts. Leaving him was NOT one of them. I love that man. I did not marry him just so he could give me beautiful babies. I married him because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Kids or no kids, I love that man.
It just burns me how kids, or the lack of kids, can destroy a marriage. I think a couple should focus on each other first. The strong their relationship, the better the entire family will be.
Stepping off of my soapbox now.
17 hours ago