Monday, April 20, 2009

Male Infertility...I had no idea!

Yep, we got it. Josh was tested just over 2 years ago. We drove 2 hours to Provo (I had to bribe him with a trip to Cabelas) because a friend told me they did a more comprehensive test. Not that it ended up making a difference. You can't run extra test where there is NO sperm.
Before we got the results back we knew they wouldn't be good (although we weren't hadn't expected a ZERO). But when we did we moved on forward to adoption.

Until a few months ago I had no idea that they prefer to have you do a test and then a few weeks later do another test, just in case something was wrong (like an infection for example). I also had no idea that they can do other tests to see if there is simple reason, like blockage. See how horrible my doctor truly was. He had no followup WHAT SO EVER! I am so glad he is retired! I wouldn't recommend him to ANYONE!

But then someone in my group started to mention further testing for her husband. My response... they can do that? I didn't know. I just assumed that zero meant zero.

But lately the thought won't leave me alone. What if? I have fought it for a few weeks now. Out of curiosity I looked at our insurance and there is a doctor that comes to our local hospital about twice a month for this kind of thing. I had no idea! I stewed it over for several days and finally said something to Josh last night. He said to make him an appointment. He is ready to be a daddy and will do whatever he needs to! Isn't he great!

So I just did. It's on May 13th. I have no idea what to expect. I'm hoping in the mean time maybe this possible situation will work out and we won't have to worry about it. I have a continues Pros vs. Cons list running through my head.
*It's something simple and fixable
*We get pregnant
*We have a baby
It's a short list, but I like the ending. But then there is the other list.

*It will be a waste of time, there really is nothing there.
*Even if we can fix it, I have PCOS and I know it is not under control right now. (I do have an appt., but its not until June).
*What if I do get pregnant and then miscarry. Could I live with the heartache? I know others do and my heart aches for them so much! But I can't help but think that I will have brought it upon myself since I decided to pursue a pregnancy.
*Which brings me to the most stressful part, that stupid waiting game. I DO NOT MISS taking a pregnancy test. When we decided to adopt I had a few tests in my cupboard, I THREW THEM AWAY and I was happy about it. I hated the stress each month of wondering if this was it this time. I DO NOT WANT TO DO THAT AGAIN.
*I don't want to become that statistic, you know the one. "You should try adoption. Josh and Savannah did and then they had one on their own." Adoption doesn't cause a pregnancy! If we were to become pregnant after this it would be because we sought further medical help!

I set the appointment, but I don't know I feel about it. I do want to be a mother! But I don't know if I want to do it the "natural" way anymore. I have made so many friends in the adoption world, and after we decided to adopt I found a peace I hadn't had for years. I don't want to give that back up again. But it's bothering me enough that I finally called the doctors office. One of my friends finally helped me make the decision. She said that knowledge is power.

Maybe it will just help take my mind off of the adoption waiting game. It is started to wear and tear on me, I need to direct my mind elsewhere.

1 comment:

  1. You can always keep up with the adoption. Even if they said it is just a blockage you can have one baby biologic and one adopted. I don't think it would be different either way because you are still there parents. You never want to loose hope. I still even going through the adoption just 2 months ago thought I was pregnant because I was feeling nausea and dizzy when I stood up. I also felt different and I couldn't explain it then my period came and I was not crying because I said so many times I am done with the normal way and I jsut want to adopt because I gave my body up to infertility drugs for so long I didn't want to be pregnant anymore but it still stung when my period came because that glimpse of hope was there and then just as quick taken away. My husband even said to me do you think your pregnant becuase he felt I could be too. I don't know if I wanted it so bad that anything seemed like a symptom or what but it was hard. I think you need to just try and go to the doctor because you are always going to wonder what if. That what if may bother you for years to come where if you have some closer you might feel better about everything. At least that is how I work. I still don't have an answer why I can't get pregnant and it frustrates me because I want closer I want to shut that door behind me and never look back again and becuase I don't have an answer I find my self still thinking maybe and looking back in that door again instead of looking forward. I think it might help you. Now that is totally your decision but it is just my suggestion or what I would do if I was in your situation. I wish you the best of luck on this and the best of luck with that baby situation. I have to talk to Tim about the profile being sent to Utah but I don't know if I will get that profile to them by Wednesday if that was the deadline that is tomorrow and this is 5:50pm. I think that might not happen for us but I thank you so much for keeping us in mind and letting us know. I didn't check my e-mail yesturday due to the funeral but thank you so much for thinking of me.