Some days it just seems so hard to function. I try to not let our childless lives affect me, but it still does. EVERYTHING is a constant reminder that I am not a mother. Like today... a gal came in to pay on her bill. She is my age. I was married first, but I don't know by how long. I would guess at least a year. She now has 4 children and each one has a different father. It just makes me mad. I know I shouldn't judge, but given her lifestyle it's no surprise. I don't think she even knows which one goes to which dad. I know with two of the children she was married when she became pregnant, but she was pretty sure it was her boyfriends baby so she left her husband to go to the boyfriend. Kids need a more stable environment than that! And I won't even get started on the countless thousands that don't buckle their children up. My response...when a drunk driver hits you and your child flies through the windshield you will miss his cries after he's gone! But I just get scowled at because I'm not a mother and I have no understanding of how hard it is to raise a child.
Other days I just want to cry. No reason, I just want to curl up in a corner and cry. Some times its so bad I have to escape to the restroom to get better control of my emotions. And it's always for the stupidest reason. A few weeks ago I asked for a container for sorting purposes. The guy just belittled me and kept telling me to do it differently. While he was standing there, I did figure something out, and I actually liked it better than my original idea. But he just kept going on and on about all the space I have and how I need to utilize it better. That was probably a month ago and just thinking about it I still want to cry. Or today, they got after me for spraying some room spray. We have a few gals that have allergies, but I've been using it for months and they never complained, but apparently with the air conditioner back on for the season it is affecting them. Okay, no problem. I've already put the spray away and found something that they will let me use. But I just let it upset me.
Now I sound like I don't like my job! But I do. I love this job. There is just a few people that rub me wrong. Is it because our personalities clash or is it because I am so emotionally unstable that I upset easily. And it's not just work. There is a dozen times during the day where I just want to cry. I don't because then I feel stupid. What do I have to cry about? I just feel like crying isn't going to fix anything so why bother.
But then sometimes I let it build up too much and then I kind of loose it and I take it out on Josh and sometimes his family. I don't mean to do that. But I can only be strong for so long before the dam breaks and the flood gates open.
I don't think I'm unhappy with life. I have a lot. I have the most wonderful husband EVER. Both our families live close. We have a nice home with gorgeous views. We both have jobs.
I just wish I knew what to do. Sometimes I think about getting a blessing, but I don't want to admit I'm weak and need help. And when things get real bad I wonder if I need professional help, but I don't want to do that either. I did get a doctor's appt. to try and get my PCOS under control, but that isn't until June. I just want to feel "normal". To not let every little thing upset me.
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I completly know how you feel. I sometimes think I am the only one that feels that way. We have a really close freind of the family that of course got pregnant in her first try and she flaunts that then she wants to educate anyone who has not been pregnant with what you go through and what you need to do if you become pregnant. It is like I don't want to hear it. She is always wanting to see us now to show off her growing belly and it gets frustrating. Then my in-laws want a grandchild so bad since this will be there first and I am not close to my sister in law because she just is not nice to me and she thinks she is so much better then everyone else. She is younger and is going to school and gets away with everything because she has her bachlor's as an RN nurse and is now going to nurse anestitist school and so she is so brilliant that no one is good enough. She is even getting away with not going to her grandma's funeral this Saturday and she is only going to the viewing because she is in school and has a lot to do as Tim's mom would say. So she gets away with that yet we bought her flowers yesturday to say we were sorry and put all of our names on it even though Tim's sister and brother didn't know I am always the one doing stuff for his family and I even through her a 50 birthday party last year with no help from Tim's siblings it was only Tim and I for the suprise party at a hall. The thing I was trying to get to before I got side tracked with my frustration on my sister in law is she has a dog and I love dogs but Tim's sister treats this dog as a baby and even says we are going to grandma and grandpa's house. Then I have to hear Tim's parents say "oh Bailey (dog) did you miss your grammy and grammpy". Now how does that make me feel. I feel like a piece of crap. My child I should have had 4 year ago is being replaced since they are not here for a dog. I have to hear it all the time. My sister in law lives 45 minutes away and brings her dog over there house every time she comes so I hear this all the time. Mean while Tim and I live 2 miles down the road which is great but I feel like his parents take for granted that fact. And Tim's brother lives in Chicago. It is very frustrating. We do everything and anything for them and it is not as appreciative as when Tim's brother or sister "DECIDE" yes I said decide because it is not offen to do anything for her. We even get Tim's mom a Christmas and Birthday present seperate then are for his brother. The hard part was last year after in vetro I announced that we decided to adopt and Tim's mom and dad didn't care for the idea at first. His mom told me to no give up because she thinks I will get pregnant and she told me in Decemeber that she has a friend that the daughter got pregnant with this great infertility clinic for invetro in another state and maybe I should think about it and maybe she said she would try to help finanicially for this in-vetro and I had to say "no. you don't understand I don't want to try and I don't want to be pocked and proted any more. I just want to live a normal life and have a baby". I explained it doesn't have to come from my stomach we would still love this baby. I didn't think she truly understood so I brought her in the computer room and showed her all these kids that were out there in different states waiting to be adopted. She kepts kicking out all these kids and would say why don't you adopt this one. Then I think she got it and understood adoption thought she didn't understand that you just can't go on the computer and adopt that child you see in the photo. I had to explain about the long process and how many people are putting in profiles for that child and it is almost like a lottory if your number was called. She finally understands adoption I just don't think I can get her or my mom for that matter to understand what I have went through emotional with the infertility roller coaster and my dad and then the adoption roller coaster I am currently on. I read this blog that my social worker told me to follow and time to time I check on it. When I first looked at it they were not even lisence to adopt yet and were going through the process. They got lisenced like last month and they just got choosen this month to be parents in May. It was like you are trying to be nice and trying to be happy but you are like saying "you have got to be kidding me that fast and she is already going to be a parent". I hope that is not harsh because they probably did a lot with infertility too and couldn't get pregnant but I was just watching there blog about the paper work they had to do then they were doing the homestudy then the profile then boom they were picked. There was like no pause. The blog if you were interested all though don't read it if you are feeling depressed is the blog "two plus one" is the title. So anyway I do understand how you feel. I think this is great that you have this to excape and talk openly. On my blog I can't do that. I talk as open as I possibly can without getting my self into trouble. You understand I am sure. I work so it is really hard to keep up on my blogging all the time but this is so cool and made me feel a little better about venting my frustrations and thank you for listening and invisting me to this site.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to know that we both share a struggle with family. Some times I feel so rotten when I think negatively about them, because I really do love them. But it's so hard when it feels like our life is standing still while theirs is moving forward.
ReplyDeleteFeel free to vent on my blog anytime you want. That is what it is for. It's not hard to start a 2nd blog (I have 5!) and make it private so only people who are invited can read it. I kept this one completely locked up until I had a family member asks about it. Our infertility stories are so much alike that I decided to share this blog with her and then I decided to share it with other infertile people. That is my only stipulation for an invite.
I hope your adoption goes well. I wish I could say I hope it goes fast too, but I am not the best example for that! Ours seems to be taking forever!
I had a ruff day yesturday and it is not going to be any better the next few days. As I said previously Tim's grandma passed away and as understandable Tim's mom is devastated and this is another thing that gets under my skin a little. My dad passed when I was 25 years old and he was only 48 years old. Tim's mom's parents her dad died 2 years ago at the age of 78 years old and now her mom at the age of 83. When grandpa dies 2 years ago we still hear about her making people feel sorry for her. I tried to explain that it is a hard thing for anyone at any age to loss a parent but then to make people pitty her for it just doesn't seem right. I never did that except explain on my blog what happend because that could have been the reason that I wasn't able to take to the in vetro. I always try to stay strong and keep my head up but it gets hard especially when I am greatful my dad was able to walk me down the asile but he will never get to meet my kids nor will my kids meet him and for me that is a tragedy. We were hoping we would get pregnant before he passed so at least I could have a picture of that but as you know that never came. But even right now all I hear from Tim's mom is that the day her dad passed was the hardest day of her life and she has been through so much. Were that comment to me is so frustrating. Now she is telling people that she has no parents and I told her that she has to think positive at least she is not suffering and both your parents you have long memories with them and them with your children. And I explained how lucky she is to have the support of family to get her by.
ReplyDeleteI feel horrible too saying negative things about my in laws because they are great people and they have done a lot for us as we have for them. It just gets frustrating sometimes especially when you never express these feelings we are wrighting about it gets bottled inside and I don't want that because sometime it might explode.
But getting back to yesturday since today is the first viewing and then Sunday then Monday the burrial. Yesturday she had all of her kids over for dinner and his brother came in from Chicago. Well my sister in law comes over then it is like oh wow grace us with your presence. That was such a big thing because she was there and how busy she is with the anestisia program and her studing she has to do. They made it as if God walked in (no exaduration). Then of course who does she bring in but that dog everytime and what do I hear oh Bailey (dog) you missed your grammy and grampy didn't you. Then the dog is treated like a child the whole night. The sister has to say to the dog tell grammy and grampy what you did today and stuff like that. That stuff just drives me up a wall. The best part I have to bite my tongue while we spend 6 hours today, 8 hours tommorrow and like 5 on Monday with all this.aahhhhhh.
Tim's mom did say something that I thought was so sweet yesturday but Tim's sister ruined it. She said if I ever thought of a surogate mom carring the egg. I told her it was way to much money and it was like 50,000 and that I would have to go through the in vetro all over again and I am not willing to do that horra just to throw the dice again and not a a definate like I would with in vetro. This is the part that was so nice she asked if I would think about it if she was able to carry them for me because if she could she would. Then Tim's sister came in and said "MOM you can't do that you don't have the parts". She ruined the whole moment. I told Tim's mom that was sweet and thanks. Then she asked me if my mom would do that for me. Well I never explained this in my blog but my mom when I was in my teen years said that if I had trouble getting pregnant or if any of her sisters had trouble she would carry a baby for me or them. Well just like 2 months ago my mom said that she knows she said that but she just couldn't do it. My mom is young she is 44 years old she had me at 16. So yes she is able to have kids and she always said she was fertile mertle. But the thing is my mom and me are not that close. My dad and me were extremly close and my brother and mom are two peas in a pod. My mom is very dependent and I independent. We are two total opposites. Don't get me wrong I love my mom but we just don't see eye to eye. Like in this situation you would think you would do anything to help your grandchild even Tim's mom said she would help me if she could but my mom is so involved with her her her. It has always been that way that is why we are not close. I am a very big giver. I give give give. I moved my parents here when my dad went into the hospital in New York and they had no where to live. I took 2 weeks off work. I did it all to move them. My mom didn't know what to do because she didn't have my dad to tell her and I just do it. I called the trucking place I had to pack the truck because Tim couldn't come down till that day we moved so he could drive the truck all the wya to Mcihigan. I drove the truck that was a 6 wheeler to my parents home when my mom was scared to do it. Then when we moved here I got all my dad's doctors in order but this is the catch when my dad had the desion maker for if to resussitate was my mom as the primary decision maker and myself as secound. Well when my dad was getting bad my mom and I had a huge fight because she wanted to put him in a nursing home while she just lies her but in my house and doesn't do anything while Tim and I are working and her and my brother can just relax in the house. I said no that he will be in hospice in our home. That is where dad wanted to be with family. When he was in the hospital while I was at work my mom didn't even vist him until I would call her and tell her that I visited him after work then she would come up. So I told her no dad would want to be around family not some nurses in a stinky nursing home and he is only 48 and she still knew who we were. I would feel horrible. I brought them here so my mom didn't have to work she just had to take care of my dad that is all I asked for and Tim and I would take care of the rest no questions or money asked. She told me that she was the one on the desion making form and she will make the finaly decision and I told her you just want dad to dies so you can move on with your life and I told her that if she puts him in a nuring home to find some where else to live. Then the next day I came home from work early because I was not feeling good it was that time of the month plus I was up all night crying that my mom was not even taking my feelings in to consideration and I think I just worked my self up to getting sick so I went home and the hospice nurse was there I didn't say anything to either of them I just went up stairs and started my shower to make me feel better. My mom knocked on the door and asked me if I was going to come down stairs and I told her no that like she said the previous day that she is the primary desion maker and you make that desion and if you make your bed you have to sleep in it and she choose to keep my dad here of course. Then a week later she was telling me what if she left for Florida with my brother and takes all the money and she will give me my fathers life insurance if I take care of him. I am sorry but who does that. He is dying and in hospice you know it isn't going to be that long and it is to expensive to have a 24 hour nurse in a house so I would have had to take off of work and I probably would have been off so long that I wouldn't have a job. I was so stressed and angry and upset that her and my brother were ready to start there lives and drop all this on me to take care of. Well my mom decide to stay. The sad part not for my dad but because my dad had a 200,000 life insurance and because she said what would she tell everyone in the family it wouldn't look good. So just to show you my family dynamic Tim's family is my family. They took me in when I moved from NY for 2 years I lived in there house in my own seperate room was the rule. They have alwyas been there for me. I see my mom once a year when I visit her in Florida in January when I take my vacations onour cruise we visit her first. She has yet to visit me since they moved. My dad passed June 2007 and my mom and brother moved from her to Florida in August 2007. My mom was dating this jerk in October of 2007 but finally broke up with him last year. She is now dating this guy since November 2008 till current that she has plans to marry next June 2009 and guess where she wants to get married. In my backyard. Weird right. Oh and she didn't ask she told me that is where is would like it and then said a few days later "that is okay right". Like I told Tim what can I say. I like the guy I only meet him once and she already wants to get married because she can't be alone and she is very dependent on people. I just say good because then I don't have to worry about her. I only worried about her becuase I would say oh my dad wouldn't have let that happen or my dad would want me to do this and this way she is out of my hand and this guy could take her and I wish him good luck. This is the relationship I have. Now I never even told my soical worker for my adoption that because I didn't want it to look bad that we are not that close my mom and I but I told her that my dad and I were very close and that I visit my mom once a year which is not a lie but I jsut left our relationship as that. But getting back to the question Tim's mom asked about my mom carrying my eggs my mother in law was stunned to here that my mom wouldn't help and I jsut told her I don't know why that is such a suprise and she just couldn't believe that she would even say that but that's my mom. Tim's mom is great she is total opposite of my mom I somtimes get jealous that he has the family he does his parents never fight they are always so giving it reminds me of the brady bunch or something and that is so rare and I thought inpossible to find but that is what they are. My family is just difunctional and that is probably why I moved at 19. My parents fought all the time and my mom would always try to pin stuff that she didn't like what my dad did on me when I was young. She would make us (my brother, mom and me) do yard work when she was mad at my dad. It was jsut crazyness. Tim's family is like a orcrestra they work together and in harmony. I am very greatful to have them in my lives. But through the struggle's with my family it shows me how I want to change stuff when I raise a family and what not to do and I want my child to live the way Tim did. I want them to have smiles on ther faces and I want them to know I will catch them when they fall up like my mother (haahah). I can't do anything but laugh about it and my brother I love him a bunch but he is just like my mom. The funny part is if you asked them if there lives were are the line and it was my life or me saving there lives they know I would save them over myself. I can't say they would do the same. The always worry about one person and that is them. Well thanks for letting me vent I feel like I should be paying you for therapy or somthing (haahahah). That was a good session doc. I am just kidding and no I have never talked to a therapist even though Tim's mom says it may help but I feel what is a stranger going to say that I don't already know. That my obsession with wanting a family is because I want to fill the void of what I don't have yeah I know that and that I have to let my feelings go. I know that but they come back when I visit and when I am waiting to have children. And do you think your anger foward infertility and your mom comes from your dad's passing? of course it does. I can answer all these questions myself because I know what my problems are I just have to fix them and that is the hardest part.It is almost like an alcoholic the first step is admitting you have a problem yes I am admitting I have a problem it is called INFERTILITY. hahah.Well it was nice to vent thank you. I hope all goes well with your adoption too. I hope it goes a bit faster for you. Lord nows I am trying everything I can to spread the word. I even gave my profile to a girl at work that said she is going to drop it off with her daycare lady becuase the daycare lady goes to child care seminars and meets all sorts of people and her husband is a minister at ta church so crossing my finger that is another outlet. But you just keep plugging away. It is hard but you just have to keep trying and keep the faith alive.