Some days it just seems so hard to function. I try to not let our childless lives affect me, but it still does. EVERYTHING is a constant reminder that I am not a mother. Like today... a gal came in to pay on her bill. She is my age. I was married first, but I don't know by how long. I would guess at least a year. She now has 4 children and each one has a different father. It just makes me mad. I know I shouldn't judge, but given her lifestyle it's no surprise. I don't think she even knows which one goes to which dad. I know with two of the children she was married when she became pregnant, but she was pretty sure it was her boyfriends baby so she left her husband to go to the boyfriend. Kids need a more stable environment than that! And I won't even get started on the countless thousands that don't buckle their children up. My response...when a drunk driver hits you and your child flies through the windshield you will miss his cries after he's gone! But I just get scowled at because I'm not a mother and I have no understanding of how hard it is to raise a child.
Other days I just want to cry. No reason, I just want to curl up in a corner and cry. Some times its so bad I have to escape to the restroom to get better control of my emotions. And it's always for the stupidest reason. A few weeks ago I asked for a container for sorting purposes. The guy just belittled me and kept telling me to do it differently. While he was standing there, I did figure something out, and I actually liked it better than my original idea. But he just kept going on and on about all the space I have and how I need to utilize it better. That was probably a month ago and just thinking about it I still want to cry. Or today, they got after me for spraying some room spray. We have a few gals that have allergies, but I've been using it for months and they never complained, but apparently with the air conditioner back on for the season it is affecting them. Okay, no problem. I've already put the spray away and found something that they will let me use. But I just let it upset me.
Now I sound like I don't like my job! But I do. I love this job. There is just a few people that rub me wrong. Is it because our personalities clash or is it because I am so emotionally unstable that I upset easily. And it's not just work. There is a dozen times during the day where I just want to cry. I don't because then I feel stupid. What do I have to cry about? I just feel like crying isn't going to fix anything so why bother.
But then sometimes I let it build up too much and then I kind of loose it and I take it out on Josh and sometimes his family. I don't mean to do that. But I can only be strong for so long before the dam breaks and the flood gates open.
I don't think I'm unhappy with life. I have a lot. I have the most wonderful husband EVER. Both our families live close. We have a nice home with gorgeous views. We both have jobs.
I just wish I knew what to do. Sometimes I think about getting a blessing, but I don't want to admit I'm weak and need help. And when things get real bad I wonder if I need professional help, but I don't want to do that either. I did get a doctor's appt. to try and get my PCOS under control, but that isn't until June. I just want to feel "normal". To not let every little thing upset me.
17 hours ago