Our "almost" birth mom has been on my mind a lot. Tomorrow she graduates from high school. I keep thinking how usually when someone graduates you assume things like, "Now they are grown up" or "Welcome to the real world." But those just don't see to apply to C. She grew up two years ago. When we met her, she was 16. Even then I was impressed with how mature she was. How caring she was. How much she loved her unborn child. So much so, that she made the ultimate sacrifice. Not many 16 year olds could do that. I'm not going to make comparisons, but I am sometimes in awe that I have a brother only a year younger then her, yet he acts no where near as grown up as her.

I can't imagine how many nights she has cried. How many times she has wondered if she has anything left to live for. I just can't comprehend that pain. I look at the birth mom's I've come to know and each one of them amazes me. Sometimes I want to tell them, "you don't have to keep on the happy face and pretend that all is right with the world. I'm sorry people don't notice you like they should." I hate how people assume they are sluts with horrid lifestyles, because that is just the opposite. They are loving people, more so then others because they choose to put their babies futures before their happiness.

Over the last few months, I've learned just how quickly people like to judge others. Point out their faults and tell them how they are not a good person. Its been very eye opening. So many people assume if you aren't just like them, you aren't as good as them. I think people do this simply because, they are trying to hide their faults. Get everybody to look away from them. Cause let's face it, we're all human and not a single one of us is perfect.

Dear C, I wish you all the happiness in the world, but also the strength you need for the times when life is low. When things are tough, I wish for you to be able to find peace. I don't need to wish you luck in the "real" world cause you've already grown up. I wish that someday you will be so blessed that your pain is a distant memory. Not your birth daughter, she will always be a peace of your heart. Just the pain that makes you cry. Wishing you all the love in the world. Love Savannah

When there are no words...

My very dear friend lost her foster baby today. After raising him and loving him for five months, he is gone. This post is not about what may or may not be best for the baby. This is about how life sucks for her. I keep trying to think of the perfect words to take her pain away. But I know they don't exist.

I think her pain is worse then ours when were unchosen, because she got to hold this baby. Feed him. Rock him to sleep. He was her life for the last 5 months and now she has to go back to being, well, not the mommy. And that sucks. I keep thinking back to my pain thinking, "What took it away from us? What made it better?'

The problem is that there are no words to describe her pain and her loss. Therefore, there are no words of comfort I can magically say to make it all better.

Don't look for the time when it gets better cause you can't see that from here. I think the thing I hated most was the sun coming up the next morning. I thought the world should stop for my pain, but it didn't. Do what you can to survive and let healing come at the pace you let it. When others ignore your pain, try to not take is personally; sometimes they don't know what to say so instead they say nothing at all.

I love you B & K and I am so sorry you are going through this. Feel your grief as it comes and hold tight to each other.

Random Thoughts

1. One of the kids I used to babysit when I was young just had a baby. A few years ago, it probably would've made me cry. But instead, I just feel old.

2. Cramps are a *itch. Seriously. Why should I have to go through this every month since the main baby part doesn't work. Couldn't it all just "not work?" Right now I'm trying to remember why I take birth control so I can have a period every single month. Oh ya, back in November/December, my period lasted for 6 weeks. No cramps, but everything else. Not.Fun.At.All.

3. Yesterday I was browsing the Internet. You know how MSN and Yahoo, on the homepage, they give blimps of articles and news? I was looking at the MSN ones and saw one about infertility. I was kind of excited because I hoped it would help educate the world. I decided to click on it and see what they had to say. Deep down, my infertility still bothers me. Five minutes later I was in the bathroom trying to get a hold of myself and stop the tears that were threatening. Reading that article, which was well written, brought back a lot of emotions and painful memories. It was not fun to relive it. I guess infertility is something I will never completely get over. I was in a funk the rest of the day.

4. On the flip side, I've had a few friends finalize, or will soon finalize, and I'm so excited for them. Its nice to be at a point where I'm just happy for someone, without a side of jealous.

5. Love those nephews of mine. Can you say spoiled? On Saturday, I was in the city and I told myself I didn't need to buy them shirts, I already gave them stuff for Easter. So instead, I bought a box of bath toys. Yep, spoiled.

6. I got to watch Vanessa's boys for a few hours and loved every second of it. I hope to make that a regular thing. She has been so wonderful to let me be such a huge part of their lives. Valex is always excited to see me. I wish they could stay little forever.

Do you ever just start crying for no reason at all? Ya, me too. Wish I could pinpoint why. But I'm sure of one thing, it will somehow tie into infertility if I think about it long enough.

Unlucky

I think I'm bad luck in the adoption world. I refer situations to friends, only to have them not turn out. Its so frustrating. I've dealt with it for me personally. God isn't going to give me kids. I'm ok with that. But it upsets me that other people can't have kids. I feel like every other month I refer a situation to a friend and each time it doesn't end happily. I just want to give up. I feel like I just am setting them up for more heartbreak each time. Its like the feeling that everything you touch breaks. For me, its everything I try to do in the adoption world doesn't work out. And I'm sick of it.

Prayers for H

I've kind of developed a quite relationship with God. I know He's there (for the most part), but really, all I do is quick, quite prayers in my heart when I feel the need. But last night I poured my heart out to Him.

"Dear God, I know we don't talk often, but this is really important. I had a lady contact me about a possible adoption situation. Although, I did note the coincidence that the baby is due right around 2 years after we were unchosen, we are not pursuing adoption. So I told her we weren't interested.

But then I told her about H. Dear God, I love H so much and I want her to become a mom so badly. She would be an incredible mom. Right now all she gets to do is play mommy part time, but I want her to be a permanent mom. I want a child to come into her house and stay forever. So I gave this person that contacted me H's name.

Now they get to meet and see if there is a connection. Father, please let there be a connection! Please let them meet and instantly fall in love with each other. Please let this family choose H and then please let everything go smoothly. Please let H get to spend the next few moms as an expectant mom. That was such an amazing feeling for us and I want her to have that feeling too. And please, don't let it end like ours.

Please let things go well at the meeting. Please let the family choose her and her husband. Please don't let it end like ours did. Please let this be their baby they have longed for so much.

I haven't asked for much lately, but this would me the world to me. And to H. Please."

My friend H is meeting with the expectant mom and grandma today. Please send a prayer that it will work for them. I haven't needed God to answer a prayer like this in a long time, but I need him to answer this one. Please join me in praying that it will work out for H. God will know who you are talking about.

Sometimes

 Next time someone tries to question our decision to not pursue adoption anymore, this is what I'm going to tell them.

I really do believe we had to pursue adoption, even thought it wasn't meant to end happily. But because of it we became stronger. Because if it we were able to learn that we can find happiness, even if were never become parents. 

Cold

Maybe this isn't an infertility issue, but I think it is.

Every year school starts back up. Kids go back to school and breed (and then pass around) germs. School  hasn't been in for a month yet, but I have a few friends with school age kids that are already sick.

Here's my issue. I don't have school aged kids. I shouldn't have this cold that is making me so miserable this week! If I don't have kids, I don't think I should have to share their illnesses. AND now when I go to take my nephews their Halloween shirts tonight, I can't hold Daxsen.

Infertility sucks enough on its own, I say we take a vote and say "If we have to miss out on kids, we should be able to miss out on the illnesses they pass around when they go back to school."

Happiness

I simply LOVE this quote. Several times in just the last few weeks, I feel like people are questioning my judgement because of our decision to live as a family of two. One girl actually cried. While I was touched by her emotions, I was also a little flustered.

Every one seems to think that we can't be happy if we don't have children. No matter what I say, I can't get them to understand that I FINALLY AM HAPPY. I'm finally over the misery and pain. I am ready to be happy. I AM HAPPY.

I have a great job. A great home. Three crazy, yet loving cats. I finally have my own horse. I have wonderful friends who bless my life. I have many fun activities I'm involved in.  Best of all, I am married to the man of my dreams.

Don't tell me I'm not happy. Because your wrong. Being a parent isn't the only way to find happiness. I'm happy because I took a long, hard look at my life and realized, I already have everything I need to be happy.

Tell it how it is

In all my years of infertility, I have become a master of only telling it half way. Its hard to tell people how it is, because they immediately question you or just don't get it, and therefore offer their (useless) advise.

Maybe its because I'm still in a bad mood from last night, but today I told it how it was. And I'm quite proud of myself. I still can't decide what set me off last night. I think it was just a mixture of emotions that hit me all at once. That's how it usually works with infertility.

Right now, my sister is in the hospital giving birth to her second son. I'm excited to have another nephew at any moment. Blankets are ready that I loving made and I found some matching shirts for both her boys. One says "Older Brothers Rule" and the other one says "Young Brothers Rock". I've had these shirts for months now, but decided to keep them until baby #2 made his debut.

Just a bit ago I had the following conversation with someone.

Her: "So, is it your sister your mom is at the hospital with?"

Me: "Yes."

Her: "Oh, is she having her baby?"

Me: "Looks like it."

Her: "Well, hopefully it will be you someday."

Me: "No it won't."

Her: "You never know, it might me."

Me: "Nope, I know that is impossible."

Her: "Well, then you could just adopt."

My thought I didn't speak aloud, "Yes, its the simple to JUST adopt. Why didn't I think of that?"

Me: "Nope, that's not going to happen either."

Her: "It might."

Me: "No it won't."

Her: "Well, I guess sometimes you just get to that point where you know."

Finally a break through! Until then, I was feeling repetitive and like they just weren't getting it. Oh, I won't kid myself, she probably drove off while saying a little prayer that our family would be added to someday, but I was just so relieved for someone to finally understand what I was saying. Our family is done growing. It is staying the size it is. (Unless I cave and take in the kitten my brother is trying to give me.)

In conversations similar to this, I usually get tired of arguing with the person and say something like "I guess we'll see." That is not me agreeing that they are right in assuming we'll have kids someday. That is my way of ending the conversation so I don't get mad and try to tell them they have no business telling me how my family should be.

I like the way I did it today. It felt short and right to the point and hopefully at least that person got it.