I can't believe some people!

This article, http://www.utahsafehaven.org was in our local paper today. I am just sick over it. How could a person be like that! It makes me want to beat her for trying such a thing, but at least not until after the baby is born. I've already emailed the paper and asked them to follow up on this with something positive and helpful like an adoption article or at least an article on the Utah Safe Haven Law. I am also working on a letter to the editor, but I think first I need to get my emotions back under control.

Sudden Growth

I have decided to go public with this blog. I've decided that with so many blogs and one of them being private, it looked like I was trying to hide something. (Okay, I was.) But I've realized that I have nothing to hide.

My intent for this blog is pure infertility, adoption, and the highs and lows that come with them. Anyone can read this blog, but when I talk infertility I am talking to my "barren friends".

In an effort to make my life more positive, I have made a mass effort to delete all negative thoughts on my blogs. I also decided to import everything infertility related to this blog. I didn't want to loose any comments so I copied them over too and then I made sure to keep the original date of the posting.

It's time to move on

I have done a lot of soul searching and realized it is time to let things go and move on with my life. I have let infertility hold me prisoner too long. I have lost friends and family over it and I think if I continue like this I could let it ruin me completely.

I don't know what it will take to fix relationships that I sabotaged. I hope I haven't done too much damage.

I thought about deleting this blog, but I'm not going to. I still feel like I need a place to come where I don't need to fear being judged. But I probably won't blog on here much anymore. When infertility starts to get hard I am going to try to find and read positive articles. If I find anything great I will be sure to post it somewhere so my barren friends can benefit from it too.

Hello old friend...

Infertility has been kicking me around again and this time I am having a hard time pulling out of it. I'm spent a few days trying for find some encouragement. This what I have found so far.

Patricia Irwin Johnson: "As with any wound, it heals with a scar which can be reopened at an unexpected time. Infertility's scars remain on the soul long after the wounds have healed.

Silber & Dorner: “Infertility is grief experience, although traditionally it has not been viewed as such. Infertility is a loss–it is a loss of the imaginary child (the child the couple imagines would have been born to them). They will go through all the normal stages of grieving for this loss, just as if they had lost a child through death. However, society does not relate to or understand the loss of infertility because it is invisible.”

Barbara Eck Manning: "My infertility resides in my heart as an old friend. I do not hear from it for weeks at a time, and then, a moment, a thought, a baby announcement or some such thing, and I will feel the tug - maybe even be sad or shed a few tears. And I think, 'There's my old friend.' It will always be a part of me."Al Berk & J. Shapiro:“Grief is...a natural reaction to the feelings of helplessness when a couple realizes that pregnancy will never occur. This grief over the loss of life’s goals–the pregnancy experience and having children–is particularly difficult because our society does not recognize such a loss with rituals or other processes that could allow the couple to work through the time of grief.”

One friend sent me a great quote by Sister Julie Beck, "I know of many couples who desire to have children and aren’t given that blessing. Their challenge is the challenge of not having children, and we need to be listening and supportive and encouraging toward them. And I also believe that the desire to have children in the single sisters and in these couples probably won’t go away if they’re righteous, because that is a God-given desire. It speaks to their very natures and the training they received in the heavens. So that longing will not go away. But the Lord will bless them."

Elder Oaks even goes on to add, "And that longing will weigh in the final judgment. One of the most comforting passages in all of scripture for me is in the 137th section of the Doctrine and Covenants, verse 9, where we’re told that the Lord will judge us according to our works and according to the desires of our hearts."

How long?

I found this counter for waiting to adopt at www.lilypie.com and thought I would figure out our "days of waiting." Since approval we have waited 1 year, 3 months, and 4 weeks. That is just about one and a half pregnancies!

We started our paperwork about April 2007. That was 2 years, 1 month, 1 week, and 5 days ago. OUCH. It seems like we have been waiting forever!

I'm trying to not let it get me down, but then I keep crunching numbers. In 2005, we decided we were ready for a family. That was 4 years, 4 months, 1 week and 5 days ago.

And if I take it one step, we officially stopped all forms of birth control in 2002. We weren't ready for kids yet, but we figured if they came we would be happy. That was 7 years, 4 months, 1 week, and 5 days ago!

I try to not let it get me down; I know there are others who have waited longer and even worse, those who have been able to get pregnant, but miscarry. I would never claim to have experienced pain as deep as theirs.

But I guess today I am feeling the pressure. If you want to look at a more detailed post of our infertility history click HERE for my details and HERE for Josh's.

*Update on the previous post - we have not heard back from Glin, but the more I look at it, the more I think it isn't real. I sent an email last night, but I messed up and sent it to Parent Profiles! I didn't notice until noon today, so I resent the message to her. We haven't heard anything yet.

A possible situation?

We just received a contact from Parent Profiles, but I can't tell if it's legit and also if it feels right. I've done a little Internet research and found a Glinda in KY, but that's about it. I want to check My Space and Faceboook, but I can't look at those at work, so I'll have to wait until I get home.

Name: Glin
E-mail Address:
Phone #:
Affiliation: Birthmother
Comments: ----------------------------------
I am looking for a couple to help my daughter and I both. My health is not the best and we have no one. My whole family is deceased. We are all alone in Ky. If you feel you might like to speak with me please notify me via email at***** Or you could phone me at *****. My daughter is only 5 months old. God Bless, Glin.

I am working on a reply right now, but I haven't sent it yet. Basically I am asking her if she will contact LDSFS, I even listed the info. for the closest office to her, which is about 3 hours it looks like. I want to be excited, but I'm having a hard time. I don' t know if it's because I have a hard time trusting if it's a 'real deal' or maybe it's just not right for us. Realistically I would like to adopt in Utah to keep things simple and I would like and newborn infant, but I guess 5 months isn't that far off.

And of course Josh would choose this day to loose his cell phone. He came home last night and said it was in his vest pocket, but he's not sure where his vest is. ARGH! I am so frustrated with him right now! If we don't follow through with this and if it's feels legit I will pass the information on to those who are looking to adopt.

Is it over?

Mother's Day is probably my LEAST favorite day of the year. With other holiday's, like Christmas and Easter, it is almost possible to skip over the fact that we don't have children, we just try to keep it very low key. But you can't do that for Mother's Day. It's impossible to wake up on that sunny Sunday morning and not think about it. It's Mother's Day... and I'm not a mother.

I fought with myself all week last week. Infertility was kicking my butt. But what can I do about that? I sluffed church yesterday. I almost had a valid excuse, but it fell through at the last moment and I could have went, but I didn't.

Because on the Mother's Day there is always the awkward moment..."Will all of the mothers please stand up and accept their flower?" For years I have ducked down low or left early so I wouldn't feel like I stuck out, but yesterday I didn't want to deal with it so instead I slept in. I know, not cool, but I was looking out for me.

Over the past few weeks I have struggled with something. It didn't quite feel right, but I couldn't stand not doing something to help lead us into parenthood. I even went as far as to make an appointment to look into it. I don't know if it would have been cheaper than adopting and I don't know if it would have been easier than adopting. But it might have increased our odds. All I could think was, maybe it will finally bless us with a child. But it just didn't feel right. Even when I tried to convince myself it would work and we would be parents, I still didn't want to go through with it.

So I told Josh it was up to him. And he drug his feet too. On Thursday night we were getting down to crunch time and I couldn't put it off much longer. Do we do this or not? I did the only thing I knew I could do, I prayed. I prayed harder than I have in a while. And then I listened. And then I knew. We need to adopt. I told Josh I wanted to cancel the appointment and he agreed. The relief I felt was incredible. I still don't have the answer as to when we will finally be parents, but I do know that we need to do it through adoption, and for a few moments that was all I needed.

Yesterday day was a tough day. Someone mentioned that so much has changed over the last 2 years. Really? The only change I can see is that we have a new truck and a dog. I feel like nothing has changed at all. I'm still on the edge waiting for something to happen.

I should pause and look at the positive things. Saturday night I got a very special email from a friend. Savannah , Happy Mothers Day, you are still a mother to all the children in the ward and to the world because of your mission on earth as a woman , you just love them and teach them and most of all set a good example for them. God loves you Savannah. Thank you for that. Then my wonderful loving husband made a great post while I was locked in the bathroom taking a relaxing bath. He really is something special and I am glad I get to share this trial with him.

I've mentioned before that I would love to have a child before the family missionaries start coming home. (I think both Dallon and my grandparents will come home about the same time in October.) That is 6 months away. As I was thinking about that last night I realized that if that happens, then our child could already be on the way and I was sad. If that is true, it means that yesterday our birth mom was a more active part of Mother's Day than we were. Has she already decided on adoption? If so, it must have been a hard day for her. I can't imagine the pain she is going through. She loves that life inside her so much. How will she be able to let go and give that child the life she wants it to have? I can only imagine that she will be able to do it because of her motherly love.

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3 comments:

Meka said...

Infertility makes you feel like you are standing still, while everyone is racing past you, living life. At least for me thats is how I felt ARRGG! That is awesome you had that conformation "You need to adopt"! Hold on to that! Mothers day just sucks, I completely ditched church all together on mothers day before Eden. Ya thats how strong I am ha! Anyway, I was wondering if you had a button that you've made that says hoping to adopt or is there something you would like me to add to my blog for you guys? Maybe just the link to your adoption blog?

May 11, 2009 10:01 PM

mandamike said...

I hope, wish, pray that you will become a mother soon. It is SO HARD waiting for someone else to give you the gift of motherhood. Just know that you have friends that are here for you and have been in your shoes.
Love,
Amanda

May 12, 2009 9:48 AM

Desi said...

What a beautiful and thoughtful email you got from your friend! Kind people like that really make a difference. We skipped church. Not to miss mother's day (which I usally try to do too) but because I hadn't seen my husband in two weeks and I was being selfish about needing "us" time.

I'm so excited that you have gotten answers to your prayers and know what you need to do! That is a huge hurtle passed. Unfortionatly, it leads to more waiting. But you have so many people praying for you! I love your blog and that I feel like I have a friend who knows what I'm going through!

May 15, 2009 11:03 AM

Answered Prayer

I have been back and forth over getting further testing for Josh. Last night I really prayed about it. Not just a simple "should we" like I have been doing, but a desperate "I need an answer and I need it now."

To me, what it really came down to was, we test him and it comes back the same and we continue on the adoption path. Or we test him and it comes back that we can fix it and have a chance of becoming parents.

When I think of getting pregnant I get sick. I don't want to be pregnant. I go into a panic. What if I became pregnant and then miscarried. I have been following a blog this week and she is trying to miscarry. Things are wrong with the baby and she needs to let it go. I have friends and family that have miscarried. I can't even begin to comprehend their pain, and I don't want to.

And I know this reason isn't a big deal to some, but I DO NOT want to be the person who adopted and then became pregnant. Every time I started to think about becoming pregnant, I thought of announcing it to family and friends and I knew that we would get plastered with "See, you just needed to relax and not think about it." I didn't want to be that kind of example to others going through infertility. That's not how it works and I don't think I could ever get the world to understand. If we had become pregnant, it would have been because we sought medical help for our medical condition called Infertility.

And it may be vain, but I want to adopt because I want that to be what makes our family special. I don't want to loose the friends I have made in the adoption world. Some of these friends are so dear to me and I don't want to loose their friendship and I worry that if we did become pregnant I wouldn't have anything in common with them anymore. I know we would still have infertility problems in common, but I just don't want to loose the adoption bond. It's too important to me.

I have done a lot of crying and soul searching this past month. I want to be a mom. I can't stand the fact that I am about to go through another childless Mother's Day. It's been 8 years since we married, 7 years since we stopped all birth control methods.

So last night I PRAYED. I want to be a mother and I am tired of waiting. Do we go to the doctor on Wed. and start the medical nightmare again or do we continue to wait on adoption? The answer was clear to me. Just continue as you have been doing.

But then I had to tell Josh. I've asked him several times if he really wanted to go. I keep bugging him to decide what he really wants to do. He didn't like taking that test, did he really want to do it again? He wouldn't ever give me a straight answer, just "I'll think about it." So as we went to bed last night, I asked him again. He said he was only doing it for me. He wants to be a dad and he will do whatever he needs to to reach that goal.

I told him I didn't want him to go. Immediately the pressure went away. And when he agreed a great load lifted off of my shoulders, my entire being.

I am feeling a new calm that I have not felt in a long time. I am still stressed that we aren't parents yet, and there is no end in sight. But I have a peace in my spirit again. It still feels hard, but it also feels bearable. I know that Heavenly Father wants us to adopt.

To Make Her Love Me

Much against Josh's wishes I have become a Rascal Flatts fan and I bought one of their CD's.

(For some reason he doesn't like boy bands, he thinks they're gay and he is mad that they did a remake to a Chris Ledoux song.)

But when I heard their song, "To Make Her Love Me" I couldn't stop from crying. Sometimes I feel like we aren't good enough to adopt and that is why we don't get looked at. I wish I knew what we needed to do different to make a birthmom love us.

To Make Her Love Me - Rascal Flatts
You waved your hand and it was done
So let it be and there it was
A mountain, so high, it broke through, the sky
A canyon, so deep, it'll bring a man to his knees

[Chorus]
I've seen what you can do
I've seen you make miracles and hopeless dreams come true
You've made the heavens and the stars
Everything, come on how hard
Could it be, To make her love me?

I've said some things I shouldn't have
Tried everything to win her back
I'm human, I messed up, Is she gone?, Are we done?
Forgiveness, another chance, that's all I want, it's in your hands

[chorus]
I've seen what you can do
I've seen you make miracles and hopeless dreams come true
You've made the heavens and the stars
Everything, come on how hard
Could it be, To make her love me?

[Chorus]

To make her love me
To make her love me (oooo)

I also found another one of their songs that I can relate to or at least I hope to relate to someday. Every one who has adopted talks about how after it happens, all this pain will be worth it. I can't see that yet so it's feels so hard to believe. But I hope that someday it will be worth it. It's what keeps me going.

The Day Before You - Rascal Flatts
I had all but given up on finding
The one that I could fall into
On the day before you
I was ready settled for
Less than love and not much more
There was no such thing as a dream come true
Oh, but that was all the day before you

Now you're here and everything changes
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I would never have to go back to
The day before you

In your eyes I see forever
Makes me wish that my life never knew
The day before you
The Heaven knows those years without you
Shaping my heart for the that day I found you
You're the reason for all that I've been through
Then I'm thankful for the day before you

Now you're here and everything changes
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I would never have to go back to
The day before you

Malachi 3:3

A friend sent me this email today. It is just what I needed to hear.

Malachi 3:3 says:
"He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.
One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible study.
That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining Silver.
As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all impurities.
The women thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: 'He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.' She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time.
The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.
The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, 'How do you know when the silver is fully refined?'
He smiled at her and answered,
'Oh, that's easy...when I see my image in it.'

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

An Infertility Blog

Someone left this comment on our adoption blog.

Hi. You don't know me, but I've created a "infertility group" blog. I love chatting with other who have been though what I have and wanted to let you know about it. http://ldsinfertility.blogspot.com/

It's a new blog that's just getting started, but it looks like a great idea!

I stole this from another blog

But since it's in relation to the scriptures, maybe I didn't really steal it. Here is the LINK if you want to the read the entire story, but be prepared to cry.

"All I can think of right now is Nephi.

I think about Nephi a lot. Mostly because it's hard for me to get past Nephi when I read, so I know the stories really well.

We likened infertility to Lehi and his family leaving their city and wandering through the wilderness for years. Knowing they had to go somewhere but not having any direction.

Finding the Liahona was being told to adopt. We had a purpose and a way to get there.

Building the boat out of nothing was our paperwork process

and launching the boat into the sea was the waiting period, complete with storms and bad luck.

Julia was our Promised Land. And the Promised Land is everything we ever dreamed it could be.

When we were trying to decide what to do with our treatments, I thought of Nephi going to get the plates. They failed several times but a way was provided. And I thought that, perhaps, we had reached our goal."

I hope we find our promised land soon.