Wednesday, February 11, 2015


Being childless, going to church was hard. I reached the point where I dreaded having to go. To me, it was no longer a place a worship, but a parade of families. I felt like I was in a place where I didn't fit in. So where did I end up? Playing piano in the primary room. It was like a dagger in my heart.

It reached a point, where I only went because I felt pressured to. We lived in the same congregation as family, so if we weren't there, they would question us why. Most weeks, it was easier to go and bear through it instead of just stay home, even though that is where we wanted to be.

I dreaded each Sunday. For me, there were two straws that broke the camel's back.

The first was the Sunday after the baby was born that we had hoped to adopt. The baby had been born the day before. I kept thinking, "I shouldn't be here right now. I should be at the hospital." But instead, I was sitting behind the piano. I cried silent tears through all of church. Not one person approached me to ask what was wrong or offer comfort. Not.One.Person. A few weeks later, I told them I couldn't handle that job anymore and I was relieved of my duty. I will always feel that as a piano player, I was just an extension of the piano; just a piece of furniture.

One of the last times we went to church, during our struggle, the lesson focused around life after death. In that congregation, their faith focuses on families being together, forever. On their terms. They are a wonderful group of people and my intent is not to attack their beliefs. But as I sat there, I realized, the baby we had hoped for would not be a part of our eternal family. That chance was gone forever. I had tried my entire life to live by their standards. Suddenly, I found myself in a loop hole. My child was considered dead, but at the same time was now a part of a different eternal family.

Shortly after that, I told my husband I didn't want to go to church anymore. I couldn't stand the pressure there. I wasn't happy there.

For years, I did all I could to avoid God. I felt like he had abandoned me. For a while, that seemed to work for me. I loved not feeling the pressure each Sunday to be in a place I didn't want to be. We used it as a day to spend extra time together.

But over time, I realized I missed having that spiritual connection. I mentioned this to a friend, and she suggested checking out other denominations and finding one where I was comfortable.  Last fall, I did just that.

The last few months have been amazing. I have learned that God never stopped loving me. I have developed a relationship with Him that I never had before. In all those years, my faith was based solely on the hope He would bless me with what I wanted, a baby. When that didn't happen, I felt betrayed.

I have learned that there is more to God than the answer I am looking for. He is loving and kind and He wants me to keep Him in my heart, no matter what. Life didn't turn out how I wanted it to. But I have the feeling, it is going just as He planned.

Making peace with God has brought so much peace to my heart and soul. For about a year now, I have felt at peace with our childlessness... for the most part. But there was always still a hole in my heart. A broken piece that only He could mend.

I thought I was healed. But since opening my heart back up to Christ, I have found that I was still a little broken. He has healed me in a way I couldn't. Its because of this extra peace that I am able to share my story so openly. With Him, I am able to handle my infertility even better. I feel stronger and more confident about my situation. I have tried for years to seek peace over certain things. I had finally given up. But because of Him, I am able to mend relationships that I thought were broken forever.

I'm not one to preach; I don't like when others do it to me. But my point is, if you have tried to cut Christ out of your life, please know He is still there, waiting for you. If you want to have Him in your life, open your heart back up to Him. If it means finding a different denomination, open your heart and He will lead you. Don't go to church because you feel guilted into it. You'll just sit there miserable. Go where you are comfortable. Don't go to be seen. Go because you want to be there to be closer to Christ. I have learned that through Him, you can find the peace you need to move on with life.

That is my wish for all of you.

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